Riley shrugged. “’Kay, Mama.”
Hannah fully intended to kiss his cheek, just as her daughter had, but at the last minute Jesse turned his head and her mouth caught his, just in the corner. It was like tasting only a tiny bit of forbidden fruit, making her long for a full, satisfying bite. Hannah did her best not to groan as Jesse’s arm tightened around her, bringing her close until her nipples hardened in response as he deepened the kiss. She could feel the soft, gentle touch of his tongue brushing against her lips, sending a hot, wicked thrill coursing through her.
Leaning into him, she clutched the front of his shirt, simply out of fear, she told herself, holding on to him in an effort to keep him close. When the ride jerked again as it started its descent downward—and backward—Hannah pulled back, breathless and stunned, to grip the handlebar for dear life.
“Uncle Jesse, do you like our town?” Riley asked.
Drawing both females closer to him, Jesse rested his head against Riley’s, as content as he could remember. “Well, darlin’, I reckon I do.”
“Lots?”
He laughed. Everything to this child was a degree of one extreme or the other. It totally amused him.
“Yes, darlin’, lots.” He glanced down at Hannah. “And I’m beginning to like it more and more.”
Delighted, Hannah lifted her head. “Does that mean—”
He cut her off with a quick kiss. “All that means is that I’m surely enjoying my time here.” He kissed her again, noting the disappointment in her eyes. “I’m here now, Hannah,” he said quietly. “Let’s just enjoy this moment, okay?”
Hannah simply stared at him for a moment, wondering how she was ever going to change his mind, get him to accept the Ryans as family and Saddle Falls as his home.
She didn’t know, but she realized she’d better figure out something, because she had a feeling time was running out.
Chapter Six
“Would you like something to drink, Jesse?” Hannah asked, sinking onto the front step of her porch next to him. They’d walked home from the carnival with Jesse carrying a sleeping Riley in his arms.
It was a wonderful feeling to have friends and neighbors, people she’d known her whole life—people who’d also known Jesse as a boy, and knew what had happened to him—stop and say hello or wave. It was one of the things she’d always loved about living in a small town.
“No, thanks. I had enough food and drink at the carnival to last me a week.” He chuckled, then patted his flat stomach. “I can’t imagine where Riley puts everything,” he said with a shake of his head, turning to look at Hannah. In the quiet darkness of the night, the nearest streetlight was at least a quarter of a mile away, so it was as if they were cocooned in their own private world. Other than the stars above and the soft yellow porch light, it was dark and quiet.
Hannah was sitting directly under the soft yellow light and it shadowed the planes and angles of her face, drifting over her mouth, highlighting how beautiful she was.
“I’d swear she has a hollow leg, as my mama would have said,” Jesse observed.
Hannah’s face sobered for a moment at the mention of his mother. “You mean Grace Garland?” she asked carefully, and he shook his head.
“No, darlin’,” he said with a smile, touching her hand. “I meant my mother. My real mother,” he said softly.
“Jesse, you remembered her?” Hannah asked in some surprise.
He blew out a breath and turned to look at the dark, quiet street. “Yeah. One night Jared and I were talking. It was late, after everyone had gone to bed.” He smiled, remembering their conversation as he turned to her again. “I’d been looking at some pictures in my room, pictures from when I was a kid.” He shook his head. “It brought back some memories I’d never realized I had until then.”
“That’s wonderful, Jesse,” she said, more than pleased. Day by day he seemed to be remembering more and more. Hopefully, in time, he’d be able to remember everything, including the fact that Saddle Falls was his home. And the Ryans were and always would be his family.
“Yeah, darlin’, I reckon it is.” He lifted her hand, brought it to his lips for a gentle kiss, then held on to it, linking his fingers through hers. He had strong, fine hands. Large and masculine with a rough hint of calluses. Working-man’s hands, she thought.
“Jesse?”
“Yeah, darlin’?”
With a yawn of contentment, Hannah stretched out her legs. “Riley had a wonderful time tonight.” She gave his hand a squeeze, aware of the way her pulse was scrambling. “Thank you.”
“For what?” he asked in surprised, skimming a finger across her chin to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
Hannah glanced away, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “For being so wonderful with her. To her.”
“Darlin’, she’s an incredible little girl.” He chuckled. “I can’t imagine anyone not being wonderful to her.” He studied Hannah’s face, aware of the pulsing need of desire that had been simmering between them the past week.
“You know, you’re going to make a wonderful father,” she said quietly, almost immediately regretting the comment the moment it was out, not wanting him to misinterpret it.
“Well, I reckon it’s no secret I love kids,” he said with a smile.
She cocked her head to look at him. The amber glow from the light glanced off his face, shadowing it in softness. “Jesse, how come you’re not married?” She’d been thinking about it, wondering about it, and just had never found the time to ask him.
He shrugged. “Guess I never found the right woman.” His gaze was steady on hers, and for a moment she wondered if he’d deliberately tightened his hand on hers. The look on his face made her heart flip over. “And if the truth be told, I reckon I haven’t had much time to look. It was always just me and Ma, and she wasn’t one for too much socializing. I’ve always been a loner, I guess, not comfortable around a lot of people, and we kept mostly to ourselves. Growing up, it never occurred to me that might be odd. Now, of course, I understand the reason for it, but at the time it just seemed normal. Then the older I got, the more responsibility I took on at the ranch until I was running it full-time, especially the past few years since college.” Jesse shrugged. “And you know how time-consuming running a ranch is. Then Ma got sick, and well…” His voice trailed off and he glanced at Hannah sheepishly, wondering how she’d react to him calling Grace his mother. Especially after just referring to Janice Ryan as his mother. Dragging his free hand through his hair, Jesse realized his emotions were still a tangled mess. “I guess because I’d always been such a loner, growing up and all, it was real hard for me to let people—”
“You mean women,” she interjected with a smile. He nodded, then grinned.
“Yeah, women close to me.” He shrugged again. “I was engaged once,” he admitted. “But I realized that I just couldn’t seem to unlock my emotions and let them go, not even with her. I knew then I couldn’t marry her, it wouldn’t be fair or right.”
“What happened?” Hannah asked quietly, aching for Jesse and wondering how much of his blocked and locked emotions had to do with what had happened to him when he was five.
“I told her the truth.” His smile was wan. “She was not a happy camper, I’ll tell you that, but in the end I guess she realized it was for the best as well. She knew I was emotionally closed, or as she called it, ‘emotionally vacant,’ and for the life of me I couldn’t convince her it wasn’t her. It was me.” He turned to Hannah, a look of confusion on his face. “I don’t know why, Hannah. Truly. It’s just something inside me that locks up my emotions and I just can’t let them go, can’t seem to let people get close to me, nor can I let myself go and just…feel something deep for someone.”
“Jesse,” she began carefully, her heart aching for him. “Did you ever consider that maybe that was a result of what happened to you? The trauma of being torn from your family, your home and everything that was familiar when you were such a young
boy?”
“It occurred to me,” he admitted. “The last few months at least. But you’ve got to remember, for most of my life I wasn’t even aware that I’d been kidnapped. Or that Grace Garland wasn’t my mother, my family. Or that I was someone else. So how would I be able to equate the two?”
“You’re right,” Hannah said with an understanding smile. No wonder he’d never been able to examine what might have been the cause for his emotional cautiousness. “So you never got involved with anyone else?”
He chuckled. “Now, I didn’t say that. I’m not a saint, Hannah, I like women as well as the next guy, but from that point on I made sure I didn’t let anyone think that I was ready to make any kind of emotional commitment. I told you, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” He shrugged. “I just figured it was something inside me that wouldn’t allow me to let people close.”
“Now you know differently?” she asked quietly.
“I’m not sure,” he admitted honestly, knowing he’d let her and Riley closer than he’d ever let any woman—women—before. But for some reason it seemed perfectly natural, even normal. Certainly not something he was concerned about. Perhaps it was because Hannah was such an important part of his past, he reasoned. And she was familiar and comfortable.
“Since all this happened, Grace’s death, finding out about Tommy and the Ryans and everything else has been an emotional upheaval unlike anything I’ve ever known. So I can’t rightly say that it’s changed anything inside me because I honestly don’t know yet.” He smiled. “It hasn’t been put to the test so to speak.” He may recognize that he’d let Hannah and Riley close to him, but admitting it to her was not something he was comfortable with yet. It wasn’t anything he’d ever experienced before. And until he understood it himself, he wasn’t about to admit it.
On some deep level it frightened him as nothing else had. He had promised himself he’d remain detached while he was here in Saddle Falls. Detached and unemotional. He didn’t plan on being here long and there was no point in getting involved with people who weren’t going to be a part of his life.
So he wasn’t quite ready to examine his feelings or the emotional attachment that had grown for Hannah and Riley. If he ignored it, then he didn’t have to try to understand it. And right now when he was trying to understand so many things, he wasn’t certain he could handle another.
Hannah nodded, wondering why his words made her so sad. He basically had just admitted that he couldn’t get emotionally involved or attached to anyone. And that did not bode well for Tommy or the Ryans, she realized.
Or for her and Riley, her mind whispered.
“Now what about you, darlin’?” He released her hand and draped an arm around her shoulder, drawing her close so she was leaning against him. “How come you never married?”
Still thinking about his emotional temperature, she glanced up at him sharply. “How do you know I was never married?” she asked with a decided scowl.
“Tommy,” he said simply, then grinned. “I’ve done my fair share of asking questions, Hannah.” He lifted a hand in the air in a defensive gesture at the look on her face. “Hey, I’m trying to piece together my past and I can’t do that without asking questions.”
She understood that, but wasn’t certain she liked the idea of him asking questions about her past.
“So, will you tell me about Riley’s father?” He had to admit he had wondered about the man. Wondered how the man could walk away from his own child or let Hannah raise Riley alone.
In the week since he’d been here, he’d seen no evidence of a male presence in Riley’s life. Or Hannah’s, for that matter. Nor any evidence of family.
She turned to look at him, stunned by the question. “Why?” She rarely looked back. There was no point in regrets or recriminations. She tried to look only at the positive side. She had Riley, and that was all that mattered.
“Because I’d like to know.” Gently, he laid a hand to her cheek. “It’s important to me, Hannah. Truly.” He hesitated. “I want to know who put that fear in your eyes. I want to know who made you feel as if you weren’t safe with a man.”
Perhaps it was the way he said it or the way he looked at her that made the locks she kept around the memories come tumbling open and she found that she wanted to tell him, to confide in him.
It had been so long since she’d had another adult to talk to, to confide in, to pour out her heart to, especially a man her own age. She had Tommy of course, but she couldn’t and wouldn’t tell him of the pain she carried in her heart because of her parents.
No, she realized immediately, laying her head down on the soft curve of his shoulder and taking a deep breath. She’d never had a man as a confidant. Except for Jesse when they were children. With that reassuring thought, Hannah took a deep breath and decided to start slowly.
“Riley’s father…well, I guess I’d better start at the beginning.” She had to take another deep breath for courage and plunged in. “You said you don’t remember much about my parents.”
“Right, I don’t.”
“Well, like Tommy, they settled in Saddle Falls when the town was still young. They made quite a fortune for themselves early on, even before my sister or I were born. My parents, unlike Tommy, weren’t in the least bit interested in family.” She hadn’t realized how bitter her voice had become or how painful the memory still was even after all these years. “They didn’t have time for either me or my sister. I rarely saw them, Jesse, and I certainly didn’t have any kind of home life like all of you Ryans. Me and my sister were left with nannies or nurses while my parents went gallivanting all around the world, enjoying their fortune and impressing their friends.”
“And ignoring their children?” Jesse interjected quietly, feeling his guts twist in discomfort at the thought of Hannah being a young girl left alone with strangers. No wonder she had such wariness and fear in her eyes. No wonder she felt so strongly about family.
“That’s about it,” Hannah admitted, forcing a smile though her lips were trembling. “That’s why I was always at your house. I loved anything to do with family. And I was so jealous and envious of the home and family life you had, Jesse.” She had to swallow the lump in her throat for the shame she always felt for her jealousy. “My father had had a few business dealings early on with Tommy, and he’d asked Tommy to be my godfather.” She grinned. “He agreed, which was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” This time her smile was real and genuine when she lifted her head to look at him, her gaze steady on his. “Tommy was—is—the most wonderful, loving man I’ve ever met. Totally devoted to his family. And more importantly, he always considered me part of the family and included me in everything. My sister as well, but she wasn’t very interested in family, at least not the way I was.” Hannah shook her head. “I don’t know what I would have done without him. He was the only security I had through my entire childhood.”
Feeling his heart ache for the loneliness she must have felt as a child, Jesse kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry, darlin’.”
Absently, she blinked away a tear. “That’s why you and I were so close as kids, Jesse. I was always at your house. My sister never wanted me tagging around with her. We weren’t close.” She shrugged. “We were the same age, and even though you had your brothers, because they were older than you, they often did things that you couldn’t.”
“Like having a sleepover at Luke’s,” he said quietly, remembering the night he’d been kidnapped.
“Yeah,” she replied softly. “So while you were close to your brothers, you and I were also close.”
He nodded, understanding now why, from the moment he’d arrived in Saddle Falls and driven down Hannah’s street and seen her house, there was something special about it and her.
“I wanted a family of my own so bad, Jesse. I didn’t care about material things or wealth. I never wanted to be like my parents. People were important to me, not things.” She had to take a breath, then b
rushed a wayward strand of hair from her face from a quick kick of breeze that whispered through the darkness. “Anyway, when I was eighteen and right out of high school, my parents were staying in a villa in Europe for the summer. As a graduation present, they sent me a telegram and invited me for the summer.”
“Didn’t they come to your graduation?” he asked in quiet surprise.
She shook her head. “No, Jesse. The only people at my graduation were the Ryans.” She smiled in remembrance. “Tommy had a huge party for me. It was wonderful,” she admitted. “And to tell you the truth, by that time I’d long given up hope of my parents ever changing, so it wasn’t that big of a surprise.”
Now he understood why she was so loyal and loving toward Tommy and all the Ryans. They were the family she’d never had but always wanted. “So did you go to Europe for the summer?”
She nodded. “My sister, who is five years older, had moved to Europe right after she graduated. She was engaged to some wealthy European and had quickly fit into my parents’ lifestyle.”
“But you didn’t?”
Hannah laughed, but the sound was bitter. “I hated it,” she admitted. “I love Saddle Falls, love the fact that I know everyone and everyone knows me. I hate parties and all that fancy socializing. It’s just not me. I’m a small-town girl with small-town values. Home. Hearth. Family. That’s all that’s every mattered to me. Maybe because I never had it.” She hesitated. “Anyway, during that summer I met a man who had been a business acquaintance of my father’s. I thought he understood that I was not anything like my parents, that I wanted a different kind of life, and more than anything else a family.” Her voice had grown cool and distant. “I thought he wanted the same things.”
“Did he tell you that?” Jesse asked quietly, trying to understand.
“Yes,” she admitted. “And I was young and wildly in love for the first time in my life. It never occurred to me that he would deceive me or lie to me.”
A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) Page 12
