Chaotic

by Jadyn Chase

  That broken whisper, that voice from the farthest reaches of my past—I couldn’t ignore it. I sat on the couch next to him, impossibly close, close enough to touch, close enough to hold him, close enough to hide from all the pain and fear.

  “I want you.” Did that secret come from me? He looked up and his eyes widened. “I want you.” Yes! It was true. “I want you, Eli.”

  I leaped at him kissing him as never before. Christ, I wanted him! I wanted him at the warehouse. I wanted him when he picked us up at the train station. I wanted him riding home on his motorcycle. I wanted him all the time, forever.

  I couldn’t stop kissing him. His arms felt beyond right around me. He was here. He would always be here. He would be as here as I let him be.

  I jerked off just as fast. “Promise me, Eli! I don’t want him to be a part of Los Diablos. Promise you’ll keep him away from it until he finds out. Don’t let them come around here. I don’t want him seeing them or knowing anything about them.”

  “What about me?” he asked. “I don’t know how I can….”

  I shook every objection out of my head. “I don’t want him around them. I don’t want him being part of it. What he does when he grows up is his business, but as long as he’s young, I want him to be safe. I don’t want him living the gang life.”

  He trailed one fingertip down my cheek the way he used to, the way he always did. “Okay. I’ll do my best.”

  I almost burst into tears for sheer happiness and joy. I didn’t have to hide anything from him anymore. “I want you.”

  “I want you, too, baby,” he whispered. “I never stopped wanting you. I love you.”

  I compressed my lips to hold back tears. He cradled my face in his broad palm and kissed me. Now I could release the emotion holding me captive. I unleashed my passion on him. He could hold it all. I was safe with him.

  He strapped his muscular arms around my waist and lifted me to meet his lips. I wanted to be all over him at once. I couldn’t be all over him enough. He pulled me nearer smashing my lips with his mouth. His tongue pried my jaws apart and set my brain on fire.

  That tongue electrified my being. I threw one leg over him. I couldn’t stop myself. My insides smoldered to envelop him and take all of him into myself. That was the only way I could keep him with me where he belonged, where I belonged.

  I sat down on his lap and the effervescent desire poured out of me. It commanded me to act, to rub my body against his and rocket to the stars. He answered me biting my lips and scratching up my back and driving me down on his hard package.

  Oh, yeah, he felt good between my legs. I didn’t have to worry about holding it all together around him. I loved him. Now that he said he loved me, I could finally admit it to myself. I loved him. I always did.

  He pulled my shirt up and his fingernails coursed up my spine. They triggered a shock wave that rocked me to my core. I convulsed on his spike and burst into climax. I mewed into his mouth trying to keep quiet against the explosive sparks tearing me apart.

  Before I could recover, he pulled up my shirt, tore off my mouth, and dove inside to bite my breasts through my bra. In a second, he tugged it out of the way and my breast fell into his ravenous mouth.

  I never knew I could respond like this. He sucked and nibbled my nipple to drive me out of my mind. One crushing wave of orgasm after another racked my frame. I couldn’t stop them.

  Eli separated just long enough to lift my shirt over my head. My bra fell away and he attacked my bare breasts with teeth and tongue. I sobbed into his ear trying to make him understand what he was doing to me. I tightened my fist in his hair, but I couldn’t decide whether to pull him off or hug him closer.

  His other hand weaseled down my pants and his fingers drilled into my wet center. Now I really couldn’t hold back. I rode those fingers to my destruction while his teeth dangled me on the brink of insanity.

  I needed him. Fuck, I needed him for my very life. I needed all of him now before I died of longing. I yanked up his shirt and he complied by drawing away. He raised his arms and let me take it off over his head.

  A seething mass of black ink whorled across his chest, up his neck and down his arms. They roiled and foamed in molten waves that spoke of the intoxicating power running in his veins. It frightened me, but that fear got confused with excitement in my sex-starved mind. The fear itself sent streaks of adrenaline through me that tantalized me to greater heights of mad ecstasy.

  I collapsed on his chest and sank my teeth into those patterns. They made my mouth water for him even more. He growled between his locked jaws and shoved me away to stand me on my feet.

  His black eyes drilled into me while he pulled down my pants to reveal the damp triangle where all my desire lived. In a second, he buried his face between my folds and spiked me into outer space with his tongue.

  I teetered on my heels trying to contain so much power and energy blowing me apart. I almost fell, but he caught me and drew me back down on his lap. He sat me on his naked hips where his wicked shaft pointed up at me. It invited me to pour my lust and craving into him and on him and through him. He wanted it. He needed it the same way I did.

  I gave in to the mind-blowing intensity of that thick member filling me up and cracking me in half. I swooned at the impossible swollen might of the thing, but the minute it slotted into place, I succumbed to another cataclysmic wave of climax. I rocked on it trying to understand what was happening to me.

  He clamped his arms around my waist and moved me to his own rhythm. I just didn’t care anymore. Whatever he did delighted me out of my senses. I gave myself to him. Nothing would change that now.

  15

  Eli

  I veered Logan’s chopper through the gate and drove behind the ten-foot razor-wire fence. The boys closed and locked it behind me. I puttered to the open warehouse door and braked to a stop.

  A couple dozen guys and a scattering of women and a few children formed a line next to the warehouse and watched me drive in. I held the bike steady while Logan set his cast on the pavement. Rico and Kane came forward to help him climb off the bike.

  Logan straightened up and fired a grin at everyone. Then he gave a sweeping bow. I switched off the engine and the place erupted in cheers. People mobbed Logan and Miguel got under his arm to support him inside. He flopped down on a couch and someone pushed a beer bottle into his hand.

  The warehouse devolved into a party scene after that. Someone switched on the stereo and dance music drifted into the yard. Strings of paper lanterns lit up the evening and insects buzzed around them. Savory smoke from the barbeque floated to my nose and made me hungry.

  People clapped Logan on the back and hugged him. A few guys sat down on the couch and urged him to recount the tale of our battle against The Furies. Logan spread his arms to resemble wings and mimicked swooping motions. Then he jerked back and forth to demonstrate the fighting.

  I pushed his hog into a corner and set it on its stand. He wouldn’t be riding it for a while until his leg healed up. He deserved a break after the shit he pulled up in Barstow.

  A few people congratulated me, too. They hugged me and punched me in the shoulder, but for some reason, the usual festivities just didn’t do it for me tonight.

  I drifted into the warehouse. Rico sat next to the tattoo machine giving Miguel a new tat of something. A little boy sat on a parked Harley and made revving sounds while he twisted the gearshift. Somethings never changed.

  I sauntered back outside and surveyed the scene. Everyone seemed to be letting their hair down—everyone except me. I meandered out to the gate and shot the breeze with the guards for a while. I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do.

  I returned to the barbeque and got myself two cheeseburgers. I retreated to a low cinderblock wall separating the yard from a drainage ditch behind our headquarters. I sat on it to eat in peace.

  From here I could see everyone and everything, but they just didn’t appeal to me. I couldn’t exactly pi
npoint the problem.

  A lone figure approached me. I turned around to find The Boss leaning in next to me. He held out a plastic bottle of Mountain Dew and looked away. He followed my gaze to observe the festivities. “You’re awfully quiet this evening. Where’s your ride?”

  “It’s back in Barstow.”

  “You did real good up there,” he told me. “I’m proud of you. I’m sorry I didn’t find out about it until after the fact. If I had known, I would have sent you backup.”

  I shrugged, but I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to talk to anybody right now, least of all him. “Turns out I didn’t need it, but thanks anyway. It’s all taken care of.”

  He took a swig of his beer. He didn’t answer for a while. When he did, it came out of the clear blue sky. “You know, I wasn’t so sure about you when you first came down from Barstow. I thought your Pop was too soft on you. I thought any kid that grew up not knowing his roots wouldn’t be able to cut it in this club. You proved me wrong.”

  I whipped around to stare at him. Did I just hear right?

  “I never would have believed one man alone could handle a posse of The Furies the way you did.” He held up his hand. “Don’t bother to tell me you weren’t alone. I know all about it and I still say it boggles the mind. Logan was injured and he would have gone down. You both would have gone down if you hadn’t killed Alfonzo the way you did. You…well, I didn’t want to tell you this to your face, but I’d pick you for a Captain or maybe even a General one day. I can’t think of any man who could pull off a stunt like that. It proves your metal. You’re gonna be leadership one day, son. I know it.”

  I couldn’t answer I was so flabbergasted. Leadership! The bottom line was I didn’t think I could cut it in the club, either. Like him, I thought my upbringing in the desert put me out of the running for an honor like that.

  Now The Boss himself—The Boss!—told me he picked me for a Captain or a General. I couldn’t believe my ears.

  He waited a little longer before he pushed himself off the wall. He slapped my shoulder. “You enjoy yourself tonight. You earned it. I’m proud of you. That’s all I want to say.”

  He started to walk away. I couldn’t let this moment go by. “I have a son.”

  He stiffened with his back to me. When he turned around, his eyes glittered hard and cold. “Where?”

  I hung my head and traced lines in the bottle’s dewy surface. “Up in Barstow. I didn’t know about him. My old high school girlfriend got pregnant and didn’t tell me. The boy is seven years old and he…..he needs me.”

  I didn’t dare look at him. I couldn’t. I dreaded his answer, but when it came, it nearly knocked me off the wall. “Well, what are you still doing here, then?”

  My head snapped up. “What?”

  His mouth cracked a grin, but his eyes didn’t soften. “We’ve got more traffic coming into and out of LA now, and it all goes through Barstow. We’ll need a man up there to handle deliveries and make sure everything is copasetic before they enter our territory. We don’t want another disaster like this one, do we?”

  I blinked at him. “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Why not?” he fired back. “Who better to handle our business up there? You’ll be on your own with no one around to help out in emergencies, but you’ve proved you can handle that. Go on. You’ve earned it.”

  I returned to fiddling with my Mountain Dew. This was too good to be true. “My…my girl…. she doesn’t want Los Diablos around the kid. She wants him to grow up normal-like, if you get my meaning.”

  He clapped me on the back one more time. “Man, don’t I know what that’s like. As long as you wear your colors for business, I don’t see a problem.” He looked around. “You don’t have a ride back up there.”

  I couldn’t hold back my joy. I almost laughed out loud, I was so happy. I never expected him to let me go like this. I never in my wildest dreams imagined an outcome as perfect as this.

  I hopped off the wall. “I don’t need a ride.”

  “How are you gonna get there?” he asked.

  I threw my arms around him and crushed him in a bear hug. “Fly, of course.”

  I let him go and jumped straight up. I dropped the Mountain Dew when I extended my wings and hurtled over the wide sea of lights to the desert beyond LA.

  I streaked across the landscape not bothering to look right or left. I trained my mind on one object. I was free! I was going back to Barstow to stay. Nothing and nobody could stop me.

  I landed in the baseball field next to Christopher’s elementary school. I scanned the shadowy buildings and the empty soccer goals. I went to this school, too. I never thought I’d be glad to come back here. I never thought I’d be glad to face the prospect of spending the next couple of decades of my life here.

  If anyone told me I’d be glad about that, I would have called them crazy. I couldn’t be happier, though. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

  I meandered down the block in no particular hurry. I never needed to hurry again. The next twenty years of my life lay mapped out in front of me. School. Home. Business. Watching Christopher grow up. Helping him with his homework. Teaching him how to hold his own around other guys.

  This life stuff demanded a lot, but I never wanted anything more. I wanted it all. I wanted all the challenges, all the heartache and drama. I wanted every difficult scrap of it. I didn’t want life taking it easy on me. I wanted the worst it could dish out. I wanted to show Ruby and Christopher just how much this thing meant to me.

  I hesitated a long time before I entered the house. I spent every day there for the last two weeks waiting for Logan to recover from his broken leg, but now I felt different. If I walked through that door now, it would herald a new level of commitment for me.

  I would never leave it. I would become Ruby’s partner in life and in parenthood. This would become my house. I understood that at a gut level. No one had to tell me. No one else ever had to know. If I crossed that threshold, I would never go back.

  I would become a different person, too. The old me died—or it would die when I walked in there. I would finally grow up. I would cease being a wayward kid playing with fire. I would finally become…..I would become my father. I would carry his burden and face his fears. I would repeat the cycle, for better or for worse.

  I crossed the street and fidgeted around the gate. I sloped up the walk and paced back and forth in front of the porch for a while. I had to stop and think about each and every move. Did I really want to do this? Did I really want to take this step?

  What if I wasn’t ready? What if I fucked the whole thing up to hell? What if Ruby wound up hating me? What if Christopher turned out to be screwed up for life by something I did? What if he went off and got himself in serious trouble—or worse, got Los Diablos in trouble?

  The more I thought about it, the more the responsibility sank into my brain. Raising a child carried massive emotional stakes. Most people got at least nine months to wrap their heads around that before they had to look their child in the eye.

  Not me. I jumped in the deep end boots and all. My destiny didn’t give me any training period. It all came down to sacking it up and getting ‘er done.

  Right. I took a firm grip on myself and opened the front door. The house slumbered in shadow with no sign of anyone around. I tiptoed down the hall toward the bedrooms. I found the old man’s door shut for the night, but when I turned toward Christopher’s room, I met Ruby coming out of it.

  She started back when she saw me. Her hand flew to her heart. “Oh! It’s you.”

  “It’s all right,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I should have texted you first.”

  She shook her head and waved her hand. “I just wasn’t expecting you back so soon. I thought you’d be gone longer. How did it go?”

  I nodded. “He let me go.”

  Her eyebrows flew up. “He…. what?”

  I eased close to her and put my arm around her back. “He s
aid we needed a man stationed in Barstow to handle deliveries, so I’m staying here for the indefinite future. When I told him about Christopher, he let me go.”

  “Wow!” she breathed. “That’s…. that’s wonderful. Are you okay with that?”

  “I’m delighted. I couldn’t be more delighted.” I leaned in and kissed her. “It means I’m going to be around to annoy you for a long, long time.”

  She gave a soft laugh while we kissed.

  After a while, I pulled off. “Let’s go to bed.” She turned away, but I stopped her. “What were you doing in there? Is everything all right? I thought you’d go to bed early. I wasn’t sure if I should wake you up.”

  “Everything’s fine.” She passed her hand across her forehead. “I got a call from Reggie, the diner manager. He wants me to work this weekend. Tina’s little girl has chickenpox, so he wants me to cover for her. I was hoping the three of us could spend some time together over the weekend, but now it looks like I won’t be able to. At least you and Christopher can do something. It will be good for you to do stuff alone with him.”

  I observed the interplay of stress and disappointment taking turns with her features. I saw that struggle way too much these days. I bent close to her face and whispered low. “Don’t go in.”

  “What? I have to go in,” she exclaimed. “Reggie needs me. He has no one else to call. If I don’t go in, Stan will have to work the whole diner alone.”

  “Reggie will hire another waitress because I want you to quit waitressing. I want you to quit working at the diner, so you won’t be working there over the weekend.”

  Her jaw dropped. “Quit the diner! You’re crazy.”

  “I might be crazy, but I don’t want you working there and I certainly don’t want you filling in on the weekends when you should be hanging out with Christopher and me. Didn’t you say you had to change your shift to nights so you could take care of your dad during the day?”

  “Yeah, but I….”