He breaks our silence by saying, “Thanks for letting me tag along today. It really means a lot to me,” his voice sounding raspy, as if he’s nervous.
I nod my head at him. My mind is still stuck on a particular question that Josephina asked him a couple of hours ago. It’s been on my mind since she asked it. I’d held my breath waiting for his answer, which never came, due to the loud trumpeting sound coming from the elephants we were looking at; frightening all of us into laughter.
Finding my courage, I remind him of the question. “Joseph, you never did get to finish answering Josephina’s question on whether you have a girlfriend or not,” I tell him, bracing myself for his answer.
When she’d asked, I’d noticed right away how Joseph’s body immediately tensed up, as if he didn’t want to reply. The panicked look on his face accompanied with his reaction worried me. I had already sensed his response, but I was still dreading hearing it from him.
The agonizing look on his face tells me he’s most likely going to say yes. However, I never expected the answer he gives me instead. “I’m actually engaged, Kasey. It happened recently, when I got back from Afghanistan. Her name is Elizabeth and we’re supposed to get married soon,” he tells me, looking down at the ground as if he’s afraid to face me.
I can’t clearly see his face, but I can tell by the way he’s raking the top of his head with his hands, his head still lowered, that he clearly isn’t happy about his declaration. I can only sit there, shocked from his admission. I wasn’t expecting it, but now that I’ve heard it, my heart is aching.
He turns his head in my direction. His eyes look dark and saddened, almost as if they are lifeless. I can only sit here, frozen and unable to say anything, as I stare back at him. I feel like the blood has drained completely from my body and my heart has plummeted into the depths of my stomach. The pain of hearing he’s engaged is still stabbing at my heart. I don’t know why the news of hearing that he’s engaged would make me feel this way. He was never mine to begin with. Ever. But the news hurts regardless.
“Congratulations.” I force a smile as I say the words.
“Thank you.”
Taking a deep breath, I make myself ask, “Have you told her about Josephina yet?”
I know he’s only discovered the news, but it’s only fair his fiancée knew he had a daughter. When he removes his hands from his head, he looks over to me looking torn. “I don’t want to tell her over the phone. Elizabeth isn’t going to take the news to well, so I need to tell her in person, but I do plan on telling her,” he defensively states, as if he’s reassuring me out of doubt, as he leans his head back once more.
With my lips formed into a tight line, I take in his response. “Joseph, I think it’s best we wait to tell Josephina,” I tell him around the lump lodged in my throat.
He whips his head up at me, his furrowed brow conveying his frustration. “Because I haven’t told Elizabeth about Josephina yet?”
“When you choose to tell her is between the two of you, but I have to protect Josephina’s feelings. She’s my responsibly and has been since the day she was born. I’m only trying to tell you that I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her, especially knowing that you’re going to leave soon,” I declare.
He looks angry as he replies. “How can telling Josephina she has a father not be a good idea, Kasey? She has a right to know. You’ve kept her from me this long, it’s not fair you continue doing so,” he practically growls at me.
I’m about to argue his point on me keeping her from him, but I hear a surprised gasp come from the bed area making both our heads snap in that direction. We see Josephina standing there, holding her teddy bear she sometimes sleeps with tightly against her chest, her eyes wide in shock. I immediately stand up to go to her side, picking her up in my arms when I reach her.
Holding her in my arms, I try to comfort her. She faces Joseph with a small smile spread across her lips. “You’re my daddy?” she questions him with a raspy voice. Unshed tears are evident in her eyes as I hold her. It’s as if she’s trying to keep herself from crying.
Joseph somberly answers her. “Yes, princess, I’m your daddy,” he says as his hand reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear. “But I didn’t know until the day I met you,” Joseph calmly mummers to her.
She lays her head on my shoulders, still staring at Joseph as she absorbs the news. I can tell by how quiet she is being that she is most likely trying to comprehend everything. I didn’t want Josephina to find out this way and it’s making me angry that she has. I walk over to the couch to take a seat with Josephina, Joseph right behind us.
“I didn’t want you to find out this way, but it’s best you found out before I have to leave,” he quietly tells her, his voice sounding apologetic.
She pulls her head up and her eyes grow wider. “You’re leaving? But you just got here. Where are you going?” she frantically asks, thinking he plans on leaving this very moment.
Forcing her to look directly at me as I say, “Sweetheart, Joseph lives in San Diego remember? He’s only here visiting, which means he has to go back to his home soon.”
I see her grow extremely saddened. I know she’s taken in what I’ve said, but she looks over in Joseph’s direction choosing to ignore me. “But why can’t you move here? With my mommy and me?” she pleads.
He reaches for her, pulling her from my lap to place her into his. “I’m a Marine. It’s a special kind of soldier and we are told to live in certain places of the world. We don’t have a choice where we want to live. They told me I had to live in San Diego for the next couple of years, so that’s where I have to stay. Remember when I said you can come and visit me?” he tells her, waiting as she nods her head. “Whenever I can’t visit you I’ll make sure you and your mommy can come visit me. Okay?” he declares, giving her a forced smile, as if that is going to take all her worries away.
Her eyes are locked onto his. “When do you leave?” she numbly asks in more of a whisper, as if she has to force herself to ask him. It’s the type of question she would have eventually asked, so I’m not surprised. Although I already knew the answer, I brace myself for her to hear his response.
“The day after tomorrow, really early in the morning. So we only have the rest of today and tomorrow to spend together,” his answer paining me as I watch her absorb his response.
The unshed tears I’d seen in her eyes earlier are streaming down her face. My heart feels like it’s once more plummeted to the pit of my stomach. She wraps her little arms tightly around Joseph’s neck, burying her face in the crook of his neck to continue crying. The sight making my own tears come down.
He continues holding her as he rubs his hand up and down her back. I can only sit here, allowing them to comfort each other. I understand the pain she’s feeling right now, knowing that he has to leave soon. I never wanted my little baby to have to experience the pain of knowing that he’s leaving her as well. I had gone through that pain once when Joseph left the first time. When he was finally gone it tore at my heart for days, even months, waiting to see him again.
I never wanted my Josephina to have to experience the same thing, but no matter how hard I tried to prevent it, it’s happening. My poor little girl’s heart was going to be broken at such a young age and I have no control of it. As I continue watching them, I know I’m going to have to stay strong for the both of us. I’ll have to force myself to glue the shattered pieces together when he leaves. Just like the first time.
I ARRIVE AT Kasey’s place, walking up to the front door with the large bag of items I had brought with me to surprise Kasey and Josephina, the Internet guy following closely behind me. I called her an hour ago to tell her I would be arriving soon. I’d left out the part that I had scheduled an appointment for nine a.m. for her Internet to be installed. I didn’t want to give her a chance to protest my decision.
Knocking as I reach the door, with the technician standing at my side, I wait for Kasey to open her door after
firmly knocking on it again. I glance at the technician and he has his eyebrows raised as he questionably looks at me. I ignore him and continue to wait.
Within seconds Kasey answers and when she sees me, her eyes light up. I love seeing this reaction from her. It reminds me of the Kasey I grew up with. Something I’ve loved seeing the last couple of days I’ve spent with her and Josephina. However, when she sees the technician standing next to me she grows concerned.
“Good morning, Kasey. Can I come in, please?” I politely ask her, hoping to distract her from staring at the technician.
Taking another quick glance at the both of us, I see her body relax, opening the door to allow us both in.
The technician follows me in the building, but I stay at Kasey’s side when she closes the door. “Kasey, this guy is here to set up your Internet,” I say, pointing my chin at the technician looking around the interior of the building.
I watch as her face grows confused, “But, I didn’t order Internet,” she says, looking at me, obviously irritated. Her hands are on her hips as she narrows her eyes, most likely already figuring out what I’m doing.
I’ve seen her do it with Josephina to silently scold her. Although it might work with our little girl, it isn’t going to work with me. That expression doesn’t scare me. It only makes me smile seeing how cute it makes her look. She looks like a fierce little pixy fairy planning my demise.
Holding my chuckle in, I tell her, “I know. I did. I want to be able to chat with Josephina through FaceTime when I go back to San Diego and I can’t do that if you don’t have Wi-Fi,” I inform her, still standing my ground. “I called and made an appointment to have it set up.”
Still holding her stance, she looks doubtfully at me, then down at Josephina who has made her way over to our side. Right as Kasey is about to say something, Josephina quickly speaks up by asking. “What is FaceTime?” her curious little mind taking over as she studies the technician awaiting orders. From the look on her face, I can see the little gears in her head coming up with all kinds of justifications.
Crouching down so I’m eye level with Josephina, I explain, “I’ll show you what it is if your mommy lets this man install the Internet,” I tell her, earning me a grumble from Kasey. I know exactly what I’m doing and I’m pretty sure it’s going to work.
Josephina’s eyes light up as she looks up to Kasey. “Please mommy?” her pleading blue eyes begging her as she tugs at her arm. Her lip is now pouting, making me chuckle when I also look at her.
She looks torn as she looks between Josephina and me. “Joseph, I don’t have a computer or device that requires it and I can’t afford the Internet. It would just be an extra bill for something I won’t use,” she argues.
Standing up to speak with her, I take a deep breath. “Kasey, you don’t have to worry about paying for it. I made sure to put the bill in my name. They have my credit card information on file so I’ll get the bill directly. You don’t have to worry about anything,” I inform her, my eyes now pleading with her. She looks back up at me and I quickly add, “I already thought about the other things you mentioned and I’ve come prepared,” I say holding up the large bag I have in my hand.
Her lips go flat and she looks skeptical. I know I’m close to bringing her walls down, so I continue trying Josephina’s approach and simply beg. “Please? It would really mean a lot to me to be able to chat with Josephina every day,” I say pouting my lips for good measure, which only earns me another grumble.
I see her sigh as she shakes her head at me while smiling. “Fine, you win.” She accepts her defeat as she looks back down at Josephina giving her a nod, making Josephina jump up as she pumps her fist in the air. Kasey and I both laugh at her reaction.
Looking over to the technician, she asks him, “What do you need from me?”
Turning my attention over to the technician, I see him smiling with satisfaction.
“I need to know where your cable outlets are, ma’am,” he tells her.
She looks at me doubtfully, before rolling her eyes, as she begins to walk towards the living area.
The technician takes one look at me before saying, “Good way to break her down man,” he says pointing his chin at an eager looking Josephina standing next to him, waiting for him to make his next move. He walks away as she follows him, curious to see what he’s going to do. He looks down at her following him and chuckles.
Yeah, I know I played dirty to make her cave, but I would do anything possible to keep in touch with them. Going straight to the couch I start pulling out the new iPad mini I bought for Josephina and a MacBook Pro for Kasey. I lay them out on the coffee table, since the X-box I had purchased the other day is still in the bag. I’ll set it up for them in a couple of minutes. Josephina has soon returned to my side, curious at all the new gadgets I’ve brought. I quickly begin explaining how to use the iPad mini to her and within minutes, she’s maneuvering her way within the apps with an excited smile on her face.
Half an hour later the technician is leaving and I’ve already set up everything for them to start playing with their new toys, including the X-box, to the small flat screen that Kasey has.
Kasey makes her way back to the couch with me; her eyes go wide in amazement because of the things I’ve brought with me. “What is all this?” she confusedly asks, taking in all the objects.
“Just some presents I bought for you,” I casually say.
She takes her lip in between her teeth as she continues to take everything in. “Joseph, I’ve already told you, I don’t feel comfortable accepting these expensive gifts from you.” She conveys her discomfort by looking down at the laptop like it’s going to bite her any minute. Josephina is already playing a game from one of the apps on her new mini, and from the excited squeal she makes, I know she’s passed the level.
Kasey is still hesitantly standing to my side, glancing down at everything, then at me. “Kasey, please. I don’t care how much money I spent on them. All that matters is how much we’re all going to benefit from them. I know you said you didn’t need a laptop, but I didn’t like the idea of you not having one of your own for your business. I’ve already set up the software you need to help you manage your expenses and it comes with a video tutorial in case you need it. I have an iPad, as well as an iPhone like you. So I'll be able to FaceTime with you girls every day. That way I won’t feel left out with Josephina,” I explain. She’s still looking at me with uncertainly, so I continue. “Kasey, please? I might not be able to be here physically, but if I can at least see her on a screen, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about being two thousand miles away,” I declare, the resentfulness of knowing it will only be through a screen is clear in my voice.
Seeing her quickly sigh makes me smile because I know I’ve won. I like winning in these kinds of situations with Kasey. They might not be huge victories, but they’re big enough to make me feel better about leaving; even if just a little.
“Okay, but at least let me pay you back for the laptop. I can’t pay you for the full amount today, but I can send it to you in installments,” she sternly demands, but I only chuckle as I shake my head at her.
She’s about to argue, but I cut her off with a stern, “No,” as I hold my hand up to stop her from speaking.
I watch her grow irritated, but I only ignore her as I reach for her hand to force her to sit on the couch. She doesn’t protest, but does grumble as she pulls the laptop towards her. With a smile I turn my focus on Josephina, acting as if I’m concentrating only on her, but in the corner of my eye I’m still watching Kasey.
Her once tense body now relaxes, and she proceeds to explore the features on the laptop. I can see her eyebrows drawn down in concentration, making me smile knowing it’s another victory to add to the list.
An hour later after I’ve showed both of them how to use the FaceTime feature and seeing the smile of Josephina’s excited face when we test it, proves every penny I spent was worth it.
We play with their new toy
s for another hour and Kasey decides to cook lunch when Josephina voices her hunger. After we’ve eaten, Kasey and I play the X-box with Josephina for another hour. I take in their smiles and laughter, trying to absorb them deep into my memory; knowing it will be a while until I physically see both of them in person. The thought hurts more than I expected it to.
We spend the rest of the day together. We take a walk around town as Josephina shows me all her favorite places to explore, followed by eating dinner and ice cream for dessert. The day couldn’t have gone better, but on the way back to Kasey’s I see Josephina starting to get tired, her eyes growing droopy as she rubs at them. I can tell she’s desperately trying to fight off falling asleep and I know why. It’s the same reason why I don’t want the day to end. It’s the last night I get to spend with them.
Upon arriving, I ask Kasey to allow me to put Josephina to bed. I selfishly want to be the last person she sees before she goes to bed tonight, but it’s more so I can keep the memory for myself as well.
I sit with Josephina holding her tightly in my arms. The dreaded conversation I was trying hard to delay comes up as her eyes grow glassy looking back at me. “Do you really have to leave tomorrow, daddy?” she asks, a tear escaping her eye. I wipe it away with my thumb, feeling just as torn as she looks.
I can’t answer around the lump that’s formed in my throat. The only thing I can do is nod my head. Hearing her call me daddy melts my heart. It’s still new to my ears, but it’s the sweetest name she can call me. She only started calling me daddy this afternoon on our walk. When she said it for the first time, it shocked us both, but it was soon followed by a giggle; making us all smile. Deep down inside I felt like crying the moment I heard her say it. It only made each passing hour unbearable, knowing I was going to leave.
With Me Page 8
