With Me

by Gabbie S. Duran

  I AWAKE THE next morning still feeling exhausted, but the couple of hours of sleep I’ve managed to get helped clear my mind. That is until I hear a deep voice coming from the kitchen area. My mind already recognizing it the minute I hear it. It’s soon followed by Josephina’s soft giggle. Knowing Joseph is here, after I told him last night not to return, makes me irritated. My entire night of relieving stress is completely gone.

  Josephina most likely let him in this morning.

  Forcing my body to sit up, it immediately notifies me it’s upset with me for not resting last night. My body feels stiff and sore, just as badly as it did the first couple of days I was in the hospital. I can already tell from the extreme discomfort, I will be punished for not listening when I was told to rest. Managing to finally get my body to sit up, I swing my legs over the side of the bed, but that’s proving more difficult than I’d thought with the tenderness.

  Taking in a deep breath as I try to stand up, a sharp pain travels through my body, with an ache in my chest where the stitches used to be. It’s the primary source of the pain. I let out an excruciating groan as I wince. My body just as quickly collapses back down on the bed, causing me to sit on the mattress in defeat. I’m forced to take deep breaths to push the throbbing away. I’m so lost in the pain I don’t notice Joseph has rushed to my side and is now kneeling in front of me, his face looking worried and torn. He frantically rakes his hands over my body, as if searching for something.

  “What’s wrong? Where are you in pain?” he asks, his voice matching his worried eyes. His hands reach for the hem of my shirt to lift it up and I quickly push them away, refusing to allow him to lift it.

  “I’m fine,” I snap at him, more from a reaction of the pain than anything else.

  Our eyes lock as I take in his concerned expression. “I only want to check your wound and make sure it hasn’t opened up,” he calmly states, already reaching for the hem of my shirt again.

  “My wound is fine. I’m just sore.”

  His lips go flat as his eyes narrow at me, as if he’s debating whether to argue with me or not. He sighs as his hands rest on the sides of my hips, lightly gripping me, as if to keep me from moving. I learned my lesson from my earlier attempt, my pain still reminding me of the mistake.

  With his eyes gazing at me, the pain has now disappeared. It’s now replaced with the heat traveling through my body from his touch. It’s making my body come alive with excitement. The butterflied feeling is floating in my stomach as I close my eyes to allow the sensation to flow throughout my body.

  Joseph’s sobered voice makes me open my eyes back up. “Kasey, please tell me what’s wrong? I can see it in your face that something is wrong,” he mumbles, also sounding worried, making me feel guilt ridden for making him feel this way.

  It’s heartbreaking to see him this way. I hate how he can easily make me feel torn between staying angry with him and wanting to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. If only I could tell him it’s not the physical pain that’s making me look this way, but the pain from wanting him so badly; knowing I have no chance at all.

  Remembering he’s not supposed to be here in the first place, overcomes my thoughts. “What are you doing here, Joseph? I told you last night not to come around until you had the results for the test and I meant it. I refuse for you to be playing mind games with Josephina,” I angrily relay to him.

  His face turns regretful as he deeply sighs. “You’re right, Kasey. There doesn’t need to be a test to prove that Josephina is my daughter. I don’t want one now, or ever. It was a mistake to ask for one. I should have never doubted that Josephina is my daughter,” he soberly states as he lifts his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear, our eyes deeply locked onto each other. “You would have never lied to me about something like that and I should have listened to my gut when it told me so,” he says, his voice laced with the pain matching his pleading expression, begging me to forgive him.

  Regardless of how much he regrets asking for the test, I simply can’t forgive him for asking in the first place. Not yet. “You think it’s that easy? You change your mind and everything will go back to the way things were before? I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for asking in the first place, Joseph,” I say, my blood already boiling. I allow it to take over, needing the reminder of why I’m angry with him in the first place.

  His shoulders slump forward. He turns his head to look at Josephina sitting at the table eating her breakfast, my eyes averting to the same direction. When she notices us both looking at her, she waves to us with a mouth full of food and a smile already forming on her little face.

  My eyes find Joseph’s again and I see them filled with threatening tears. “Please, Kasey. I already regret asking. I know it was a mistake, but please don’t make me pay when it comes to Josephina. I’ll do anything you ask, but don’t keep her from me.”

  His plea brings tears to my own eyes. My vision is now blurred as the tears begin to fall down my face. Speaking around the lump formed in my throat, I tell him, “You have every right to be in her life, Joseph, but it has to be your decision, not one that I forced on you.”

  “I won’t ever feel forced to be her father, Kasey. That I promise you.”

  The truth of his statement is clear in his eyes as he holds his gaze on me, making me smile. When he returns the smile, the fluttering resumes, making me hate how easily my body surrenders to the simplest things he does. I’m jealous of his fiancée, knowing she’ll be able to feel this way everyday.

  “I’m fine now. Please let me up,” I firmly tell him, dislodging his hands from my waist. My mind knows I need to put as much space between us, before I give into my temptation of doing something I’ll regret.

  Allowing me access, he pushes his body away, helping me to stand with him. I purposely keep my eyes averted from his, already knowing if I don’t, I will succumb to my weakness.

  Both standing now, his face grows serious. “Kasey, I see what you did last night,” he says, breaking the silence between us as he points his chin at my workstation. “You’re supposed to be getting your rest and obviously you’re not listening,” he scolds me as if I’m a child, his voice growing deeper with disappointment as he reprimands me. He’s shown me exactly how Josephina feels now.

  “I couldn’t sleep. To tell you the truth, there is no one to blame for that but you,” I throw at him, feeling the need to defend myself. “So I figured I’d get caught up on work.”

  I hear a low growl come from deep within his chest. “You’re right. It is my fault,” he mumbles.

  Hearing him admit I’m right should make me feel overjoyed, but I don’t, it only saddens me to remember why I’m upset in the first place. Yet, he finishes by saying, “You’re not resuming your work until you’re completely healed up, or until I say you can.”

  My mind is racing with ways to argue with him. I’m about to protest when he places his finger on my lips, preventing me from speaking. “Anyway, you can’t work if you’re not here,” he says with a mischievous smile.

  Now I’m confused. Where the hell would I be if we're not here? “You’re both coming back to San Diego with me. I thought about it and you’re right, I need to keep my word to Josephina and show her the beach,” his confidence in my accepting his decision clear as he shrugs his shoulders. “Whether you want to come or not is up to you, but I’m keeping my promise to my daughter,” he declares without a challenge.

  My eyes again go wide in shock. “You can’t do that,” I practically shout at him.

  “I already purchased both your tickets last night. You have until tomorrow to decide if you want to come with us,” he declares with a smile before turning to leave me gaping at him.

  I open my mouth to dispute his decision, but I see Josephina already running towards him. He catches her as she launches herself up at him, her eyes beaming from excitement.

  “Is it true? Are we really going back to California with you, daddy?” the question filled with an
animated squeal.

  Joseph chuckles at her, his eyes looking just as excited. “Yup,” he says to her before looking back to me. “That’s if your mommy says it’s okay.”

  They’re both looking at me with pleading eyes, waiting for an answer. Why is he doing this? He knows if I say no, her disappointment would be aimed at me. I don’t want to see her disappointment return if he leaves without us. I’d barely been able to endure her sorrow the last time he left. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle it again.

  “Yes, we’re going to California,” I say to her, the words practically burning my mouth as I say them.

  Joseph’s eyes beam back at me as his lips go into the widest smile I’ve seen him give me. Josephina wraps her tiny arms around his neck, happily squeezing him. With his eyes still locked onto mine, he silently mouths, “Thank you.” Making me weak all over again, this time for another reason completely.

  I SWEAR, THIS morning I feel as if Kasey is testing my patience. It’s the day we’re scheduled to fly to San Diego, but the trials these two girls put me through are going to break me. They’re lucky they aren’t one of my Marines, or else I would’ve had them crying mercy from the punishment I’d be putting them through.

  At least her clients wouldn’t be missing anything. Kasey had me running around like a damn errand boy yesterday, making sure everyone got their deliveries. Kasey insisted everyone have their orders before she left.

  I’d lost count of how many times I had to lecture them this morning, reminding them we needed to be at the airport early. But Kasey would simply ignore my demands, pushing my limits.

  Another thing Kasey kept doing was double checking to make sure she had everything she and Josephina would need for the trip. I lost all patience with her, finally scolding her. I told her whatever she was missing I would buy it for them in San Diego. I just wanted to leave already, earning me the silent treatment from her. Regardless if she was quiet or not, she was still cute when she was mad.

  I caught her sticking her tongue out at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. It happened more when I continued to lecture her to bring only what she absolutely needed as she was packing yesterday. What she didn’t know were all the times she made me smile when she was doing it. I couldn’t resist keeping my eyes on her, though. My eyes were always drawn to her like a magnet, wanting to watch her. She still had the same pull on me she had when we were growing up.

  Now at the airport, with the rental car now dropped off, I’m finally able to relax a little. Although we made it to the airport on time, it’s only because I’d practically rushed Kasey and Josephina out the door this morning, fearing we would miss our flight. These darn girls would never make it in the military with the way they drag their heels. They had no concern for being on time. I wanted a quick direct flight back to San Diego, needing to get them there as soon as possible. So I’d made sure to book our flights out of Milwaukee, not wanting them to deal with any layovers along the way. It was the reason why we needed to be out of her door on time.

  Looking to my side, I see Kasey staring off into the distance. She’s no longer ignoring me, but quiet for another reason completely. I had another dilemma on my hands; Kasey was terrified of flying. Something I didn’t know until today.

  “Daddy, do you think I’m going to be able to sit by the window? I really want to see the sky,” Josephina enthusiastically asks from the other side of me, as I take a peek in her direction, making me smile at her eagerness of wanting to get on that plane. “I made sure of it, princess,” I answer her.

  My eyes look over to Kasey. She’s biting her nails. Her breathing looks labored as her eyes continue staring off into the distance. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her like this today. She had that look on her face the whole two-hour car ride here. That’s when I’d discovered her fear of flying. She was a nervous wreck and her nervousness was escalating as the clock drew closer to our departure time. It was clear on her paled face she had no desire to get on the plane.

  Seeing her with that expression made me want to take her nervousness away, so I’d reached over and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly within mine. With Kasey’s hand in my own, I’d forgotten the true reason why I was holding it: to help calm her nerves. I was so lost in the thought of how good it felt to actually hold her hand. It was the first time I had ever been able to do it. I was instantly addicted to how it felt, not wanting to let go.

  Remembering how I wanted to do it again, I reach up to take her hand from her mouth, entwining our fingers together hoping it will help calm her nerves. She looks over to me, a forced smile plastered on her face, making me grin. She doesn’t give me the same reaction though, but narrows her eyes at me with a fierce scowl. I bring her hand to my lips placing a soft kiss on the back of it, ignoring her expression. I know why she’s mad, but there’s nothing she can do about it. She’s getting on that plane.

  With a forced smile still on her face, I know she’s still trying to hide her fear.

  “Kasey, are you going to be okay with the plane ride?” I hesitantly ask her, already knowing from how wide her eyes grow and the terrified look on her face, she isn’t. I have to force myself to bite back the laughter that is building up inside of me right now.

  With the mention of the word plane, her eyes go as wide as saucers and her face grows pale. I know it’s not from excitement, which is the reason why I want to laugh.

  I didn’t know this was her first plane ride. I thought she had taken one when they shipped her up here to Wisconsin, but she informed me her parents had sent her by bus. It led to the conversation about her non-stop sickness from the smells on the bus. It added to my list of reasons to feel guilty for not being there for her during her pregnancy. I swear it feels as if the list of things to feel guilty about is never going to end with every new fact I learn.

  Kasey forcefully nods her head as I squeeze her hand, trying to calm her nervous state. I want her to know I’m here for her. She gives me a genuine smile, making me return the same to her. A couple of seconds later they announce the boarding call for our flight and her body stiffens, her saucer eyes returning.

  Shaking my head, with a smile on my face, I pull her up with me as I stand, keeping her hand tightly in mine. Josephina jumps up with excitement when she sees us stand, already understanding we’re finally ready to board. Kasey groans as I try to pull her towards the gate door refusing to move with me, attempting to keep her body rooted to the spot.

  Laughing as I reach down to pick up Josephina’s booster chair off the ground, I hear Kasey say, “I don’t know what you find so funny, Joseph,” she scolds. “What if something is wrong with the plane and it malfunctions? What if it happens to be my luck that this plane has a bomber on it? I don’t want to die in the air.” She practically shouts.

  Dropping Josephina’s chair, I grab Kasey’s face within my palms, forcing her to look at me. She grabs for my wrist with her hands, trying to pull them away, but I firmly hold onto her face as I look down into her deep blue eyes. “Kasey, first of all you can’t be saying words like bomb or bombers at the airport,” I whisper down at her hoping that airport security isn’t rushing towards us at this very moment, ready to take us away for her earlier comment. “And I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be allowing us to board if there was anything wrong with the plane. I’ve traveled many times by plane and I know it’s probably the safest way to travel. Safer than a car,” I tell her with a raised eyebrow, remembering her recent car accident.

  She considers my words. I feel her body finally relaxing while her fierce grip loosens from around my wrist. She briefly closes her eyes, just as quickly opening them as she deeply takes a breath.

  I ask one last time. “You going to be okay now?” It takes her a couple of seconds, but she responds with a simple nod, and I’m happy with that.

  Looking down I see Josephina standing next to us, looking confused. I let go of Kasey’s face to reach down for Josephina’s hand, taking Kasey’s hand with my other.
It forces her to reach down and take Josephina’s booster seat before I pull her away, practically dragging her towards the entrance of our plane.

  We’re in the plane and I already feel relieved I have her inside it. Finding our seats, I go straight to making sure Josephina is safely buckled into her booster seat next to the window, as requested. Of course Kasey takes the aisle seat, wanting to be as far away from the window as she can be, leaving me in the middle. Normally I would hate this seat, preferring the aisle so I can stretch my legs, but I wasn’t going to complain this time. As long as it made Kasey happy, and less nervous, she can have it.

  The roar of the jet engines grow louder as we begin to taxi down the runway and I feel Kasey’s hand start to grip mine with a fierceness that conveys her fear. I allow her to squeeze it as tightly as she wants as I focus on Josephina, who is now starting to look a little frightened as well. The plane starts to gain speed and Josephina grows more excited. The second it starts to climb, I hear an excited gasp from both of them. I can’t help but smile because, for the first time, I’m actually experiencing a first with both of them and it feels so good. It’s the best feeling in the world to experience it. I can’t wait to experience more firsts with them.

  With the plane now in the air, I manage to calm Kasey to the point where she is no longer scared. Josephina is looking out of the window, taking in the view of the clouds in the sky, as we start to make small talk about the different shapes and sizes; making it a game between the two of us. The hours quickly go by and when I think everything is going fine for the remainder of the flight, the plane picks up a bit of turbulence, causing it to shutter and slightly drop elevation.

  The pilot’s voice comes over the intercom announcing for everyone to take their seats and buckle up due to the turbulence. We do so, but the only thing I can think of at this moment is, why does this have to happen to us? Especially since I already know Kasey is scared out of her mind, probably thinking the plane will crash down at any minute.