“Wow, amazing.” Niall opened the door slightly and motioned for me to go ahead in.
I wanted Max to jump out and yell ‘boo; we got you,’ but my chances looked slim for that to happen. I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and then walked into his room.
He laid on his bed as if he were only asleep. The only thing that seemed abnormal was the IV pole that was near the top of the bed. He looked exactly like my Max. I mean, that person lying there was my Max, but he seemed so different. He wasn’t up jumping around, giving me kisses, and wanting to be as close to me as we could get.
“It’s okay if you go closer to the bed. I promise he won’t jump and bite you.” Niall tried to make a joke of the matter.
Nervous as I felt, all I could do was weakly smile at his attempt. I took a few steps closer and stood by the side of the bed. The prickly electric sense was there and my need to touch him guided my hand to his arm. He felt warm, but probably not like an average body temperature would be, as his was slightly cooler. I ran my fingertips along the side of his face, across his chin, and lightly rested on his lips. How many kisses had I planted there? Would me being here be the last I would ever see of Max? I didn’t think I could go the rest of my life knowing the one person meant for me was probably never going to wake up.
I brushed back his hair the way that he would’ve done and smiled when I finally had it the way he would’ve liked it. He always used to brush it straight back, but then let one side fall back over his shoulder and neck.
“I love you.” I closed my eyes and willed him to please just show up and take me with him. I wanted to go back to the place in-between. I wanted to be with him forever. “I know I should’ve said that so long ago, but I thought you would always be here. I don’t know if I can go on without you.” I wiped the tears that were once again rolling down my cheeks. I touched his cheek once more and turned to leave.
I didn’t wait for Niall to come along and lead me out. I went out on the porch and collapsed to my knees. I placed my head on the porch and sobbed. I felt Ashley’s arms encircle me, whispering that everything was going to be all right. I would be able to get through this. How could she say that when my whole life and existence here just did another one-eighty?
I don’t know how long I sat on the porch, maybe minutes or maybe hours. I knew I needed to get up and go back to my dorm room. I had to be alone. I needed to figure out what was my purpose of being here without him.
Ashley was still beside me, as was Niall. I was so grateful that he allowed me to see Max and have some time with him. I slowly stood up as they did too.
Ashley touched my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know if I was okay. I felt numb and dead inside. “I need to go. Thank you, Niall.”
Niall came over to my side of the car. He hugged me tight. “Please, keep in contact Mara.”
I nodded that I would, then slumped into the front seat of the car.
I saw Ashley talking with Niall and knew they were probably talking about me. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about my Max, my soulmate, just lying up there. Was this how it was always going to be? Me feeling hopeless and half-alive, while Max would probably never wake-up. No, I wasn’t giving up. But I knew that the chances of him ever being Max as I knew him were almost nil.
* * *
The ride back to school was a blur. I’m glad I had a GPS and that Ashley was able to drive because I don’t think I would’ve remembered how to get back on my own.
Ashley walked with me back to my room but didn’t say anything. She just held my hand and tried to take some of my pain away. We got tons of stares as we walked through the campus. Maybe it had to do with my red swollen eyes and the fact that I wasn’t my happy-self saying hello to everyone we passed. A couple of people that I knew from class had stopped, but Ashley just waved them away and whispered ‘not now.’
Once we were inside my room, I went straight to my bed and collapsed.
Ashley sat on the side and brushed my hair back from my face telling me that everything was going to be okay.
How could she say that? She had no clue what I was going through. She’d never found her soulmate, the one she was supposed to be with, the one who made her feel whole, the one that she may never see again…would she be able to go on after that?
“Mara, honey.” Her warm hand brushed back the strand of hair that continuously kept falling in my eyes. “I have to get back to school.”
I nodded my head okay.
“I don’t want to leave you alone like this. Should I call your mom or someone here on campus?”
I quickly shook my head no and tried to scoot further up in the bed, so that I was upright. “I’m good.” I didn’t even convince myself with how weak and distant my voice sounded.
“You’re not good, I know that and so do you. But, you have to try and move on from this. I didn’t do all of this to bring you down; I did it because you needed to know the truth.”
I gave her the best smile I could muster up, threw my legs over the side of my bed, and stood. “I’m fine, Ash. It’s been a rough day, and a lot has happened that I need to take in, but I’ll be okay.”
She still didn’t look too persuaded by my fake performance, yet she got up from the bed and picked up her tote bag. “I will call you as soon as I get back. You better answer.” Ashley shook her finger at me.
Once again, the phony smile forced its way out. “I will and be careful, okay?”
“Love you, Mara.” She gave me another big hug and kissed me on the cheek.
“I know. Love you too.” I hugged her back. I walked her over to the door and watched as she made her way down the sidewalk. I kept watching until I could no longer see the swaying of her long blond ponytail. I shut the door and turned, so my back was pressed up against it. I slid to the floor and brought my knees up close to my chest. I put my forehead down and once again, cried until the tears would no longer come.
Chapter Seventeen
I don’t know what day it is, but seven days have passed since I’d seen Max, the Max at home in his bed, not my Max loving me all hours of the day and night. I hadn’t gone back to school; I just couldn’t force myself to sit in a classroom and listen to a teacher preach about useless information. If they could tell me how to bring Max back to me, then they would have my attention.
There were a few knocks on my door, but I never answered. I heard several people that I talked to in class talk through the closed door asking if I was in there, but I never said anything back. I kept the TV on silent, but let the pictures play. All I wanted was to hear Max’s voice, the sweetness of his words—but that never happened.
Ashley had called like she promised when she got back to her college, and I answered like I said I would. I listened more than I spoke. I didn’t have much to say or anything that she would understand. She’s called me every day since, and I tell her repetitively that I'm all right, but she’s probably known me too long, and she knows that I would not get over this easily—if ever.
* * *
Today was the first day that I stepped outside of my room. It had been almost two weeks of solitude—two long weeks of not seeing Max—two weeks of my body feeling lifeless—two weeks of not wanting ever to wake up.
I felt as if I were in a zombie state, and maybe I appeared that way too. People seemed to go out of their way and not get too close to me in the hallways. Even ones that I thought were friends, just scooted by and whispered amongst themselves as they stared at me with questioning eyes.
I was so far behind in my classes; it was fruitless to think even about catching up. What was the sense of forcing myself? I had no interest anymore in helping people when I couldn’t even help myself.
“Mara, dear. How have you been?”
I looked over at the lady that had her arm around my shoulders. She was a middle-aged woman with short red colored hair and piercing blue eyes. I remembered meeting her at the beginning of the semester.
I think she had something to do with counseling or something like that. We had talked for a good while about my chosen profession since it was right up her alley.
“I'm all right.” I continued to walk, not having any final destination in mind.
“Some of your instructors have told me you’ve missed a few days. I was just coming by to make sure you were feeling okay.”
The lady kept her arm around me like I was a long lost friend or something. “I was, but I’m better now.” I’m going to have to do better than that to convince her otherwise. My voice sounded so monotonous like it lacked any life “I’m just getting some fresh air right now.” My tone was a step above the last, not exactly my happy self, but it didn’t sound robotic.
She smiled at me and nodded her head. “Do you have some time now? Maybe we could go back to my office and talk.”
“I’m good, thank you, though.” I picked up my pace, and her arm fell off my shoulders. I knew she wouldn’t follow. What would be the sense? I told her I was fine, what more could she do?
I went straight back to my room and locked the door. I grabbed a water bottle out of my micro fridge and felt the coldness flow down my throat. I hadn’t had any desire to eat since, well since I couldn’t remember. The body could survive on water; I’m living proof. But then again, do I want to survive? Am I going crazy or am I falling apart because Max isn’t with me? Not even his other-world self had visited me since I was forced to go to his house. I started to dislike Katie, Elissa and yes, Ashley even more for making me go there. They just couldn’t let me be happy and have Max to myself. They had to go and ruin it all for the both of us.
My cell phone ringing caught my attention. I stared at it lying on the computer desk and watched as the light flashed each time it rang. I always used to hope that it would be Max that was calling, but now I know that will never happen. It was about to go to voice mail when I answered it. I didn’t say anything, just waited for the other person to speak.
“Mara. Mara, honey. Are you there?” My mom’s voice and she sounded a bit frantic.
I wonder what happened that she would call me right now. “Yes. I’m here.” Not really, my heart and soul were ripped in two and crushed, but my shell of a body is there.
“Oh, my God. The school therapist called and said that you didn’t seem well and that you’d missed some classes. I was worried and about to pack my bags to come up there.”
“I’m fine, mom. Just stay there.”
“Why did you miss classes, Mara? I thought this was what you wanted. You’re not messed up with drugs or drinking, are you?”
I had to laugh at myself, if only it were that simple. At least, there’s help for those who have an addiction. What kind of help could I get that would bring Max back to me? “No. I’m not messed up with any of that. I was sick a few days, but I’m better now. I’m going to start going back to class tomorrow.”
“I would like for you to come home next weekend. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay that sounds good.” I knew I wasn’t going back, not now, not ever.
“Call me tomorrow. I love you.”
“I will, mom. Love you too. Tell Dad I love him too.” I pressed end. I didn’t want to hear the barrage of questions that I knew that would follow after my goodbye. I knew it sounded final and mom also probably picked up on that as well.
I took out the pictures I had of Ashley and me. There was a whole box of them that I’d brought to school with me. We had so many memories to look back on, and they were all right here with me now. Our high school dances that we’d fixed ourselves so prim and proper. Our long summers that we spent at each other’s houses every day. All of our other friends that always took a backseat to her and I’s friendship. I laughed and cried as I went through all four years of our togetherness. I took out a small slip of paper and wrote Ashley’s name on it, and the memo ‘remember always.' I placed it inside of the box and tucked it back away in my closet.
The pen in my hand shook as I wrote out my next two letters of goodbye. I made one for each of my parents. I thanked them for everything that they’d done for me, for being the greatest parents, and please not to blame themselves for any of this. I had to end this suffering. I had to end the pain. I had to find my happiness once again. I wasn’t leaving them, but only going where I needed to be. The next one was to Ashley: I told her that I loved her and that her friendship had meant everything to me. I also wrote that after a while, she would realize and accept why I chose to do this since she knew me better than anyone did. I tucked them nicely into their own envelopes and set them on top of the photograph box.
My cell phone rang again. I looked at it and wished it would just to stop. That the people on the other end would just forget I was here. Right before it went to voicemail, I hit the call button. I needed to hear their voices one last time.
“Mara? Mara, I know you’re there. Your answering machine didn’t pick up.” This time, it was Ashley who called. She sounded frantic, and I could hear the sniffling that signaled she was crying. “Goddamit, Mara. Answer me!” She started to sob into the phone.
I kept silent. I listened as Ashley continued to cry, scream, and then talk to me in a simple, childish way of why I needed to rethink anything that I had considered.
She told me that she was leaving her college and would be here in three hours. I needed to wait for her, so we could figure this all out together.
If she was coming, then that meant so were my parents. I couldn’t let them see me in this state of mind, of whatever that would be. I had only one thought left, and it had nothing to do with this life or state of being. I silently said goodbye and that I loved her, then pressed the end call button. I put my cell phone with my other mementos and hoped someone would find them.
I looked at my first and my last college dorm room. I thought back to all the memories that I created here. The cram for tests study sessions, eating the same meal every day at dinner times, and my wonderful long weekend love sessions I had with Max. I tossed the key on the computer desk and walked out, closing the door behind me. I didn’t have to lock it up in fear of someone attacking me when I got back; I wasn’t coming back here ever again.
* * *
I could drive the road to the stone quarry with my eyes closed. I’d been down that road so many times, in real life and in my head, that it was as natural for me as taking a walk around the college campus. I couldn’t get lost if I tried. There were a few cars parked near the gated entrance, and I was surprised that there would actually be people here on a day like today.
The cold late fall wind blew across me as I stepped outside my car. It was a different type of chill, one that stemmed from the cold and dampness of the water that surrounded this place. Everyone else that was walking towards the trails had on jeans and thick hoodies. I looked down at my attire and seen that I had on a short sleeve t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and no shoes. I began my trek to the last place that I would ever be.
The trails weren’t as green and lively with color as when Max and I were here. The leaves had turned brown and most had fallen to the ground. It signaled an end that would also start a new beginning, like the path of life that I was on. I watched as the foliage that I touched, the ones hanging for dear life to the small spouts of a tree branch, crumpled and fell to the ground with the slightest of movement.
Our cliff, the cliff that held so many memories, came into view. There were a few people around watching over the edge, but never getting too close. It was close enough to see the wonder of it all, but never close enough that their lives were in jeopardy. I waited patiently for most of the admirers to come and go. None stayed too long, and most on their way back out would stop on the pathway. They stared at me for just a brief second; then it seemed they scampered away as if I were a threat.
There was one guy still left. He sat closer to the edge on the far right, a place that most of the others didn’t bother to go near. It was the spot on the cliff that had the jagged rock that stuck out. T
he rock that snagged my leg on one of mine and Max’s jumps together and the one that claimed his consciousness on the final day he was here while in this existence. The guy just stared across at the forested scenery that was spread out across the way from the cliffs. Like myself, he seemed all alone.
Two steps closer and I was almost to the edge of the cliff. One more step and the small rocks beneath my feet began their tumble downwards to the mistiness below. I peered down and saw that the water was no longer a crystal, clear blue as it had been when Max and I was here, but now was a dark gray with points of darkness that showed its true depth—shadows that called and beckoned me to join them.
I spread my arms, closed my eyes, and thought about Max. All of our times together came flooding back. The times when we stood on this same cliff with no fears or worries. Our special alone moments that only we shared and no one else was ever there to interrupt. I felt Max’s warm hand in mine, I heard his laughter in my ear, I sensed him all around me. I felt myself leaning over more and felt the cold, wet air of the water mist splashing on my face.
“What are you doing?”
I heard the voice of the only one that was around. It must be the guy that had stayed long enough to watch the end of the Mara movie. I giggled to myself as I thought about only one lone person, one that I didn’t even know, would be the last to see me. I heard him coming closer to me. I wanted to see him. I wanted to have one final glimpse of someone I would never meet again, but I kept myself falling forward. I couldn’t let him stop me from doing this; the pain had to end today.
I felt his soft touch on my fingertips as I pulled my hand away. It was that guy, and he was trying to save me, but there was no way to save me. How could I be saved from myself? I was out of his reach and floating downwards. I felt like I was on a cloud that was taking me far away from this misery and to my only source of happiness, being with my Max. I heard the man at the top scream out, ‘No’ while my voice in my head screamed, ‘Yes.’
Somewhere In-Between (Breathless #1) Page 14
