by Anna Sugden
Sapphie couldn’t argue with that, much as she wanted to. There was no point trying to fix something that only one of them wanted to work. “If only there was another way.”
“Yeah.” He ran his thumb across her cheekbone. “But we both know there isn’t.”
She turned away. She bit down hard on her lip to keep from saying something she would regret. From promising something she couldn’t deliver.
“I should go.”
Determined to be strong until he’d gone, she said brightly, “Of course. You must have a lot to do.”
“I don’t regret any of our time together. Only that it can’t work.”
Because he wouldn’t bend and she couldn’t be what he wanted. “Take care of yourself.”
“I’m sure we’ll see each other around.”
In a fit of childishness, she wanted to say “Not if I see you first,” but merely nodded. She walked to the front hall and waited for him to collect his stuff and join her.
He reached past her to open the door, then stopped. He leaned down and pressed a brief, hard kiss to her lips, then walked away quickly.
The hollow thud of the door closing echoed the thud in her heart. She leaned against it for several moments, unable to move. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Her throat ached.
Then, slowly, she slid down to the floor, staring ahead unseeing.
She couldn’t believe it. The one time she’d broken her own rule and this was how it ended. She should have known—she had known—but she’d done it anyway. She’d actually begun to trust Scotty. He’d made her believe in them and the possibility of a relationship, a future, together. Then, like everyone else, he’d let her down.
Somehow, the disappointment and sense of betrayal were worse than they’d been for all the others. Sapphie was tired of always being the one who coped. The one who soldiered on.
She couldn’t be strong anymore. Sapphie lowered her head onto her knees and, for the first time in her adult life, she cried.
* * *
WHOEVER HAD SAID that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved had been talking out of his ass. Scott would have been better off not knowing how good love could be. Because, yeah, he’d finally figured out that he’d fallen in love with Sapphie—when it was too freaking late. What he felt for her far surpassed the emotion he’d previously called love.
Yet that night in Chicago, every time he opened his mouth, he’d made mistake after dumb-assed mistake. His mind had been so screwed up he couldn’t think straight, let alone fix the disaster he was making of a conversation that had quickly spiraled out of control. Grief and guilt over Bullet’s death had twisted his insides every which way. He’d tried not to lash out but couldn’t stop himself.
All he could see was that once again he’d come up second-best for a woman.
It hadn’t helped that he could hear Bullet’s voice in his head reminding him that it was all downhill now that his playing career was done. Then there had been Laurel’s voice warning him not to settle for less than what he wanted. Celine, Angela—they’d all had their say, too.
Now, sitting in his den in a dark, silent house, he understood how people went insane. The cacophony of voices had messed with his head so badly that he’d struck out blindly.
Fear of losing Sapphie had only made things worse.
He’d thought that if he didn’t change her mind, they’d drift apart and he’d end up alone, miserable and back where he’d started.
So he’d held on tight. Too tight.
He’d ignored his years of experience as a captain and the countless times he’d mediated battles in the locker room. He’d tossed aside the logic and reasoning he’d been famous for. Tossed aside the knowledge that sometimes it was better to retreat and rethink the tactics than to keep plugging away with a plan that wasn’t working.
Instead, he’d been a complete and utter jackass. So damn fixated on what he’d thought was the only answer that he’d lost sight of the heart of the issue. He and Sapphie should have been fighting side by side, not against each other. Together they should have been stronger than they each were alone.
Then he’d made the biggest, dumbest mistake of all—he’d walked out on the best thing that had ever happened to him. And man, was he paying for it.
In the days since he’d returned home from Chicago, he’d been lonelier than he’d ever been before. It was worse than when Celine had left him. There was no sense of relief or peace. Just an awful emptiness that made every inch of his body ache.
The pain of loss cut deep. Every time he thought about Sapphie, it was like pouring acid on the wound. There wasn’t a place he could go that he didn’t think of her. Home, work, the arena, the city. Even the grocery store and the local pizza place brought back memories. His brain was filled with snapshots of their time together. Smiling, laughing, kissing, making love. Reminding him that not only had it not been bad, it had actually been pretty damn good.
Scott had thought about calling her so many times but had made stupid excuses for why he shouldn’t. The time difference with England—she’d be in meetings or sleeping. She wouldn’t want to hear from him. She’d hang up. She’d be with some amazing English guy who didn’t have Scott’s hang-ups and who was happy to take advantage of what he’d thrown away.
He ground his teeth as he imagined a man who looked like that famous actor everyone was crazy about, smiling at her, holding her hand, making love...
The doorbell rang, providing a much-needed interruption from the mental torture.
He frowned as he pushed to his feet and lumbered through the house. Who the hell was bothering him tonight?
A pair of familiar shadows was visible through the glass in his front door. Just what he needed. Not. Still, he opened the door.
Kasanski and Rivera pushed past him and into the house.
“Come in. Make yourselves at home,” he said sarcastically as his friends headed straight for the kitchen and the drinks refrigerator.
They didn’t blink when he slammed the front door and stomped after them.
“Grey’s right.” Chance pulled out three beers and handed them around. “It’s worse than we thought.”
Ice Man shook his head. “Never thought I’d see the day. You’re a sorry mess, bro.”
Scott twisted the cap off his bottle and took a swig. “Is there a reason you came over, other than to drink my beer and insult me?”
“We came to give you the benefit of our wisdom.” Kasanski clapped him on the shoulder. “Not a minute too soon, by the looks of it.”
Scott snorted. “This’ll be the best laugh I’ve had all week. Grab a seat and have at it.”
Chance walked to the living room. “Either you have to remodel or you need a new place. This one looks as comfortable as a bed of nails.”
He wasn’t going to admit he agreed with his friend. “So you’re not only Dr. Phil but an interior decorator, too?”
“Just telling it like it is, man. Seriously, do people actually sit on that or is it just for show?” Chance dismissed the sofa, which was as hard as it looked, with a wave of his hand. “I’m going to your den.”
While his friends plopped down on the leather couch, Scott leaned on the back of the matching armchair. “I’m listening.”
Ice Man pointed his bottle at Scott. “Uh-uh. You need to talk first. Starting with what happened with Sapphie.”
Scott inhaled sharply at the acid-on-the-wound sting. “I thought you knew everything.”
“Only that you’ve been dragging around like a dog who lost his bone for the past couple days. Bad enough that Doreen called and told us to straighten you out.”
That explained a lot. He hadn’t seen any of his former teammates since the flight from Chicago. He’d kept to himself on the plane—put on his headphon
es and pretended he was dozing so no one would talk to him. Or see what a mess he was in.
He’d stayed away from practice and gone to the game last night only to schmooze a potential big new sponsor. The Cats had been after the guy for years, but he’d become interested only after they’d presented the new program. The new program Scott had worked on with Sapphie.
Damn it. Just like that his chest squeezed so tight he could hardly breathe.
“Spill already,” Kasanski said.
“There’s nothing to tell. We...uh...broke up.” It was the first time he’d said the words aloud. “It’s over.”
“Why? In Columbus you said you thought things were going well.”
“More fool, me. Turns out we wanted different things.”
Chance gave him a disbelieving look. “Cut the crap. Seemed to me you wanted the same thing. What went wrong?”
“Okay, you’re right,” Scott admitted. “We didn’t know how to get what we wanted. We had different ideas for making it work. Ne’er the twain, et cetera, et cetera.”
“How come? You’re both smart and grounded. You should’ve been able to figure it out.”
Knowing he wouldn’t get away without telling his friends the whole story, Scott explained what had happened. He told them what he’d said, how he’d been feeling and what thoughts had been crowding his head. He didn’t pull any punches. Not about what an idiot he’d been or about how he wished he could put it right but didn’t know where to even start.
“Let me get this straight—you blew up your relationship because she’s going to England for a month?” Ice Man looked shocked.
It sounded even dumber put that way. “It wasn’t only about the next month, it was about the future. I get pushed aside every time. Her job, her career, her clients always come first.”
Chance shrugged. “Hasn’t hockey come first since the moment you laced up your first pair of skates? I know it has for me.”
“But what about your twins? You were left to take care of them alone and they’ve been your priority ever since.” Chance would walk barefoot through fire for his girls.
“They’re important, for sure. But as much as I love them, I still have to put myself first on some things. If I didn’t, I couldn’t continue to play hockey. I’d be home all the time, looking after them. And that wouldn’t be good for them or me.”
Scott was confused. “But you always do what’s best for them.”
“Do I?”
“For sure.”
“I do the best I can. For all of us.”
“You’re splitting hairs.”
“Am I?”
“Explain.”
“Leaving aside the financial issues, if I gave up my career, I’d begin to resent them because I’d want to be doing the job I love. And I’m not Superman. I can’t do it all. Hell, I can’t cook more than the basics and I’m not the greatest at keeping the house clean. But I pay someone to do those things for me so I can do what I need to. It’s a win-win. Do I make sure I’m there as much as I can be? Of course. Am I involved in everything I can be? You bet. Is it perfect? Not always. But it’s the best compromise.”
“I understand that. But my situation is different. Sapphie isn’t twin toddlers. I can’t hire a housekeeper or a nanny and make our problems go away.”
“The principle is the same, numbnuts.” Kasanski rolled his eyes. “Even I can figure it out. You want to be with Sapphie, don’t you?”
“Damn straight.”
“And, crazy as it sounds, she wants to be with you, too?”
Fighting through the pain, he thought over the nightmare conversation and realized that for the first time in their relationship she’d been the one pushing him. The one trying to find a compromise. She was right—she had been doing most of the giving and he’d been happily taking. She’d switched her schedule, arranged meetings in different locations and taken late-night and early-morning flights to spend time with him. He’d done his part, but it hadn’t been as much. Truth was it hadn’t been nearly enough.
Not only had he been a childish jerk, he’d been unfair to her. “She did. Whether or not she still does...”
Ice Man waved his hand dismissively. “Sure she does. So all we have to do is find a way to make it work that suits you both. How hard can that be?”
“Talk about stating the freaking obvious, Ice Man. The problem is her company is based out of Chicago, but she has contracts all over. She won’t even commit to an apartment, let alone settle down or get married. How am I supposed to find a solution with all that working against me?”
Chance set his bottle on the table and leaned forward, elbows on his thighs. “Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way. Do you care about getting married again?”
“Not right now. But at some point I probably will.”
“So, deal with that at some point.”
“What if she never changes her mind?”
“Come on, man. What’s more important—marriage or being together? The alternative is never being with her again. Does a ring on her finger really matter so much?”
“Right.” Ice Man got to his feet and walked to the cabinet displaying Scott’s awards. “There’s not one of us here that has had even a quarter of the success in our marriages as we’ve had in our careers. I, for one, would be happy never to say ‘I do’ again.”
“I wouldn’t say never.” Chance shrugged. “You don’t know what’s around the corner. Plus there are my girls to think about. But if it came down to making the choice you have to, I’d ditch the ring for the woman every time. Wouldn’t you?”
Put that way, the answer was simple. “Yeah. I would. But what about the separation? A long-distance relationship can only work for a while. I’m based in Jersey and pretty much all my work is here, except when I have to travel for the team. My home is here. So is my life. And my kids.”
“Seriously? Your life. What life?” Kasanski laughed. “As for your kids, they’re in college. They’ll be gone, without a backward glance, before you know it. And I won’t bother to give you my thoughts on your home. You could sell this place in a heartbeat and move to Chicago or wherever.”
Scott hated to admit it, but Ice Man had a point. “But what about my job? I enjoy it and I’m pretty good at it. Sure, I could get another job somewhere else, but I don’t have the experience to get something similar with another organization. I want to stick with this and try to make a career out of it.”
“Patience, grasshopper.” Chance drained his beer. “Now we know what you do and don’t care about. None of it is impossible and the one thing you’d like to keep is your job. That gives you the perfect basis for a negotiation.”
Kasanski nodded. “You offer to do the things you can and show her you’re prepared to compromise. Then she’ll tell you what she’s prepared to compromise on, too, and you go from there. Maybe she’ll want to set up an office in New Jersey. Maybe she’ll sell to Antonelli and use some of the money to buy a place here or a private jet to ferry her back and forth to you. Who knows? But at least you have a starting point.”
Scott tried to imagine Sapphie’s response. All he could think of was more obstacles. “What if none of it is enough? What if we can’t make it work?”
“What if you do?” Ice Man asked. “Jeez. Since when do you focus on the negative in everything? What happened to our never-say-die captain? Some of us would give our eyeteeth to have half the chance you’ve got.” He stalked to the door. “I’m getting some more beer. See if you can talk some sense into him, Chance.”
When Kasanski had gone, Chance said quietly, “Rick just found out that his ex is getting remarried. To that young guy she left him for. He’s a little touchy because he found out via social media.”
Scott swore. “Will he be okay?”
“I hope so. The drinking
is getting worse, but now that he knows there’s no way back, he might start coming out the other side.”
“Keep me posted and let me know if he needs help.”
“You got it.” Chance cleared his throat and said in a normal voice, “Find out what you can give Sapphie that she really needs. Preferably that no one else can give her.”
Scott thought for a few moments about Sapphie’s past. About what she’d achieved and what was important to her. “She had a rough childhood. I guess she’s looking for security.”
“So what can you give her that represents security?”
“Nothing she can’t get for herself.”
“Sure, you can. Give her you. Your support. The knowledge and confidence that you’ll be by her side when she needs you. That she’ll never have to cope alone again. But make sure you also let her know that you’ll respect her wishes, her boundaries and her independence.”
Scott mulled over Chance’s advice for a while after he and Ice Man had left. He’d nailed it. That was exactly how Scott could prove to Sapphie that he was the man for her and that they could have a great future together. He grabbed a flip chart, stuck it up on the wall and, just like when he and Sapphie had worked together, started figuring out the moves he wanted to make for himself. Then, in a different color, he added the moves he could make for Sapphie. Finally, in a third color, he added the ones Sapphie might want to make.
When he finished a few hours later, Scott slumped on the couch and looked at the picture the charts illuminated. He was chagrined to realize that there were plenty more overlaps than he’d expected. How had he missed that?
The emotionally draining exercise had also helped clarify a lot about himself. In looking to the future, he’d had to analyze the past and he’d come to some interesting conclusions. He’d also recognized some important truths.
Scott had been pretty self-contained all his life. He’d had to be. As much as he loved his mom and she loved him, she wasn’t maternal in the traditional sense. Determined that he’d be able to survive in a hostile world, she’d encouraged his independence. Drilled self-reliance into him.
