by Leanne Davis
“And that’s your connection to her? She got pregnant in Mexico from the rapes?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you marry her?”
“There’s more to her story. Her father, and other things that she doesn’t want known. That was our connection when it started, but now, it’s more. Despite my better judgment, I fell in love with her. I can’t let her suffer anymore. I need to get her the help she needs. She cuts herself. Has for years as near as I can figure out.”
Gretchen gasped. “That’s not a result of Mexico?”
“No.”
Gretchen leaned back, and exhaled slowly. The lights reflected her platinum curls in shining back glow. Once, Will might have felt his heart falling out of his chest for wanting Gretchen back so badly. He had felt disappointment and pain over the loss of their life together. Now, however, he merely felt pressed for time to figure out what best to do for Jessie. Jessie would hate him if she found out whom he told her story to. But Gretchen knew people, as well as the system for getting counseling and professional help. Besides, he trusted Gretchen to be completely confidential and caring in whatever she did. And she could never be controlled or manipulated by General Travis Bains, because she would never be known to the general.
“She sounds like she has a multitude of emotional problems including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the Mexico ordeal. But, Will, I specialize in children’s disorders, I can’t really say.”
“Gretchen, in many ways, she’s just that.”
Gretchen’s eyes focused in on him. “What are you looking for with her? A real marriage?”
He shrugged. “I doubt it. I doubt she could ever feel normal around me. Mostly, I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t commit suicide. I want to show her she can survive despite having this baby. That she can learn to heal. There has to be something or someone out there to help her.”
“You think she could commit suicide?”
“No. Not really. I’ve just never seen anyone hold so much pain inside as she does. I know I can’t help her, but I can’t stand seeing her so sad.”
“How come you’re smart enough to know you can’t save her?”
“You, Gretchen. You taught me a thing or two. I tried to save you, instead of standing by you.”
“It wasn’t just that. I know you didn’t fully understand how devastated I was after the miscarriage. You tried to help me, but you weren’t physically here. You didn’t connect with the pregnancy or see its heartbeat. The side effects of military life. Your coming and going, it was like—”
“You were living your life in a holding pattern. Unable to deal with real things because when I was around, you were trying to keep things good to get us through the times when I was gone.”
“You finally got it. I never dreamed you’d really fully understand. I know you thought I should have just been stronger.”
“Jessie explained that to me.”
“She did?”
“Yeah. She did.”
Will’s phone rang. He looked at the display, expecting Jessie. Instead, Lindsey’s number came up. He answered it.
“Where are you?” she shrieked over the phone.
“Lindsey? What’s wrong?”
“Oh God! You won’t believe it. She was bleeding. Bleeding in the bathtub and she lay in it like she liked it. Oh my God, I think—”
“You mean Jessie? You found her? She cut herself?”
“Cut herself? Like on purpose? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Yes, like on purpose. Where is she now?”
“I don’t know. I left. I’m calling you. What is going on?”
“Go back to our apartment, and make sure she’s okay. I’ll be right there.”
Will hung up before Lindsey could explain why she couldn’t possibly do that. He was on his feet as he was speaking and noticed Gretchen gathering up her coat and purse.
“I’m coming with you.”
There might be a chance Jessie wouldn’t forgive him. First, for letting Lindsey find out, and now, for Gretchen, his ex-wife, knowing. She’d never understand that. But he needed to help Jessie more than he needed her to like him.
He drove to his apartment, and quickly ran to the front door, where he barged in as if storming the place for enemies. Lindsey jumped up at his unexpected entrance. She had tears on her face, and her hair was messed up as if she’d been tugging her hands through it. The apartment was barely lit by a single microwave light.
“Where is she?”
“She hasn’t come out of the bedroom. What is going on? Why weren’t you shocked by my phone call? She was lying in blood. What the hell is wrong with her?”
“Everything, Lindsey. Everything is wrong with her. And it’s time you took the blinders off. It’s time you quit listening to Daddy’s lies about your sister and open your eyes and look at her.”
“I do see her! I see the pain and destruction she causes. I see her controlling you. How can you want her in your life? Cutting herself? Who does that? I caught her at your wedding. Right before she walked down the aisle, she had blood running down her legs, and onto her dress. She told me it was an accident. My God, she cut herself then too, didn’t she?”
“You think I didn’t know that? You’re the one who refuses to see what is right in front of your fucking nose, Lindsey. It’s time you faced up to some things. Starting with what was done to your sister. But first, I need to check on her.”
Lindsey stepped out of his way as he stomped past her, her face falling in surprise and pain. Jessie had locked the door. He quickly popped the lock and opened the door, not bothering to even ask her to open it. He knew better. He found her on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms over her knees. She didn’t stop the cuts, and blood stained her legs, and the bedding. She didn’t notice. She was still naked, although dry, but freezing. He pulled a blanket off the bed, and came closer to her. He wrapped it over her shoulders. She looked up at him, but her eyes were foggy, unseeing.
“She saw me. She’ll tell him. He’ll know now. He’ll kill me for this. He’ll kill me.”
Gently, he said, “No one will kill you. It’s okay, Jessie. It’s okay.”
Lindsey came to the doorway. Their eyes met. Lindsey’s eyes were open in horror as she beheld her miserable sister. The questions in her eyes were deep and sincere. Lindsey’s blinders had painfully been ripped away, much the way the general ripped away Jessie’s innocence at the age of sixteen when he ordered her into that room.
Will went to the bathroom, and got the first aid kid, which he took back to the bed. He gently uncovered Jessie’s legs until he found the cuts. He pushed a clean towel on them and applied pressure as he held it.
“Why are they so deep?” he asked quietly. She usually cut shallow, small incisions. These were much longer, and deeper, almost worthy of stitches.
She listlessly shrugged, riveting her gaze on the bed.
“You met Gretchen, didn’t you? I know she upset you. I invited her here because I need her help. I need to help you, and she can do that. She’s got a doctorate in clinical psychology and I trust her to help us get you the help you need to heal.”
Will quickly took the towels and pushed a large bandage over the latest cuts, then entwined the adhesive tape around her thighs, keeping it tight enough to maintain pressure on the wounds.
“You almost need stitches this time.”
She shrugged. Her gaze still staring and vacant.
“Jessie… look at me.”
She finally raised her eyes to him. She wasn’t okay. He saw the pain, the tears, and the depression. She was so not okay, and his heart froze, cracked, and shattered for her.
“We’ll figure this out. I promise. I’m right here. You know that. You have me.”
“I don’t have you.”
He took her chin in his hand, lifting her eyes up again. He kissed her mouth. A chaste meeting of their lips, soft and quick. She stared at him, her eyebrows furrowed. She didn
’t understand. “You have me. I’m going to make sure you get whatever you need to feel better.”
Jessie finally looked over his shoulder, towards her sister, still motionless in the doorway.
Will stood up. “Come on in, Lindsey. Sit down. We’re going to talk. Because I need Lindsey’s help and so do you, Jessie.”
Jessie pulled the blanket over her, shrugging, as if “whatever.” Will knew she truly thought no one would really believe her. Jessie was always ready, prepared, and more than willing to accept the rejection that so frequently came her way.
Lindsey looked with strange eyes at Will, then Jessie.
“What did I just witness?”
“You witnessed your sister cutting herself.”
“You knew? I don’t understand. If you knew, how could you let her do it?”
“I don’t let her do anything. How can I stop it?”
“But if you knew, Will, why did you marry her? And why, Jessie? Why would you do such a terrible thing to yourself? I mean why would anyone hurt themselves?”
Jessie’s face filled with shame. She hunched up into a smaller ball. Will watched her freeze up, as Lindsey judged her. He tacitly watched their entire, sick, frustrating cycle of misunderstanding starting all over again.
It was time. Time for Jessie to hear what he knew, and time for Lindsey to know. Jessie was getting worse, and she needed serious help. And he needed Lindsey’s help. They needed all the aid they could find because he knew very soon, he’d be gone again.
Will rested his butt on the edge of the dresser, crossing his arms over his chest. “Jessie was raped in Mexico. Repeatedly. By different men. And before you start questioning the honesty of her story, there is no need. I saw it, Lindsey. I watched it from the duct work where I was doing reconnaissance to figure out where she was and how to get her out. That baby isn’t mine. It’s one of those men who raped her.”
Lindsey’s face fell. She shook her head no. She looked at her sister who was rocking back and forth, staring with vacant eyes at the bedspread, acting as if she didn’t hear anything.
“No. No. I would have known. Why didn’t I know? The general said she was fine.”
“I saw it,” Will repeated, hearing Lindsey’s lifelong denial of what was right in front of her.
“You saw her get raped?”
“Yes. I saw her get raped. I saw her tied up naked. I saw three men take turns with her. I saw her get hit and kicked. I saw... more, things that she doesn’t want repeated. But they were things that did happen. So if you want to know what’s wrong with your sister, Lindsey, you can start there.”
Lindsey dropped her head, and her shoulders slumped. “Oh my God. This, then, is the connection between you two? And why you married her? And why you claimed the baby as yours. Because you knew this?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t even sleep with her, do you? You sleep on the couch.”
Will stiffened. “That’s irrelevant.”
Lindsey stood up and took a hesitant step forward, towards her sister, who still acted as if she heard nothing. Perhaps she didn’t. Jessie had the habit of losing large chunks of time.
“And the cutting?”
“The cutting started long before this.”
“But why? Why would she do this before now?”
“Ask her,” Will said gently.
Lindsey came over to the bed, and finally sat on it, near Jessie.
“How long have you done this to yourself?”
Jessie finally raised her eyes and looked at her sister. “Since I was sixteen.”
“Why? What was so bad that you felt you had to do that?”
“Everything.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“After you left home, it was just me and the general. And everything got so much worse.”
“What do you mean worse?”
“Your father, Lindsey,” Will finally spoke up. He was about to shake her for clinging to her denial. “Don’t tell me you’re surprised by all of this. Once I was in the same room with both of them, I knew the general abused Jessie. He belittled her and bullied her. You knew that. Somewhere in you, you knew. You just decided not to see or hear it, and cling to your illusions because Daddy was nice to you. You wanted to pretend Jessie must have done something wrong to warrant his hatred.”
“Okay, he was harder on her. But she did everything to disrespect him, to make things harder on herself. I never understood why she couldn’t try to be better, to be more—”
“Like you? Because—”
Jessie suddenly spoke sharply, “No, Will. No. Some of it doesn’t matter. I don’t want some things to be explained. I cut myself because Dad was so mean to me. That’s what you need to know.”
“That doesn’t make sense though. He was stern, but he wanted the best for us. He wanted us to achieve our personal bests.”
“He wanted us to be boys, his soldiers, and when we weren’t, he decided to make us the best girls we could be. You measured up, you were always fast enough, smart enough, quiet enough, obedient enough. I wasn’t. I was clumsy. I wasn’t particularly athletic or smart, nor was I able to perform his strain of obedience. I was always harder to deal with, so he dealt with me. You remember, Lindsey. I know and you know you do.”
Lindsey paled. Will was pretty sure she remembered, but only just now, in this moment. Prior to that, it was buried.
“Come on, you know how deeply your father hates Jessie.”
“I know,” she finally whispered, looking at her hands. “You were really raped?”
“Yes,” Jessie said finally, staring at her own hands.
“I should have tried to protect you from Dad. I just, I didn’t know how. And it scared me, how easily he turned on you. I was afraid he’d do it to me. You were my baby sister, I should have protected you. Instead, I banished you, to him. I did whatever he said. I’m sorry, Jessie. I’m so sorry.”
Jessie shook her head. “I’d have done the same thing. You can’t fight him. If I’d had his approval, I would have been too scared of losing it to help anyone else.”
“Can you forgive me? I mean after twenty years, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
Jessie looked up, and her heart was there in her brown eyes. Jessie would do just about anything for her sister to love her. After losing her mother, Jessie transferred her need for maternal love and acceptance to Lindsey. That’s why Will fought so hard to encourage them to talk to each other.
“I can. I’m not the general. I know how to forgive.”
Lindsey finally smiled. “No, you’re not like the general or me. Oh, Jessie, I’m so sorry for how I turned against you just to earn his love. I’m sorry for all of it. Mostly though, for what you suffered in Mexico and I didn’t even know.”
Lindsey leaned over, running a hand over Jessie’s leg, as if to heal her. She seemed almost reverent in her sympathy. “Oh Jessie, what does this do for you? How does it make you feel better?”
Jessie looked at Will. She didn’t really know why she did it, other than it allowed her to cope. It was an unhealthy way of surviving her father’s rage.
Lindsey eyed Will too. “And how come you know? How come you understand this?”
“She does it to cope. To release the pain inside her. She does it because she feels so unloved, and unworthy she thinks she deserves it. Sometimes, she just needs to make sure she’s still here. To literally feel the pain and know she is still alive. I don’t think she knows the answer you want. She just does it. And she needs help to stop.”
“Do you want to stop?”
Jessie shook her head no. Lindsey recoiled in surprise. Jessie thought she still needed it to function. It was an uphill battle that awaited her.
“But maybe it’s time to try,” Jessie finally said, looking up at him. Will nodded and smiled at her. She smiled wearily back.
“Maybe it is.”
Lindsey asked Will, “So what does your ex-wife have to do with all of
this?”
“I’ll take that as my cue to explain exactly what I do,” Gretchen said, entering the bedroom.
Chapter Eighteen
Will had Gretchen in his view during the entire conversation. He knew she’d come in and waited in the living room. They made silent eye contact, she nodded and sat down on the couch.
Jessie gaped at the women in her bedroom, suddenly pushing herself off the bed. “For God’s sake! I’m not even dressed. She heard everything? How could you, Will? How could you let her sit out there and listen to my life, like some kind of voyeur? How could you tell everyone?”
“In order to get you help.”
“I don’t want your help. Not like this. You betrayed me. I trusted you. I trusted you like I never trusted anyone. You’re just like my father, controlling me to fit into your agenda.”
“You can trust me,” he said softly. His gentle tone was in stark contrast to her yelling. “But the fact is, Jessie, I’m being deployed. I won’t be here. And I can’t leave you like this alone. I just can’t do it. But I have to. I’m sorry I had to do this, and ambush you, to speed it all up. But I had no choice. And I hope someday you’ll see my reasoning. But I’m nothing like your father because my only goal is to get you healthy, however and whatever that takes.”
“You’re being deployed? Now?”
He nodded, and waited for her to process it. As he had for days now. What spurred on his sudden need to address Jessie’s problems. Before he got the news, he thought time, patience, and letting her work through her grief would gradually work. But now he had to leave her, at the mercy of her father and her demons. He couldn’t do it, so he called on Lindsey and Gretchen. He was just lucky Gretchen had come in time. Now he could use her to facilitate getting Jessie to the treatment center he had lined up for her. Little did Jessie know this was only the beginning of what he intended to do to help her.
“I invited Lindsey over, Jessie. Of course, I didn’t think she’d catch you like she did, but maybe it’s for the best. We need her. You need her.”
Jessie turned away from him, the blanket billowing around her, but finally walked towards him. “You’re really leaving me?”
