The Abbie Diaries: The Complete Series

by Amelie Stephens

  From: Toby Lakeland

  To: Rachel Brown

  Subject: RE: You Poor Dear

  Hello Ms. Rachel,

  I don’t know what you are talking about, I am sorry to say. I do appreciate you taking my side, though, on whatever it is that has happened. Should I be worried?

  Thanks for your concern,

  Toby

  Toby was sure of two things in this exchange: one was that Ms. Rachel most likely knew that Toby was unaware of what she was talking about and sent the message only so that she could be the one to tell him, and the other was that he would not need to wait very long to receive her response. He was right on both counts.

  RE: RE: You Poor Dear

  Oh, Toby! I thought you would have heard! I hate that I am the one that has to tell you, but please remember not to shoot the messenger. I was reading Abbie’s, who I used to think of as such a sweet girl, blog this morning as I do every week – you know how I enjoy hearing about all of my dear co-workers’ lives – when I was shocked to see how she discussed your date – you naughty boy, I can’t believe you kept it such a secret – and in ways that I cannot believe is true. I advise you not to even read it. I mean, everyone else in the office has seen it, but do not let that affect you. It cannot be good for you or her or your work relationship to do so. But as I know I cannot stop you, I have attached a copy. Please do not be too upset.

  Your friend,

  Ms. Rachel

  Toby didn't believe half of what Ms. Rachel had written, as he was sure that Abbie could never do anything half as bad as the things Ms. Rachel could make up in her sleep. However, the date had gone badly, and he did believe that she had written something about it, so he figured that here was his chance to really see how girls thought.

  He opened the attachment and realized he had never been more wrong. Not only had Ms. Rachel not exaggerated Abbie’s post, she had, if anything, undersold it. Toby sat for a moment in shock, words from everything he had just read repeating in his head. “Epic failure.” “Everyone else in the office has seen it.” “Boring, arrogant personality.” “Everyone else in the office has seen it.” “He was all over me.” “Everyone else. “Everyone else.” Everyone else had seen it. What had she done?

  Toby stormed out of his room, and into Parker’s. His breathing was heavy and his face was turning red and the words he wanted just weren’t coming.

  “What’s the mat…”

  “How could she?” Toby finally managed to spit out as he cut off his confused friend.

  “How could who what?” Toby tossed his phone onto Parker’s lap, and let out a brusque “Read,” before starting to pace across the room.

  Parker scrolled through the material that was pulled up on the screen, and whistled.

  “That’s rough. I thought you said this chick was nice?”

  “I thought she was! How could she do this?”

  “How could you? This doesn’t seem like you at all.”

  “It wasn’t. I mean it isn’t. Alright, I was a little late, but I sent her a text to let her know way before I was supposed to pick her up. And, yeah, I might have been a little boring, but it was a first date, I was nervous. And she wasn’t saying ANYTHING. At least I talked.”

  “What about all the groping?”

  “That didn’t even happen. I didn’t even try to hold her hand or anything. It’s pure shit.” He collapsed onto Parker’s desk chair and put his head in his hands.

  “What are you going to do about this, Tobs?” Parker questioned.

  Toby was silent for a minute. Then he looked Parker dead in the eye, an evil glint playing just beyond the surface.

  “I’m going to get revenge.”

  3

  Sometimes the gentleman’s guide to living right sucked. Like how you always had to repay your debts. Normally, repaying a debt was something that Parker Bryant would do without flinching. He hated owing someone; he loved finally being debt-free. Not this time, though. If these were his choices, he would much rather just keep owing Toby.

  “I need you to meet Abbie and pretend to date her.”

  Toby had said this seriously, but Parker still hoped it was a joke.

  “What do you mean? Why?”

  “I need you to make her fall in love with you. I need you to become her perfect man. I need you to do this for me. And then I need you to break up with her, and break her heart.”

  “WHAT? NO! No way, Toby. No. I know you are upset. But I can’t do that for you. No.”

  “You have to. Just listen. It’s the only way. It’s the only way to get revenge. She needs awful material? She needs stories to fuel her hate-filled fans? She needs men to treat her badly in order to get attention and please her followers? Then let’s give her something real to write about.”

  “Listen, Toby. I get it. I get why you want payback. And I support it. I just cannot do this.”

  “But you don’t get it, do you? You don’t have a choice. You owe me, remember? And I am calling in the favor now.”

  Parker sighed because he could not deny it was true. It happened the year before when Parker’s girlfriend at the time, Becky, had cheated on him. He was not in a good place and he had done some things he was not proud of as a result of her treachery. Namely, he had stolen her most valuable possession – the ring she had gotten from her mother, who had gotten it from her mother, who had gotten it from her mother, who had received it on her 25th wedding anniversary. It was the only sure fire way he knew to emotionally ruin her like she had done for him.

  Becky had called him in a panic when she realized it was missing.

  “Please, Parker,” she had begged. “I know you hate me right now, but you have to help me! Have you seen it? I think it was stolen, but maybe I dropped it somewhere? I .. I’m not sure. Please. Would you look around your place for me?”

  He told her he didn’t see it and asked her not to call him anymore. A month later, the shock and initial anger having worn off, it finally hit him just what he had done. He knew he had to return the ring but certainly didn’t want her to know he had stolen it. So he asked Toby for advice.

  “Give me the ring, Park, and let me take care of it.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to return it. I’ll think of a reason for having it, I promise.”

  Parker handed over the ring, and Toby left. And returned a few hours later with a black eye.

  “What happened?”

  “I gave her the ring, and she asked how I had it. I told her I found it in my car and said it must have fallen off when I was giving her a ride home at some point. She didn’t believe me. Neither did the guy she was with. They knew they couldn’t prove it, though, so he gave me a little vigilante justice and roughed me up a bit before I could leave. You know. Just in case I wasn’t saying everything I knew.”

  By this point, Toby had taken a bag of peas out of the freezer and placed it on his eye.

  “I’m sorry, Toby! That should’ve been me. How could I let you take the fall, dude?”

  Toby looked at him as if he were crazy.

  “Are you kidding me? If it had been you, they would have really caused some damage. She definitely wouldn’t have believed you were innocent, and he would have loved to prove his worth by defending her from her lying, stealing ex. I’ll be alright. I’ve gotten a lot worse, you know. Relax. It’s over now, but just remember you owe me.”

  They had both laughed at the time because they knew that it was unlikely Toby would ever call in the favor.

  But neither of them was laughing now. So Parker did not want to have to pay his debt, or at least he did not want to pay it in this way, but Toby was right. He didn’t have a choice. He owed Toby, and he would do whatever it took to pay him back.

  “Alright,” he asked his waiting friend, “how exactly are we going to do this?”

  Toby smiled.

  “You just have to sit back for now, and listen to everything I have to say. I’ve got it all figured
out. The first thing we are going to do is read through all of her old posts. We have to get inside her head and find out how she thinks, what she likes, what she doesn’t like. Then, on Monday, I’m going to be the bigger man and ‘forgive her’ for what she has done. I’ll tell her I thought it was funny, and that I don’t mind everyone in the office laughing at me. I’m going to forge an office friendship with her over a funny story, and I am going to learn details about her she doesn’t put in her blog. After we have all the information we need, and you’ve become Prince Charming, we’ll figure out a way for you two to meet. And you can take it from there.”

  “I feel like Frankenstein.”

  “Frankenstein was the doctor, man. I’m Frankenstein. You’re Frankenstein’s monster.”

  “Yep. You’re right. I definitely feel like a monster.”

  “Come on Parker. She deserves it. You aren’t doing this to some innocent damsel in distress. Think of what she did to me – your best friend. Your roommate. Your partner in crime.”

  “Alright. Alright. Shut up. I said I’d do it, didn’t I?”

  “Yes! You’re the best!”

  “No I’m not, but whatever. Alright, doctor, let’s make me a monster.”

  How to Become My Perfect Man in 7 Simple Steps

  Abbie Baker | On March 28, 2015

  Recycled from October 12, 2013

  Last week, you will recall my horrible date with Seth. This had of course followed my horrible date with Eric, which had followed my horrible date with … and on and on ad nauseam. So why are my dates all so horrible? I searched my brain and came up with a few possibilities:

  I am the type of girl that only attracts losers.

  I am the type of girl that only picks losers.

  There are no good guys left in the entire world.

  Because only the last one doesn’t reflect poorly on me, I am choosing to believe that this is the winner.

  I feel there are a lot of sayings that back me up on this too.

  “A good man is hard to find.” “All the good men are married, gay, or taken.” And, for the ladies in Alaska, we have my personal favorite: “How likely are you to find a husband in Alaska? The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” (Aside: I have never been to Alaska, but I am sure this joke is completely without basis. Please don’t hate me in the comments, Men of Alaska, because I cannot risk alienating even more of the male population.)

  So how can I find relationship happiness when all the good men are taken and all the available men are odd? (No really, I’m asking. Please, ladies, tell me how to do this in the comments section.)

  And if you know of that rare, near extinction, fabled good, available man, please hook a girl up. I’ll even give you a list of what it is I want.

  So, for what it is worth, here is my list of seven desired qualities in a good boyfriend:

  1. Sense of humor. There is nothing I like more than laughing. Sometimes that means I am laughing at someone else (sorry, but if you fall, say/do something stupid, or otherwise act like an idiot, I am going to think it’s funny); sometimes this means I am laughing at myself (see? If I fall, say/do something stupid, or otherwise act like an idiot, I am going to laugh just as hard as I did when you did it); and mostly I am laughing with others at funny, immature things. So, anyone that I am going to date needs to have a highly developed sense of humor.

  2. Brains. I want to have an intellectual conversation now and again. Is that too much to ask?

  3. A mind towards health. Okay. I try not to be shallow. I don’t have to have someone who looks like Michelangelo carved him out of marble. But I want to live a long and happy life with my future mate, so please put in a little bit of an effort to avoid having a heart attack by 35, men.

  4. A little bit of moral fiber. He doesn’t need to be a saint. In fact, see point 5. However, there are a few saintly qualities I wouldn’t mind having: honesty, thoughtfulness, and a charitable nature are all nice.

  5. Yet also a little bit of edge. I don’t want a saint. I am not a perfect princess. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal. The perfect man should be a little mean – in a funny, not spiteful way. See point 1. I want someone not afraid to make fun of me when I deserve being made fun of. I want someone whom I can fight with because ‘making up’ is a necessary component to our future happiness. In other words, I want fire and passion, not just romance.

  6. A love of adventure. He should be a little quirky, be a little unique. Anybody can take me out to dinner and a movie. I want somebody who will take me skydiving or horseback riding. Or something I have never done.

  7. A love of me. Enough said on this one.

  And bonus points if they are also good looking. Now, while it would be nice, they don’t have to meet every one of my standards, but a high percentage of them would be good.

  So fellow ladies, what do you think? Do you know my dream guy? And if so, do you mind sending him my way? After all, if you aren’t already with him, somebody else might as well be.

  Until my next date,

  Abbie

  4

  Abbie took a deep breath and opened the door to Rolan & Sons Accounting. She had tried to time her entrance perfectly to just beat Toby, who arrived at almost the exact same time every day, so that she could get out the apology speech she and Maggie had practiced all weekend. She was going to grovel, and she was not looking forward to it.

  “You have to say you’re sorry,” Maggie had warned her, “but he doesn’t have to forgive you. He is going to be justifiably mad, Abs, and there is probably nothing you can say right now to fix that.”

  Abbie knew Maggie was right, which is why she wanted to catch Toby before he entered the office. She didn’t want this horrifying scene to be conducted in front of an office full of witnesses.

  Only she was late. She didn’t oversleep, though she had been afraid that she might. Even though she woke up at the exact second she intended on waking up, she intended to wake up at a much later time than she should have. Thus, by the time she had arrived, Toby was already there, as his car in the parking lot attested, and he was, as his absence from said parking lot attested, already inside.

  “Shit,” Abbie mumbled under her breath before trudging towards the door. She couldn’t ignore him. She couldn’t pretend that this had not happened. And now she had to deal with it all right in front of a group of curious coworkers. She could do it, though. So she threw back her shoulders and walked inside.

  The first thing she noticed was that everyone was looking at her. Everyone except for Toby, who she figured was doing his best to avoid having to look anywhere near her. She headed to her desk right across from his and put down her stuff.

  “Hey, Abbie. How was your weekend?”

  Abbie froze in her spot.

  “Umm. Fine? I…how was yours?”

  Toby smiled at her before responding.

  “It was great! I didn’t do much, and every once in a while it’s good to just relax. You know?”

  “Um. Yeah. I…sometimes…uh, like. to. relax. too?”

  Was it possible that he had not read it? Everyone else in the office was looking over at them. It was clear they all knew. How could Toby not have seen it as well?

  “So?” she continued as she sat down and went to turn on her computer. “Did you happen to do any reading this weekend?”

  For a second, Toby looked confused, or maybe angry, but then his face cleared, and he laughed.

  “Of course I saw your post, Abs. It was hilarious.”

  Abbie let out a burst of nervous laughter. This was an unexpected turn of events.

  “You liked it?”

  “Liked it? It was great. I can take a joke, you know. And you have a real talent.”

  “Ha! I’m so glad that you feel that way. I mean, I shouldn’t have done that without telling you first. Or maybe I shouldn’t have done it at all. Or maybe I should have changed the name. Or … “

  “Calm down, Abbie,” Toby said laughing, “I’m cool. It didn
’t bother me at all. Friends?”

  “Oh! Ah…yes. Yes. Friends.”

  Abbie gave him her biggest smile and threw out her hand to shake on it. She was thankful that she hadn’t hurt his feelings. After a minute or two of excited relief, though, a wave of guilt hit her. She had badmouthed him and made fun of him in a public forum, and yet here he was being great to her. She didn’t deserve it, and knowing he was so great just made her regret her words that much more.

  “It’s too good to be true, right?” Abbie asked Tyler, her favorite fellow employee and after work workout buddy, as they ran side by side on the treadmills at the gym beside their office.

  “Yes.”

  “What? No! You are supposed to assure me that all of my doubts are for nothing.”

  “Sorry, babe. But if you had done that to me, especially the making me out into a predator part, there is no way I’d let you get off that easily. I’d at least pretend to be upset for a while just to teach you a lesson.”

  “Yeah, well, it has been scientifically documented that you have no sense of humor.”

  “Hey! I might not have the immature, twelve year old boy sense of humor that you have worked so hard to cultivate, but I do have a sense of humor. And if it had been about me, I would not have appreciated being the butt of your joke. That’s all I am saying.”

  That was what worried Abbie. It was almost as if she needed some type of punishment for her misdeed in order to stop being paranoid that a bomb was going to be set off. All day long, she had been walking on eggshells around Toby and all day long, he had acted as if nothing was the matter.

  “Abbie, I’m going to the deli to get lunch. You want anything?” he had asked her.

  There was no way she was letting him near her food.