Back Where He Started

by Jay Quinn

  I didn’t have to wait long. He pulled into my drive behind the wheel of the same car he’d left me in. It sounded like it did then, smooth and purring with the slush of money and success. I hated that goddamn car—the freaking Nazimobile. I didn’t get up to greet him. I just said hello casually as Zack shut the car’s door with its smug whumph.

  “I’m up here on the deck, Zack.”

  “I know,” he said climbing the steps, “that’s what you get for buying a house on a corner by the beach road. Everyone can see exactly where you are on this deck.”

  When he arrived at the top of the stairs, I was amazed at how old and tired he looked. I stood and motioned for him to take a seat in the shade. “Would you like a drink?” I asked.

  Zack nodded gratefully but remained standing. “May I come in and see the house?”

  “Certainly, but I warn you, it’s not at its best. The kids only left a little while ago.”

  Zack just looked at me and shrugged. Following me inside, he stood at the counter separating the kitchen from the dining area and surveyed the living room and the sunroom beyond. “It’s very nice, Chris. You and Wade Lee did a great job. I hope you’re very happy here.”

  “I am, Zack,” I said. “It surprises me, but it feels like home, even after only a few months.”

  “It looks like you. The books, the artwork—it looks like the place I had imagined us retiring to.”

  I quietly accepted the compliments and made him a gin’ and tonic. I knew Zack’s seasonal liquor preferences had ticked toward that particular beverage after a winter’s worth of scotch, switching that very morning. Deciding I could use one myself, I made two.

  As I handed him his drink, I said, “Why don’t we sit out on the deck? It’s the most pleasant time of day between now and dark.”

  Zack nodded and followed me outside. I stood until he had settled into an Adirondack chair under the awning and nudged a footrest within reach of his feet. Then I settled into my own chair opposite him.

  He put his sneakered feet on the footrest and sighed. “You look wonderful, Chris,” he said.

  “Thank Dr. Atkins and Dr. Hauschka. It’s all diet and moisturizer.” I took a sip of my drink and looked at Zack.

  Zack laughed. “No, it’s more than that. I know you, Chris. You really do seem happy and well.”

  “I have been walking a lot. And my liquor intake is down by … well, it’s way down. I think that has a lot to do with it.”

  “Whatever you’re doing, keep it up,” he said.

  Zack gave me a diffident smile, but I knew he was a master at handling difficult clients in difficult situations. “Thanks for all the good words, Zack,” I said. “I know you’re being sincere, but I can’t help wondering what you’re doing here and what you want to talk about.”

  He was quiet for a few seconds, then he said, “I’ve driven by here several times, but I didn’t want to intrude. I just wanted to come by and see how you’re doing. Hell, Chris, we shared a half a lifetime. I thought we might still be friends, at least.”

  I sighed. “I understand,” I said. “There’ve been a few times when it was all I could do not to pick up the phone to tell you something funny or talk to you about something that was giving me some concern about the kids.”

  “You should have, Chris,” he said.

  I smiled and shook my head. “Cold turkey, Zack. No need to drag it all out like that. You were right when you told me we had grown apart. I respect what we had together for so long, but what we’re doing now seems right for both of us, don’t you think?”

  “Still, Chris. You didn’t have to just disappear from my life,” he said. “There are three very real people who are going to keep us tied together for the rest of our lives.”

  “That’s true. But over the past year I needed to get my life started over, Zack. I didn’t really need your input or opinion on that.”

  “No, I suppose not.” Zack looked around him and took another sip of his drink. “I’m being honest when I tell you it looks as if you’ve done a pretty good job of it.”

  “Well, I thank you for that, Zack. I don’t think I’ve done too badly.”

  “You’re enjoying your new job?” he asked.

  “Yes, the people I work for are very nice. It’s casual and it pays well for the area.”

  “Trey says you used your money wisely. You have been able to keep a healthy amount for your annuity …”

  I laughed. “Only because Trey kept me to a budget. How did we make such a little banker, you and I? He sure didn’t get it from me.”

  Zack allowed himself to laugh in reply, then his face darkened a bit. “He tells me he and Susan are going to break tradition and not keep the name running if their baby is a boy.”

  Cautiously I said, “Well, Zack, I’m really not trying to be a bitch, but Alicia sort of co-opted the name, didn’t she? How many little Zacks can there be running around the family? You have two sons named after you. If they name the baby Zack, he’ll have a grandfather and two uncles with the same name. My God, can you imagine explaining that to the little fellow? He’s a handsome little boy, I meant to tell you.”

  Zack sighed, apparently willing to let me steer the conversation away from that minefield. “I have to tell you, it’s been a long time since I was around babies,” he said. “Handsome or not, he still screams like all hell at 2 in the morning.” Zack sighed. “I understand Trey and Susan are making you their baby’s godfather, and that—either girl or boy—they’re going to call the baby Chris. Have they told you?”

  I was stunned. They hadn’t told me. It was so kind, it almost made me want to cry. I said nothing, in order to hide my feelings in front of this great love of my life. This bastard.

  “Oh? No? Well, I apologize for ruining the surprise for you,” he said. “Nonetheless, I suppose you … that news must make you very happy. It’s very touching, I think.”

  I mastered my assorted feelings of happiness, anger, and the urge to stick an ice pick in him and set them aside. “It is touching. But in the first rush of joy in getting pregnant, they might have made decisions they’ll want to change in nine months. If they do name the baby after me, I will be very pleased and proud. If they don’t, I’ll be just as happy for them. In any case, I’m looking forward to being a grandmom.”

  Zack harrumphed and shifted in his seat. “Really, Chris. Isn’t this ‘Mom’ business a little much? I mean it was cute when Schooner was a baby, but he’s keeping it up into adulthood. You should really think about putting a stop to it now. It seems a bit— well, silly, don’t you agree?”

  I was becoming angry, but I really didn’t want this little visit to morph into a grudge match. I simply said, “That’s certainly something to think about, Zack.”

  Zack took another sip of his drink. It looked as if his measured intake of alcohol was carefully timed to very specific points he wanted to address. I girded myself for whatever he was going to spring on me next.

  “So,” he began, “I hear you’ve become involved with someone. A professional fisherman, or dog breeder or something? I suppose you needed to find someone a little rough around the edges to fit in down here. I hope that works out for you, but is it really something you think is going to last long-term?”

  I very carefully sat my gin and tonic on the generous arm of my chair, and got up to fetch my cigarettes and lighter from the deck railing near where I’d been sitting before Zack arrived for this little “torment Chris” episode. I didn’t answer until I got one lit and stood a few feet from Zack to keep from slapping the shit out of him. I wanted to tell him I didn’t care how long it lasted, but for however long it did, it was the best fucking I’d ever had in my life. However, long experience had taught me not to give Zack any reason to pull out the “white trash” knife to slash me with. Regaining my composure, I said, “I don’t have a crystal ball, Zack. I have no idea how long it will last. What I’m concerned with is keeping myself responsible for myself. I don’t have any years
left to invest in dreams that are going to end up tossed in the trash. I’ve made the last of my unwise investments in that regard.”

  I noted his jaw muscles clench with no small amount of control. “Well, I’m glad to hear such a mature attitude, especially coming from you,” Zack responded coldly.

  “Thank you, Zack. But I think this conversation has gotten a little off track. Let’s stick to talking about the kids, shall we? I understand David and Andrea are trying to get pregnant. I think that could be a very pleasant chore.”

  Zack looked away from me and off toward the beach. After a moment, his lips thinned into a small smile. “It might not be such a chore if Andrea hadn’t been on the pill since she was 15,” he said evenly. “She tells me that’s most likely the cause of her difficulty getting pregnant.”

  Again, he had caught me off balance. Andrea had never mentioned any of this to me. I said, “I’m happy you and Andrea have gotten around her problems with our going our separate ways enough for her to confide in you.”

  Despite his attempt at a small smile, his eyes were hard. “She told me she didn’t want to tell you,” he said. “She was afraid you might shoulder some blame for getting her on birth control so early.”

  I gritted my teeth and flicked my cigarette’s ash into the wind. I could see Andrea’s hand in this quite clearly, the little bitch. She knew exactly how to stir the shit, just to make it stink.

  Zack leaned forward in his chair and pointed his forefinger at me. “I don’t think that was the wisest decision on your part, Chris. After all, it was you who dragged her to the gynecologist and got her started on the damn things.”

  Very calmly I took a long hit off my cigarette and thumped it into the yard below. I exhaled, fighting for calm, and casually returned to my seat and my drink across from Zack. “It was the best decision I could make at the time, Zack. She was so moody, she was unbearable before, during, and after her periods, and I knew she was sexually active. Since I had no real experience with the actual plumbing, I thought sending her to a woman gynecologist—someone she could confide in—was the right thing to do.”

  “Well that’s all well and good, Chris. But now she’s paying the price for it,” Zack concluded triumphantly.

  I took a sip of my drink. It was getting watery, and I needed it to be strong and clear and biting. “I am genuinely sorry for that, Zack. But I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I regret it if you and Andrea have a problem with it all these many years later. But understand something, she never had to endure the trauma of an abortion, and her violent mood swings were put under control. There are many things I’m glad she didn’t have to go through then, even if she’s going through some difficulties now.”

  Zack drained his drink and rattled his ice in his glass expectantly. From sheer force of habit, I stood, took his glass, and went inside to make him another drink; when I had the gin bottle in my hand, it hit me what I was doing. It was all I could do not to spit in his glass—but I didn’t. I simply made him another drink and carried it to him. He took it without a word of thanks and said, “Well, enough about Andrea. I have to give you credit—you did try your best. Andrea was not the easiest child at times. But it’s not Andrea I’ve come to talk about, it’s Schooner.”

  I walked to the railing for another cigarette.

  “Would you please bring that goddamn pack of cigarettes and your lighter over here and sit down?” Zack said irritably. “You’re not going to like what I have to tell you, but you might as well sit down and listen. Wandering around the deck smoking isn’t going to get you or him out of this.”

  I lit my cigarette, leaned against the deck’s railing, and crossed my feet at the ankles. There was no way I was going to obey the bastard. I hated it when people jerked and pulled and snatched at me. “I can hear you perfectly well from here Zack. Go ahead.”

  “Have it your way.” Zack leaned back in his chair and crossed one leg over the other with an ankle braced on his knee. He was enjoying every minute of this. “As of his graduation day, Schooner is a free agent. I’m cutting him off financially. You have succeeded in creating a complete spoiled brat. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and pay his own bills. He’s not going to see another dime from me.”

  I nodded and looked at Zack coldly. Clearly he wanted to make Schooner financially dependent on me. Schooner would need help until he could find a job. Though his truck was paid for, there was its insurance to keep up, a roof over his head to consider, and food to fill his seemingly bottomless stomach. Now I knew why Schooner had had such a hangdog sad look about him all weekend and why he needed to talk to me so badly.

  “Okay, Zack,” I said. “Whatever you think is best.”

  “I’m pleased you can be so sanguine. Schooner is a very expensive proposition. I can’t imagine you’re doing well enough to support him, and neither his brother nor his sister is in any position to help. The big baby is going to have to sink or swim on his own.”

  Zack finished his little pronouncement and, lifting his glass, tilted its bottom in a small, petty salute to me before he took a rather big swallow. Then he sat the glass on the arm of his chair and waited for me to respond. There was no way I was going to make his victory sweet.

  “I understand, Zack,” I said. “But like you’ve told me many times, you gave me these children a long time ago, and my responsibility for them hasn’t ended. As long as I have a roof over my head, any of them—especially Schooner—has a home and help.”

  “Chris, there’s no way you can afford—”

  “Hold up, you son of a bitch,” I said, finally allowing some of my anger to show. “I can afford whatever I please and if I please to make sure my baby boy gets every chance to find a decent job and get on with his life, then he’ll get it. Do you understand me?”

  Zack swatted at an early fly, catching it expertly in his hand. He shook his fist, then let the fly free. He was clearly amused by the tiny creature’s disoriented, drunken attempt to fly away. “I thought you might say something along those lines. You’re not going to be doing the boy any favors. In fact, you’ll both probably end up being even more codependent, if that’s humanly possible.”

  I empathized with the poor fly Zack was tormenting just for fun. I tried to remain calm, but my patience was nearly gone. “I don’t know who you’re trying to hurt here—me or Schooner—but neither one of us deserves this shit out of you.”

  Zack laughed. “Chris, this isn’t about trying to hurt either of you—especially you. I don’t give a damn how foolishly you spend your resources. And I’m certainly not trying to do Schooner any harm. I’m just sick of his constant wants and needs.”

  I hated him at that moment, and I wanted to strike back at him. I wasn’t the kind to torment flies, and I got no pleasure out of what I knew I was going to say next, but I was going to say it, by God. “Zack you were sick of his constant wants and needs by the time he was 6 months old. You never did like your youngest child. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you’ve hated him since his mother took her life after he was born. Maybe before.”

  My arrow hit the mark, and Zack’s arrogance fell away to reveal the true bastard underneath.

  “That’s completely unfair of you, Chris. When have I ever deprived that boy of one thing? When have I not gone out of my way to make sure he was taken care of? Now he’s become a little faggot with a worthless degree in parks and recreation. What the hell is he going to do with that? That’s what I resent—all my hard- earned money spent on four years of play theory and lawn maintenance training? And don’t you ever drag his mother into this ever again. What the hell do you know about it?”

  “I know enough to say what I think. Do you think I’m blind and deaf? You showed you resented him when you hung a name on him that would manage to renew and encourage your resentment of him every time you said it,” I said and crossed my arms over my chest. Allowing myself a cold smile, I said, “And, as for his being gay, I’m really the one who knows yo
u better than that, you’ve got no room to talk. Or is that why you resent him so bad, because he’s young and not saddled with a wife and kids? You’ve finally found a way to get rid of all that resentment haven’t you? Just cut him off now. Why wait? Why wait and watch him become what you wanted to be and then screwed up so bad when you started out.”

  Zack came half out of his chair, his fists balled and his face on fire. “Shut up! You petty, judgmental little faggot. How dare you say such things to me? Without my children you don’t even have a reason to exist and you never did. You’re a worthless little piece of shit.”

  I took two steps toward him and got right in his face. This time I had the advantage. He wasn’t even out of his chair and I towered over him for once. “I’m worthless? Well, you know something?

  You’re goddamn good at making babies, but you damn sure aren’t very good at anything to do with them afterwards.”

  “That may be true,” he sneered. “But at least I’m a man and I took care of the things a man takes care of. I paid the bills and I made life grand for all of you. And what did you do, you little freak? Nothing a man would do, you just played at being a mom, for God’s sake. Without me, you’d be living under a fucking bridge somewhere or dead from AIDS. You latched onto my kids like you’d found a cushy job for life. You’re a pathetic, worthless loser.”

  “You’re right! If I’m worth anything at all, if I ever did anything right at all with my life, it was for bringing up those kids for you. They’d despise you if it wasn’t for me. Well, Trey and Andrea may be grown and out of your wallet and you may be done with Schooner, but I’m not. And let me tell you something, asshole, you aren’t as great at being a man as you think. I’ve had much better, and recently, as a matter of fact.”