Ashley laughs, but Marks only scowls as he asks, “How serious was it?”
“Kasey and I never dated because of her parents. She wasn’t allowed to at all,” I say, raking my hand over my head desperately trying to clear the irritation from my mind.
“So she was the prize you couldn’t touch?” Mark’s jokes, making me scowl at him.
“She was more than that,” I mumble, wanting to punch him as well.
I hate the way it sounds, but it’s true. Of course I’ve heard the saying, you want what you can’t have, but Kasey was always more than just a prize I couldn’t have. She was different. She always listened without hesitation when I had a problem, never judging me for my faults. She was the one who always helped me with my schoolwork when I couldn’t get it through my thick head and my grades started to take a plunge, to the point of failing. She never gave up on me. That’s when I started noticing her as more than just the girl next door, but the girl I wanted to date. The girl I wanted to fall in love with. Or maybe I already had.
“It still doesn’t explain how you ended up getting her pregnant,” Ashley says, breaking my trance of the memory and taking me back to another.
“Kasey cooked me dinner the night before I left for boot camp. Her parents weren’t home. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together that night. I had to leave the next morning and I kept thinking she’d be there when I got back, but she wasn’t,” I say, my voice now sounding raspy as I try to control the grief of the words deep within me.
“Her parents told me she left out of state when I asked them where she was at, and I believed them,” I explain.
Ashley’s looks as if she’s ready to cry. I have to turn away from her to look out the back window, needing the distraction of the darkened sky to clear my mind.
But Mark’s next question brings my attention back. “So what do you plan on doing now?”
“I don’t know,” I truthfully tell him. “I haven’t really wanted to make plans until I get to talk to Kasey. I don’t know how I’m going to handle leaving them when I go back home, though,” I say, twisting the beer bottle in my hand, trying to distract myself.
The silence in the room grows heavy, making me feel uncomfortable.
“Well, whatever it is you plan on doing, we’re here for you,” he sincerely says to me.
Smiling at both of them, I feel better knowing I have their support. Mark can be an ass most of the time, but he’s always had my back, and there was no doubt that he’d have it with whatever decision I make in this situation as well. The only problem is, I have to figure out what it is I plan on doing.
“Does Kasey even plan on telling Josephina that you’re her father?” Mark asks, making me think about it.
Knowing Kasey hasn’t told Josephina worries me, but I’ve been trying to take things one day at a time with her, not wanting to frighten her. The last thing I want is for Kasey to try keeping me from seeing Josephina, especially since Josephina doesn’t know I’m her father. My focus is getting to know her, slowly trying to gain Josephina’s trust, as I wait for Kasey to inform her. I want to be part of this little girl’s life. I just haven’t figured out how the hell I was going to do that.
There’s a lot I need to discuss with Kasey; the sooner, the better.
“Does Kasey know that you’re engaged?” Mark curiously asks, most likely already knowing the answer.
Shaking my head at them, I feel the guilt returning as it builds up inside of me.
I hear Ashley grumble, but Mark chuckles at my response.
I planned on telling Kasey about Elizabeth tonight, but the right moment never came up. I know well enough not to try to explain the situation to Elizabeth over the phone. Telling her was going to have to wait until I got back to the west coast. That was something I was going to have to do in person with her, which I wasn’t looking forward to either. I know I’m in deep shit with this whole situation, but there wasn’t anything I could change about the past or the outcome of it.
Seeing Ashley starting to yawn, I excuse myself to my room, wishing them a goodnight so they can head off to bed as well. Reaching my room, I lie down in the bed and stare up at the ceiling, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to fix all this.
Looking down at the screen of my phone, I see the time, realizing that Kasey should be home by now. Without hesitation I search for her number in my contacts and I press call, waiting for her to answer. She quickly picks up on the third ring and when I hear her voice a smile forms on my lips, loving the sound of her voice.
“Hi Joseph, is something wrong?” she asks, her worried tone making my smile grow wider.
“No, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay,” I tell her. “Did you put Josephina to bed already?”
Her voice drops down, almost into a whisper as she responds. “Yes. I think she fell asleep the moment I put her in the car. She was really worn out from tonight. I think it was that video game system,” she says with a chuckle. “Maybe I should buy her one of those things if this is the end result.”
I laugh along with her, remembering how much Josephina loved dancing around to the music. “Technically I did buy it for her, so it’s hers to keep.”
“Joseph, I wanted to talk to you about that. I don't like the idea that you bought it solely because we were coming over,” she tells me, sounding distraught.
“Kasey, it doesn’t matter. Seeing how happy it made Josephina made it worth buying. That’s all that matters,” I tell her, trying to defuse her unhappiness. “I’m going to drop it off before I leave, that way she’ll have something to wear her out every night while you’re working.”
“No Joseph, you don’t have to do that. Mark looked like he enjoyed himself as well. I’d hate for you to take it from his house. I’ll figure out a way to buy her one,” she answers, making me chuckle as I remember Mark playing with the game system. Although he did enjoy himself, I had bought it for Josephina, not Mark.
“I’m pretty sure Ashley wouldn’t like it very much if Mark got hooked on video games, especially with the baby coming soon. She’ll probably insist I take the thing to you anyway,” I tell her, hoping my insistence will change her mind.
It’s then I realize Kasey hasn’t changed from the girl I grew up with. She’s always been selfless, always thinking of other people first, even back then.
The line grows quiet. I know she’s considering my offer. Closing my eyes, I remember what Kasey looked like when she knows you’ve proven your point to her. When she was no longer able to argue any further, she’d always take her bottom lip with her teeth, nervously chewing on it. Her eyes would dart back and forth to avoid locking eyes with you. Within a couple of seconds she’d sigh in defeat when she knew she’d lost.
“Thank you. Josephina would really like that,” she quietly says, making me smile as I open my eyes.
My smile just as quickly turns into a frown when I remember what it was I wanted to discuss with her. “Kasey, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Do you plan on telling Josephina I’m her father, or did you want to keep it from her?” I ask, bracing myself as I wait for her answer. I’m practically holding my breath at this point, not knowing what her response will be.
“Of course I plan on telling her, but I’m scared of how she’ll react to the truth. You live in San Diego, Joseph. In a couple of days you’ll be going back. Imagine the disappointment she’ll be feeling when you leave,” she points out, her reaction telling me she doesn’t plan on telling Josephina.
I feel angry. I want to tell Josephina. She has every right to know the truth, but deep down inside I don’t have the courage to say it. I might be Josephina’s father, but I’ve been the absent father who only showed up a couple of days ago. Up until now, Kasey has been forced to play both roles of parenting. She has every right to make the decision for both of us of when she will tell Josephina the truth. I’m worried if I’ll ever be a part of Josephina’s life.
“Joseph, you both deserve to know each other, but please remember that she’s a little girl and I’d hate to have her heart broken,” she declares. I can hear the pain in her voice. It’s most likely the same pain she’s been carrying with her since the day I left.
“I’m sorry, Kasey,” I quickly whisper to her.
I hear the beep on my phone announcing another call. When I look at the screen I see Elizabeth’s name and I silently curse to myself. She always manages to call at the most inconvenient times. It reminds me that I need to tell Kasey about Elizabeth. Something I will have to do soon.
Before I can consider continuing the conversation, I hear Kasey say, “Joseph, it’s late and I’m kind of tired from today. I think it’s best we discuss this more tomorrow, okay?”
“I’d really like to spend tomorrow with you girls. Can we start with breakfast?” I quickly ask, hoping she’ll agree.
“Sure,” she answers. “Josephina wakes up around seven, so why don’t we meet here at eight?”
“Sounds perfect, I’ll see you then.”
Ending the call, a couple of seconds later, I call Elizabeth back. Even as she answers, I brace myself. “Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” she snaps at me, clearly irritated.
“I’m sorry, babe. I’ve had a lot going on, that’s all,” I tell her, still thinking about the conversation I just had with Kasey as I ignore her irritation.
“What can be more important than talking to your fiancée?” she whines, making me realize that Josephina doesn’t whine as much as she does. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Josephina whine. Kasey always manages to keep her from doing so.
“Well?” she asks, still waiting for me to respond, breaking my thought.
“Nothing,” I lie to her.
The only way to distract her is to start asking her questions about the wedding, which I do. Before long, she settles down and we’re soon making more plans. An hour later, I have a headache, but I’m finally hanging up the phone.
The entire time I was on the phone, I was wondering how I was going to break the news to Kasey about Elizabeth. One thing was clear; I was going to have to tell her before I left.
I already knew Elizabeth wasn’t going to take the news about Josephina too well, but somehow she was going to have to accept it. Elizabeth will soon be a permanent part of my life and Josephina is too. She’s my daughter and with Josephina came Kasey. There was no doubt about that.
IT’S NOT QUITE eight a.m. yet and I see Josephina’s excitement as she’s looking out of the window, which means Joseph has arrived. I told her that he would come over when she awoke this morning and of course she was excited about the notion of spending the day with him. She immediately got up and dressed herself faster than I’ve ever seen her do before, making me laugh.
Now that I know he is here, I'm beginning to grow nervous. I don’t know why it keeps happening, but it does. I didn’t sleep much, from tossing and turning most of the night. The conversation I had with Joseph kept repeating itself in my mind.
The more I thought about it, the more I was seeing how selfish I was acting by not telling Josephina the truth. The truth is, I’m scared of the repercussions that will come from telling her. She’s so young. I would hate to have to break her little heart when she finds out that he needs to leave. I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing it to protect her. Her emotions and well-being come first, no one else’s.
Watching as Josephina flings open the door that leads to the driveway, I follow her out and see Joseph already scooping her up; a huge smile on both of their faces. Josephina immediately begins to bombard him with plans for the day. He’s probably already feeling overwhelmed from her non-stop chatter, but he doesn’t once interrupt her; instead staying quiet as he nods his head in agreement, taking in every word she says.
He briefly looks at me as he walks both of them in my direction with a smile across his face that makes my body light up inside from head to toe. He stops directly in front of me, with the smile still on his lips, “Are you ready for breakfast?”
I can feel my body heating up. A spark is igniting, that I can feel rapidly roaming throughout my body. I’m rendered speechless when he makes me feel this way. I can only nod my head in agreement to his question as we continue staring at one another; our eyes locked with each other’s.
Josephina’s eagerness to leave reminds me that we have plans, so I quickly head back inside for my purse and lock up; meeting both of them outside. We decide it would be easier to take my car for the day, since it already has Josephina’s booster seat. Before long we’re headed off to the diner I like to frequent for breakfast. During the two hours we’re there, Joseph continued to listen to Josephina’s non-stop chatter. The entire time she’s been giving him a recap of her life, at least what she could remember, with Joseph sole interest focused completely on absorbing every…single…word.
With breakfast done, we soon leave and I’m asking Joseph what he’d like to do for the day. Upon hearing me ask him, Josephina decides to make a suggestion. “Mommy, mommy, can we take Joseph to the zoo so I can show him the giraffes?” she enthusiastically asks, her eyes desperately pleading her request as well.
Looking over at Joseph, I wait for his answer. Without hesitation, he nods his head in approval, making Josephina squeal: “Yipee!” She is so excited. Her reaction makes both of us laugh.
Looking down at her as we walk back to my car, he asks with interest, “Do you like the giraffes?”
“Yes, they’re my favorite animals,” she tells him, “And, the best part is you get to feed them at this zoo. We should hurry since it’s still early and it’s not that hot today. If we wait too long they’ll go into their houses and stay there,” she finishes saying as she continues to tug Joseph towards the car.
Half an hour later we’re all feeding the giraffes their lettuce, listening to Josephina laugh as they eagerly gobble it up from her hands. The entire time, Joseph is laughing along with her as he looks down at her in adoration. He does it often and it comforts me knowing I can see him like this with her. It’s something I thought would never happen at one point.
“Do you girls come here a lot? I noticed Josephina knew her way around without needing a map,” Joseph asks as we begin to walk away, moving on to the next exhibit as we both closely watch Josephina skip a couple of feet ahead of us.
“I try to bring her as often as I can, when time permits. I’ve been bringing her since we moved here. I don’t have very much money and am unable to go on vacations. This is the next best thing for her to expand her mind. I also take her to the library often. I have to go a couple of times a week, so I can use their computers and she can get new reading material,” I tell him.
In the corner of my eye, I see Joseph grow confused. “You don’t have your own computer at home?” he asks, the shock evident in his voice. “How do you do it with your business? I would think you’d need a computer.”
“No, I don’t have my own computer. I do things the old fashion way. I still use pen and paper to keep my records. I didn’t have the money for a computer when I first began, so that’s how I started keeping track of everything. I’ve kept with it,” I explain.
“I’ve depended on the computers at the library since I moved here. They’ve been doing fine since then. I don’t see why I need to spend the money on a computer.”
He’s still skeptically looking at me as we reach Josephina, who is at the polar bear exhibit. “Is it because you don’t know how to keep records on a computer?”
Mortified, I answer, “If I recall, Joseph Mitchell, I was the one who ended up doing all your work during computer class. If it wasn’t for me, I’m pretty sure you would’ve failed that class,” I remind him.
Instead, he tilts his head as his lips go up into a sensual smile that melts my insides. He continues to stare down at me with his hooded eyes locked onto mine. “Of course I remember. It’s the only class I looked forward to
going to because I got to sit next to you,” his husky voice sending shivers down my body.
My earlier feelings return, rooting me in place with his stare. His eyes are weakening me as they always do, making me grab onto the rail in front of me to keep myself upright. I can feel my breath hitch and my body starting to tingle. I can’t take my eyes from his. It’s as if he’s hypnotizing me, demanding they stay focused only on him.
His lip curls up to one side causing my heart to speed up; it feels like it wants to jump from my chest. He’s about to say something when we hear, “Look, look! They put a big block of ice in the water for the polar bear to play with!” from an excited Josephina, now at our side, tugging us both to the window to watch.
Taking advantage of her request, I follow her over to the window, eagerly looking at the polar bear as a distraction to break eye contact with Joseph. Knowing that he’s once more standing at my side, I chance a quick glance back at Joseph out of the corner of my eye. Instead of looking at the polar bear, like I expect him to be, he’s looking directly at me. His eyes are hooded as he focuses on me.
My eyes find his and Joseph gives me a full smile, making me return one to him as well. My smile is out of shyness. His smile though, looks as if it has other intentions, making me wish I knew exactly what those intentions were.
FOUR HOURS LATER, we’re leaving the zoo. As we head towards the exit, Josephina started acting tired, whining that she wanted to be carried. I don’t carry her anymore, she’s getting to heavy for me to do so, but Joseph easily gives in to her request and scoops her up. She immediately falls asleep in his arms, which allows me to admire the priceless moment.
When we arrive at my place, I park my car in the driveway next to my building. Joseph once again helps me carry her from the car and into my building. I watch from a distance as he places her down in the bed for the remainder of her nap, tucking her in, and giving her a kiss. I can’t help but smile at the sight. The way he’s taken to her so quickly, as if they weren’t strangers before this week, but father and daughter the entire time, makes me tear up. I have to turn away so I don’t break down. Walking over to the couch, I sit and wait for Joseph. Before long he’s joins me; the awkward silence growing heavy between us as we sit together.
With Me Page 7
