Broken Hearts

by Rebecca Jenshak

  The lights are still dimmed and I’m the only person here. With both the hockey teams and our season being done, I can finally have a little bit of that solitude on the ice I’ve been wanting all semester long.

  Admittedly, it isn’t as great as I thought it would be. I was used to keeping people at arm’s length before Rhett. I used a lot of things as an excuse. Needing to skate, my heart condition, and probably a million other things, but he changed me. I don’t think I can ever go back to believing that I’m better off on my own.

  I’m strong enough to skate, to love, to give someone all of my heart—every imperfect piece. I just hope that when he comes out on the other side of this, he can accept it and accept me.

  Every imperfect piece.

  35

  Rhett

  It’s quiet at the rink. Summer camps haven’t started, and few people come in before late afternoon when school is done for the day.

  “Probably feels small after all the big arenas you’ve been skating in the past four years.” My mom appears at the gate.

  “Still my favorite.” I stop in front of her. “Anything you need me to do? I could help with one of the classes later?”

  “We’ve got it covered.”

  “I know you do, but I’m here, I might as well help.”

  “You’re not on the payroll for another month.”

  “Mom, come on. Let me help. I heard you and dad complaining about the coach for Ryder’s class. I can jump in there.”

  “I know that you’re eager to be useful while you’re here, but that’s not why you came, and I don’t want to have to replace you if you decide to go back. If you want to help today, fine. But just for today.”

  “I’m not going to up and leave you high and dry. I love this place.”

  “And it will be here in a month or two when you’re ready.”

  It’s exasperating not having a purpose to the day. For years it’s been school or hockey, and now I wake up each day, do whatever classwork I need to finish and submit so I can still graduate, and then come to the rink. I’m here when it opens and usually when it closes, but my mom has been adamant that I take this time for myself.

  Officially, my role will be teaching private hockey lessons and working the camps. I’m excited to start. I have all sorts of plans for expanding the rink and making it better, but she’s probably right. I used Sienna as a crutch in Valley and here I’m doing the same trying to keep so busy I don’t have to really deal with it. I’ve been home for almost two weeks and still I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

  “Have you gone to see Cory and Cam yet?”

  I hang my head and give it a shake. The look she gives me says more than her words ever could.

  “Oh, shoot is that the time?” She glances over my head to the clock on the wall. “The repair guy still hasn’t shown up and I have to get your brother in ten minutes.”

  “I’ll get him.”

  She gives me that look again.

  “Fine, then at least let me call the repair guy, and I will call Cory tomorrow. I promise.”

  She’s out of choices and she knows it. “Invite them to dinner this week.”

  “Mom, you don’t have to—”

  “It’s going to be hard. Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.” She straightens. “That locker room door has to be fixed today. We have a peewee hockey game here tomorrow morning and I need a working door. If they try to put you off, call someone else.”

  “I will manage. Go.”

  I give up after I get three answering services and one person who says they can do it, but can’t get out until the week after next. Digging through the maintenance closet, I find tools and head off to the boy’s locker room.

  The mammoth solid wood door is heavy as fuck. I’m sweating and swearing as I try to remove it from the hinges.

  “Anyone here?” someone calls from the front doors.

  “Hang a right,” I call and rest the door against the wall, thankful the repair guy finally decided to show his ass up. It’s probably going to take two of us to get it back on.

  I wipe my hands on a rag as he steps into view. His jeans are far too clean to be the repair guy and there’s no toolbox in sight.

  “Rhett?” He juts his chin.

  “Yeah. Who are you?”

  He grins. A cocky smirk that flickers recognition in my brain. “Elias.”

  * * *

  “To what do I owe the pleasure? Wait, does Sienna know you’re here? She’ll be so pissed I met you before she did.”

  “No, she doesn’t know, but actually I met our girl last week.”

  “Really?” I smile, picturing Sienna’s face meeting her best friend after all this time.

  He nods. I get the sense he’s not going to give me more details unless I pry.

  “How is she?”

  “Oh no. You won’t get any info out of me.”

  I chuckle. “Fair enough. Wanna tell me why you’re here then?”

  “In time, Robbie.”

  “Kind of far from Toronto to swing by.”

  “We’re training in Auburn for the next two months. It’s my partner, Taylor’s hometown rink.”

  “Well, if you’re not going to tell me why you’re here, wanna grab a side? This door is sticking. A little kid couldn’t get out last night. Major catastrophe.”

  Elias snickers. “I’ll bet.”

  We work together to replace the warped hinge and then get the door back on.

  “Thank fuck,” I say when we test it out and the door swings open without issue.

  I toss him a dirty rag to wipe his hands and then grab a couple of stray chairs and motion for him to sit while I do the same.

  “Place isn’t half bad.” He sits and glances around the arena.

  “It’s been in my family for four generations. Skating and hockey camps in the summer, classes year-round, and we rent it out for teams.” I have a lot of plans to expand and bring in more revenue opportunities, but in time.

  “Reminds me of the rink I grew up skating at.” His gaze continues to roam. “She almost came to see you.”

  “She did?” My heart kicks up a notch at just the idea.

  “She talked herself out of it. Decided you needed to work out your shit on your own.”

  I nod. I guess I did say that, and I meant it, but in the time we’ve been apart, I just feel like I’m slogging through mud. I’m slowly losing my mind, or what’s left of it, anyway.

  “I miss her.”

  “But?”

  “I don’t want to drag her down with me while I work through my shit.”

  “Because you don’t think she can handle it physically?”

  I stare at him.

  “Her heart condition? It’s cool, man, I get it. I can’t tell you how many people have walked away because it’s more than they can deal with. If you and Sienna have any chance together, you’re going to have to lean on her. You’re going to have to trust that she’s strong enough.”

  “Of course, she’s fucking strong enough. I didn’t leave because I don’t think she’s healthy enough to deal. Fuck. Is that what she thinks? I’m angry and sad, and she doesn’t deserve any of that. She’s an angel.” My angel.

  “Do you want to know what makes me and Sienna so close? What makes any two people close, I’d wager?”

  I don’t respond, but he keeps going. “Going through challenging shit together. Being vulnerable and letting the other person see all your fucked-up-ness. For Sienna and me, it’s our heart condition. We get to say things to one another—scary shit—that we can’t admit to anyone else.”

  “Cross my heart, hope to die.” I do the X over my heart I’ve seen them do a dozen times.

  “Exactly.”

  “This is different.”

  “It really isn’t. She just wants to be there for you—whatever you need. You said it was coming here so she let you go. She’s a tough chick. She’ll always give you what you need, but is that really being thousands
of miles away from her? You’ve been through some shit and I’m sorry for that, man. Truly. But girls like Sienna don’t come around very often. I suggest you get your shit together, Rhett, and go get our girl before I have to see her sad face one more time when I call. I’ve got my own problems I need her to focus on.”

  I chuckle knowing that’s exactly how Sienna and his relationship goes. She helps him. She’s his rock.

  He stands and offers me his hand. “I have to get going, but I’m glad I stopped by. You’re not half bad, hockey player. Don’t make me regret liking you.”

  * * *

  The following night, Carrie’s parents come over for dinner. When we’re finished, we all go outside. My mom and Cory walk around admiring the new garden mom put in this year. Dad and Ryder are playing catch in the yard, and that leaves me with Carrie’s dad, Cam, sitting on the porch. I’m just waiting for him to dig into me for missing the funeral.

  “School already done for the year?”

  “No. Two more weeks to go. My professors are letting me turn in assignments remotely.”

  He nods thoughtfully. “Planning on going to graduation or are you going to skip that too?” He gives me a look as he lifts the bottle to his lips. Cam was in the military, a sergeant, and he has this glare that makes a man want to piss himself.

  “I don’t know,” I say honestly. I wipe a sweaty palm on my thigh. “I’m sorry that I left. I should have been there. That’s why I came back. I know it doesn’t change anything, but I felt like I needed to be here.”

  “How many lefts are you going to take to try to make it right?”

  “I’m still going to graduate even if I’m not there. I don’t need to wear the cap and gown. I don’t even need the degree.” Not really. I’ve always known I wanted to work at the rink and someday take it over completely.

  “And you don’t need to go to a funeral to grieve. If you’re looking for absolution from me, you won’t find it. Hell, you don’t need it. I know how much you cared about my daughter and that’s enough for me.”

  I swallow. “Thank you, sir.”

  Knowing he doesn’t hate me, is a relief but it doesn’t make me feel as good as I hoped.

  He asks about the rink, hockey, school. We bullshit and keep the conversation light until my mom and Cory wander back over.

  “We should probably get home,” Cory says to Cam. She smiles at me. “It was good to see you. Stop by the house sometime, huh?”

  “I will.” I get up to walk them out.

  Cory hugs me, a little teary-eyed.

  At the front door, my parents follow Cory out to her car, still chatting away, and Cam hangs back to shake my hand.

  “You know, most celebrations in life aren’t really about the person you’re supposed to be celebrating. Funerals, baby showers, graduations.”

  “Your point?”

  “There are few things I was looking forward to more than watching my baby girl walk across the stage and get her college diploma.” He squeezes my hand a little harder. “Understand what I’m saying?”

  I glance at my mom and dad. “Yes, sir.”

  He hugs me. I think it’s the first in all the time I’ve known him that he’s ever embraced me. It’s not his style, or mine, but something tells me he isn’t hugging me right now. He’s hugging the closest thing to his kid he’s got left. So I hug him back and then I go inside and pack my bags.

  36

  Rhett

  The early afternoon sun soaks up the dew on the grass and birds chirp in the distance. The soil underneath my feet is still new and the grass hasn’t had a chance to grow yet.

  “I thought I’d know what to say by now,” I whisper to Carrie’s headstone. “I guess… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to be your friend after everything we’d been through. I’m sorry that I hurt you because that’s never what I wanted.”

  I let out a sigh and look up at the blue sky. “I’m mad at you, Carrie. I’m so mad at you for getting in the car. I know that doesn’t make any sense. I hoped someday we could be friends. Maybe that was wishful thinking. I don’t know.”

  “It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why you? Why now? You were going to do such incredible things. That much I know for a fact.”

  “Your parents are going to be okay. Don’t worry about them. I’ll look after them. I wasn’t always a good friend, I probably wasn’t always a good boyfriend either, but you’re the first girl I ever loved and I’ll never forget you.”

  I back away from the grave and then turn to get in the car.

  “Are you okay?” my mom asks when I’m seated in the passenger side.

  “Yeah. I’m okay.”

  She hugs me. She’s been doing that a lot lately. I think Carrie dying hit us all in different ways and I don’t know when we’ll feel normal again. Not today, that’s for sure.

  My mom starts for the airport and I swivel in my seat to face Ryder. Ever since I announced I was leaving last night, he hasn’t spoken to me.

  “I’m going to miss you, Ry, but I’ll see you in two weeks for my graduation, and then I’ll be back for good.”

  The only acknowledgment I get that he heard me, is him turning his head farther away from me to look out the window.

  “I was wondering if you wanted this?” I pull the Bruins hat out of my bag. “I bought it for someone a long time ago, but she didn’t really like it.” I lean closer to him. “She wasn’t really a fan of the Bruins, can you imagine?”

  “You never could resist teasing her about the Bruins winning the Cup that year.” Mom smiles at the memory. Yeah, I guess I had bought it as a joke, but she held on to it and giving it to Ryder just feels right. He didn’t know Carrie that well, but I think she would have wanted him to have it.

  He squirms and eyes the hat in my hands. “It’s like yours, but cleaner.”

  “Yep.” I hold it out to him, but he still doesn’t take it.

  “I’ll tell you what. I’ll set it here and if you don’t want it, just put it back in my room later, okay?”

  Finally he looks at me. “Are you going away like Carrie did or are you really coming back?”

  I can’t speak for a few seconds as I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m really coming back.”

  He doesn’t look convinced so I unbuckle and crawl through the opening between the seats to the back.

  “What in the world?” My mother laughs as I try to squeeze through. It is not easy.

  “You’re too big.” Ryder giggles as I struggle to sit beside him.

  And I laugh too. It feels good. I put the hat on his head and then hit the brim of mine against his. “I’ll see you soon.”

  * * *

  I get back to Valley late Sunday evening. Adam picked me up and I had him bring me straight to the arena. I knew she’d be here. I could feel her and every step closer to the ice feels like I’m rushing to the finish line. She’s it for me. She’s my endgame.

  When I see her, it takes my breath away. Hiding in the shadows, I put on my skates and watch her glide around the ice. My heart hammers in my chest, and my stomach is in knots. It’s crossed my mind that she might not be nearly as excited to see me as I am her.

  She stops in the center of the ice. Her chest rises and falls as she catches her breath. She places her hands on top of her head and scans the arena like she’s memorizing it.

  Fuck, I missed her. I missed the way everything feels better when she’s nearby. I thought I was relying too much on her, like she was a drug that I couldn’t live without. I was so scared that staying would destroy us both. But the truth is, I can live without her. And she can live without me.

  We were both doing just fine on our own two months ago. I don’t want to be fine. I want to know that I have a partner that will let me lean on her when life kicks me in the teeth. And the same for her. I want to be her person and kick life in the teeth when it tries to mess with her.

  Slowly, I walk toward the plexiglass. Seconds or minutes pass as she stands th
ere center ice taking it all in.

  The click of the gate catches her attention and her eyes widen slightly when I step out. It’s the only indication that I’ve caught her by surprise.

  “Rhett.” My name out of her mouth sets every part of me on fire.

  “I thought I’d find you here.”

  “Habit.” She still hasn’t moved. “You’re back.”

  I go to her. “Yeah, I’m back.”

  “How are you? I mean… did you do what you needed to?”

  “Truthfully? I’m not sure. I’m still a little lost.”

  “I get that.”

  “Some days I feel like I dreamed the whole thing. I feel guilty and sad. I’m pissed at myself and at the world. I’m even pissed at Carrie which I realize makes me sound like the worst possible asshole.”

  “You’re not an asshole.”

  “I’m going to try my hardest not to be, but I’m still figuring out how to move forward. Basically, I’m a mess but I want to be here with you.”

  “But you said—”

  “I was wrong. You were trying to tell me that it was okay to unload on you and I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. Everything is better with you. And that isn’t me not dealing, that’s just the honest truth.”

  “I know you think I’m broken, that my heart makes me weak, but it doesn’t. I can handle it.”

  “I don’t think that. I never thought that. I didn’t leave because I thought you weren’t strong enough. I left because I wasn’t sure I was. You are the strongest chick I know. The strongest person I know. Your heart isn’t broken. You’re not broken. I hate that I ever made you question that.”

  “When people get close to me they realize one of two things: that there’s a good chance that I might die or they internalize it and realize they’re not bulletproof either. Which are you?”

  “I’m both. I can survive a lot of things, but not living without you.”

  She blows out a breath and a small smile curves her mouth. “Wow. You should disappear more often.”