A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls)

by De Vita, Sharon

  Jared shifted uncomfortably. “She loved you very much, Jesse. You were her youngest son. She never got over losing you.”

  Unable to speak, Jesse simply nodded, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss he simply couldn’t explain. It was like a raw, open wound of grief in his heart, leeching through every inch of his being.

  “Well, look, it’s late, I’d better get back to bed or I won’t get any sleep before it’s time to get up for the next feeding.” Jared hesitated a moment, his hand still on Jesse’s shoulder. “Thanks, Jesse.”

  “For what?”

  Jared’s smile was slow. “For coming home, bro. For coming home.”

  Home.

  Jesse sighed. Maybe, just maybe for the first time in his life, he was beginning to understand exactly what the word home meant. But it was a struggle, he had to admit. A real struggle, and he was torn by so many conflicting emotions of where home was, and more importantly, where he belonged.

  His eyes slid closed and memories of his mother, his real mother, flashed through his mind. So fast he wanted to slow them down, savor them like a long-lost beloved book recently found.

  The grief he felt when he thought of his mother—of his own loss—was too profound for him to contain the emotions the recovered memory of her evoked.

  He’d lost her in so many ways, he thought. Lost her, and worse, lost all of his memories of her. And that, he realized, was the real tragedy.

  How could he not have remembered her? he wondered, feeling a profound sense of shame mixed with grief. How could he have simply erased any memory of someone he’d loved so deeply, instinctively, the way only a child could love his mother?

  Jesse shook his head.

  He didn’t know.

  With a sigh, he lay across the bed, then tried again to recall, to remember who Jesse Ryan had been. The desire to know was suddenly immediate and urgent, as if it was the most important thing in the world. And maybe at the moment it was, he thought.

  If he remembered who Jesse Ryan had been, perhaps then he’d know who he really was.

  And then finally he’d be able to go…home.

  Hannah glanced up at the Ferris wheel in absolute horror. “Oh no, Jesse. No.” Raising her hands in the air, she took a self-protective step back and furiously shook her head.

  The Saddle Falls carnival had arrived in town just for the weekend. It was an annual event held the weekend before the start of school again at the end of January. There were rides, arcades, fortune-tellers and food kiosks offering anything a person could want.

  It was a traditional outing for the Ryan clan, and she and Riley had always been included. This year Jesse had invited both her and Riley, and they’d gone together as a threesome, meeting the rest of the family at Tonoto’s pizza parlor for dinner before heading toward the carnival.

  The Ryans always donated the parking lot of the Saddle Falls Hotel to the carnival operators to use, and the sheriff made sure Main Street and all the connecting side streets were closed to ensure public safety.

  Electric carnival lights had been strung up around the perimeter of the enormous hotel parking lot and now lit up the entire area like a bright noonday.

  The crowd was enormous, drawing from the entire town of Saddle Falls as well as all the smaller towns surrounding it.

  Hannah glanced up at the Ferris wheel again and felt her stomach pitch and roll. She shook her head once more, ignoring the amusement in Jesse’s eyes.

  “Now, for the past week or so I’ve gone along with just about every harebrained idea you had about showing me how to have…fun.” Hannah almost choked on the last word. “But I draw the line at climbing aboard something that’s going to send me soaring into the sky.” She scowled at him, trying not to be charmed by the look on his face. It was hard, she realized, when he was standing there holding her beloved daughter in his arms, and they were wearing identical, mischievous grins.

  “Come on, Mama, it will be fun,” Riley encouraged, reaching out an arm to wrap it around her mother’s neck to draw her closer. Riley succeeded in drawing her mother close, but Hannah was also just that much closer to Jesse. And it made her nervous. “Uncle Jesse said so.”

  “Uncle Jesse said so,” Hannah muttered under her breath. Uncle Jesse had been saying a lot of things the past week, she realized. To her. To Riley.

  And she didn’t know who was more enamored of him, Hannah thought with a weary sigh. Her. Or her daughter.

  In either case, looking at the love and adoration shining in her daughter’s eyes, Hannah realized that this could turn out to be quite a disastrous situation.

  Riley had taken to Jesse in a way she’d never taken to another man before, not even Jake, Jared or Josh. The little girl had pretty much adopted Jesse as her own.

  But she herself wasn’t any better, Hannah realized dully. She’d been spending as much time being charmed by the blasted man as her daughter. It was just so odd. She normally didn’t trust men. Not any of them. Not that she let men get close enough to her to trust. And for some reason, perhaps because of their shared history and past, she trusted Jesse. Instinctively and totally.

  As a friend, she reminded herself, trying to keep her feelings and emotions balanced and curb the fear over the feelings she couldn’t deny.

  But she was an adult, much better at understanding these kinds of life situations.

  Unfortunately, Riley was just a child and didn’t understand that just because Jesse was a part of their lives for now, it didn’t mean he would be permanently. And the thought worried Hannah because she didn’t want to see her daughter hurt when Jesse left, and he would leave, she realized. He’d made that clear in every way every day.

  As much as Riley longed for and needed a strong male figure in her life, Hannah couldn’t let her daughter become too dependent on Jesse.

  She knew it, but at the moment she wasn’t certain how to prevent it. Hannah glanced at her daughter again and felt a swell of loving protectiveness. If it wasn’t too late already, Hannah thought with a sigh, shoving her hair back from her forehead to glance up at the dreaded carnival ride again.

  “Mama, please?” Riley begged, her lower lip sliding into a pout. “I really wanna go. Pul-lease?” Riley was doing her best imitation of a poor neglected child deprived of her heart’s desire.

  “Riley, honey—”

  “Now, darlin’, you’re not afraid, are you?” Jesse teased, sliding his free arm around Hannah’s waist and drawing her even closer. A hint of his scent, so achingly familiar now, teased her nostrils and caused her toes to tighten in her shoes.

  “Afraid?” she repeated, trying to sound brave and failing miserably. “Absolutely not,” she insisted with a stubborn lift of her chin. “It’s just…just…if I’d been meant to go flying around the sky, I’m sure I would have been born with an engine, wings and a couple of propellers.”

  Hannah had always prided herself on never showing any weakness in front of her daughter. Never showing any fear, especially not of heights. She was Riley’s total security and stability; it wouldn’t do for her daughter to feel she couldn’t handle something.

  “You’re funny, Mama,” Riley said with a giggle. “But can I go, even if you don’t want to?” She beamed at Jesse, winding her arm tighter around his neck. “I won’t be afraid if Uncle Jesse’s there, Mama. Honest.”

  Torn, Hannah glanced from her daughter to Jesse, not certain if she was amused or annoyed by Riley’s unfailing belief in Jesse. Something else for her to worry about.

  She was just doing this—spending so much time with Jesse—to protect Tommy and the Ryans, she assured herself. At least if she was around Jesse and the family, she could keep an eye on him and make sure nothing went wrong.

  In addition, Jesse seemed to be far more comfortable when she was there and his family was around. Almost as if she was a conduit, bridging the gap between them. A role she happily would play if it meant ensuring Tommy’s happiness.

  But she had to be realistic. As much tim
e as she was spending with Jesse was also time Riley was spending with him, and getting more and more attached to him day by day.

  As was Hannah. And she knew better than to get emotionally involved with a man who wasn’t permanent. Or more importantly with a man who couldn’t see the value of family, especially his own. Like Jesse. Like Riley’s father, she thought. She’d already lived through that once, and would never make that mistake again. Not just for her sake, but her Riley’s as well.

  No, she realized, blowing out a breath and glaring at the carnival ride, she had to keep her feelings in perspective in order to protect her daughter. That was her first priority.

  She’d just have to monitor the situation with Riley carefully, she reasoned.

  “Come on, darlin’,” Jesse said, leaning down to whisper in Hannah’s ear as his fingers tightened around her waist, drawing her even closer to tenderly brush his lips against her temple, sending a chill racing through her. The temptation to lean into him, against him, to quiet some of the longings that had been building each day since the moment she’d laid eyes on him was strong. But she resisted them. Barely.

  “It’ll be fun,” Jesse promised. “And I promise to keep you safe.” He laughed when she gave him a wild look. “Hey, you’re gonna bruise my masculinity, here.” Eyes twinkling, Jesse grinned. “Most women would feel safe with a big guy like me.”

  She laughed. “I’m sure, Jesse, but I’m not most women.” The moment the words were out, she regretted them, realizing how they sounded. She wasn’t angry or bitter, simply realistic. Most women had been able to trust and lean on a man at some time in their life. Either a father, a boyfriend, a husband. Her father had never been around long enough to lean on, and when he was around, he was too busy with his far flung business interests and his concern with impressing his friends to pay any attention to his daughters. And the only boyfriend, if you could call him that, she’d ever had was Riley’s father, and she certainly couldn’t trust or depend on him for anything.

  “Darlin’, I reckon that’s a real shame, then,” Jesse said quietly, realizing that his gut feeling that someone had hurt her deeply was probably right on target. Every protective instinct inside him, the instinct to protect one of your own, surged to the fore, surprising him.

  The idea of someone hurting Hannah made his fists curl. Worse, the idea that she felt as if she had never been able to trust a man made him feel sad for her.

  Although he wanted to know everything about her past, he decided now wasn’t the time to pry. Not with Riley sitting within earshot. He was a patient man. He could wait. But he made a note to ask Hannah about it the next time they were alone.

  “Well, darlin’, I guess you’re gonna have to learn that there are some men in this world you can trust.” His gaze, somber, steady and oh-so-reassuring, met hers. “Remember what I told you that first day in your backyard?” he asked quietly.

  “I remember,” she admitted dismally, realizing just how her response had sounded. “That you don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

  “That’s right, darlin’.” Cocking his head, he looked at her. “Don’t you believe me?” he asked at the look on her face.

  “No. I mean I believe you, Jesse, but…but—”

  “But what?”

  “If I get sick, Jesse Ryan, I swear I’m going to strangle you,” she muttered as he laughed.

  “Come on, darlin’.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I promise you’ll be safe and it’ll be fun.” He drew back and looked at her for a long moment. “I would never let anything happen to you, Hannah-Anna,” he whispered. “You’re safe as long as you’re with me.” He ran a finger down her nose then grinned. “And that, darlin’, is a promise.”

  Too stunned to respond, Hannah let him take her hand to lead her to the line waiting for a ride on the Ferris wheel.

  “I always wanted to kiss a pretty girl while sitting atop one of these things,” Jesse admitted as the attendant carefully strapped the three of them into the first empty swinging seat.

  “Uncle Jesse, you can kiss me,” Riley offered, nearly bouncing in her seat in excitement and lifting her face for his kiss. He laughed and obliged by planting a loud kiss on her cheek.

  “Can I kiss you again when we get to the top?” he asked, nuzzling his nose against hers.

  “Yep.” Riley grinned, craning her neck to see as much as possible, wiggling in her seat and making the entire thing sway back and forth. Hannah gritted her teeth tightly together, praying her stomach would stop swaying and dipping, fearing everything in it was about to reappear.

  Eyes wide with adoration, Riley grinned. “You can kiss me anytime, Uncle Jesse.”

  Jesse draped an arm around Riley as well as Hannah, drawing both of them close until they were pressed against them. “Well, darlin’, I do believe I’ll take you up on your offer.” He was looking at Hannah when he said it. His mouth was inviting and more than tempting. If she closed her eyes she could actually remember the feel of his lips against hers. The taste of him. The strength of his arms as he wrapped them around her, pulling her close to the hardness of that incredible body.

  Hannah wanted to groan in frustration. She was flushed, warm, and if this ride didn’t get going pretty soon, she was going to jump out of her skin in anticipation, not certain if it was from the fear of the ride or the fear of knowing Jesse was going to kiss her again.

  It meant nothing, she assured herself, turning to stare out over the parking lot. In the past week, Jesse had kissed her numerous times, but as a friend, she told herself. Nothing more. He’d kissed Rebecca, Emma, and Natalie, she thought.

  But not quite the same way he’d kissed her, she had to admit.

  But she wasn’t about to read anything into it. Jesse was just being…friendly. That’s all, she reasoned. No use borrowing something to worry about when she had plenty of real things to worry about.

  With a jerk that almost had her fighting for freedom, the ride started and Hannah gripped the handlebar tightly, trying not to let the fear inside her show.

  “Relax, darlin’, I promise you’re safe,” Jesse whispered, turning to her, hating the fear he saw in her eyes and realizing how little trust she had. For him. For everyone. And he couldn’t help but wonder what on earth, or who on earth, had put that fear into her.

  “Easy for you to say,” she muttered, clinging tighter to the bar and leaning into him. He was strong and steady, and he wasn’t…moving. At the moment it was something to be grateful for.

  “Look, Mama, I could almost see our house.” Riley pointed, her arm extending out of the swinging seat, and Hannah’s heart plunged.

  “Riley, please, keep your hands inside.”

  “Careful, darlin’,” Jesse whispered in Hannah’s ear. “You’re going to frighten her. If she senses your fear, you’ll transmit it to her, and then she’ll be afraid of heights as well.”

  “I…I…can’t help it,” Hannah admitted, giving him a woeful look as the ride slowly made its way around the cycle. She knew Jesse was right, but at the moment could do little about it. Struggling to look composed, Hannah scowled as the ground moved farther and farther away. “I hate heights.”

  “Good thing you’re not any taller than you are then, darlin’,” he teased. “Or you’d be in big trouble.”

  She laughed. She couldn’t believe it was possible to laugh when her stomach was in knots, her heart was tumbling, her nerves thrumming and her knuckles so white they hurt.

  As the ride slowed, then finally stopped at the top, her eyes were clenched shut.

  “Look, Mama, I can see all the way forever.”

  She didn’t want to look. She wanted to get down and have the solid, stable, stationary ground underneath her. And she wasn’t ever leaving it again, she decided.

  “Open your eyes, darlin’,” Jesse coaxed, his arm warm around her, his breath soft and feathering over her ear again, making her shiver. “It’s quite a spectacular sight.”

  Clenching her teeth tig
htly together, Hannah forced herself to slowly open her eyes. Her breath caught. “It’s…beautiful,” she admitted, staring across the entire expanse of the town. The stark contrast of the stars sparkling like diamonds on fire against a black backdrop of sky was magical. The moon was high, a small sickle of white with shadows radiating off it as if it were a living, breathing thing. The entire town of Saddle Falls was spread out below, dazzling in display, making her heart ache with love for her home. “Just beautiful,” she said again, swallowing a lump.

  “So are you,” Jesse whispered against her ear, nearly making her bolt out of the seat again. “So are you.” He pressed closer until his lips were trailing across her ear. “Can I have my kiss now that we’re at the top?” He drew back to gaze at her, grinning at the look of fear and bewilderment in her eyes. If he didn’t know better, he’d think she hadn’t been kissed before.

  “Do I have to go on this thing again?” she asked suspiciously, not too proud to barter for a safer perch if necessary.

  “Guess that depends on the kiss,” he teased, leaning forward to brush his lips seductively over hers. Slowly, back and forth until the heat built and Hannah wasn’t certain if her stomach was dipping from his kiss or from the ride.

  “Jesse.” She drew back and laid a hand to his chest, more shaken than she could remember.

  “My turn, Uncle Jesse,” Riley said.

  “No, darlin’,” he said, turning to her with a smile. “It’s my turn.” He pointed a finger to his cheek. “Right here will be fine.” Riley leaned over and planted a loud kiss on his cheek, then blew it into a raspberry, making herself and Jesse giggle.

  “Your turn, Mama.”

  “What?” Hannah blinked at her daughter.

  “It’s your turn to kiss Uncle Jesse,” Riley said, reaching out to grab the handlebar. She wiggled it and the car tipped forward a bit, nearly making Hannah screech.

  “Riley, please,” Hannah said, pressing a hand to her tummy. “I’ll…I’ll kiss Uncle Jesse if you promise to sit still.” Hannah took a deep breath. “Perfectly still.”