Rumours and Red Roses

by Patricia Fawcett

  They exchanged a smile.

  ‘I keep remembering the day of the operation and I wish I wouldn’t,’ Becky went on. ‘It’s like I’ve got it on some sort of video in my head. I can fast forward or slow down or pause it. Every moment of it. Apart from lunch, that is. I seem to have blocked that bit out. How Simon put up with me that day, I shall never know. I was an absolute pain from the word go. I think I told him off for not having a shave and then I just went on snapping at him about anything and everything. He dare not speak in the end because he couldn’t say anything right.’

  Adele nodded her agreement. ‘It was almost too much to cope with. I had to walk out on Rory and leave him to it because I was sick of the way he was looking at the clock, counting the minutes. Checking his watch. I like the idea of the video. I never thought of it that way but I can do exactly the same. It’s as if the minutes are imprinted on my brain. I suppose they’ll always be there. Important moments are, aren’t they?’

  ‘We went to the chapel before she went to theatre. Did you?’

  ‘Yes. It seemed a bit of a cheat because neither of us is what you would call believers but we felt we had to keep all the options open.’

  ‘The chaplain was wonderful, wasn’t he? I meant to go and thank him afterwards but, in all the excitement, I forgot. That makes me feel terrible. We might think about going to church when we move. If nothing else, it is a nice thing to do as a family and I’m determined to be open-minded about it.’

  ‘Move?’ Adele picked up on that. ‘You’re not leaving town, I hope?’

  ‘No, good heavens, no. I wouldn’t dream of leaving here.’

  ‘Neither would I. I don’t know how your mother could do it. Shoot off to the other side of the world just like that.’

  ‘She got married and there were other reasons,’ she said, wishing she had not as she caught Adele’s curious glance. ‘Personal reasons,’ she added.

  ‘I’m not the adventurous type,’ Adele said. ‘I don’t believe I’ll ever move and my mother would kill me if I suggested it. She thinks the world of Alexander and likes him to be near at hand.’

  ‘I want to move to a house. I love the apartment but I still think of it as Simon’s place. I just moved in with him and, however you look at it, it’s not suitable for a child,’ Becky explained. ‘It’s not so bad now but as she gets older there’s going to be nowhere for her to play. I love your house and I like that area of town. Ideally, I’d like something like that. Let me know if anything comes up, will you?’

  ‘There’s been nothing on the market for years, not since Rory bought the house,’ Adele said. ‘But I’ll keep my eyes and ears open. You’ll be the first to know.’

  ‘Thanks. It would be nice to be neighbours.’ Becky smiled at her. ‘The little ones could see more of each other.’

  ‘How are things with you two these days? With you and Simon?’ Adele’s cheeks flushed as she caught Becky’s surprise. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to be personal. It’s just that …’ She hesitated. ‘Can I tell you something in confidence, Becky?’

  ‘Anything,’ she said. ‘It won’t go any further.’

  ‘I know it won’t. I’ve got to tell somebody and I don’t want to tell my mother because she has enough on her plate just now. My dad has finally retired completely,’ she explained with a smile. ‘And even though he keeps very busy, it’s upset her routine. She’s making very heavy weather of it. Added to that, Gran’s driving her round the bend. For a woman of eighty-six she has such energy. In fact, I think she has more than me just now. I feel like a wet rag at the moment.’

  ‘You look fine.’

  ‘That’s just appearances.’ Adele smiled wryly. ‘I’m good with appearances. I’m like my gran, I suppose. She’s asked me to pick out the clothes she wears in her coffin and if that’s not morbid I don’t know what is. I see her point though. She doesn’t want to leave the choice to my mother.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Becky asked as Adele fell silent.

  ‘Things aren’t great between me and Rory just now. It’s been so topsy-turvy. With my being pregnant straight off, we never really had the time to adjust to being married, to living together, and we hadn’t known each other very long in any case. I’d just broken up with my partner and I jumped into the thing with Rory. My mother thinks I married on the rebound.’

  ‘Mothers!’ Becky smiled sympathetically. ‘They always think they know best. I suppose we’ll be the same with our two when they’re grown up.’

  ‘I hope not. I’ll have to remember to bite my tongue rather than grumble about Alex’s choice of girlfriend. Anyway, the awful thing was that Rory wasn’t happy about the baby at first, especially as we had agreed that we wouldn’t have children. I didn’t particularly want a baby and he’s older as you know and he has his girls and didn’t want to go through all that again.’

  ‘Oops …’ Becky glanced at her in surprise. ‘I would never have guessed. He seems to dote on Alex.’

  ‘He does. That’s just it. I had a terrible pregnancy, sick as a dog throughout, and he just about held it together although we came close to having a big bust-up at one point. As I was doing one of my spectacular throw-ups into the lavatory one morning, he had the cheek to say, “Angela was never sick like this,” and I said, “Sod her. I bloody am!”’ She smiled. ‘There was no reasoning with me. And, as for the business, poor Emma had to cope as best she could. I was a liability. I couldn’t even look at food at one time, let alone cook it.’

  ‘Poor you. I was fine after the first few weeks. I felt wonderful,’ Becky told her, remembering the glow of those middle months. ‘Sorry.’

  They laughed.

  ‘Once Alex was born, it was a different story,’ Adele said. ‘From the word go, Rory was utterly besotted with him. Still is. But then we found out about the heart thing and having to go through all that worry meant things have been difficult. It’s just been there, stuck there, for all these months. He has his running to take his mind off things but what do I have?’

  ‘He’s still running?’

  ‘Oh yes. He’s not done the London Marathon yet and he’s determined to do that before he gets too old. I want to know what he thinks about when he’s running. When he’s pounding along the road. Whatever it is, I’m not included in it.’ She fired a quick defensive look Becky’s way. ‘And the thing that really bugs me is that he’s caught up still with his daughters. Of course, I don’t blame him for that but I do feel a sort of resentment towards them. They know what we’ve been going through with Alex and, to be honest, they haven’t been as supportive as I would have liked.’

  ‘It must be difficult for them,’ Becky said. ‘Try to put yourself in their position.’

  Adele gave her a hard look. ‘Don’t you think I’ve tried? I have to be very careful. I can’t say a thing against them or Rory jumps down my throat.’

  ‘Well, he is their father,’ Becky pointed out, not sure which side of the fence she should be sitting on, feeling as she did a little sympathy towards Rory.

  ‘I know. I can tell you think I’m being unreasonable. I want him to tell them to back off, stop worrying him with their worries and leave him to concentrate on Alex for the moment. Alex needs him more than they do. They are always on at him to give them money and he’s a soft touch. Why can’t they ask their mother? Angela’s married to a billionaire, for goodness’ sake.’

  ‘Perhaps they feel pushed out. I know it sounds silly but have you considered that they might just be a bit jealous of all the attention Alex is getting?’

  ‘Jealous? Whatever for? They’re grown women and he’s a baby. And he’s had major heart surgery. Don’t you think he deserves special attention?’ she said, her eyes bright with sudden anger.

  ‘Yes, of course he does, but worry like we’ve gone through makes us extra sensitive, Adele,’ Becky said carefully. ‘It was hard for me and Simon for a time and I kept blaming myself. What did I do at that moment in my pregnancy when the heart was forming? I must ha
ve done something to upset it. Simon was a big help to me especially when my mum was away. And his mother Esther’s been wonderful too.’

  ‘How is your mother? How was her trip over?’

  ‘The usual white-knuckle ride. She hates flying and she was on her own this time. Still, she’s here now for a little while.’

  ‘It must be lovely for you to have her back. I’m sorry I didn’t meet her today.’

  ‘You just missed her. She’s gone to see some of her old friends. She never stops talking about Australia. It’s definitely the place to be.’

  ‘She’s settled there then?’

  ‘I think so. It sounds wonderful. She’s got a lovely pink house and a swimming pool of all things. Heart-shaped. It makes a change from what she used to have. Alan’s doing her proud but it’s no more than she deserves. When I think back, I never appreciated what she did for me when I was little.’

  ‘You never do. Are you planning a trip over there when she goes back?’

  ‘Oh yes, although not for a while. She’ll have had her fill of babies I should think by the time she goes back. She’s being very good and doing her best not to interfere. But then, as she admits, she was always hopeless with babies.’

  ‘She must miss her husband though. Couldn’t he come over too?’

  ‘It’s not so easy. He’s got a business to run and he doesn’t like leaving Australia, which he thinks of as his home now, to come back here. And, on top of that, it isn’t his grandchild, if you know what I mean. I’m proud of Mum. It was a big thing for her to come back on her own this time with nobody to hold her hand.’

  ‘So you and Simon …’ Adele seemed anxious to return to the subject. ‘Do you think it’s made your relationship stronger having to go through it? I read somewhere that suffering a trauma such as ours means it goes either way and maybe it’s going the wrong way for us. I feel so fragile and I need Rory but he’s very distracted just now and he won’t talk about things. He bottles things up and it worries me. And if things get too much he puts on those bloody trainers and goes out for a run.’

  ‘It’s just the reaction. He’s been strong for you, hasn’t he? And maybe this is just his way of relaxing now that everything’s going to be all right. Give him time, Adele. As for Simon and me, yes, it’s made us stronger,’ she admitted, half afraid to be saying it because Adele looked so down.

  Samantha was starting to get restless and they moved on.

  She was glad she and Adele had kept in touch because it was obvious that all was not well. She hoped she was wrong and that she and Rory were just going through a tough patch but she had a bad feeling about it. Adele was starting to develop a defeated look.

  Before long, she might need a friend.

  TWENTY-TWO

  ‘BUT HIS GRANDFATHER William is still very much alive, darling. Didn’t Simon tell you?’

  Marina had met Becky in town for a quick bite and a chance to catch up with all the news. Marina, who had found herself a new exciting boyfriend – an up-and-coming barrister – had recovered her cheerful demeanour and was positively glowing. After ten frantic minutes they had exhausted talk of the perfect-sounding boyfriend and somehow had got on to the subject of Simon’s grandfather. ‘At least at the last count he was. I would have heard if he had died because my father keeps in contact with Johnny. And I’m sure he would have been mentioned in the obituary column of the local paper.’

  Becky picked up her sandwich and pondered the news. She felt odd these days without Samantha in tow but while she was visiting, her mum was making the most of it. She had taken to babysitting with a vengeance, despite her earlier protestations, and had been thrilled to have Samantha to herself for a little while.

  ‘We haven’t talked about his grandfather very much,’ Becky said, somewhat defensive as she caught Marina’s surprised look. ‘When I think about it, Simon never actually said he was dead. I just assumed and he never said otherwise. Where is he then?’

  ‘Oh God, I wish I hadn’t said anything now. I feel I’ve just buggered things up with you and Simon. Finding out your husband’s lied to you isn’t so good, is it?’

  ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean to lie … not as such,’ Becky said, determined not to fall into what she felt might be a trap. ‘As I say, we’ve scarcely talked about it.’

  ‘William was in a nursing home over in Lytham.’ Marina opened up her sandwich and removed the cucumber. ‘I expect the truth is Simon feels guilty about that. I’m afraid he is completely out of it most of the time. Doesn’t know what day it is. Simon took me to see him once, a couple of years ago. I knew him when I was a little girl. He smelled of soap. Does Simon?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Smell of the laundry?’

  Becky laughed. ‘No. He isn’t in the laundry much. He’s too caught up in admin. I wonder if Simon doesn’t want me to see him, his grandfather. But …’ She hesitated. ‘Maybe he didn’t want to upset me if he’s as ill as you say but it doesn’t seem fair that he hasn’t seen Samantha. I mean, it might help him. He should see her, don’t you think?’

  ‘Absolutely. I think it’s a terrific idea. Plonk Samantha on his knee and tell him she’s his great granddaughter and you never know. It might nudge his memory back into gear for a while. Isn’t it sad? When you lose your memory, what have you got left? Mind you, there are some things you don’t particularly want to remember, aren’t there?’

  ‘Yes. I have some of those,’ Becky told her thoughtfully. ‘You wish you could forget and you do for a while and then something reminds you and they come thudding back. As clear as crystal at that.’

  ‘Don’t they just?’ Marina eyed her suspiciously. ‘I can feel a secret coming out. Come on, what is it?’

  ‘I don’t usually tell people this but there is something I can’t get out of my head and I wish I could.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’ She twiddled her cutlery, looking across the café to where a woman with a baby had just settled at an adjoining table. The baby was sitting on her mother’s knee, a child with podgy cheeks and a mere fluff of hair, not half as pretty as Samantha.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Becky, you can’t leave me in suspense.’

  ‘Well … I lost some of my friends when I was a teenager. They were all killed in a car accident,’ she said, hearing Marina’s sharp intake of breath. ‘It was all over the papers. I was the only one to survive. I was alone in the car with them for a while before they came to get me. I seem to have shut out the worst of it and it was just as well I couldn’t see Gerry and Dave in the front. Some bright spark told me later what happened to the pair of them. But I did see my friend Janet. She ended up on top of me and was just staring at me with her eyes open. There wasn’t a scratch on her, not that I could see. And Paul, our friend Paul …’ She pulled up, the memory sharp. ‘He was next to me and he was alive at first. He kept on moaning and asking for his mum and I told him it would be all right. But it wasn’t.’

  ‘Oh, my God. Becky! You poor girl.’ Marina stopped chewing and put her roll down on the plate. ‘Do you want to talk about it? Marina’s listening.’

  ‘Can we get out of here?’ she asked, the clatter and stuffiness suddenly getting to her.

  ‘Sure. Lousy sandwich anyway. Out you go and I’ll pay and then we can have a walk and you can tell me all about it, darling.’

  ‘Afterwards, they sent me for bereavement counselling.’

  ‘That’s what they do.’ Marina nodded, carefully non-committal. ‘Did it help?’

  ‘No. Not much. And my mum was in such a state, she wasn’t much help either. I keep asking myself why was I saved when the others all died.’

  They were back in the pleasant little square near Becky’s apartment. It was a lovely day and it seemed a shame to be indoors.

  ‘People always ask that,’ Marina said firmly. ‘It’s the guilt. Just think, if your friend Janet had lived, she would be asking precisely the same question.’

  ‘It was never the same
at school afterwards. How could it be? The football team lost its three best players and there were empty chairs, reminders all around. If it had been just one it would have been bad enough but five … five was unbelievable. It affected everybody in the school but me most of all. I think that’s the real reason why I didn’t stay on. I could have. Mum would have come round to the idea and the teachers would have been delighted.’

  ‘You just wanted to get away so that you wouldn’t be reminded of them every single day?’

  ‘Exactly. And then I played the what-if game. What if I hadn’t gone to that party that night? What if Janet decided not to go if I didn’t go? What if Gerry hadn’t passed his test and wanted to show off?’

  ‘We can all play that game. What if my mother had never met her new lover? What if she had told him to get lost, she had a family to care for? What if she hadn’t been so bloody selfish? I hate her for it, Becky, and then I hate myself for hating her. You can’t win. We’re all of us shrouded in guilt about one thing or another.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Marina. I’m being selfish talking about me all the time. You must have gone through so much when your mother left you.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. We’re tough as a family. We have to be. But that’s why I’m so fussy about men. Speaking of men, I do think Phil’s the one for me,’ she said, her face suddenly flooding with colour. ‘But I’m not going to hang about, Becky, doing nothing, waiting for him to propose. It’s time I got my finger out. I’ve got to get a job, something that matters to me. I have to prove I can do it. If you hear of anything, let me know. I’ve no qualifications to speak of but I can turn my hand to anything.’

  TWENTY-THREE

  BECKY PICKED HER moment to confront him.

  It was a bit difficult having a private conversation with her mum staying with them – the only time they were alone was when they were in bed and she didn’t want to talk about this in bed. Fortunately, Shelley was meeting up with an old friend, leaving them to enjoy a quiet dinner together. Samantha had been restless at bedtime and had taken some time to settle off but at last she had fallen asleep.