by Leanne Davis
Her words stabbed him in the gut. Her voice sounded so small, like a child’s, losing her only parent, her only support system. Jessie lost everything, and Will was her last anchor to reality. He knew that all along, which was why he so resisted her attempts to reach out to him. When he ultimately faced it, and now, that he finally grew to want it, he was leaving her. No matter how much he wanted to stay, or how much his job and duty demanded, it was definitely not his choice to leave her. There was no chance of changing the results, despite his intentions.
“Lindsey? Gretchen? Why don’t you leave Jessie and me alone for awhile? I’ll call you both later.”
Lindsey and Gretchen both stood up, looking shaken, completely at a loss of what to do or where to go after what they’d just witnessed. Lindsey hugged her sister and left. Gretchen gently touched Will’s arm in silent support before following Lindsey.
Will turned back to Jessie. “Yes, I’m leaving you.”
Jessie got up from the bed finally and started pacing the bedroom. “I told you I hate the fucking military. I hate being married to you. I hate you for marrying me. I hate you, Will Hendricks. So go! Go to your precious military! Go kill people, and see if I care. See if I’m still here when you’re all done. Or when you feel like coming home again. And what then? Take a little break before you go back and do it all again! It’s a stupid way of life! I don’t know why anyone would sign up to spend a lifetime doing that.”
“You’re right, no one should. No one deserves a lifetime of pain.”
She started pacing again. “Don’t use your soothing voice on me. I know exactly what you’re doing. You soothe and placate me as if I’m a frightened child. Trying to calm Crazy Jessie down from the ledge again. Isn’t that what you’re always doing?”
“Yes, it is.”
She stopped, but her look was so full of hatred, his heart twisted. Still, he kept his expression neutral. He leaned casually against the dresser, and let her do what she needed to do. She couldn’t control her feelings. He knew it. She didn’t. She couldn’t understand why she did what she did. She was always sorry later, but she couldn’t stop while she was doing it, and acting out.
“Why? Why do you do it? So you know I was raped. So you know my father’s a bastard, why do you stay with me? Why do you try to help me?”
Because I love you. But he didn’t say it. If he did, he thought she’d probably say it back and pretend that solved everything for her. She’d be happy for awhile, and secure in that knowledge. But the problem was, she didn’t know what she felt. She didn’t know what it means to fall in love. Her feelings for him were all mixed up. She looked at him as her savior because he was the person who physically rescued her. Then he stood up for her, against her father, as well as her father’s friends. She saw him as someone she could count on, like no one else. She saw him as a father figure in a strange way. She was only twenty-years-old and had not yet begun to examine herself, her heart, or her life. She knew nothing: who she was, where she came from, what she wanted, or where she was going.
But Will knew, even if she didn’t. She had to fix herself before they even stood a chance of being friends. His love for her would end up breaking his heart, simply because she was so broken. He believed she could be fixed, but loving him wasn’t enough. It would only muddy the waters for her.
The most he could do for Jessie was keep her away from her father, and protect her. Finding her the help she needed was going to be a long process that would take time and money. He could give that to Jessie. If she believed he was doing it out of obligation, or a sense of duty, so much the better. She half hated needing him, and him knowing she needed him. So he’d let it be, and let her hate him. He’d leave her, and she’d just think he abandoned her, instead of tearing himself away from her in order for her to someday recover.
“I want to help you because you deserve it. You need the help.”
She started shaking, pacing, twisting her fingers into her arms. She shook her head and blinked her eyes as tears started to fall unheeded down her cheeks. “What the fuck do you know about what I need? You won’t even touch me. You don’t know anything about what I need. Or about what I want. You don’t have to look down every day and see this thing growing inside you, taking over your life, ruining it. You don’t know. You don’t know anything. You watched the rapes. You feel guilty. Big fucking deal. Did you feel it? Did you smell them? Did you have to listen to them? Did you have to endure it? Do you have to scratch your skin off in order to forget what their hands felt like? What their breaths smelled like? Do you have to remember how much it hurt? Like a fire being set inside me. You don’t know, Will. You don’t know. You don’t know. YOU DON’T KNOW! You didn’t help me. You watched me. You watched it, and now? Now you want to help me? Well, you can’t. You can’t. No one can. Nothing can. I’ll never be better. I’ll never be okay.”
Will fisted his hands at his side to keep from grabbing her. She started pacing and talking, before stopping and dropping into a ball on the floor. She started rocking and holding herself. Her blanket fell off, unnoticed. She was falling to pieces. The anger, the hatred, the gut-wrenching pain that boiled inside her was slowly incinerating her. And what could he do, but watch? He never felt so helpless or useless in his life than witnessing Jessie going to an emotional edge the likes of which he’d never imagined. He watched her rocking, crying, and screaming first at him, then at her life, and what happened to her. It was too much for any person to bear. It was so dark and sick, it twisted her up inside with anguish.
He finally approached her, and sat down next to her with his back against the bed, and his legs stretched out before him. He put a hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away, and twitched at the contact. He let her. Then he let her cry, and cry, and cry. Sometimes she stopped and gasped for breath. Her anger built up again, and an uncontrollable rage that refueled her made her start yelling and screaming at him. He let her until finally, hours later, she fell exhausted against the bed. And was finally quiet. He put his arm around her, and she put her head on his shoulder and quit crying. He took her hand in his.
“I need help, don’t I?” she asked. Her tone was back to its normal cadence. Quiet. Solemn. Subdued.
“Yeah, you need help.”
“How can you stand me?”
“Because I know.”
“As simple as that?”
“As simple as that.”
“I’m afraid of myself. What I might do to myself.”
“I know.”
“I need psychiatric help, don’t I?”
“I have a plan. Gretchen specializes in children, but I brought her here to help you get to where you need to be. I wasn’t sure if your sister would help us. But I had to have someone I trust watching out for you. I know for sure Gretchen would never betray me. It had nothing to do with our history, other than, I knew I could trust her, and that your father wouldn’t go near her, or try to control her.”
“For me then? You contacted her for me?”
“I did it because I can’t leave you like this. And I won’t without someone I trust to look after you.”
“You won’t be back for me, will you?”
“I don’t think I’m the best man for you. As you said, I know too much. I remind you of too much. I’m not what’s best for you, Jessie. You just don’t have anyone else right now.”
Silence. It sat between them like a concrete block had been thrown between them. She closed her eyes and said in a voice full of deep regret and heartache, “I thought, maybe, I could love you.”
He brought his mouth to her hair where the back of her head rested on his shoulder. He brushed his lips across the top of her head gently. God, if she only knew how much he loved her. So much, he couldn’t tell her.
“I think that’s a pretty natural reaction, given our circumstances.”
“Circumstances being: I need you too much.”
“I’d say so.”
She was quiet for a full five minutes, and
finally asked softly, “Where do I go from here?”
“Away. Away from here. This town. Your father. I want you to move across the country and start your life over. You’ll never get better as long as you remain under your father’s rule, and the military in your constant line of vision. I want you to start over, get help, and deal with what happened to you. Then find yourself a normal man, get a normal job, live a normal life in a regular civilian town. I want you to live the life you deserve. And that won’t happen here, or with me. I’m the last thing you need in your life.”
She jerked back, startled. She didn’t expect any of what he had in mind. “Leave? My God, I don’t do anything. I have no money. I know no one. I can’t leave.”
“You have money. You have me. I’m not going to abandon you. You’ll use the money I send you to start over. You’ll use my insurance to get the help you need. We don’t divorce until you’re completely okay. Okay in all ways. Financially included.”
“But that puts your life on hold.”
He shrugged. “Consider it a minor sacrifice for me. I told you before, when I married you, it was the least I owed you. Helping you escape your father’s tyranny. That I can give you.”
“I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“Funny you should mention that. I have this friend, who owes me a favor. I kind of saved his life. He and his wife have a small guest apartment over their barn, and they are ready to take you in. The best thing is: it’s far away from here. They own acreage in Washington state where they breed, train, and board horses, as well as providing horseback riding lessons. You can help out if you want, or find something else. It doesn’t matter. It’s across the country and a new start. You’ll be safe there, and that I can promise you.”
“Who would do such a thing for a complete stranger?”
“Someone who lost his leg, but I made sure he didn’t lose his life.”
She looked up at him. “You mean that soldier you told me about? That night in the motel room? When you said I’d get through this?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“And this is you helping me get through this?”
He nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on hers. She finally nodded in response. “Okay. I’ll go. I’ll do whatever Gretchen and Lindsey say.”
“Thank you, Jessie,” he said, exhaling a long sigh.
“What should I do with this baby?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s what you’ll figure out.”
“What if I don’t figure it out in time?”
“You will. I believe in you.”
She looked down, then up. “No one else ever has.”
He took her hand. “Someone does now. Someone truly believes in you, never forget that.”
Chapter Nineteen
Jessie didn’t know what to do next. The hours she spent literally wringing her guts out, and exposing everything she usually denied left her feeling totally drained. Totally flat. There was nothing left in her. Nothing left to feel. Nothing left to give. Nothing left to say. She was on the floor of Will’s bedroom, but she felt empty. He was leaving. She was leaving. Whatever small comfort, or sense of safety she possessed here was also now leaving.
They stayed silent for almost an hour. Finally, Will shifted, and started to get up, his large body moving with unexpected grace.
“You need to get some sleep.”
She knew he was right. Will was always right about what she needed, although most times, she could never see it. Things like her sister. And Gretchen’s help. And marrying her. He knew, he saw, and still… he stayed with her. She didn’t quite know what to do with that knowledge.
He was up and moving around, while she felt dazed, almost drugged. She blinked when he spoke, and nodded, slowly getting to her feet. She felt uncomfortable, dizzy. In contrast to the grace and poise of Will, she appeared just the opposite. Every part of her felt like it was stretching, and in ways her body shouldn’t move. She felt creaky, sore, and ill.
She scrimmaged around for a nightgown, and got into bed. She tugged and pulled at whatever covers she could find. Exhaustion and fatigue were so deeply felt in her muscles, as well as her soul, she wondered if she’d ever find the strength or motivation to get out of bed again.
Will disappeared into the other room. She heard him talk in muffled tones on the phone. No doubt lining up plan with Gretchen and Lindsey. Plans for her. He came in to check on her and clicked the lamp off. He turned to leave quietly.
“Will?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you stay with me?”
She could physically feel his resistance. “Please? Just tonight.”
“All right.” He left the room, no doubt to get his kitchen chair, and she sat up on the bed.
“That’s not what I meant. Stay here, as in sleep next to me.”
“That’s definitely not happening.”
“I’m not, I swear. I’m so—”
What was she? What words in the English language could describe what she was? She felt terror in a deep place, which she couldn’t name, as well as pain, and the irresistible urge to run sharp objects across her skin. Were there names for all the terrible things she felt? Or haunted her mind, and told her what to do?
“Scared. I’m so scared.”
He knew. She could feel his energy. He knew she wasn’t afraid of the dark, or scared of simple things. She was scared for her life. For her mind. For her sanity. And for whatever was next.
Mostly, however, she was scared of what she might do to herself as soon as he left her.
He came to the bed, and paused. She could feel his hesitancy as he went to the opposite side of the bed, pulled down the covers and slid in beside her. He still wore his jeans and t-shirt. It didn’t matter to Jessie. His body felt huge, strong, and warm. His smell surrounded her, enveloping her. His massive body and his strength made her feel secure. Will meant safety. Safety from the dark, from her nightmares, and from her memories. Will was the beam of light that first gave her hope in the dark, dank cell.
He turned on his side, next to her, and nearly spooning, but not quite touching. His arm crossed over her and fell on the mattress near her stomach. She grabbed his hand between hers, and hung onto it with childlike need. His muscles felt huge against her, pinning one of her arms beneath her. He seemed so massive and strong that she had no doubt he could easily overtake her in one second flat. But that wasn’t how Will used his body or his mind. Will protected her and cared for her. He was always there for her, unlike everyone else. She liked trusting his nearness to her, always protecting her. It was the closest she’d ever come to feeling loved by a man, as well as true intimacy.
They lay there together in silence and warmth, and Jessie felt so comfortable, it made tears fall from her eyes. If only it were real. Why couldn’t Will cuddle her with genuine affection? She wished he had met her like a normal girl, got to know her and started dating her, until he could fall in love with her.
Instead, Will was embracing her, still there for her, but because of the sick connection they shared, and because he was a decent man. Jessie knew he was truly the most decent man she ever met. Until she met him, she never really believed that decent men existed in the world.
Will proved himself over and over to her. His loyalty and concern for her well being wasn’t something he had to give her. But he did, as well as the responsibility he accepted for her. She valued and cherished those attributes now, because clearly this was her last chance. Today became the day Jessie chose which road her life would take. Either she fixed her damaged psyche, and found a way to live with herself, or she was forever doomed to remaining dysfunctional, broken, and unlovable. It was her choice, and test, to make it or not.
“Gretchen is lovely, isn’t she? As a woman, and as a person.”
Will jerked his arm as if stunned and sighed. His tone was a little hesitant, but resigned, when he answered, “Yes. She is.”
“She’s your type, isn’t
she? Lovely. Intelligent. Caring. It isn’t the tall, blond siren thing I first thought drew you to Lindsey. No, it’s their goodness. Their innocence. Their girl-next-door niceness. They’re the kind of girls a man wants to spend his life with. The kind of girls men don’t do kinky things with for one night out.”
“Yes. I guess. I never really put much thought into it before.”
“I’m not that. None of it.”
“Jessie, that’s not—”
“The point? I know. I just wish... that I was. I just wish when you met me, I had been in college, or maybe working somewhere. And that you saw me, liked me, and wanted to ask me out, simply to get to know me better. I wish I could be lovely, intelligent, and caring. I wish I’d been the kind of girl you’d choose to get to know.”
“That’s not—”
“Possible? I know. I know that. You met me naked and chained in a cell. There is no making me that girl. The good girl. I know that. I just wish I wasn’t so... so bad.”
His arms tightened around her. “Don’t. Stop it. I wasn’t going to say anything like that. I was going to tell you how lovely I think you are. I know there is wisdom and caring inside you. I think none of what happened to you was ever your fault. And the thing is, knowing what I know makes me off limits. But someone else won’t be, Jessie. Somewhere, there is a nice, decent man, who will truly love you, if you let him see and know the real Jessie. Not the Jessie who punishes herself for her father’s sins and perversions.”
“My father didn’t do it all.”
“He did. He did it all to you. Including Mexico. And someday you’ll know that. You aren’t to blame. You aren’t bad. You aren’t anything except General Travis Bains’s victim.”
“Have you, even for a second, wished we met some other way?”
“Every time I look at you, I wish I met you some other way.”
She turned in his arms and lay flat on her back. The room appeared gloomy in gray shadows. “Do you mean that?”
“Yeah, of course, I mean it.” His face was closer and his eyes stared deeply into hers. She didn’t move or breathe, and didn’t shift her eyes.
