by Anna Sugden
That had been invaluable during his time in billets and throughout his hockey career. It had probably helped his marriage survive for as long as it had. For sure it had allowed him to ignore the problems.
But the downside was that it had made him cautious of what he had with Sapphie. That she was so special to him, that she’d made him feel things he’d never experienced before, had been terrifying. Finding himself in unfamiliar territory, he’d retreated into the defensive habits he’d honed so well.
Scott could see that Sapphie had done the same thing. They’d both been protecting themselves from the hurt of being let down again. And nearly lost it all.
Well, that was about to change.
Scott leaped to his feet and stuck a fresh flip chart on the wall. He was surprised that his hand trembled as he wrote the number one at the top of the page. This was the most important action plan of his life. His future and his heart, his happiness, depended on it.
* * *
THE WEATHER IN London matched Sapphie’s mood perfectly. Gray, drizzly, miserable.
Not that she’d seen much of the city since she’d arrived two days ago. Other than the limo ride in from the airport, she’d seen little more than the inside of her hotel room and the serviced office that Marty had rented for the duration of the acquisition project. The cab rides to and from dinner each night had given her brief glimpses of a few famous landmarks and she’d managed to see one of the well-known red telephone boxes.
Still, she had a long month ahead of her, so she could get out to play tourist at some point. There was no reason to go back to the United States now.
Sapphie pushed her chair away from the hotel room desk and turned to look out the window. The bright, pulsing lights of the winter fairground in Hyde Park in the distance reminded her that this was supposed to be the festive season. Normally, she liked Christmas, but this year she was with Scrooge and would be glad when January finally rolled around.
Maybe she’d have gotten over Scotty by then.
Her short, humorless laugh echoed around the room. Given how much she missed him, how much he’d dominated her thoughts and sleepless nights, that didn’t seem likely anytime soon.
Sapphie couldn’t believe how deeply she’d been affected by their breakup. Even though they’d been together such a short time, it felt like a piece of her heart had been cut out. Her body ached, as if she had the flu. She couldn’t concentrate for long, as her mind would invariably return to that final conversation. Reliving and reworking it. Trying to find a way to change the outcome. Of course, she never succeeded. She never stopped Scotty from walking out of her apartment and her life.
Logically, she knew it was pointless. What was done was done. She should move on.
Yet she couldn’t. More important, she didn’t want to.
If only she could put things right without giving up the independence she’d fought so hard to achieve.
The alarm on her phone pinged, reminding her she was supposed to meet Marty in the hotel bar. He’d asked to get together early, before they met the others for dinner. Sapphie hoped he hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t at her best. She’d tried not to let her personal issues affect her work but knew she hadn’t been as on the ball as she should have been.
Maybe it wasn’t about that, she tried to reassure herself as she freshened her makeup. Maybe he wanted to talk about buying her business. She’d barely thought about his offer, and when she had, she’d found it hard to decide either way. Crazy, since not long ago, the answer would have been a no-brainer.
Downstairs in the dimly lit bar, Marty was seated in the far corner in one of a pair of leather armchairs with a glass of bourbon on the table beside him.
The nervous twisting of her stomach eased a little when he grinned broadly as he stood to greet her.
“Thank you for joining me, Bella Sapphire. What can I get you?”
“Sauvignon blanc, please.”
They chatted briefly about the day’s meetings, which had gone well. The owner, having played hardball until he decided to sell, was now bending over backward to make things easier. There was still a lot of work to do evaluating the soccer club, especially all the associated holdings, but she was quietly confident that the sale would go through in the New Year.
Maybe by the time the deal was done, she’d be back to her normal self.
Sapphie was caught off guard when Marty fixed her with a searching look and asked, “Is something wrong? You’ve been quieter than usual these past few days.”
Embarrassed that she hadn’t done as good a job of hiding her feelings as she’d hoped, Sapphie tried to laugh it off. “I’ve never been good with travel across time zones, especially this direction. My body clock takes a while to adjust, so I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Somehow, I don’t think this is jet lag.” He rested his elbows on the arms of the chair and steepled his fingers. “We’ve known each other a long time. If you need to talk to someone, you know that you can speak to me in confidence.”
“I’ve always appreciated your friendship, advice and discretion.”
Marty knew pretty much everything about her, especially her past, and had never said a word. Nor had he used it against her in their dealings. But this wasn’t something she wanted to discuss with anyone. Not even Issy.
“I’ll be fine. Just got some issues to sort through.”
“Okay. As long as you know that you’re not alone. In our game it’s crucial to have someone whose ear we can bend when necessary. I’d never have lasted as long as I have without Gloria.”
“You’re lucky. Your wife is a special woman.” She wished she knew their secret. Maybe it would have helped her with Scotty.
She couldn’t resist asking, “How do you manage to balance work and home, without both suffering? You and Gloria make it look so easy.”
“Don’t be fooled,” Marty said. “It takes work. I recognize what she gives up to support me, and try to make sure I do as much as I can to support her. I try never to take her for granted.”
The joy in his eyes when he spoke about his wife was lovely, but it also poked at Sapphie’s pain. She’d thought that was the kind of relationship she and Scotty were building. How had it gone wrong so quickly?
“Gloria’s my sounding board and my conscience. She keeps me grounded. She tells me I give her pragmatism. I help her cut through the emotions and worries, to help her see a clear path.” He smiled fondly. “Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, I speak to Gloria at least once a day and always have. No matter how late it is when we’re finished, we always share our days. The highs and the lows. I can’t go to sleep without saying good-night to her.”
“There must be more to it than that.” She didn’t mean to say that aloud.
“It’s that simple and that difficult.” Marty’s gaze was too knowing. “What you have to remember is that work comes and goes. So does money. But love, real love, is constant. Nothing is more important than the one you love. Because once you lose them, all the work and money in the world won’t make up for the loss.”
His message hit uncomfortably close to home. “What if you’ve already lost them?” she asked quietly.
“You try your damnedest to win them back.”
“And if it’s too late?” Her throat tightened, so her words were barely more than a whisper.
“As long as you’re both still breathing, it’s not too late.” He patted her hand. “I’ll tell you a story. Years ago, when I was starting out, I fell in love with a girl. She wasn’t anything like what I thought I needed for my wife. She was a thunderbolt and lightning strike rolled into one. Boy, did she shake up my world. But I wasn’t brave enough to follow my heart. Instead, I went for the woman I thought would best suit a man with my aspirations.”
He sighed. “Big mistake. I wasn’t unhappy, but
I knew inside that I wasn’t as happy as I could have been if I’d been strong enough to make a different choice.”
He was silent for a few minutes.
Sapphie couldn’t help thinking about what had happened between her and Scotty. Had she made the most appropriate choice instead of the right one? For sure she’d chosen the easier path. The one she’d assumed would be the least likely to cause her pain.
How’s that working out for you?
Marty grinned, startling her. “Of course, I was smart enough to realize my mistake before things had gone too far.”
“What did you do?” She leaned forward, desperate to hear something she could use.
“I risked it all for the woman I loved. Knowing that I might end up alone—I’d have preferred that to being with the wrong person—I broke up with my fiancée and went after Gloria.” His smile turned rueful. “She didn’t give in easily, which was only fair after I’d let her down so badly. But I kept after her, proving over and over that I wouldn’t go away, until she forgave me. I’ve made sure she hasn’t regretted it since. There isn’t a day goes by, even after forty years, I’m not grateful that I had the balls to fix my mistake.”
Do you? The question, unspoken, hung in the air.
“You have to decide, Bella Sapphire, what’s the most important thing for you and what you’re prepared to do to get it. Trust me, whatever it is you’re scared of won’t seem so bad if it means you and Scotty are back together.”
Her jaw dropped. How did he know?
Marty winked and tapped the side of his nose.
Unfortunately, they couldn’t discuss it further, because the rest of the team arrived for their predinner drinks.
Suddenly, Sapphie needed to be alone. She had to think. To figure out what she really wanted from her future. To understand what she was afraid of. To see, once and for all, if there was a way to make things work with Scotty.
Knowing Marty wouldn’t mind, she pleaded a headache and excused herself.
In her room, she paced the floor. Her mind jumped all over the place. Finally, she resorted to what she did when faced with business problems—she got out her flip chart and started brainstorming. She jotted down her thoughts, filling page after page, until there was nothing else in her head. Then she took a step back and looked at what she’d written.
Just that easily, several things became clear.
She didn’t want commitment because she was scared of losing what she had.
Her whole childhood had been spent a step away from being homeless and starving. When her parents had been flush, they’d spent lavishly and filled the house. As the money had dwindled and the call of the booze had grown louder, her parents had emptied the house and hit the pawnshops.
Sapphie had learned the hard way not to get attached to anything, because she wouldn’t have it for long. She’d schooled herself to pull back from her home and her parents. Sapphie had been seven years old the first time she’d squirreled away what she might need, packed a bag with essentials and hidden it away from the house, just in case. Seemed like she’d never stopped waiting for the worst to happen.
It was a small step from that to not getting attached to a man.
The thing was she no longer needed to be scared about any of it. She’d been self-reliant since she was eighteen. Even if she never got another contract, she had enough money put aside and invested to live comfortably for a reasonably long life.
What’s more, if the worst happened and she lost everything, she would survive. She was strong. She was resilient. Okay, and damn stubborn, too.
The time had come to stop being scared of what she might lose and embrace what she might gain. To start taking the same risks and make the same commitments in her personal life as she was prepared to for her business.
On a fresh sheet of paper, she started to make a list of what she wanted to do. Make her home base in New Jersey. No matter what happened, her mind hadn’t changed about that. And she was definitely going to buy a place. And set up an office offshoot.
Her business? She still hadn’t decided whether to sell or not. But she knew she wanted it to continue to be secure, not just for her but also for her staff, and she wanted the flexibility to run it how she wanted. Could Marty give her that? She planned to find out.
Which left Scotty. If she committed to him, it meant accepting her future would be tied to him. Whether or not marriage was in the cards, this commitment was certainly for as long as they both should live. That didn’t sound scary. In fact, it sounded pretty good.
Did she love Scotty? The fact that she was prepared to join her life to his suggested she did. The misery that had grabbed her soul when they split was another clue. She missed him, she didn’t want to be without him and her life was fuller, more complete, with him in it. He made her feel good, both inside and out.
If that wasn’t love, she didn’t know what it was.
The realization caused warmth to spread from her chest to her whole body, filling her, making her feel like she’d been chilled for a long time. Too long. And with that warmth came happiness and a sense of rightness. She hugged herself, then twirled round and round until she collapsed on her bed giddily.
“I love Scotty,” she said aloud, then giggled at her silliness.
She had to get him back.
Sapphie sat on the bed cross-legged and looked at her list. It was a solid plan. It would bring her everything she wanted. Make her life how she wanted it to be.
Yet something was missing. It felt as empty and cold as her body had.
Why? What was wrong? What had she forgotten?
The more she stared at it and at the other charts covering the walls, the more she began to feel like those walls were closing in on her. It was all too controlled. Too tightly constrained. There was no emotion. No heart. No joy.
She couldn’t fail, couldn’t lose anything, but she couldn’t soar either. And for all her planning, the one thing that stared out at her was that everything on that final chart was for her alone. It looked lonely.
What was missing was Scotty. He was on the list, but he wasn’t a central part of it. He wasn’t integral to each point.
Because her biggest fear wasn’t just of losing what she had but of losing herself.
That was when she knew how important Scotty was to her. Because he was the one man who wouldn’t let her lose herself. He’d be her lover, her partner, her sounding board, her conscience and her anchor. He’d also be her inspiration, her motivation and her champion. Committing to Scotty wouldn’t take from her but would give to her. And she’d do the same for him. Together, they would be more than they would be alone.
That was love.
Suddenly, Sapphie knew how she could prove her love to Scotty.
She pulled the charts off the walls, tearing them up until only the action list remained. Taking a red marker, she put a cross through her list. In the space at the bottom, she drew a big heart with “S + S” inside. Then she took the page off the wall and folded it carefully and put it inside her purse.
Finally, she grabbed her phone and dialed Marty’s number. When he answered, she said, “I can’t make the soccer game on Saturday, but I’ll be back for Monday’s meetings. I have to attend a funeral.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
IT WAS RAINING ICE.
For the first time in his life, Scott hated the stuff.
He glared at the steel-gray heavens and cursed the cosmic irony as frozen rain clattered off the mahogany casket. He welcomed the biting pain as ice chips hit his face. It matched the pain in his heart.
The small-town cemetery was filled with big men wearing suits covered by parkas and overcoats, standing awkwardly. The hockey world, especially the parts that Bullet had touched, had turned out in force. The whole Ice Cats team had come, including the
backroom staff. Representatives of all the teams Bullet had played for and of the leagues those teams belonged to stood side by side with his family and the townsfolk.
Knowing Cam, he’d have rolled his eyes at the fuss. Off the ice, he’d never liked being the center of attention.
A low keening sound broke the silence.
Laurel, who had been stoically dry-eyed throughout the funeral, faltered as Bullet’s coffin was lowered into the dark earth. Supported by her two sons, brawny young men who looked like their father, she reached a pale hand toward the crossed hockey sticks—worn, taped and marked with Bullet’s name and number—that adorned the lid.
“No-o.” Her cry echoed around the bleak cemetery when the casket disappeared from view. “Please, no.”
It took both sisters to hold her back, grabbing her tightly around her waist, when she tried to throw herself toward the deep hole. When the funeral director offered her a wooden box of earth and a small shovel, Laurel shook her head. Instead, she kissed the red rose she’d clutched all day and let it drop onto the coffin.
Scott’s chest tightened; his eyes burned.
Beside him, Grey swore under his breath. “Damn it, Bullet. How could you do this? Why didn’t you call?” His voice cracked.
Scott laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder. He’d asked the same questions over and over. He’d carry the same heavy load of guilt for the rest of his life.
Still, in a quiet voice, he repeated what Laurel had told him last night. “Cam was sick for a long time. The medication wasn’t helping and he hated the side effects. He wasn’t in pain, but the growing debilitation was eating away at his pride and, emotionally, it was slowly killing him inside. He knew the prognosis wasn’t good—he wasn’t going to get better—and he tried to put on a brave face for so long.”
Grey sighed heavily. “It’s hard to believe there’s nothing we could have done. That this was the only way he could end his suffering.”
