Hooflandia
Page 43
“You built that for his father, not him.”
Rutspud shrugged “Needs must when the devil drives. Pint?”
Joan let go of a ragged sigh and the last of her anger. “A pint would be nice.”
They walked the streets of Sutton Coldfield in the deepening twilight.
“I’ve never understood that phrase,” said Rutspud. “Needs must…”
“Does the devil even drive?” said Joan.
“No. Can’t. His hoofs are too tiny to operate the pedals.”
“Huh.”
The Boldmere Oak was back to its original form. Or, rather, it had never been anything else. Joan bought a pint of beer and a white wine spritzer and they settled into a cosy corner booth. Rutspud sipped his spritzer with evident pleasure but he was tactful enough to not mention how much it tasted like fizzy urine.
“We make quite a team,” she said.
“Indeed, we do,” said Rutspud.
“But…”
“It will be good to get back home,” he said, firmly. “I’ve had enough of earth for now.”
“Amen to that,” she replied and chinked her pint against his smaller glass.
A sharp wind sprung up, as though an unexpected hurricane had rolled into town and decided to pop in for a drink.
“Someone shut the door,” said Rutspud, a half smile on his face as he turned to look round. The pub door was shut.
The sudden gale was very localised, focused just on this room. No, Joan realised, it was focussed just on this booth. No, not even that. It was centred entirely around Rutspud.
“Is this Hell’s doing?” she said.
The tornado tightened around Rutspud, dashing his spritzer loudly against the wall as the air blurred, obscuring him from view.
Joan reached forward to grab him, but the funnel of blasting air batted her hands back.
“Rutspud!”
“Satan, help me!” he shouted.
She could no longer see him at all.
“God, even!” his fading voice cried. “I’m not picky…”
There was a clap of in-rushing air and in the blink of an eye, the wind vanished.
Joan stared.
Rutspud had vanished too.
TO BE CONTINUED…
A Spell in the Country by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
A witches’ bootcamp in the English countryside, from the authors of Clovenhoof. Three very different witches must fight an ancient adversary. Features a foul-mouthed imp, stampeding seaside donkeys and plenty of spells with unintended results.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B078NRFL93
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B078NRFL93
Disenchanted by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Ella Hannaford has a small business to run, an overworked father to look after and a future stepmother who wants a perfect wedding.
Can she avoid a girly night out with her clueless stepsister? Can she side-step lovesick suitors at every turn? Not if it’s up to that team of foul-mouthed dwarfs who want to forcibly drag her into her happily ever after.
Gingerbread cottages, dodgy European gangsters, gun-toting grannies, wisecracking wolves, stubborn fairy godmothers, ogres, beanstalks and flying carpets abound in a tale about what happens when you refuse to accept your Happy Ending.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B06X6DHK11
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B06X6DHK11
Oddjobs by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
It’s the end of the world as we know it, but someone still needs to do the paperwork.
Incomprehensible horrors from beyond are going to devour our world but that’s no excuse to get all emotional about it. Morag Murray works for the secret government organisation responsible for making sure the apocalypse goes as smoothly and as quietly as possible.
In her first week on the job, Morag has to hunt down a man-eating starfish, solve a supernatural murder and, if she’s got time, prevent her own inevitable death.
The first book in a new comedy series by the creators of ‘Clovenhoof’, Oddjobs is a sideswipe at the world of work and a fantastical adventure featuring amphibian wannabe gangstas, mad old cat ladies, ancient gods, apocalyptic scrabble, fish porn, telepathic curry and, possibly, the end of the world before the weekend.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody/dp/0993365531
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B01GVT13XQ