1979 - You Must Be Kidding

by James Hadley Chase

  Kendriek watched. Could this be a sale? Admittedly the original pendant had been worn by Suleiman the Great.

  Kendriek had seen coloured drawings of it, and in an inspired moment, he had got his best silversmith to copy it.

  The copy had cost three thousand dollars. The rubies and emeralds were clever fakes.

  Crispin pressed the ruby and the blade sprang out.

  ‘Pray be careful, Mr. Gregg,’ Kendriek said, his voice anxious. ‘The blade is incredibly sharp.’

  Crispin lifted the pendant, letting the sunlight, coming through the big window, play on the blade. Again he felt a sexual urge run through him. Then nodding to himself, he pressed the emerald button and the blade snapped out of sight.

  He turned and stared at Kendriek. There was a strange expression on his face that Kendriek couldn’t define, but which made him uneasy.

  ‘I’ll take it at forty thousand,’ Crispin said. ‘Bill me,’ and he walked down the aisle and out onto the street, the pendant bouncing gently on his chest.

  Louis, watching discreetly, came forward.

  ‘That was truly marvellous!’ he gushed. ‘You are the most marvellous salesman!’

  ‘There’s something about that man. . .’ Kendriek began, then shrugged. He had made a thirty seven thousand dollar profit, so why should he worry about Crispin Gregg? ‘This afternoon, Louis, go to Mr. Gregg’s place and collect one of his paintings. We will exhibit it. Although I have little confidence in Lowenstein’s opinions, we have to bear in mind that he considers Mr. Gregg’s work of no commercial value. Let us see for ourselves. At least, Mr. Gregg has become a client.’

  Then still not able to shake off his uneasiness from that strange, almost frightening expression he had seen on Crispin’s face, he walked heavily back to his reception room.

  * * *

  After one hundred and seventy seven telephone calls and eighteen visits to the squad room, the citizens of Paradise City abruptly lost interest in the golf ball jacket, but they had supplied information that had to be written down and collated.

  On this sunny morning at 08.00, Lepski, Jacoby and Dusty Lucas toiled at their desks.

  Lepski had returned home the previous night after 01.00. He had found his living room in a shambles. His bottle of Cutty Sark stood empty on the table. There were used glasses, overflowing ashtrays and it would seem, from the debris, Carroll had provided her guests with snacks.

  He had gone up to bed to find Carroll asleep. From the soft whistling noise coming from her, he judged she was in an alcoholic stupor. Depressed by the T.V. fiasco, he had flopped into bed by her side, and finally slept. She was still sleeping when he dragged himself from the bed, showered, dressed and drove down to headquarters by 07.30.

  Jacoby and Dusty joined him, and they set about reading the mass of reports the T.V. inquiry about the golf ball jacket had produced.

  Finally, around 10.00, they had completed their reading and the information added up to nil, They had accurate descriptions of Ken Brandon, Harry Bentley and Sam Macree: all men seen wearing the jacket by conscientious citizens, but there was no information about the fourth jacket, once owned by the late Cyrus Gregg, and that was the information they so badly wanted.

  Lepski pushed back his chair and released a snort of disgust that made both Jacoby and Dusty pause in their work.

  ‘Not a goddamn thing!’ Lepski exploded. ‘You two got anything?’

  They shook their head.

  ‘Okay. Dusty, go talk to those two S.A. collectors. Put pressure on them. One or the other could be lying.’

  Lucas, an eager beaver, nodded and took himself off.

  Lepski leaned back in his chair. There was a nagging thought at the back of his mind that had nothing to do with police work. Next month would bring Carroll’s birthday, and he couldn’t remember the exact date. This fact had been bothering him for days. He wanted to buy her a present. He wanted to give her the present on the right day. He knew he would be in the doghouse for weeks if he didn’t come up, not only with the right date, but also, with the right present. This was something he had to avoid.

  Vaguely, he remembered last year, he had taken Carroll to an expensive restaurant. Maybe the Maître d’ could give him the date. Then he realized he couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant. He thumped his fist on his desk with exasperation.

  ‘Got something on your mind, Tom?’ Jacoby asked, recognizing the signs.

  ‘Yeah. God help me, I’m trying to remember the date of Carroll’s birthday.’

  ‘The day after tomorrow,’ Jacoby said without hesitation.

  Lepski half started from his chair, his eyes bulging.

  ‘You must be kidding! It’s next month!’

  ‘The day after tomorrow: the tenth,’ Jacoby said. ‘I keep a birthday book.’

  ‘A—what?’

  ‘We Jewish people are sentimental,’ Jacoby said, smiling. ‘I know we are known to be mean, but we are sentimental. My father kept a birthday book. He liked to send friends a card or a present. I keep a birthday book. Carroll is a friend. I’ve already bought her a bottle of perfume. It will be delivered the day after tomorrow.’

  Lepski sucked in his breath.

  ‘You really mean it’s on the tenth?’

  ‘That’s it.’

  ‘Holy God!’ Lepski’s hands turned clammy. ‘I could have sworn it was next month! Perfume, huh? You’re sending her perfume?’

  ‘Well, I thought a wonderful girl like Carroll would like some perfume.’

  ‘Yeah . . . yeah.’ Lepski loosened his tie. ‘What the hell can I give her?’

  Jacoby, who wasn’t married, but had a string of girlfriends, hid a grin.

  ‘Just look around, Tom. Girls like presents.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Lepski stared into space. ‘But what the hell what?’

  ‘A handbag. A dress. Jewels. Depends on how much you want to spend.’

  ‘It’s not how much I want to spend: it’s how much I can afford to spend,’ Lepski said. ‘A handbag, huh? That’s an idea. Yeah. I’ll give her a handbag.’

  A voice said, ‘If you two will stop yakking, can I have some attention?’ A female voice, soft, sensual: a creamy voice.

  Both detectives swung around and stared.

  Standing at the barrier that divided the Detectives’ room from the visitors was a coloured girl, and what a girl!

  Both Lepski and Jacoby pointed like gun dogs, then Lepski came fast to the barrier.

  The girl was the colour of coffee, gently diluted with cream. She was tall and willowy. She wore close fitting white cotton slacks and a close fitting blood red jersey top.

  What this outfit did to her made Lepski breath heavily through his nose. He hadn’t seen a more perfect woman’s body! Big, half pineapple shaped breasts, a tiny waist, a voluptuous sweep of hips, long legs. Her features were sensual: a short, thin nose with slightly flared nostrils, big black eyes that glittered with life, and full lips that suggested untold promises. Some girl!

  ‘Yes, miss?’ Lepski said, looking into the black eyes and feeling his blood move down to where it shouldn’t have moved down—being a married man.

  ‘I’ve come about this jacket I saw on the telly last night,’ the girl said. Her voice reminded Lepski of Mae West’s in an old movie he had seen, murmuring ‘Come up and see me sometime.’

  He opened the gate of the barrier.

  ‘Come on in,’ he said, aware that Jacoby was leaning over his desk, staring. ‘Have a seat.’

  She moved by him. Her body flowed. Her breasts did a tiny jig. Following her, Lepski watched the movement of her hips. She sat in a chair opposite Lepski’s desk, opened her handbag and took from it a pack of Camels. Lepski searched through his pockets for a match, but she had already lit the cigarette with a solid gold lighter before he had found his matchbook.

  He sat down and restrained a leer. He knew instinctively that this girl knew all the answers, and a detective, although first grade, was small fry to her, but
that didn’t stop him from eyeing those beautiful breasts, scarcely concealed by the jersey top.

  ‘May I have your name, miss?’ he asked and drew a scratch pad towards him.

  ‘Doroles Hernandez. I live in apartment 165 Castle Avenue. My mother got screwed by a Spanish creep who ran a factory, and I was the product. I kept his name.’ She gave Lepski a brilliant smile, revealing perfect white teeth. ‘Just the background, Mr. Detective. Do you want more?’

  Lepski whistled through his nose. He knew all about Castle Avenue: that was where the expensive hookers lived. So she was a hooker! Boy! He thought, if I wasn’t married and five years younger, I’d be up there at apartment 165 Castle Avenue, like a lizard after a fly!

  ‘You have information, Miss Hernandez,’ he asked in a carefully controlled voice.

  ‘Maybe . . . maybe not. I had a stand-up last night. The guy was sick or something,’ Doroles said, ‘so I put on the telly. I don’t usually look at the telly. It’s a drag, you know?’

  ‘Yeah. So you looked at the telly and saw the jacket . . . right?’ Lepski said, trying to keep his mind off those provocative breasts and on the work in hand.

  ‘That’s it.’ She gave him a sexy smile that almost destroyed his better feelings. ‘There I was all alone, with a gin martini for company. . .’ She paused and regarded him with her big, black eyes. ‘I bet you prefer Scotch, Mr. Detective.’

  Lepski, who was now wondering just how marvellous she would look without clothes, started.

  ‘Yeah. So there you were alone and you saw the jacket?’

  ‘Yes. As soon as I saw it, I remembered.’ She turned her head and caught Jacoby leaning across his desk, breathing heavily, as he gaped at her. ‘Is he a detective?’ she asked. ‘He looks cute.’

  ‘His mother thought so,’ Lepski growled. ‘Let’s work on this, Miss Hernandez. You saw the jacket and you remembered. What did you remember?’

  ‘Call me Doroles.’ This in the Mae West voice.

  Lepski was thankful the desk hid what was now happening to his lower section.

  ‘Yeah. Well, Doroles . . . what did you remember?’

  ‘I remembered seeing the jacket. I thought it was pretty sharp, you know? A real eye catcher.’

  ‘When did you see the jacket?’

  ‘When?’ She moved in the chair and her breasts did a little dance which was appreciated both by Lepski and Jacoby. ‘It was on the fifth.’

  Lepski stiffened to attention. On the evening of the fifth, Janie Bandler had been murdered.

  ‘Are you sure about the date, Doroles? This is important.’

  ‘I’m sure. I’ll tell you for why. It’s Jamie’s birthday. Jamie is my dog. I took him to the Blue Sky restaurant. The Maître d’ loves Jamie. Do you like dogs, Mr. Detective?’

  Lepski suppressed a growling noise. He hated dogs.

  ‘So you took your dog out. What time was this?’

  ‘Lunchtime. I’m crazy about Jamie. He’s my best friend, you know? When I come home tired, he’s there waiting for me. He jumps all over me. He’s really sweet.’

  Lepski snapped the pencil he was holding.

  ‘You were walking your dog? So what happened?’

  She made a little grimace.

  ‘Well, this guy came up to me. Guys are always coming up to me, you know?’

  Lepski could imagine. If he hadn’t been married, he would have gone up to her.

  ‘And this guy was wearing the golf ball jacket?’

  She stubbed out her cigarette, and immediately lit another.

  ‘I can’t stop,’ she said, and her sensual lips parted in a smile. ‘I guess I’m nervous or something. Do you think all this crap about cigarettes being dangerous is right?’

  ‘Maybe. You were saying this guy came up to you,’ Lepski said. If it had been anyone but this gorgeous sex symbol, he would have been shouting by now. As it was, his face turned a dark hue.

  ‘A cheapie.’

  ‘Was he wearing the jacket?’ Lepski hissed.

  Her big eyes opened wide.

  ‘Why, no. He was wearing a sharkskin brown . . . strictly for the birds.’

  Lepski snapped another pencil.

  ‘We’re talking about this godda . . . we’re talking about this golf ball jacket.’

  She gave him another smile that went right down to his heels.

  ‘You can swear if you want to Mr. Detective. I don’t mind. Lots of my men friends swear. Men do, you know?’

  Lepski dug his fingers into the surface of his desk.

  ‘So what about the jacket?’

  ‘Well, this cheapie was chatting me up. He was offering fifty. Can you imagine?’ She leaned back and laughed.

  She had a nice, sexy laugh, but by now, Lepski was fast losing patience. ‘Jamie wanted to visit a tree, then this jacket went by. As soon as I saw it, I thought it was real sharp. I like to see men well dressed. A man who cares about how he looks is the kind of man I like.’

  ‘Yeah. So you saw the jacket pass . . . who was wearing it?’

  ‘A tall, doll of a man, you know?’

  Lepski reached for his scratch pad.

  ‘Tell me about him, Doroles. Give me a description.’

  She stubbed out her cigarette and lit another.

  ‘I didn’t see his face, Mr. Detective. What with this cheapie and Jamie wanting to get to a tree, you know?’

  Lepski refrained from crumpling up the pad and throwing it across the room.

  ‘Let’s take this step by step,’ he said in a low, strangulated voice. ‘A man walked by, and you saw he was wearing the golf ball jacket . . . right?’

  ‘That’s absolutely correct.’

  ‘This was around lunchtime of the fifth?’

  She nodded.

  ‘You didn’t see this man’s face, but you saw something of him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Okay. This is important, Doroles. Was he tall, medium, short?’

  ‘He was tall. I like tall men. Short men, to me, are a drag, you know?’

  ‘So he was tall.’ Lepski stood up. ‘As tall as I am?’

  She surveyed him as a butcher surveys a prime side of beef.

  ‘Even taller: not much, but taller.’

  Lepski sat down again.

  ‘Was he heavily built, thin, normal, fat?’

  ‘He had wide shoulders. I noticed that. I like men with wide shoulders, tapering away to slim hips. He had that.’

  ‘Did he wear a hat?’

  ‘No. I liked the look of his hair: fair, you know? Really fair: call it corn and cut close. I get bored with guys with long hair.’

  ‘Doroles, you saw a man with corn coloured hair, tall, broad shouldered and around six foot tall . . . right?’

  ‘Absolutely correct, Mr. Detective.’

  ‘What else did you notice about him?’

  ‘He was wearing light blue slacks. They went well with the jacket, you know? And he wore Gucci shoes. I notice shoes, and I think Gucci’s shoes are a real ball.’ She again shifted, and her breasts again did a little jig.

  Lepski released a soft sigh. It wasn’t fair for any detective to talk to her, he thought.

  ‘How did he walk?’

  ‘Well, he walked, you know? Like a man who knows where he is going . . . big strides.’

  ‘He didn’t limp?’

  ‘Oh, no.’

  ‘Doroles, this is important. This is the first lead we have to the man who killed Janie Bandler and Lu Boone. You’ve read about that, huh?’

  ‘That’s why I’m here. I always listen to Pete Hamilton when I’m not busy. He’s a doll.’

  Lepski had other names to describe Hamilton, but this wasn’t the time.

  ‘We want as much information about this man you saw as you can give us. What else did you notice about him?’

  She thought as she stubbed out her cigarette. She thought as she lit another.

  ‘His hands!’ She surveyed Lepski, giving him her sexy smile. ‘Hands mean a lot to me, Mr. D
etective, you know? I have men friends, you know? Their hands . . . well, you know?’

  Lepski nodded. He could well imagine a man’s hands were important to a high price hooker.

  ‘So, I noticed his hands as he passed. They were artistic: long fingers, the hands of an artist: a painter, you know?’

  ‘He could have been a surgeon, something like that, couldn’t he?’

  ‘Maybe. He had artistic hands.’

  ‘From your description, it sounds to me as if he is in the money.’

  Doroles wrinkled her pretty nose.

  ‘He could be one of these cheapies who live on expenses, you know? No money, big deal, but charging everything on credit cards for whoever he works for to pick up. There was a cheapie who actually wanted to pay me by credit card . . . can you imagine?’

  ‘Yeah. Well, let’s see if we can get something more.’

  ‘I’d like you to hurry it, Mr. Detective. I guess by now, Jamie wants to visit a tree.’

  But after asking more questions, Lepski decided she had nothing else of importance to tell him.

  ‘Well, that’s fine, Doroles. You’ve been a great help. If you saw the back of this guy, would you recognize him?’

  ‘Sure, I would.’

  ‘Even if he wasn’t wearing the jacket?’

  Doroles nodded, then got to her feet. Her whole body gave a little dance. Jacoby who hadn’t taken his eyes off her, caught his breath in a despairing sigh.

  ‘One thing,’ Lepski said as he stood up, ‘say nothing to anyone about what you have told me. This is important. Up to now, you’re the only one out of hundreds who has given us constructive information. This man is dangerous. If it got around you could recognize him . . . you dig?’

  Her big black eyes widened.

  ‘You think he would come after me?’

  ‘He could.’

  ‘You think he would cut me up like that poor girl?’

  ‘He could.’

  ‘I hope you get him fast, Mr. Detective. I won’t feel safe until you do.’

  ‘Just say nothing.’

  ‘Do you think I should have a bodyguard?’

  Jacoby half started out of his chair, then meeting Lepski’s scowl, he sat down again.

  ‘If the Chief thinks you should have a bodyguard, I’ll fix it,’ Lepski said.