Back Where He Started

by Jay Quinn

  Susan settled in the chair next to me and sighed. “It’s really not that cold out here is it?” she said.

  “No, not at all. I’m enjoying watching the night come down.”

  “I thought we had all run you out of your own house, you sitting alone out here.”

  “Not at all. It’s actually a trick of mine so I can spend some time alone with each of you rather than fighting for your attention inside.”

  Susan smiled and crossed her legs. “It’s a pretty neat trick, Chris.”

  “How are you? I miss chatting with you like we did back in Raleigh. The job is going well?”

  “Same ol’, same ol’. Too much work, not enough staff to get it done. Every day’s a challenge, but it’s still exciting. I’m enjoying it.”

  “You seem tired,” I said.

  “Do I?”

  “Well, perhaps not quite yourself. I chalked it up to you finally learning not to even try to keep up with all the Ronan holiday drinking.”

  Susan looked at me and gave me a quiet smile. “Actually …”

  “Actually, what?”

  Susan lay her head back and looked up at the brightening stars. The Adirondack chairs seemed to encourage that pose—that recumbent search for the inner thought in the expansive sky. “It’s a secret,” she said.

  “I won’t tell.”

  “Trey and I have been trying to get pregnant. My visitor is a week past due. I’m not making a big deal of it. It’s wa-a-ay too soon to even speculate. But, Chris, I’m so ready for a baby, I’m not going to drink like a fish at Christmas and jinx it.”

  “Have you told Trey?”

  “Oh hell no. A week late could just be excitement over the holiday. No need to trigger his expectations just yet.” Susan giggled like a girl. “I need his trigger for trying until I’m sure.”

  I sat up and leaned toward her conspiratorially. “You know how happy your baby would make me, don’t you? I mean, I know that has absolutely nothing to do with it. That’s all between you and Trey, but I’m genuinely looking forward to being a grand … a grand …”

  “A grandmom? Schooner has you brainwashed with that mommy stuff doesn’t he? Well, you can say it. I’ll be happy for my baby to have you as a doting grandmom. My mother has eight grandchildren already. As much as I’m sure she’ll be excited, she’s already told me she’s been there and done that. You know what she said?”

  “What?”

  “She told me to tell you this one was all yours and you’re welcome to it.”

  I laughed and leaned back, relaxing into my chair. “I love your mother. You tell her for me that I appreciate it.”

  Susan reached for my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “My God, Chris. When she found out you and Zack had split up and you were moving to the beach, all she could do was bitch about losing a fellow grandparent to relieve her of the sitter chores.”

  I laughed and Susan let go of my hand and patted it. “You can expect to have a tiny visitor every other weekend.”

  “Oh darlin’ don’t be so sure about that.” I said.

  “Why?”

  “When that baby comes, you’re not going to want to let it out of your sight. Your whole world will change. When I walked into my prepackaged family, I took one look at Schooner and thought there was no way I could deal with diapers and an infant peeing and puking and crying. Then I held him and I lost my heart. Same thing with Trey and Andrea.”

  “Chris, some people are natural parents—you’re the best example of that I know of—but for me, I’m not so sure. I want a baby badly, but I’m so into my career and my own world, I’m scared I’ll just be having a fashion-accessory child.”

  I looked across the space between us. Her face was illuminated by the glow of light from the French doors behind us—she was beautiful. I took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Don’t let that worry you any, girl. No matter how you work it out, your little fellow will be totally blessed to have you as a mom.”

  Susan leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

  Behind us the door opened and Trey said, “What are you two plotting out here?”

  He strode onto the deck, leaving the door open behind him. “Christ, it’s hot in that house. I don’t have to worry about you freezing to death.”

  Trey leaned against the deck rail in front of Susan and me. Washed with the glow of the light from the house, he was also beautiful to me. I quietly imagined what a lovely baby the two of them would make. Aloud I said, “So what do you think of our house now that it’s done and moved into? I think it’s wonderful.”

  “Chris, I have to admit I was a little frightened at how much money you spent finishing it out, but now that I see what you’ve done, I think you did a great job. Let me ask you something.”

  “Shoot.”

  “Do you remember a few years back when I was helping you wash dishes and I asked you why you had to have All-Clad pots and pans?”

  “Yes. You said the pot you were drying weighed more than Beau.”

  “Well, you quite rightly answered that you’d never need to replace them. You told me if you bought cheap shit you’d just have to buy more cheap shit over and over.”

  “That I did.”

  “Well, that struck me as making a great deal of sense. I think you’ve done well here. This place ought to last a lifetime.”

  “So says my banker, baby. Now, what do you think of it as a home?”

  “Well, Chris. Look at your watch. You notice none of us want to leave and I know for a fact Susan, David, and I all have to be back at work tomorrow.”

  “Thanks for reminding me,” Susan said as she stood. “I’d better go in and start rounding up the troops.”

  “Give me a minute or two alone out here with Chris, will you hon?” Trey said.

  “Sure thing.” Susan gave my shoulder a squeeze, went back into the house, and closed the door behind her.

  Trey took her vacated seat and sighed, as he rubbed his eyes.

  “You’re rubbing your eyes a lot these days, baby,” I said. “Are you just tired or do you need to see the eye doctor?”

  Trey laughed and said, “My eyes are fine, Mom. It’s my head that’s giving me hell. It’s the fucking champagne. It does it to me every time.”

  “Did you find some aspirin?”

  “Yep, right where you always kept it. It’s kicking in. I quit drinking hours ago so I could drive back. I figured since David drove us up here with no sleep, the least I could do was give him a break on the way home.”

  “Good man,” I said.

  Trey half stood and moved his chair so he could look at me. “Chris, we have to talk finances.”

  I sighed, took a sip of my coffee, and summoned my patience for the lecture I’d been expecting all day. “I know I have to get a job. I promise to start looking next week. It’s going to be difficult, I’m sure, so I’m not limiting my choices.”

  “Well, that’s good to hear. But don’t sell yourself short. It is going to be difficult to explain your lack of experience and a resume without going into a huge amount of personal detail. I just want you to know that Carteret County probably isn’t as progressive as the Triangle when it comes to understanding or accepting the lifestyle stuff, okay?”

  “Gotcha,” I said. “I’m going to avoid the particulars if I can possibly help it.”

  Trey leaned forward and put his forearms on his legs, striking a confidential pose. I sat my coffee down and mimicked the pose to let him know I was aware he’d come down to talking cold, hard facts.

  “Chris, I’ve got your money set up and put away like we’ve discussed. I’ve left you a $5,000 cushion in savings and a couple thousand more in your checking account. You’ve only got an American Express card, right?”

  I nodded.

  “Do not accept any credit card offers that come in the mail and let me tell you, they’re going to start pouring in. Stick with the card you have to pay off every month and you won’t get into trouble, okay?�
��

  Like an obedient child, I nodded once more.

  “With nothing but a light bill, cable bill, and a phone bill, you should be okay for a month, maybe two, on the money in your checking account if you live close to the bone. But it’s very important you get some money coming in and fast. As much as I’d like to help you out a little every month, I’m just not in a position to …”

  I waved off the suggestion like a worrisome fly. “Plus, it’s not fair to you and Susan,” I said. “Please know I understand that, Trey.”

  He reached over and patted my leg reassuringly. “I’ve got your new computer set up. You need to read the Dummies book we gave you, okay?”

  “No probs. I played around some on your dad’s. I know how to get on the Internet, do e-mail and stuff, but I do need to figure out more about the programs.”

  “Excellent. I wrote all of our e-mail addresses down for you inside the cover of the Dummies book, okay?”

  “You kids spent way too much money on that computer setup for a Christmas present.”

  “No big deal, Chris. It’s going to be easier to stay in touch with all of us over the Net. Just promise me something.”

  “What?”

  “Please don’t forward me a bunch of jokes and crap. Please, I’m pleading with you.”

  “I swear I won’t.”

  Trey sighed and leaned back into his chair. Regarding me with a regal gaze, he smiled. “You’re going to do great, Chris. I’m very proud of you.”

  “I’m already doing great,” I said.

  “Looks like it. Dr. Heath is a good-looking man.”

  I smiled and shook my head. “That’s no big deal, Trey. Believe me. We’re both just enjoying each other’s company.”

  “So Andrea reports. It’s good to hear you’re not rushing into anything. I think you’ll do a lot better by yourself rather than getting tangled up in a new domestic situation.”

  “I agree with you. It’s the last thing I want or need right now.”

  Trey nodded, then with a solid shift of gears, he continued. “I understand Schooner has decided to date another boy for a while. What’s that all about?”

  “I’ve met him,” I said. “His name is Frank and he’s a good kid. Schooner seems happy.”

  Trey nodded. “Whatever. It’s Andrea I’m concerned about.”

  “Really. Why?”

  “She needs to get over her issues crap and get on with her life. Did you know she wouldn’t let David put up a tree or anything? She’s driving him nuts.”

  “I pretty much figured she was and it’d be a shame if she drove David away. I happen to think he’s the best thing for her.”

  “David’s a good man. I wish you’d have a talk with Andrea, Mom.”

  I noted his slip, but I didn’t remark on it. He was sitting so large and responsible in his seat as head of the family, I didn’t want to do a thing to make him feel small. “I had a nice chat with her a little while ago, Trey. I hope she heard it. In any event, I’ll try to create some more time with her and keep an eye on the situation, okay?”

  Trey nodded, then leaned forward conspiratorially again. “Want to hear something good?”

  I leaned toward him again. “Tell me.”

  “I think Dad is one miserable son of a bitch,” he said mischievously.

  “Well, we knew that,” I replied.

  “No, really, Chris.” He said, quickly becoming serious again. “I think he’s really unhappy with Alicia already. I mean he puts on a good show, cooing all over the new baby and stuff, but he looks tired. He just looks really tired.”

  “So, there’s no fountain of youth in a baby’s diapers, huh?”

  Trey nodded solemnly, then got a look of pure glee in his eyes. “Unless Schooner’s in them.”

  We laughed until everyone, including Schooner, came out on the deck to see what was so damned funny.

  CHAPTER FOUR,

  WINTER

  By the first of February, I’d begun to think that e-mail was not much different from having a particularly demanding pet. I was all caught up in checking to see if I had any new messages and answering them immediately. E-mail was taking over my life. Sure, it was convenient and cheaper than the telephone, but it was also time-consuming, disappointing, and frustrating as hell. I enjoyed getting e-mails from the kids. I really enjoyed getting e-mails from Wade Lee, though his constant exhortations that I should go to this or that gay Web site and embark on a wild online affair got on my nerves. The worst thing was waiting for an e-mail reply and not getting one, especially an e-mail in response to a job query. I was having no luck at all on that front.

  Twice a week, when the local paper came out, I pored over the meager help-wanted classifieds like the Holy Scripture. The few listings were often just as apocryphal and considerably less inspiring. The jobs I felt I could even try for were all minimum-wage positions, and I had to face it: Minimum wage wasn’t even going to support my book habit, much less support the life I’d set up for myself.

  Reading was my favorite escape from the dreariness of the job hunt, the unrelenting gray weather, and my own sense of isolation and frustration. I had long since devoured all the books I was interested in at the Pine Knoll Shores branch of the county library. I discovered Amazon.com for new books and Alibris.com for stuff that my earlier reading had steered me toward, like the Regeneration trilogy by Pat Barker, and all the early stuff by John McGahern and Colm Toibin. Before I knew it, I was ordering out-of-print books by Siegfried Sassoon and Colin Wilson.

  I was becoming decidedly bookish and I hoped for a job in a bookstore or library, but most of the bookstores were closed for the winter or open on only off-season hours. The libraries had more retired volunteers than they had work for. So much for my fantasies of days spent contentedly shelving stock, making coffee, and talking highbrow trash with total strangers. I was looking more seriously at the listings for jobs as kitchen staff or working part-time at McDonald’s when I finally decided to go take a look at Steve Willis’s pups. E-mail and books were certainly diverting, but I was beginning to need flesh-and-blood company.

  I explained all this to Heath, who continued to provide good conversation and occasional sex as the weeks after the holidays grew long in the low winter light. The pier had closed until Easter, so Heath stopped by for breakfast a couple of mornings a week, or stayed on if he’d happened to sleep over.

  “I swear, I knew it was going to be tough to get a job this time of year, but I had no idea how tough,” I said to him one morning.

  Heath poured himself another cup of coffee and looked back at me from the kitchen, “Are you really hurting financially?” he asked.

  “No, not yet. But I’ve got about four more weeks before I have to start dipping into my savings. I don’t want to touch that in case the Expedition goes to hell or, God forbid, something breaks down here in the house.”

  Heath left the kitchen and returned to the table. “I wish I had a line on where to send you, but I don’t know anyone who’s looking for help right now. Everyone is hunkered down for the winter. If you can make it through March, everything will be opening back up again.”

  “That’s comforting, at least,” I said with a sigh.

  “When you live here year-round it’s something you prepare for and get used to. You should see my receipts. They suck.”

  “Well, at least Trey can’t bitch at me for not trying.”

  “Is he giving you a hard time?”

  “No, but he’s rapidly growing into that head-of-the-family role. He’s becoming a little unbearable. Sometimes he makes me feel like a complete ditz who has to be looked after or I’ll wander off and drown or something. I know one thing: I’m never going to let him know if I get sick, God forbid. He’ll have me in a fucking nursing home, and I’m still two years shy of 50.”

  Heath laughed and lit a cigarette. “I think you need to get your mind off yourself. I ran into Steve Willis the other day. He told me he’s got a few puppies for you to c
hoose from. They’re six weeks old now. You should swing by his place and take a look.”

  “You know, that’s a great idea. When do you think I could catch him at home?”

  “How about tomorrow afternoon? Didn’t you say you had an appointment with your priest tomorrow? You could go by on the way home.”

  I thought about it. Puppies were very expensive to start with, and then there was the cost of a new dog crate and shots, flea and tick treatments, heartworm pills. The list was near endless, and I said as much to Heath.

  He ground out his cigarette, drained his coffee cup, and stood. “Look—I’m actually glad to hear you’re going to crate-train the dog. It’ll make it feel more secure to have its own space, and it won’t drive you crazy chewing up all this pricey furniture of yours. I have a crate big enough for a grown Chessie I’ll just give you. You’ll need to hose it down, maybe give it a new coat of spray paint. That’s all it needs. I’ve just given all Steve’s pups their six-week shots and dewormed them, so you won’t have to worry about that again until they’re at 10 weeks. If I were you, I’d think pretty hard about getting it either spayed or neutered. There aren’t any other breeders around here, so that’s out of the question. In any event, by the time you have to worry about that bill, hopefully you’ll have a job or a better chance to get one. How’s that sound?

  I stood up and kissed him. “That sounds great,” I said.

  Heath endured the kiss, which he didn’t usually tolerate outside the bedroom. “Okay, I get it, you’re grateful. No need to mush up all over me. Get me something to write directions on, and I’ll give him a call and tell him you’re coming when I get into the clinic.”

  After Heath left, I washed the breakfast dishes by hand and contemplated puppy names. I always got male dogs, so I thought about the short list: Siegfried, Rhett—I’d just had a Beau—Tonka. Siegfried was excellent, but I was scared it would turn into Siggy.

  Rhett sounded too much like Red. Tonka was pretty cool; it made me think of Trey and Schooner’s bright yellow truck toys. Chessies were stout, big-chested louts. I thought Tonka sounded pretty good; it would work for either a girl or a boy dog.