Stacy's Song

by Jacqueline Seewald

  The orchestra performed with the glee club and did a special presentation of Christmas and Chanukah music. It was when we were putting our instruments away getting ready to leave that Liz approached me.

  “Stacy, can we eat lunch together? I need to talk to you.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  I’d been eating lunch almost exclusively with Karen and the other cheerleaders who shared my lunch period. But today Liz and I sat off by ourselves. I slid a Swiss cheese sandwich out of the brown paper bag I brought from home and munched as Liz opened a milk container.

  “Michael is sorry about the way he behaved.”

  “He should be.” I met her level gaze.

  “He got carried away. He cares about you, Stace.” Liz’s large gray eyes misted soft and sad.

  “He doesn’t care about me. He just wants to control me, to use me like I was a puppet. When he pulls the strings I’m supposed to jump and if he doesn’t get his own way he becomes mean.”

  “I’m sorry you see it that way.” Liz’s voice was quiet and cool.

  “I don’t know how else to see it.” I put down my sandwich. Suddenly it tasted like sawdust.

  “It’s just that Greg has taken so much from him already.”

  I looked at her in total confusion. “What are you talking about? What’s Greg got to do with this?”

  “Michael wouldn’t like me to say.”

  “You already said something so don’t you think you ought to explain?”

  Liz licked dry lips. “Greg and Michael were best friends. They did everything together for years. But Greg was always jealous of Michael because he was the better athlete. When Michael became blind Greg never once visited him or even called. He dumped Michael like a sack of garbage.” Her great gray eyes took on a cold metallic glare of indignation. “After the accident, Greg demanded Michael’s spot in the line-up as clean-up batter and first baseman/pitcher. Greg lost no time making himself the star of the team. He could have cared less about Michael. I think he was actually glad.”

  “You don’t think your interpretation is just a little prejudiced and one-sided?”

  Liz shook her head. “Oh, Stacy, I just hope one day, you find out about Greg before he hurts you! Sure he can be a charmer, say all the right things, but deep down he’s selfish. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He’s also ambitious. Don’t you be blind!”

  “Let’s not talk about Greg anymore. Look, there’s something I need to tell you, something important.” I cleared my throat, which felt raw. “My father’s been upset by my grades. I’m not doing very well. He insists I give up at least one of my time-consuming activities.” I paused, hesitating to continue. But Liz watched me intently. “The thing is he wants me to stop playing with the band.”

  Liz let out a small gasp. “You can’t do that! You cannot quit the band. We’re a team. We depend on you.”

  “I’m not important. You can replace me. That’s a fact of life.”

  Liz shook her head again with vehemence. This time her honey hair fell into her face. “No, we need you! There has to be another way. From the first time I heard you sing I knew you were right for us, for Michael. Don’t desert us.”

  “Look, I can’t go against my father. Will you tell Michael for me? I think it’s best if I don’t see him again. We’d only end up arguing. We seem to have that effect on each other.”

  “If you’re set on this, you’re going to have to tell him yourself. He deserves that much from you.” Liz raised her chin in a mutinous gesture.

  She was right but the thought of telling Michael face to face was more than I could stand. “You’re sure you can’t tell him for me?”

  She folded her arms over her chest. “Some things a girl just has to do for herself.” At that point, Liz got up from the table. “Excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom.”

  “Aren’t you going to finish your lunch?”

  “No, I’m not hungry anymore. In fact I feel like throwing up.”

  I watched her go and felt a terrible burden of guilt, like a mountain climber carrying a heavy backpack. I had done what I had to, and I couldn’t help feeling rotten about it.

  ****

  That evening when Greg picked me up to go to a party at Karen’s house, I was still depressed.

  “Not in the mood for a great party tonight?” Greg asked.

  “Bah, Christmas, humbug,” I said in my best Scrooge imitation.

  “I hope that was a joke,” he said with an easy smile.

  “It was,” I lied.

  “You look nice,” he told me. It wasn’t true but I could always count on Greg to say the right thing.

  Randy and Karen hosted the party. Karen glowed in this atmosphere. The entire jock crowd was present and everyone was in high spirits. I tried to enter into it. I was grateful Mr. Kemp had cancelled our usual Friday Teen Night at the club. He was having a special show for the holidays so at least I didn’t have to face Michael tonight.

  I wanted to have a good time and forget about the band. As usual Greg was the center of interest. All the guys talked to him and all the girls admired him. Here I was, the date of the most popular boy in school. I tried hard to feel part of it—maybe a little too hard.

  Greg and I danced together and he held me very close during the slow dances. Karen had a great stereo system in her basement family room; the sound was fantastic. But my mind was elsewhere and I stepped on Greg’s toes with my big feet a number of times.

  “Sorry, I’m so clumsy,” I said, red-faced with embarrassment.

  “That’s okay,” he said with a crooked little smile that indicated I hurt him but he was too polite to admit it.

  About eleven o’clock, Greg turned to me. “Let’s go somewhere private.”

  I gave him a dubious look.

  “Not what you think. I just want us to talk a little.”

  That surprised me because Greg and I hardly ever talked except about trivial things. I thought maybe he wanted to discuss what happened with Michael the night before. I followed him into the den and watched while he closed the door. “Maybe this isn’t the right time or place but there are things I’ve wanted to say to you for a while now.”

  I gave him a questioning look.

  “I think you and I hit it off. I like you. I like your family a lot. Our backgrounds are similar and so are our interests. We’ve got everything in common, everything going for us.” He took my hands in his. “What I’m trying to say is that I want you to be my steady girlfriend. I don’t think of anyone else the way I think about you, Stace. Anyway, I’d like you to accept my school ring and wear it. I also want you to have my football varsity sweater.”

  I stared at him in surprise.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have sprung this on you.”

  I had trouble finding my voice. “Greg, I’m honored and I’m truly flattered but can I have a little time to think about this?”

  “Sure.” Still, he looked at me with surprise as well as disappointment. Clearly this wasn’t the response he’d expected. “Hey, this isn’t a marriage proposal or anything. I just thought you’d like to be my special girl.”

  I leaned over and kissed him, a quick peck on the cheek.

  “That’s no kiss,” he said, and with a big grin gave me a firm smack on the mouth.

  And still I didn’t feel anything. Why was that? Any normal girl would have been jumping out of her gourd with joy. Having a guy like Greg interested was the greatest thing that could happen to a girl. So why wasn’t I thrilled?

  But I wasn’t. The things Liz had said about Greg stayed with me, made me uneasy.

  I excused myself, telling him I wanted to see if Karen needed any help in the kitchen. But Karen wasn’t in sight and so I went upstairs into her bedroom to comb my hair and freshen my lipstick and try to think a little.

  There I ran into Cindy Ellis. I started to turn and leave but she stopped me. I wasn’t in the mood to be clawed by a cat this evening.

  “Just a second,
Stacy. I’ve been meaning to tell you something. You can relax. I’m no longer interested in Greg. I’ve got another boyfriend, as you might have noticed.” She shot me a patronizing smile and continued to comb her long, golden hair.

  “I don’t much care,” I told her. I figured with some people it was best to be blunt.

  “You should care. In fact, you should be keeping a close watch on Greg.” Our eyes locked.

  “I don’t have to do that. I trust him.”

  Her eyes were sharp, blue daggers. “Serious mistake! I ought to know. A lot of girls want to snare Greg. Oh, I agree you have nothing to worry about—at least not from me, but then there is your dear friend Karen.”

  “You’re incredible. Karen and Randy are inseparable.”

  She shrugged. “Not always. Karen and Greg have been out together. You don’t believe me, do you? Well, ask her. I doubt Greg would tell you the truth, but maybe she will.”

  Funny how such a pretty girl could look so ugly. At that moment, if someone told me Cindy was trying out for the part of a witch in Macbeth, I’d have said it was typecasting.

  “Greg did the same thing to me. Did you know he’s dated every member of the cheerleading squad at least once? Don’t look at me that way. I’m trying to do you a favor. You ought to thank me.”

  “I would if I thought it was true, but to my way of thinking, you’re just trying to get even.”

  “You know Greg has this thing for cheerleaders. Ask yourself this question: if you hadn’t been chosen for the squad, would Greg have given you a second look?” She gave me one of her superior smiles.

  I turned on my heels and left. I wanted nothing further to do with Cindy. His friends surrounded Greg again, and I didn’t feel like being with him or them right at that moment, so I went back to the kitchen. This time, Karen was there, pouring a fresh package of chips into a large bowl. She looked great, dressed in a green silk shirt that emphasized her auburn hair and sparkling green eyes. Was Cindy right? Had Greg been seeing her without me knowing about it?

  “Can I help you with anything?”

  Karen gave me a warm smile. “Thanks for asking, Stace, but everything’s under control. I didn’t go to much bother for this party. Still, everybody seems to be having a good time don’t you think?”

  “Terrific,” I responded without much enthusiasm. “I thought you’d like to be the first to know, Greg just asked me to be his steady girlfriend. What do you think about that?” I kept my voice even.

  Her face seemed like a mask. “Hey, totally awesome. He’s a great guy, a real stud muffin, a hottie. I know you’ll be very happy.” She smiled again and I thought I detected a touch of insincerity.

  “I knew that was the way you’d react. But Cindy Ellis told me something I find hard to believe.”

  “Oh, what’s that?” Karen got some fresh plastic cups down from the cupboard over the sink.

  “She told me you and Greg went out.” Karen dropped the cups on the floor. “Just once.” She stooped to retrieve the cups. Her eyes didn’t meet mine.

  “When was that?” I inquired.

  Karen bit down on her lower lip. “Just this one weekend when he wasn’t seeing you.” She still wouldn’t look me in the eye.

  “I see him every weekend,” I said in a quiet voice.

  “Well, if you must know, it was when you were sick.”

  “When I was sick?” I repeated the words, not comprehending them fully at first. “When I was sick!” I must have sounded like a demented parrot. “Karen, how could you?”

  She had her back to me now and I saw it stiffen. “Grow up, Stace!”

  “That’s the one thing no one’s ever accused me of before, not growing enough.”

  “You know what I mean. Look, Greg was lonely feeling blue and Randy had this heavy studying to do for some major tests. Well, we just sort of talked together and then we just sort of decided to go to the movies. It was only that one time. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. You do that sometimes.”

  “Come on, Karen. You’re supposed to be my friend.”

  “I am.” She whirled around, looking angry. “Aren’t I allowed to like Greg? Cindy just told you to cause trouble, and you fell right into her trap. Anyway, you don’t own Greg.” Her eyes were icy emerald shards.

  “You’re right, I don’t.”

  It seemed to me, I didn’t want to own him either. In fact I didn’t want any part of him. Maybe Cindy was right about Greg. Maybe he was shallow and fickle. Liz had warned me after all. I walked back to the recreation room and watched Greg at a distance. There he was at the hub right in his element charming them all to distraction. Cindy had returned to the room. She was sitting with her date but she had eyes only for Greg. All he had to do was snap his fingers and she’d be his again.

  Greg noticed my pensive mood on the drive home. “You’re awfully quiet,” he said. “That’s not like you. Are you thinking about us?”

  “That and a lot of other things.”

  He glanced over at me, a puzzled expression on his face. “You’re hard to figure out sometimes. Kind of complicated.”

  We drove along through the darkness for a time in silence. Then I felt I had to speak. “Cindy told me something tonight that disturbed me. She said you went out with Karen.”

  He let out an embarrassed laugh. “That girl will say anything to cause trouble. She’s still angry I broke up with her.”

  “Don’t bother to deny that you went out with Karen. I confronted her. She admitted it.”

  He looked upset. “She did? Well, what difference does it make anyway? I like Karen. She’s a nice girl but I could never be serious about her.”

  “It bothers me that you weren’t honest about it.”

  “Hey, I didn’t lie. I just didn’t mention it because I knew it would upset you. But we weren’t sneaking around if that’s what you think. I ran into a couple of kids I knew at the theater and I guess one of them mentioned it to Cindy. I’m not ashamed. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I never said you did.”

  He lifted his handsome chin. “Come on, Stace! You act like I betrayed you. We’re not even that involved yet.”

  “That’s true, Greg. You have a right to date anyone you please.” I took in a deep breath and then exhaled it slowly. “The fact is I think we should keep it that way.”

  “You do?” Did I imagine it or did he sound almost relieved?

  “Sure, we can always be friends, but I think we’re both too young to get tied to just one person. It would be a major mistake.”

  “You know, Stace, you might be right about that.”

  “I know I am. After all, we’ve both got college ahead of us.”

  Greg pulled up in front of my house. Around us, the world was hushed in the peaceful slumber of night. He leaned over and planted one of his perfectly aimed kisses on my lips. “You are special.” He walked me to the door, kissed me again, and we said goodnight.

  I felt as if the dentist had injected me with Novocain. Greg’s kiss was nothing more than swapping spit.

  I was quiet coming into the house, stealthy as a cat burglar. I didn’t want to disturb my family. I was lost in thought, as I got ready for bed. My mother came into my room just as I pulled down the covers.

  “Did you have a good time tonight?”

  “Okay, I guess.”

  “Something wrong?”

  “Greg asked me to be his special girlfriend and I turned him down. Dad will be sore, won’t he?”

  My mother sat down on my bed and studied me, her eyes like searchlights. “That doesn’t matter. After all, you’re the one dating him, not your dad. Greg does seem like a very nice boy though.” My mother’s brown eyes glowed warm and kind but she also frowned with concern.

  “I know he’s the kind of boy Dad wants me dating. It’s just that when I’m with Greg, I don’t feel much. I know I should, except I don’t. And tonight I found out he went out with Karen while I was sick.”

  Mother lowe
red her eyes. “You mustn’t be too harsh in your judgments of people. We all make mistakes.”

  “I know. I’m bothered about a lot of things. I told Liz I was quitting the band today. It upset her. Sure, Dad thinks it’s the right thing to do, but...”

  “You’re not certain?”

  “I’m…confused.”

  She patted my head gently as she used to when I was small. “Rites of passage.”

  “Whatever that means.”

  “Growing up is never easy.”

  “When you decided to give up your musical career, was it difficult for you, Mom?”

  She met my gaze with directness. “Darling, I never had a career.”

  “But you have so much talent. You could have been a concert pianist. And you have such a beautiful singing voice.”

  She laughed, her voice like a flute. “Not as good a voice as yours, Stacy. No, I always opted for the safe thing. That’s why I became a music teacher and not a musician.”

  “Deep in your heart, do you sometimes regret it?”

  “Sometimes, but not often. I’m very glad I married your father and had you children. I’ve never regretted my choices. I love having a family. My choices were right for me, but the same choices might not be right for you. Yes, sometimes, late in the night, when I’m lying awake, I wonder what it might have been like if I had chosen to be a real musician, if I had taken the road less traveled and pursued my original ambition.”

  There was a sudden light in my mother’s eyes. “Who can say what would have happened?” She dismissed the idea with a deep sigh. “All I know is, when the time comes, you’re going to have to make certain decisions for yourself. Your dad and I can give you suggestions, advice and opinions, but it would be wrong if either one of us attempted to dictate what you should do with you life.”

  “Isn’t that just what Dad’s been doing?”