“But he did?” Jesse asked, appalled that someone could be deliberately deceitful or cruel to Hannah.
She didn’t answer but continued. “When I found out I was pregnant with Riley, I was so thrilled, Jesse.” Hannah’s voice went soft and wistful at the memory. “It was the happiest day of my life. I thought I was finally going to have the kind of family and family life I’d always wanted. I couldn’t wait to tell Riley’s father.” Her voice changed so abruptly, he frowned.
“What happened, darlin’?” Jesse asked softly, feeling her entire body tense against him. Instinctively, he pulled her closer.
“He neglected to mention the fact that he was already married.”
“What!” Jesse’s eyebrows drew together and his free hand fisted in anger and frustration.
“He was already married and already had a family.” She tried to smile but found she couldn’t. The shame of being so naive, and contributing to the pain of another woman and family had never really left her. It was something she’d had to learn to live with. “And he sure didn’t want another family since he wasn’t particularly loving or faithful to the family he already had.”
“Oh, darlin’.” Jesse gathered her stiff body close to him, giving in to the urge to comfort, to care, gently sliding his hands up and down her back, feeling the warmth of her body heat beneath the thin cotton shirt she wore. The need that pulsed seemed to increase in tempo, becoming less lazy, a bit more urgent.
With a sniffle, Hannah cursed her emotions and vowed to get through the rest of her past without feeling sorry for herself.
It had taken her a long time to forgive herself, but now she finally had. Forgiven herself for wanting, yearning, longing for something she’d wanted for so very long, she allowed her emotions to overrule her common sense.
She imagined she wasn’t the first woman to be fooled by a man she loved—and she probably wasn’t the last.
With another sniffle, she went on. “Anyway, when I told him I was expecting, he was horrified. He wanted me to get rid of Riley. He didn’t want my parents to know we’d been involved. He didn’t want another child nor did he plan on divorcing his wife, who it turned out was the one who had the money that financed his lifestyle.”
“But you didn’t,” Jesse said in admiration, trying to hide the intensity of feelings her words had aroused. He would be very happy for about ten minutes alone with the guy who’d done this to Hannah. And to Riley. Ten minutes would be more than enough to teach the man a thing or two about taking advantage of, using, and then discarding women.
“Absolutely not.” With a fierceness that no longer surprised him, Hannah shook her head. “I wasn’t about to destroy my own child, a child I desperately wanted and loved from the moment she was conceived.”
He chuckled. “And you think you had to tell me that?” he asked with a smile and a shake of his head. “All anyone has to do is look at you when Riley’s around and they can see the pride and joy on your face.”
Hannah grinned, unashamed of the love and pride she’d always had in her precious daughter. “She is my pride and my joy, Jesse. She always has been.”
“As she should be.” Jesse was thoughtful for a moment. “Hannah, why didn’t your parents do something?”
“They did,” she admitted with a wan smile. “They disowned me.”
“Excuse me?” Scowling, Jesse was certain he’d heard her wrong. “What do you mean they disowned you?” he asked, trying to make sense of this.
Hannah shrugged. “When I told my parents I was expecting, they were appalled. Their youngest daughter was nineteen, unwed and about to become a mother. It certainly didn’t fit in with the plans they’d had. I had become an embarrassing problem to them. I honestly don’t think they were as worried about me as they were about what their high-society friends would say.” Hannah shrugged, remembering the pain and fear she had experienced at the time, knowing she was all alone and on her own and about to become a mother. Her unmitigated joy had almost overshadowed her fear. Almost. “My parents told me to either get rid of the child, marry the father or they’d disown me.” She moved her shoulders restlessly. “My father was apparently involved in some high-profile international merger at the time with a lot of very socially prominent people and it was clear they wanted to present a picture-perfect family.” She gave a brittle laugh. “It’s funny. Not once did they ask me if I wanted the baby. Or if I loved or wanted to marry the father.” She pushed her hair off her face. “That apparently was secondary to their needs.”
Tension coiled through him and Jesse’s eyebrows drew together. “And did you happen to mention to them that this creep was already married?”
“No.” She hesitated a moment, wondering if he’d be able to understand. “I was far too proud to tell my parents what a fool I’d been because I knew that they’d just find fault with me and insist that I get rid of my baby. Getting pregnant while unmarried was one thing, getting pregnant by a man already married, well…” Her voice trailed off and instinctively she placed a hand on her stomach, remembering the joy she felt when Riley was growing within her.
“So you never told them the truth about Riley’s father?” he asked quietly, aching for the pain and fear she must have had at a time when she’d probably desperately needed love and support.
She shook her head. “There was no point. I wasn’t going to marry him and I wasn’t going to get rid of my baby.” She shrugged. “So I came home and gave birth to Riley alone.”
“Your parents didn’t relent? Didn’t help you?” Jesse couldn’t prevent his own anger from seeping into his words. But he simply couldn’t imagine parents abandoning their own daughter like that.
She laughed, but the sound was bitter. “Not one whit,” she said quietly. “I shamed them and embarrassed them in front of their friends and I completely rejected their lifestyle. To say nothing of the fact that I refused to tell them who the father was. I wanted nothing more than to come back home to Saddle Falls and make a life here.” With a smile of pleasure and contentment she glanced around in the darkness. She knew every tree, every sound, every home in town. There was a comfort and security about Saddle Falls that never failed to soothe her. “I had no intention of spending my life flitting to party after party while leaving my child alone to be raised by someone else.” She studied his face, then shook her head, the sadness clearly etched in her face. “And Jesse, to be honest, I was furious with them. I never understood how that beautiful little girl sleeping upstairs in her bedroom could be looked at as anybody’s shame.”
“I agree, darlin’,” Jesse said, realizing Hannah and Riley were probably better off without her family. “She is a wonderful child, darlin’, one anyone would be proud to claim as their own.”
“They never even saw Riley,” Hannah continued softly. “My parents were killed in a boating accident when Riley was just six months old. They left everything to my sister.” Hannah glanced up at the old house she’d grown up in with affection. “Except for this house. I don’t know why, but they left this house in trust for Riley.” Hannah shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe it was their way of making up for what they’d done.” Hannah smiled. “See, in their minds, even as a final act, they thought leaving their grandchild a thing, a possession, was important. It would have been a lot more important for Riley to have had her grandparents’ love.”
“Darlin’, from what I can tell, Riley hasn’t suffered any. You’ve done a wonderful job with her. She’s a loving, caring little girl, and you should be mighty proud of her. And of yourself,” he added. “It couldn’t have been easy for you these past five years, being all alone, no support of any kind, neither financially nor from your family.”
Her chin lifted in that stubborn way he’d come to know. “I didn’t want my parents’ help, Jesse, not as long as they looked at Riley as something to be ashamed of. I’d just as soon take care of her myself, and I have.”
She didn’t and couldn’t tell him of the countless nights she’d lai
n awake worrying how she was going to put food on the table or gas in the car. Or pay the electricity bill that month.
She’d worked two jobs for as long as she could remember. A regular full-time day job at an office in town, putting Riley in day care. And then another job on weekends at the bookstore in town. In addition to the stress involved in working so much, she’d also missed her daughter desperately, and hated having to leave her. Which was why this job with Tommy was such a blessing.
It was one job that paid more than enough to support them comfortably and she could take Riley with her, where she would be engulfed in a family atmosphere.
Her gratitude and her love toward Tommy knew no bounds.
Forcing a smile, Hannah lifted her head and looked at him. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Jesse. I appreciate the fact that Riley and I have been able to live here basically for free for the past five years—except for the horrendous maintenance costs.” Hannah shrugged. “But I do what I can, when I can.”
Jesse glanced up at the old house now, quickly appraising it. In addition to the creaking back porch, the windows needed resealing, the entire building needed scraping and painting, the gutters needed to be cleaned and the front porch could do with a little work. “Do you mean to tell me you do all the maintenance on this big old house yourself?”
She laughed. “Jesse, I’m a single mother and single mothers do everything themselves.”
He frowned. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly, thinking about Grace Garland and how she always did twice as much work as everyone else and still always had time for him.
He glanced at Hannah and realized that like Grace she loved her child and wanted to give her the best life she could. As Grace had done, he thought, watching Hannah in admiration.
Her skin gleamed under the soft porch light, filtering over the blond strands of her hair, making them glitter like flecks of gold. She was still looking at the house that she finally thought of as a home.
“I know I haven’t done a very good job of keeping the place up, but I do the best I can when I have the time and the funds. Both of which are rare commodities in a single mother’s life,” she added with a chuckle.
“Hannah-Anna,” he said quietly, tightening his arm around her and drawing her even closer. “You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”
Embarrassed, she laughed. “I don’t think I’m all that special, Jesse. Honestly. There are millions of single mothers all over the world raising and taking care of their children, working and living and going about their business.” She shrugged. “And doing a fine job of it.”
“That doesn’t make you any less incredible.” He hesitated, watching the light play over her face in shadows. “And there’s never been anyone since Riley’s father?”
Hannah laughed, then shook her head. “No Jesse, no one.” She wasn’t certain she could explain this, at least not so it made sense. “It’s very hard to be a single parent, Jesse. You always have to put your child’s needs, wants and desires first, as it should be. I never, ever wanted to subject Riley to possibly being rejected by another man.” She shook her head. “That’s far too painful, especially after being rejected by her own father.”
“I understand,” he said carefully. “But what about you? You’re a young woman, Hannah. Surely you must have thought about getting married. Or having more children.” She was a natural mother. It would be a shame for her not to be able to share all the love she had with a husband and more children, particularly considering how much family meant to her.
She let loose a little sigh. “I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’ve always wanted more children.” She laughed. “Believe it or not, I’d always wanted six. But Jesse, to be honest, I don’t have time for a relationship. Riley gets and deserves all of my time. She’s my first priority. And after that there are all my other responsibilities. My job. This house.” She shrugged. “I just don’t have time for a man or a relationship.”
Watching her, he saw the wariness in her eyes again and knew she wasn’t telling him the whole truth. There was much more here than her responsibilities to her daughter and the rest of it. Much more. “Earlier tonight you said you’d never felt safe with a man. I think now I understand.”
She nodded, not knowing what to say. It was the truth, so she felt silly apologizing for it.
“After what you’ve been through I can understand your feelings, Hannah. And,” he continued, deliberately gentling his voice, “I would also understand it if you felt like you couldn’t trust anyone.” He blew out a breath, wondering if he was talking about her or himself. “After I first found out that Grace had lied to me, I was devastated. I always thought she was an honorable person, a person of courage and character. And I trusted her implicitly. After her confession, well, darlin’, I have to admit, it sort of took away my ability to trust.” He shrugged, his large shoulders moving beneath his shirt. “If you can’t trust your mother to be honest with you, well, then…” He shook his head. “I didn’t know that I’d ever be able to trust anyone again. I guess that was part of why I didn’t really want to come here.”
“Jesse.” She laid a hand on his chest and met his gaze. He was so close she could see her own reflection in his eyes. “I think that’s perfectly understandable after what you’ve been through. But I think you just need to give yourself some time.” She smiled at him. “I think if you do, you’re going to find that there isn’t a family on this planet more worthy of your trust and your love than the Ryans.”
He nodded, knowing he wasn’t quite ready to talk about this. Not with anyone. Not until he had time to sort out all the feelings and emotions, as well as the memories, that had surfaced the past week. He’d deliberately avoided thinking about everything because whenever he tried to, he was simply, utterly overwhelmed.
Once he was back home in Texas, on familiar ground, he figured he’d be able to sort things out a lot better, and hopefully come to some resolution he could live with.
“Jesse, just give it time.”
“I don’t have all that much time,” he reminded her, making her frown. “But while I am here, Hannah, I appreciate you sharing part of your life and your wonderful daughter with me.” It was as sincere a statement as he’d ever made, making him wonder why it seemed so easy to be emotionally open with Hannah. Perhaps it was simply because of their past, shared history.
She had been the first thing he’d remembered. Clearly, she’d been important to him—very important to him—at one time in his life.
In Jesse Ryan’s life, he corrected, instantly regretting the thought for it brought back all the emotional turmoil that had dogged him for so long.
And after such a wonderful day and evening, he didn’t want to spoil it.
His gaze fastened on her mouth and he saw her eyes widen a fraction of a moment before he bent his head and covered her mouth with his.
He felt the jolt of raw desire like a fist to the gut, and tightened his arm around her, dragging her close until the soft warmth of her body was pressed tightly against his.
On a gasp, Hannah’s hands went to his chest. She was going to push him away. Going to tell him they couldn’t keep doing this. It wasn’t good for either of them and it was far too confusing for her.
She was going to tell him. She was sure of it. But her hands slid from his chest around his neck, clinging to him as he deepened the kiss until her head was spinning and her heart thumping.
She moaned softly as he traced her lips with his tongue in a teasing, caressing manner that had her arching against him, silently pleading for more.
Lost in the moment, drowning in her taste, her scent, her touch, Jesse heard the warning echo in his mind. This wasn’t a woman to toy with. He’d made her a promise; she’d always be safe with him. And he would honor that promise, especially now that he knew what she’d been through.
He had to remain detached, unemotional. He wasn’t staying. He only came to fulfill a deathbed promise.
He
had to find his way back…home.
He heard the warning ringing soundly in his mind, but the pleasure, need and desire for her smothered them as he held Hannah tighter, wanting, needing, aching for more.
Chapter Seven
“Riley? What on earth are you doing?” Hannah asked with a frown, several mornings later. Hannah glanced up from the checkbook she was trying to balance, to stare at the ceiling.
Riley’s bedroom was right over the kitchen table, so every noise, every sound reverberated through the floorboards. Riley was supposed to be cleaning her room, but it sounded as if she was detonating bombs.
“Riley?” Hannah called again, frowning and wondering if she should go investigate. She glanced down at her checkbook, torn. Balancing it was a chore she put off as long as she could because it usually took so much juggling and worrying to get everything paid and the balance…balanced. But now that she had a paycheck that covered all the necessities and a little extra for luxuries, she found it wasn’t as daunting a task as before. Still, she didn’t like to let it go. She always had to make sure she knew and accounted for every penny to prevent any catastrophes, at least of the financial kind.
“Mama,” Riley said a little breathlessly as she came dashing into the room. “I can’t find my blue hair ribbons.” In her excitement, Riley was almost bouncing out of her shoes. “I have to find my hair ribbons.”
Hannah grinned at her daughter. Riley had on a pair of brand-new white tights she’d bought her for the start of school, except her daughter had obviously put them on in a hurry because they were twisted around her knees and sagging at the ankles.
Riley had on one of her new black patent-leather school shoes. The other foot was snuggled into her comfortable old tennis shoe. Her hair was flying loose and her glasses were clouded and slightly askew as well. Hannah pretended not to notice.
“Sweetheart, your blue hair ribbons are on your dresser.” She reached out and brushed several golden locks from her daughter’s face. “Remember last week when we went shopping for your school clothes? You wore them, and then we put them on your little ribbon stand on the dresser.”
A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) Page 13
