Mae rolled her eyes and watched the horizon. As soon as Wesley woke, it was time to leave. "Never took you for a poet McClain."
"How do you feel about me?" John took her shoulders and held her still, his eyes boring into hers.
"What?" Mae could only gawk back at him. "I can't answer that right now. Why would you ask me that John?"
This time the kiss was soft and brief. His chest moved with his faster breathing when he straightened, dropping his hands to his sides. "Answer the question Mae."
"Give me a reason for your question? Tell me why should I reconsider a relationship with Joshua?" She looked into his eyes, but could not make out anything from the flat expression.
Eyes locked with hers, he let out a deep breath looking as if in pain. "You're right. I cannot offer you anything Mae."
"So you say. It's time for me to go." Mae went around him to fetch the sleeping child.
"I hungry," Wesley announced upon waking. Bundled next to her, the child wiped his eyes and looked up at her. Just the sight of the gray eyes so alike his fathers made her stomach pitch.
"Here sweetie." Mae handed the boy a piece of leftover bread she'd saved for him. "We're almost home."
Home. Soon it would not be his home. He'd go live with John, and the other half of her heart would be taken from her.
24
Alan spotted Lucinda Roberts by the same fence, this time dressed in a bright yellow dress. Like a ray of sunshine against the backdrop of the cloudy skies, trees and pasture she stood with her head cocked to the side and studied the horizon, not seeming to see what was before her at all. Whatever weighed heavily on her mind kept her from noticing him until he was but a scant foot from her.
Her eyes immediately narrowed and her full lips thinned as she considered him. "It's not polite to sneak up on a person Mister Murphy," she told him speaking down her nose. "But I suppose manners are not adhered to here in the west."
"Miss Roberts." Alan tipped his hat. "Seems the fresh air is not to your liking."
"True, I'd rather not be here." She replied taking a step away from him. "There is nothing here for me."
"You haven't given it a chance."
"I've been to Texas before. It was not a welcoming place. I hate it."
"Experiences do have a way of changing a place for us don't they?"
Lucinda huffed and picked up her skirts. "Please don't attempt to act as if you understand me."
"Excuse me?" Anger simmered and Alan stared at the frustrating woman. "I am attempting to hold a conversation with you Luciana. Trying to understand you. That's all."
Her nostrils flared, her eyes snapped to his. "I'm not sure you could ever understand me Mister Murphy."
"You do seem to possess a large share of bitterness and self-pity, so perhaps you're correct Miss Roberts." When her eyes widened and her mouth opened, he rounded her and stalked towards the bunkhouse. Thank God the other ranch hands did not live there. At the moment he needed privacy.
Just as Alan reached the doorway, he could not help but look back to where Lucinda Roberts stood. She remained stock still, her hands to her sides, her face downward. Perhaps he'd been too harsh. The thought of returning and apologizing struck him, but his pride stopped him from going to her. Seeming to sense his regard, she lifted her face and look toward him.
Sorrow was etched across her beautiful face; but the instant she noticed he saw her, she yanked up her skirts and swung away running to the large house.
The dim interior of the bunkhouse soothed him. Alan walked past the four neatly made beds on both sides of the large room to the end where he pulled one of the chairs away from the square wooden table and sat. He focused on the chest along the far wall where he kept the few belongings he'd kept when moving to Hawkins' ranch.
Along with his shirts and trousers, there was a small framed picture of his wife and two boys. How wrong Lucinda was to think she was the only one with a right to be bitter and angry. A man could succumb to a life of drink and sorrow; he knew it more than most having spent two years after their deaths in such a way. But he'd woken up one day with the conviction that although he'd lost his family to diphtheria, he'd be doing them a disservice by not being the husband and father they'd loved. The same morning he made a decision that he would live a good life to pay them honor.
25
Once they arrived back at Hawkins ranch, Mae turned Wesley over to Elma and rushed to her bedroom.
Collapsing on the bed, she fought to bring her breathing under control. After several long shaky breaths, she closed her eyes and put her face in her hands.
Joshua waited for her in the front room, and she had to face him. Spend time with him.
She splashed water on her face and brushed the windblown strands into a semblance of order. After she assessed her appearance, Mae went to the front room.
Joshua stood when she entered, his shy smile warmed her. And when he reached for her elbow to assist her to sit, she found herself faltering.
He shook his head. "It's strange. I grew up in this house, but it looks so different since you've moved into it. It's brighter or something. I feel more like a guest when I am in this room."
While he looked around, Mae studied him. He was pleasant, about the same height as John, but with a more husky build. She wondered why he'd not married. "Why have you not married Joshua?"
He shrugged. "I've been so busy with my lands and helping Uncle Joe out the last few years. It’s rare I have time to venture into town. If you notice, there aren't many women out here."
"I can see that." Mae replied with a smile.
"More surprising to me is you not married already."
The time to divulge why she'd remained single. The words began to form and her heartbeat quickened. "I'm not the type of woman respectable men marry Joshua. You see my business back in Virginia is not reputable. Miss Lady and I run a brothel. I am a madam."
Other than a slight frown and cock of his head to the side, Joshua did not seemed at all perturbed by her revelation. "It's strange I never considered what your business was. Not until Miss Lady and Lucinda arrived. The younger woman with her bright clothing and walk made me wonder."
"Well now you understand why I remain single." Mae looked at him relieved at the lack of judgment in his regard of her.
"What you just told me changes nothing." A slight curve of his lips took her attention. "I would like to get to know you better Mae. He hesitated. "I hope I'm not being too forward, as I don't know the nature of your relationship with John McClain."
"He...he cannot get past my background. Perhaps the fact his men frequented my establishment has tarnished his opinion of me."
"Then he's a fool," Joshua neared and took her hand. "Allow me the opportunity. I've wanted a wife and children for so long, yet never thought it would be."
Mae met his eyes. Such kindness, he deserved a woman's entire heart and she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to give him that. "I will consider it. Please allow me time to think about it."
Joshua raised her hand to his lips and placed a kiss on her knuckles. "I better go, have much to do. I will return on Sunday, if you permit me to accompany you to church."
After Joshua left, Mae remained seated, not sure what to think or do.
What was she doing? Could she possibly marry Joshua? She'd made it past the obstacle of disclosing to him her past and dealing with the possibility of his rejection. He'd proven to be a sensible man who approached each day with quiet acceptance.
If only John would look at her in such a manner. No matter what the man said or attempted to say, she knew the truth behind his inability to forge a relationship with her. He simply could not get past the fact she'd spent her entire life until recently in a brothel. And truth be told, it was for the best. If they'd stayed together, she would be forced to live with the constant shadow of his disapproval, and after years, it would be exhausting.
A husband, now she found herself in need of one. The thought made her chuckle. I
n Virginia she could remain without a partner, live out her life in the large white house in the outskirts of town. But here in Texas, a woman needed a man. Protection was as much a need as the air in the still untamed part of the country, and she should marry if she was to remain.
She'd speak to Joshua and forge an agreement to marry once they got to know each other better. She'd force John from her heart.
The decision was made. She'd remain in Texas. To be far from Wesley was no longer an option. Her already broken heart would crumble to a thousand pieces if she could not see him. That alone would fortify her strength to remove John McClain from her heart.
Joshua had alluded to other children. Yes, she'd have a family and love them, but Wesley would remain imbedded in her heart, to not be displaced by any other child.
She touched her lips and thought about the hunger in John's kiss. From now on she'd avoid being alone with him. Until John hired the caregiver, she'd send him to visit his father with Alan and Elma.
It was only fair if she ever agreed to marry Joshua that she give him the respect due a husband. Mae lowered to her knees and bent her head in prayer. "God please take John out of my heart. Replace the deep love I have for him with love for you and my future husband. I want to be a good wife. Take this piercing pain away each time I think of John." A single tear slid down her cheek unabated.
A knock on the door followed by Miss Lady's voice brought her to the present. "Come join me for tea girl. We haven't talked about your plans for the house in Virginia."
"I'll be right there Miss Lady," Mae replied forcing a light tone.
26
Alan tried to hide a smile at Lucinda's attempts to keep as wide a distance between them as possible on the bench of the wagon. With Miss Lady and Elma on the back seat, she'd had little choice of where to sit. He slid his gaze to her and cocked an eyebrow. "You could ride in the very back, I'm sure the bouncing would be minimal at this pace."
Narrowed eyes met his. "No doubt you'd pick up the pace once I was back there."
"You have a bad opinion of me Miss Roberts." Alan replied his attention on the horses.
Lucinda sniffed. "I'm sure my opinion matters very little to you."
This time he faced her, not looking away until her eyes lifted to his. "It does matter. Very much."
As if to ensure the women in the back could not overhear them, she looked to them. Their conversation never stopped, and her shoulders lowered. "You enjoy shocking me Mr. Murphy, do you not?"
"Call me Alan." The only reply was a tightening of her lips.
Once they arrived at the chapel, Alan climbed down and began to help the ladies down. Arms entwined, Elma and Miss Lady made their way to the entrance. Last down from her perch, Lucinda seemed more than reluctant to go inside. With a grim expression, eyebrows drawn and lips pulled tight, she stood without moving.
"I will sit with you and ensure you're all right," Alan told her, not quite sure why the need to protect her came over him. "Come on Miss Roberts." He held out his arm and was shocked silent when she slipped her arm through.
Lucinda's heartbeat quickened. Why had she agreed to come today? The closer they got to the entrance of the church, the larger the urge to flee became and her breathing hitched. She and God had a huge misunderstanding, and there was still too much anger in her to step inside the church and pretend all was well. It would be a lie to allude to him she did not hold a grudge at his allowing her husband and son to die in front of her eyes.
Alan's arm was firm, solid, and she dug her fingers into his muscle. At the steps, she stopped walking, her eyes glued to the open doors. "I can't. This was a mistake." Lucinda took a step backward, never pulling her hand from Alan's arm. Truth be told, she feaed her legs would give out and she'd fall. "I'll wait over there by those trees," Lucinda told Alan, pushing away from him. The fact that his chest was firm under her hands did not escape her notice.
Blue eyes met hers before flicking over to where she motioned. "Why don't you just come with me? I have something to check on. We'll be back by the time service ends."
Not quite sure of anything other than she needed to get away, she allowed the man to guide her back to the wagon. He helped her onto the bench and ran toward the church doorway. After speaking to someone, he returned and climbed onto the bench next to her.
Alan Murphy was a handsome man. With sandy brown wavy hair touching his collar, broad shoulders and a slender waist, Lucinda wondered why he was not married. Unless he was, but she'd just assumed he wasn't.
The horses followed a long dirt road. In the distance she spied a small cabin and barn. A well-kept fence around the surrounding land did not pen any animals. As they neared, she realized the house was either abandoned or the owners were not there as there barn doors were flung open and no animals seemed to be inside.
"Why are we here?" Did he plan to ask her to provide a service? Lucinda stiffened. Of course she'd told him her past, so she shouldn't be surprised.
"This is my house," He replied removing his hat and scanning over the small farm. Looks like someone was in the barn not too long ago." He pulled the wagon to the side of the house, and looked up at her. "Let me ensure all is safe before I help you down."
Lucinda nodded and eyed the reins. She should leave, return to town and leave him here. She'd not have relations with him, not that she thought herself too good for it. It was the fact she’d come to expect more from Alan for some unexplainable reason. When she leaned to retrieve the leather straps, she saw Alan draw his gun and step into the barn. What if he was hurt?
At the thought, she scampered down from the wagon and went toward the barn. Not hearing a sound, she slowly peered from the doorway only to jump back when a plaid covered chest appeared. "Goodness Alan, you scared me to death."
A lopsided grin made her even angrier, and she stomped her foot. "It's not funny."
"It's a good thing you're beautiful when you're angry, cause you sure spend a lot of time that way." He told her walking towards the house. "Would you like to come inside?" He stretched out his hand.
It shocked her, but Lucinda trusted Alan right then, and she took his outstretched hand allowing the male to pull her towards the doorway of the house. His large framed filled the doorway, as he unlocked the door and stuck his head inside, then moving to the side he guided her inside before him. Such a gentleman, she could get used to this.
The room was of a good size, clean, recently swept and utterly empty. There was a hearth and some blankets on the floor before it, but nothing else. They walked through another two rooms, both just as empty. "Why is it empty?" She finally had to ask.
"I gave everything away, or sold it after..." He looked away from her and she finished for him.
"After your family died."
"Yes."
"Why not sell the place? Why keep it and all its sad memories?" A familiar pang began to grow in Lucinda's chest. "I would burn it to the ground." She moved away from Alan and pressed her lips together to stop talking.
"Look at me." The words more a request than a command yet she did as he bid. Her knees almost buckled at the compassion in his eyes.
Instead of bitterness or sadness, she saw warmth in his expression, on the soft curve of his lips. Not sure why, she reached up to his face and cupped his jaw with her right hand. He leaned into her touch and sighed, Alan's eyes closed for a moment. When they opened, she recognized the heat in his gaze and pulled her hand away.
Alan cleared his throat. "When I see this house, I remember the happy moments with my family. A life rich and full with love and comfort." He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong, it took me a while. For a couple of years, I did little more than exist. But then I remembered the promise my wife and I made to each other. If ever one of us left the other, we'd do everything in our power to move on. To be happy."
Abruptly pictures of her time together with William, her quite unassuming husband, appeared in the forefront of her mind. Of their whispers in the darkness of nigh
t, when they'd lay down exhausted but happy, during their trek west with their son tucked safely between them. "Promise me you'll always be content like this." He'd said one night. "I want to make you happy."
She had agreed, not knowing a few days later...
"You've left me Lucinda." Alan came back into focus.
Lucinda focused on Alan's face and realized once again how handsome the man was. Unlike William's slight build, he was tall and muscular with a square jaw and a mouth made for kissing. "Will you kiss me?"
His eyebrows shot up for a moment, and then his hands cupped her face. "Are you sure?"
Her customers were never allowed to kiss her, the one small part of her she kept for herself. For William.
She nodded, considered taking the words back until his mouth covered hers. His lips pressed against hers with hesitation, soft and tentative. His hands, on her face, he held her in place while his mouth explored her. It was...like heaven, and Lucinda did not want him to stop. Ever.
Wrapping her fingers around his shoulders, she returned the kiss and all reservations floated away. A moan escaped. She wasn't sure if it was Alan or her, but it broke the spell and both abruptly moved away.
Alan's large chest expanded and withdrew with his breathing, his lips reddened from her kiss. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to get carried away. It’s been a while since..."
"Me too." Lucinda lifted her hand to touch her lips. "Should we return?"
He swallowed and moved toward her. "Yes." This time when he leaned in, he kept his hands to his sides. The kiss was sweet and chaste, yet Lucinda closed her eyes.
"I hope this means you won't be mean to me once we get back to the ranch." He smiled down at her and for the first time in a long time her lips curved in return.
"We'll see."
His laughter was rich, and she enjoyed the sound of it.
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Westbound Awakening Page 16
