Lockout

by Maya Cross

  It was phrased as a suggestion, but that was just an illusion. I was being exiled. It might not have sounded like a big deal — a little holiday, then back to the grind — but I knew better. It was really a dismissal in disguise. That's how Alan liked to operate; ease someone out of the office quietly, and then let the axe fall. Much less messy that way. I could see it in Ernest's eyes. He knew I wasn't coming back.

  Strangely, I wasn't really upset. I figured maybe that would come later. Instead, the numbness coating my insides just seemed to thicken. Truth be told, I'd expected it — or something similar — the moment I walked through the door.

  I stood up. There was no point in arguing. "Okay."

  "Okay?" Alan asked.

  "Okay, I'll take some time."

  And without another word I turned and left.

  I snatched my bag from my office and then made straight for the lift. I desperately wanted to avoid talking to anyone. The wafer thin barricade was holding my emotions in check was ready to burst at any moment.

  But of course, she couldn't resist her chance at a parting shot.

  Leaning against an office doorway near the lifts, was Jennifer. She was chatting idly with the person inside, but there was no doubting her true purpose. She caught sight of me from across the room as I approached. There were no words, no taunts or mockery, just the smallest upturn of her lips and a victorious flash in her eyes. She'd won and she knew it.

  I fled. I didn't even bother waiting for the lift, I just bolted down the fire escape as fast as I could. Everything was unravelling before my eyes.

  I had to get away from that place.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I'm not certain exactly how I got home. I think I took a taxi, although I can't be sure. All I remember was being overcome by a great wave of tiredness. The moment I walked through the door, I threw myself into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and slept.

  When I woke it was dark. The power was out. There was no storm that I could hear, just a horrendous wind that was screeching up and down the narrow alleys that surround my house.

  Glancing at my phone, I discovered it was ten o'clock. I also saw that I had several missed calls from Elle. No doubt word had gotten around. Gossip spread faster than the plague in our office. She was probably worried, but I couldn't deal with talking to her yet.

  I really wished I could just go back to sleep. The enormity of everything that had happened was absolutely staggering. I didn't know how to begin dealing with it all. It made the prospect of simple unconsciousness incredibly appealing. But I could tell I wouldn't drift back off again.

  Not knowing what else to do, I lit some candles and went to the kitchen to pour a bowl of cereal. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I figured I probably needed to eat. It tasted like shredded cardboard, but I barely noticed.

  Halfway through my meal, everything finally caught up with me. One minute I was staring blankly down at my food, the next I was bawling my eyes out. I'd never felt so utterly lost before. My life had always felt like it had been on rails, with the next stop visible just a little way up the track. School, a law degree, internships, a job; everything had unfolded as planned. But now suddenly, the track had collapsed underneath me, leaving me wobbling at the edge of a precipice. I had no idea where to go from here.

  It was soul destroying to watch six years of hard work crumble to dust before my eyes. The prospect of starting again from scratch was impossibly daunting. I lay my arms on the breakfast bar and buried my head between them, sobbing until I felt like my eyes were just empty husks.

  The worst part was, I had no way to distract myself. I was going to wake up tomorrow with nothing to do. And the day after that. And the day after that. That was a terrifying prospect. I thrived on hard work, on meeting deadlines and tackling problems. That was my drug. Without that, I had nothing. Just endless time to consider where I'd gone wrong.

  The urge to call Sebastian was incredibly strong. I didn't even know if he'd answer, or what I'd say if he did. Nothing had changed between us. But I was desperate to hear that soothing voice, to wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life before the weight of it all pulled me under.

  But I restrained myself. I couldn't deal with any more heartbreak at the moment. Instead I popped a couple of Valium I had left over from my last international trip, and curled up on the couch.

  For now, oblivion would do.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  The letter arrived two days later.

  For a while I just stared, unsure whether I should even open it. Seeing Sebastian's flowing script used to fill me with excitement, but now there was only trepidation. I wasn't sure I was ready to deal with whatever he had to say, not on top of everything else. This wasn't a reconciliation. You didn't fix our sorts of problems by post.

  But in the end I knew I couldn't ignore it. Too much had passed between us for that. With trembling hands, I tore open the seal.

  Sophia.

  I'm sorry to do this in writing. I wanted to come to you — I nearly did several times — but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I always thought I was a strong man, but you have this way of making me feel utterly powerless. I'm worried I'll break yet again.

  I'm so sorry that things have to end this way. It sounds hollow and empty, but I never meant to hurt you. I really thought that maybe I could do this again, that things would be different this time. But now I see how impossible that is. I can never have a normal life. The risks are just too great.

  You have questions, but the answers I owe you aren't mine to give. It's not fair, but I need you to know that it's for the best. There is more at stake here than you can possibly imagine.

  I know you probably don't believe me, but I want to tell you again: I never lied about my feelings for you. Every word was true. I never thought I'd care about anyone again the way I care about you. I thought Liv had burned that right out of me. But I was wrong. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I feel more in a day with you than I have in a lifetime with anyone else. You deserve someone to share everything with, but that's not something I can give you, no matter how badly I want to. Perhaps it would have been better for both of us if I'd just stayed away to begin with. I knew you were dangerous from the moment I laid eyes on you. But I can't apologise. I don't regret a single moment we spent together.

  I won't be in contact again. I ask that you please do the same. Like I said, it's for the best.

  Yours forever.

  -S

  The room around me blurred into nothingness. All I could see were his words, blinking up at me like a neon sign. My organs felt like they'd been twisted into a thousand ragged knots inside me.

  I no longer doubted that he'd been telling the truth about his feelings. I felt his passion right through to my bones. But that didn't matter anymore. Whatever his secrets were, they were apparently bigger than us, and they left no room in his life for anything more.

  Despite the fact that I'd been expecting it, the finality of that last line ripped through me. Even after his office, with the weight of a thousand lies bearing down on us, some tiny part of me had still held hope that we'd get through it. There was a chance, however slim. But now that chance was over.

  We were over.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Time passed. I slept and ate and did my best to occupy myself, but it was all done with the kind of blank obligation that leaves next to no real impression. I felt so utterly disconnected, like I was watching a video of something that was happening to someone else.

  I hated myself for being so weak. I'd never been one to wallow in self-pity before. Problems weren't things to dwell on, they were obstacles to be overcome on the way to better things. But in this situation, I didn't even know where to start.

  I must have read Sebastian's note a hundred times over the next few days. It consumed me. I had no idea how one single piece of paper could make my heart soar so high yet still shatter into a million pieces. I wanted to hate him for not choosing me, but
the way the letter was phrased made me question if he even had a choice at all. That scared me a little. The things he alluded to were every bit as unbelievable as those my imagination had conjured. Perhaps he really had been doing me a favour.

  Eventually, after several days of ignoring my phone, I woke up one afternoon to find Ruth banging on my door.

  "Holy shit," she said, when I finally answered. "You look like you've just returned from a week long bender."

  "That good, huh?" I replied, managing a small smile. I'd thought I couldn't stomach company, but now that she was there in front of me, I realised how much I appreciated seeing a familiar face.

  She stared at me, her brow furrowed in concern.

  "So, word got around then I take it?" I asked.

  She nodded. "Elle called me saying you weren't answering your phone. Explained what had happened. I came as soon as I could." She stepped towards me and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry, Soph."

  I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged her back.

  "Can I come in?" she asked. I nodded and lead her into the lounge.

  "Now, tell me about it," she said.

  And so I did, being careful to avoid mentioning Sebastian. She obviously had no idea about that, and it was still too raw for me to talk about.

  When I was done, she let out a long breath and shook her head slowly. "I'll never understand how the people in that place are so blind. It's like it's all just a popularity contest. And if I ever meet that bitch Jennifer, she's going to need more than some weaselly little partner to hide behind."

  I found myself grinning. Now that was what best friends were for. Making you feel like you weren't totally alone.

  "So, there's no chance this will all just blow over?" she asked.

  I shook my head slowly. "This is 'firing people 101'. Get them out of the building quietly, and then finish the job. And even if it wasn't, you can't work in a place like that when someone so senior has it out for you. Not unless you want to eat shit for the rest of your natural life."

  Ruth nodded slowly, her mouth pulled tight. "Okay, so then we start out trying to find you something new. It sounds like Ernest wasn't on board with all this, right? So he'll write you an awesome reference. That plus a resume like yours and I bet you can stroll into any of the other big law firms in town." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe your mystery man could help out as well? If he knows one of the equity partners at Little Bell, he probably has other connections too."

  I gazed at her, desperately willing my face to stay composed, but I couldn't hold it all back.

  "Oh shit, not him too?" she asked.

  I nodded.

  She reached out and squeezed my shoulder. "Damn, the universe really knows how to kick a girl when she's down. I'm sorry, hon'. So he turned out to be an asshole after all?"

  I blinked a few times. "I don't know. I don't think so. I'm still not really sure what happened." I sniffed sharply, realising that a few hot tears had begun to trace their way down my face. "Could we not talk about him? It won't make any difference. It's over. Maybe in a few months I'll be ready to laugh and dissect it with you and Lou over mojitos or something, but for now I think I just need to deal with it in my own way, okay?"

  She hesitated. "Okay, sure. But just remember; I'm here if you change your mind."

  "I know. Thanks."

  She studied me for a few more seconds before clapping her hands. "You have, however, given me an idea. If there was ever a better excuse for midday mojitos, I haven't heard it."

  I groaned. "I don't think going out and getting tanked at three o'clock on a Wednesday is the best way to start rebuilding my life."

  "Who said anything about getting tanked? I'm just trying to get you out of the house. Have you even been outside since it happened?"

  I sighed, then shook my head.

  "Exactly. So come out for one drink and some food that doesn't come out of a plastic packet. You'll never make any progress if you just hide out in here forever."

  "I don't know, Ruth, I—"

  "I'm not taking no for an answer," she interrupted. I knew there was no point in arguing. She was as stubborn as me when she wanted to be.

  "Fine. One drink."

  "Attagirl."

  After taking a few minutes to shower and change into something half respectable, we headed for King Street. It felt surprisingly good to be out of the house. We found a little Tapas joint and settled in for lunch.

  The longer we talked, the better I found myself feeling. It was inane conversation, mostly about Lou turning into a frumpy housewife, but that's exactly what the doctor ordered. I even laughed a few times, which I hadn't thought I'd be capable of anymore. It wasn't much more than a distraction, but it was a start.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Determined to begin regaining some semblance of control over my life, I made myself get up at nine the next morning. It was a tiny gesture, but at that moment every deliberate action felt like an achievement. Some bacon and eggs, a shower, and a lengthy grooming session later, I actually felt vaguely human.

  I'd promised Ruth I wouldn't stay cooped up all day, so with nothing else on my schedule for the morning, I decided to take a walk. It was a lovely spring day outside, and I figured the sun might do me some good.

  I wandered around Newtown for an hour or so, nabbing a coffee and a Danish in the process. It was nice just being outside among the hustle and bustle. It served as a reminder that despite how awful I felt, the world hadn't stopped turning. Things changed, and new opportunities were out there. I just had to find them.

  Eventually, I headed home. The sooner I began hunting, the sooner I'd be able to start rebuilding my life. Snagging my mail from the letterbox, I strolled in through the front door, dumped it down on the sideboard, and headed for my laptop. It wasn't until I fired it up and sat down that I noticed anything was amiss. There was a breeze blowing into the room from the back door. The back door that now lay in a splintered mess on the kitchen floor.

  It was one of those slow realisations that happens a fraction too late. An unexpected sight, a dumbfounded stare, and in the blink of an eye it's over. I sensed movement to my left, but before I could spin, something dark was slipped over my head and I felt a sharp jab on one side of my neck. I tried to yell for help, but whatever drug they'd injected me with worked fast. All I managed was a strangled squeal that cut off sharply as everything began to fade out.

  To be continued. Sophia and Sebastian's story will conclude in:

  Unlocked (The Alpha Group Book Three) - Due July 2013

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Maya Cross is a writer who enjoys making people blush. Growing up with a mother who worked in a book store, she read a lot from a very young age, and soon enough picked up a pen of her own. Her previous work spans many genres including horror, science fiction, and fantasy, and she has now started this pen name as an outlet for her spicier thoughts (they were starting to overflow). She likes her heroes strong but mysterious, her encounters sizzling, and her characters true to life.

  She believes in writing familiar narratives told with a twist, so most of her stories will feel comfortable, but hopefully a little unique. Whatever genre she's writing, finding a fascinating concept is the first, and most important step.

  The Alpha Group is her first attempt at erotic romance, and she
is absolutely loving writing it.

  When she's not writing, she's playing tennis, trawling her home town of Sydney for new inspiration, and drinking too much coffee.

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