"Hmm," Mae's eyebrows drew together and she crossed her arms. "It certainly doesn't improve your disposition much." She turned her attention to the doctor. "Thank you Doctor Kennedy. Any instructions?" As always she was brisk to the task at hand, not letting him get the best of her. He slid a glance at the proud woman who now pointedly ignored him.
The doctor's lips curved and his eyes warmed when he stood to speak to her. The older man was always respectful toward Mae, yet his eyes seemed to drink her in and John didn't begrudge him, after all Mae had such an effect on men. The fact he still felt the urge to growl in frustration when men noticed her beauty annoyed him.
He had no rights to her. It was only a natural reaction. Mae was after all a breathtaking woman.
"Don't overdo it John. If you spend too many hours on the leg one day, you'll pay for it the next. Ease into it. Now take a few more steps and let me see if I need to make any more adjustments. If it's misaligned and you get a sore, it could bring another infection," the doctor instructed.
"I won't Doc. Not in a hurry to see you again, no offense." John took several more assured steps while attempting to disregard Mae's watchful eye.
The next evening, John sat in the kitchen at the table and wondered why suppertime seemed like a festive occasion. Joshua came for dinner and even the usually dour Alan participated in the animated conversation about the upcoming spring festivities in town. Mae and Elma had outdone themselves that night. The table was laden with aromatic food, a roast accompanied by root vegetables flanked by crusty bread and freshly churned butter all smelled and tasted delicious.
When Mae's eyes met his across the table, a ripple of heat traveled down from his chest. He frowned at feeling heat rise to his face. What was wrong with him? How could one look from her affect him so?
Her lips curved knowingly when he grumbled under his breath and adjusted his seat.
"Now for something special," her husky voice did little to settle his already altered state. Mae got up and opened a cupboard to produce a large cake. The dish in hand, she moved with care toward the table, her eyes on him.
Her soft smile made his stomach flip, so he focused on the cake instead. Each day around Mae and able to touch her and share the closeness they once had when on the road. The sooner he and Wesley moved on the better. A man could only resist so long.
Her eyes twinkling, she placed the cake in front of him. "Happy Birthday John."
"What?" He looked around the room and was taken aback. Every set of eyes looked at him with expectation.
"Happy birthday Senor McClain," Elma exclaimed with a broad smile. "Wesley, Senorita Mae and I worked hard on the cake. Hope you like it." She prodded Wesley who tore his eyes from the dessert and looked up at him.
"Hap bird-day Da." The little boy clapped and bounced, his eyes once again glued to the cake.
The changes in Wesley over the last few weeks were astonishing. He'd blossomed into a bright and happy boy. While recovering and unable to leave his room, John heard his son's laughter when the child played in the house. Through the window he often caught sight of the boy running circles around Elma while she worked on the garden or hung clothes on the line. Other times the little boy skipped along hand-in-hand with Mae. Wesley was happy here. How would he react to leaving? John shook the thoughts away and forced a smile. "Thank you. I'd forgotten I told Mae my birthdate when we traveled here."
"Well let's cut it. I can't wait to try it." Mae's face brightened with joy giving him the first glimpse of a different side of her. Jovial and relaxed, she let out a loud laugh when Wesley stood up on his chair and clapped.
The evening progressed, all of them eating too much cake and later each complained about overfilled bellies, but the expressions of cheer contradicted the exaggerated woe filled words. This is what family should be like.
Wesley's eyes began to droop and without haste, he was lifted up by Mae and carried to his room. The child laid his head on her shoulder, his tiny arm around her neck. That she'd taken to the boy was more than evident. John wondered if the separation would be harder on her than on his son.
Life sure had a way of throwing one into strange situations, John pondered. He wouldn't have dreamed of sitting here in a warm kitchen surrounded by people that cared for his child. A child he didn't know up until a few weeks ago. A boy who was now being put to bed by the beautiful woman he fought not to think about every waking moment.
Mae fumbled with the small package, straightening the blue ribbon yet again. She'd meant to give John the gift earlier when the others had presented him with theirs, but for selfish reasons, she'd abstained. Now she felt rather silly at the thought of wanting to be the only one to witness when John opened it. Although it was but a simple handkerchief she'd embroidered with his initials, each stitch was sewn with meticulous care. It had been so long since they'd spent time alone with only each other for company and she missed him very much. She longed for their quiet conversations and his companionship. So tonight she'd planned to visit with him, sit and talk, just be near to him for a few moments this evening.
The night had been a success. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Even John had smiled more than usual when accepting his gifts. A walking stick from Joshua, a shirt Elma had made him and from Wesley, a pair of socks. She walked into the front room expecting to find John there since he made a habit of sitting by the fireplace in the evenings reading, but the room was empty. Maybe the events of the day had proven too much and he'd decided to retire early?
Although highly inappropriate to go to his bedroom, after traveling together for all those days alone, she no longer gave propriety much thought when it came to John.
"John?" Mae knocked at his bedroom door. Other than a shuffling noise, there was no reply. Her heart quickened. "John, are you all right?"
The door swung open so fast, Mae jumped back stifling a gasp.
His gray eyes were almost black when he looked at her. "What is it Mae?" Well, he certainly seemed none to pleased to see her.
The rejection stung. Of course how foolish she was to think he missed her as much. He had a son to worry about, not to mention just recovering from a shocking loss. Yet tears threatened and she looked away so he would not see. "I'm sorry." Mae took a step back. "Nothing important, I'll speak to you in the morning."
She went to turn, but a firm hand on her elbow stopped her. "Look, it's just that..." he seemed at a loss for words, his eyes searching her face, as if it held the answer. When he noticed the gift in her hand, he eyes widened "Christ, I'm sorry Mae. It's just right now is not a good time for you to be alone with me. I was thinking about you and...I and how we..."
Angrier with herself than him, she tried to pull her arm away. "I apologize for intruding on your evening. Good night John."
Before she could take a step, he swung her around and brought her against his hard chest with such force she feared they'd topple over. Then his lips covered hers with a desperation that took her breath away.
She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him even closer returning his kiss with matched emotions. How she'd missed him, his touch, his warmth during those nights in the back of the wagon.
His mouth moved over hers, and she parted her lips to allow him better access. At once, their tongues automatically twisted around the other.
Mae didn't realize they'd moved into his room until the soft sound of the door closing behind her sounded. The need to be alone with him, to not share any part of who John McClain was, overruled all common sense.
A thought took root in her mind. This was exactly what she needed right now and she made up her mind.
She'd not leave this room tonight.
Then his lips began a lazy trail down to her throat, Mae threw her head back to allow him more access.
"John." The breathless exclamation intermingled with the sounds of their heavy breathing. Her fingers combed into his hair, and she held him in place with one hand while maintaining a hold on his shoulder with the ot
her.
"I want you," John rasped out, his hands slid down her back to cup her derriere and he pushed his thickness into her accentuating the request. "Let me have you Mae."
How could she deny him? She'd already made the decision and the reply was easy.
"Yes." Mae's answer came like a deep moan followed by a sharp intake of breath when he managed to expose her breasts and began to lap at one while his fingers play with the other. Sensations slammed into her, and she could just barely keep upright. Yet she pulled her fingers through his hair in encouragement, desperate for him not to stop.
John growled and pushed her back onto his bed, falling with her to land on top of her.
His weight brought back memories of their time together on the trail. He smelled of outdoors and rain, his scent igniting her further and she pulled at his shirt needing to touch his skin. Finally when the garment came loose from his pants, she ran her fingers under it running her palms across his broad back and then across the expanse of his chest. All the while, his darkened eyes bore into hers as he allowed her free access to his body.
He'd suppressed the desire for Mae far too long, and now with her in his bed, John was not going to allow the enticing woman out of it until he claimed her. To hell with the repercussions he'd have to face tomorrow.
The fiery trail her fingers left across his skin only added fuel to the already tenuous hold on his urges, and John pressed himself against her center to find her reciprocating with an upward thrust of her hips.
Fearing he was too heavy, he rolled onto his back so that she lay over him. She peered down at him, her long blonde hair a tangled mess, and he took pride in being responsible for her disheveled appearance. He took her swollen lips once again and ran his fingers through the silky tresses, loosening them to fall down past her shoulders.
The reverberations of their breathing and the sound of their kissing merged with the rustling of clothing. Mae's skirts and blouse joined his shirt on the floor.
John hesitated to remove his pants, but the decision was taken away when her delft fingers began making short work of the fastenings at his waist. She pushed the garment down past his hips, her gaze trailing behind studying the exposed skin. When moving to where his left leg ended. His heart beat faster and he stayed her hand. Frozen he couldn't move forward, John even stopped breathing, the last breath stuck in his throat.
"I can't"
Breathing began again with gulps, and he moved backward, his hands still holding his pants up and covering the evidence of his arousal. John kept his gaze down to the floor focusing on the strewn clothes.
"I find you totally and completely perfect John," her husky words had the wrong effect. Of course she was just trying to make him feel better, acted as if the fact he was not whole did not matter to sooth his ego. It was all an act for his sake, and he was not convinced. Perhaps she did want him at the moment, and he attempted to take a step forward, but could not. Finally he was able to swallow past the constriction in his throat and he looked at her.
Her face although still flushed now held nothing but tenderness and it made him feel even less worthy of her. "Come here John. Nothing has to happen between us if you are not ready, but please come back to me." She'd pulled the blanket over herself, and he hated he could no longer see her perfect body.
John released a slow exhalation as he neared the bed and lay back onto it.
On her side, she rested her head on her hand, her gaze flickering to him and then around the room. "This is my first time in this bed."
His gaze traveled to her parted lips. "I've wanted you since that day. The day I walked you home."
"The day you hurried off without looking back?" Her lips curved upward and she slid her fingers over his shoulder. "I remember the day."
"I want to kiss you again Mae."
Her eyes locked onto his, and she leaned forward. "Then kiss me John."
Their lips joined again with him, not allowing any thought to linger on the fact he was not a whole man. With her right now in his bed, a luckier more complete man did not exist. He pulled her over him ensuring the blankets remained in place and held her close.
John leaned his forehead against hers, the whispers of her breathing fanning across his face. "I'm sorry. "
"Don't apologize John. I shouldn't have come here, rushed you." She moved to lie beside him and placed her head on his shoulder.
"You attempted to take advantage of me." John's highbrow expression of shock made her grin.
"Truly, I didn't expect more than you to open my gift."
"A better gift you could not have given me than to spend time, be here with me right now. I missed being alone with you."
Her smile brightened the room, her happy expression making his chest swell. It almost made up for the fact that he was not able to be with her as a man.
John's brow creased and she could tell he thought about what happened, so she stroked his face and turned him to her. "This is what I really wanted too. I too missed those long days on the road with you when we spent hours together."
His somber eyes bore into hers. "Have you ever... God, how do I phrase this? Have you ever been with someone like me? Not whole?"
The words weighed on her, but she could not blame him for not knowing the truth of her life since she lived in a brothel. After all, it was common knowledge most madams started off a working girls.
"No I have not," she replied truthfully. "I've had a lover, and he had two legs, both worked perfectly."
"A lover?"
"Yes John, I never sold my body for a price. If I took a lover once, it was because I'll never marry and wanted to know what it was like between men and women. Even if only temporary."
A long silence followed, with neither speaking for a long time. Finally, John placed a kiss onto her forehead and let out a sigh. "What happened between you?"
"He ended it of course. It goes without saying, that although I was a virgin our first night, he still found me unworthy of marriage."
John frowned, his eyes locked to hers. "I have to know how this is possible. You own a brothel, you're a…"
"Madam," Mae replied and attempted to slide away, but his arm remained firm holding her in place. "Both my mother and Miss Lady demanded I keep from serving customers. In their minds, they thought one day a proper gentleman would show interest in me and ask for my hand in marriage." The bitterness in her voice surprised her, yet she plundered on. "As you well understand, it will never happen. Not for me. Virgin or not, I'm a tarnished woman."
He held her tight. "I can't marry you either Mae. But it's not what...."
Her heart lurched at the words, and body stiffened." I wouldn't ask you to."
"Yet it would be the proper thing to do," John replied letting out a breath.
"I would never ask it of you or expect it. I'm sure for someone like you to marry someone of my social standing is unthinkable." She moved away from him and this time he allowed it.
John remained quiet, deep in thought for a moment. "It's not what you think Mae, I have to figure out how to deal with all this," he motioned to his leg. "And I have a son to worry about now. I don't have anything to offer you."
Mae rolled to her side facing him. "Can this night not be about expectations? Let's just talk."
"I can give us that," he replied.
Then he kissed her, the soft kiss was meant to reassure her, but instead it shattered her heart and soul.
18
It was unusually hot for April, at least John thought so, he wasn't sure it was his first time there. Waves of heat pulsated from the parched ground but fortunately the clouds gathering in the otherwise bright blue sky promised a reprieve. Plus the rains would ensure a healthy crop.
John pushed his hat up from his brow, wiping absently with his handkerchief and listened to Alan, who explained the need for another field horse.
He'd fallen naturally into the role of overseer. Once training John to his satisfaction, Joshua was free to work his own l
ands and had gladly relinquished the duties over to him.
While listening, John glanced over at the other two men they'd hired recently. The men took a break under a shade tree, both drinking heavily of the cool water Elma had brought out. "I certainly understand why you feel another horse is necessary, but the three we have seem more than sufficient. However, I will speak to the Joshua to see if he also feels one of the horses is as unsuitable as you suspect." He replied. "Tell the others we have to get the equipment gathered and into the barn before the rains come." He dismissed the man and headed toward the stable. Alan, a hard worker, he seemed satisfied with John's reply and went to join the others.
John looked past the fields toward the horse corrals where several colts pranced around the adults.
Virginia was no longer an option, his father had written, he was selling the press. Perhaps he'd remain here, he'd start a new life for Wesley and himself.
A small farm, with stables.
Once settled, he'd see about breeding horses. Raising his purebreds was where his true passion lay. The experience here at Hawkins' ranch was a boon. He'd learned quite a bit about not only the proper way to run a large estate, but about horse breeding as well. At five years his senior, Joshua took him through the paces of all involved in running the ranch and all he knew about horses. It was evident the soft-spoken man had learned from the best.
John admired what Mae's father had acquired here and the hard work that must have gone into prospering such a great ranch.
The rain began to fall in earnest just an hour later, and John made his way from the stables to the house. His leg bothered him enough to let him know he'd spent too much time moving about that day. This evening he planned on a hot bath and perhaps reading in the front room. How easily I've become domesticated. He smiled at the thought and shook his head. Just months earlier, he much preferred spending the evening outdoors to being inside.
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