by Sophia Sharp
“Thanks.” I figure I won’t be able to get her off the dance floor. So, I go by myself.
I discover a line stretching about twenty feet from the entrance of the women’s restroom. I stand in the back for about five minutes without it moving. I really have to go. I look to my right, where the door to the men’s room stands unattended.
A girl rushes out and the line moves forward by one. I wait, squeezing my legs together. The door on the other side mocks me.
I don’t think I can hold it in much longer. I look left, then look right, and—satisfied that nobody’s watching me—duck across the hall into the guys’ washroom.
It’s blessedly empty. I run into a stall and close the door. Surprisingly clean, too, I think.
I’m reaching for the toilet paper when I hear the entrance door slam open. Somebody stumbles inside.
I freeze. It would be humiliating to be caught in here. I strain my ears so I can hear when he leaves.
A high-pitched, female giggle drifts from the other side of the stall. “See? Like I said, baby, it’s just the two of us.”
A throaty chuckle answers her. She squeaks, and then all I hear are the sounds of a drunk, sloppy make out.
I don’t dare move. They think they’re alone in here. Walking out on them would be even more humiliating.
I’m going over my options when the guy speaks up. “Mmm, fuck yeah, babe, just like that. God you’re so hot.”
My heart sinks in the split-second it takes for me to recognize that voice. It belongs to Spencer.
All worries of impropriety fly out the window. I storm out of the stall. The crashing door causes his head to whip around. His eyes widen in alarm when he sees me.
The girl he’s with is on her knees in front of him. Her hands are working at opening his belt. I recognize her as the same one who had called him a “brilliant asshole” in the lecture hall.
I glare at both of them, furious. Before either can say a word, I run out of the bathroom.
I shoulder my way through the crowd and burst into the night. I need to get away. Seeing Spencer there, like that, with the other girl… It was too much.
My reaction is irrational. I know Spencer’s reputation. I know what to expect.
It pisses me off that I thought it would be any different.
But, for some stupid reason, I thought he had invited me. Only me. Meaning, that he was supposed to wait there for me.
I’m upset with him, but I’m more upset with myself. When did I start thinking I was anything different to him? I’m acting like one of those girls Katy warned me about.
That pisses me off the most.
I don’t need Spencer’s approval. I don’t need his anything. In fact, for the longest time, I thought I was immune to him.
That’s how things should be.
Still, finding him in the bathroom hurt. It hurt more than I care to admit. Why would he go to such lengths to get me to come if he’s just going to hook up with the first girl to throw herself at him?
That type of behavior is revolting. And there is absolutely no reason it should affect me so much.
I feel tears forming behind my eyes as I rush down the street, away from all the noises. I want to go home. But home is… where?
Is it the dorm I’ve lived in for two weeks? Is it the little rancher I left behind near Salt Lake City that belonged to my grandma? Or is it the boarding school where I’d spent most of my life?
Home certainly was not the apartment I’d lived in for a short time with my real mother. That place has memories I do not want to think about.
I turn the street and see the welcome sight of my dorm in the distance. That’s good enough for now. I pick up my pace. I want to get out of the night. I want to be safe in the comfort of my bed.
Why oh why did seeing Spencer upset me so much? It’s certainly not jealousy. Who could be jealous of the girl I found on her knees in the bathroom?
I think it comes down to autonomy. I grew up without a male figure in my life. Anything I had hoped for with Andrew turned out to be an illusion. Spencer, for all his faults, is the only other guy I’ve met so far. Seeing him in there almost felt like a betrayal.
That scares me a lot. Are my emotions dependent on the behavior of some random guy?
I blink away angry tears as I pass under the glowing streetlamps. I’m angry with myself for being so weak. I’m angry with Spencer for being such a pig. I’m angry—
“Paige?”
I stop short on hearing the voice behind me. I do not want to be seen like this. Desperate, I look for an escape. There is none.
“Paige, what’s wrong?”
I groan. This is even worse than last time.
Andrew comes up beside me. He’s wearing a casual button-down with the sleeves rolled up. His jeans are ripped along one leg. His hair is messy like he just got up from a nap. He looks good. “I must have called your name a dozen times. You didn’t answer. What’s going on?”
I turn away. I do not want him to see me crying. That would give way to too many uncomfortable questions.
“Nothing,” I say in my strongest voice.
It comes out as a sniffle.
“Nothing?” Andrew takes my hand and turns me around. Warmth seeps up my arm, confusing me even more. Doesn’t my stupid body know there isn’t anything between him and me?
“You’re crying,” he states. He peers into my eyes, then looks down to take in my clothes. His face turns serious. “What happened?”
Is this really happening? Am I really going to admit to Andrew that I’m crying because I can’t temper my own stupid expectations? That if he’d tried, only just a little, to bend the rules for us, none of this would have happened?
No. I bite my lip and look away. I do not want to tell Andrew anything. That would risk opening a Pandora’s box of emotions.
“Nothing happened,” I say, shaking my head a little and avoiding his eye. I tug my hand away.
He doesn’t let go.
“Paige.” He looks at me and steps closer. “You—”
“I know what it looks like, okay?” I explode. I can’t handle the concern on his face. “And I know I don’t need you to protect me! You’ve already made your choice.”
“My choice?” He looks puzzled. “What do you mean?”
I roll my eyes, getting angry. “Oh, don’t play dumb, Andrew. You know exactly what I mean.”
“If you’re talking about us…”
“Of course I’m talking about us. What else would I mean? Except, there is no us! You made that perfectly clear at the start of the week. I don’t need your fake sympathy now, either. So just get out of here!”
Andrew doesn’t move. Damn him, instead of letting go, he reaches for my other hand! “You’re trembling.”
“I’m not,” I insist. I pull my hand away. “We’re not doing this. I can’t talk to you anymore. Things are different between us now!”
His face falls. “I didn’t, uh, I didn’t realize you felt that way.” He looks down the street. “I’m sorry. I overstepped myself. Nobody’s forcing you to talk.” He gestures in the direction of the dorm. “If you want, you can go. I just… I just saw you running through the street and thought you could use a friend. Obviously, that friend isn’t me.”
I sigh. I didn’t mean to hurt him. “No. You’re not wrong,” I say gently. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. It’s just, well, I’ve been through a lot. Tonight kind of sucked.”
“Where were you?”
“The frat party,” I say. “Big mistake. Speaking of, how come you weren’t there? It seemed the entire school was.”
Andrew smiles, obviously glad that I’m talking. “That’s not really my thing.”
“Mine, either,” I say. I pluck at my top. “I don’t even know what I was thinking going there.”
“You wanted to see what it’s like,” he tells me. “Nothing wrong with that.”
“No, but it’s just… I feel out of place, you know? I w
ant to fit in somewhere.”
“You don’t have to go to extremes. I told you already. You’re not a party girl.” He smiles. “You’re more than that.”
Is it my fault that my heart melts a little when he says that? “Andrew?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry for leaving you so abruptly the other day. I shouldn’t have done that.”
He touches my shoulder. “You’re still thinking about that?”
“Well, yeah. Why else have you been avoiding me at the meetings?”
“Avoiding you?” He looks confused. “Paige, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since our date.”
“Then why did you run out so fast after each meting? I wanted to talk to you before.”
“Shit.” He grimaces. “I didn’t think… I didn’t even realize how it must look to you. I wasn’t running away from you. My brother’s enrolled in summer camp this week. It’s a full day program that runs on the other side of campus. It ends the same time the peer group meetings do. That’s where I’ve been going. I didn’t want to be late for him.”
“I didn’t know you were so…” I search for the right word, “…loyal.”
“You don’t know a lot of things about me,” Andrew says softly.
“I mean, am I allowed to? There’s the whole peer leader thing…”
“About that,” Andrew begins. “I’ve been thinking about our situation. A lot. There are things I think we should talk about. If you want?”
“Right now?”
“I’ve got nothing better to do.” He stops. “Wait. That came out wrong. I mean—”
I laugh. “I know what you mean, you great brute.”
He smiles. “Good. I don’t know what it is about you, but I always seem to get tongue-tied when you’re near.”
I give him a level look. “That can’t possibly be true.”
He holds his hands up. “I swear!”
“All right,” I say. I know I shouldn’t be getting excited. But, I am. I can’t help it. “What do you want to talk about?”
Andrew looks around us. He takes my hand. “Let’s get out of the street, first.”
***
I walk with Andrew to a nearby bench. I feel warm and fuzzy inside as he holds my hand.
We sit down. Even though we’re quite a distance from the nearest streetlamp, the night does not feel dark. A half-moon hangs overhead.
Andrew exhales. “Look,” he begins heavily, “the way I handled things… it was the worst I could do. I probably don’t even deserve to be talking to you right now. But, I don’t know, we just keep running into each other, and you’re always on my mind, so I’m going to do my best now to try to explain myself.”
“You don’t need to defend what you did,” I tell him again.
“No.” He shakes his head. “No, Paige, I do. I really do. I won’t be able to forgive myself otherwise.” He looks at me, then turns to stare off into the distance as he speaks. “I couldn’t believe my luck when I first saw you. Something about the curve of your shoulder, the way your hair fell around your neck… it made you look so small and delicate, like a little princess. But when I heard your voice… I was a goner. It was the sweetest, most innocent voice I’ve ever heard.”
I blush a little at the memory. “You mean, when you caught me talking to Pickles?”
Andrew smiles. “Yes. After that, I had to know you. I’ve never met another girl who affects me the way you do. And then you agreed to go out with me, and I planned this whole extravagant, ridiculous date for us. To be honest, I thought you’d just laugh at me. But you didn’t and we… had fun.”
He reaches over and takes my hand again. His thumb grazes over my knuckles. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you that entire night. You did something. Cast a spell on me. I didn’t know what to do. And then the next day, I was busy preparing for the meeting. The whole time, the only thing I could think about was when I’d see you next.” He gives a sour chuckle. “What were the odds?”
I don’t say anything as he speaks. This is a lot to take in.
“Then I saw you there, and I just panicked. I mean, I know the rules. That one is drilled into you the first day they give you the job. If someone reports you with one of your ‘students,’ you lose everything. They take away your housing. They put a black mark on your record so you can’t get another job on campus. All your privileges get revoked. Hell,” he lowers his voice, “the last time it happened, the peer leader got kicked out of the university for a year.”
I stare blankly into the dark. I get Andrew’s implications. I was right not to get excited. “So, what do we do now?”
He sighs. “What can we do? That’s what I’ve been thinking about. What—can—we—do? There’s only one option that comes to mind.”
“Yes?”
“I can quit. If I tell them I’m too busy to keep going, they’ll let me keep my housing. I’ll need to pay full rent, but I won’t be kicked out. I’ll be able to get the job again next term. Or at least, find something similar. It might not pay as much, and the hours might be worse, but it would mean I’d be able to see you.” He squeezes my hand and gives an easy smile. “I want to see where this can go.”
I can tell there’s something he’s not telling me. There’s something else on his mind. “You’d really give up all that for me?” I ask.
Andrew hesitates only a bit, then nods. “Yes. I really would.”
“And you’re sure you can get another job next term?”
Andrew runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I mean, I think so. I’m in good standing with the administration. Maybe they’ll even assign me to another peer group. Not all the peer leaders stay on board the full year. Some get overwhelmed with their other responsibilities and drop out. There might be vacancies.”
“What if I told you… I’d wait for you?”
Andrew blinks. “What?”
I nod. “I mean, I know it’ll be tough seeing you every week and not being able to do anything about it. But, if you’re willing to quit your job for me, I’m willing to wait. You don’t have to lose anything. You said it’s just until next term, right? And then you can get assigned to a different group?”
“Yeah, but that’s all the way into January,” Andrew wavers.
“Something tells me it’ll be worth it.” I lean over and kiss his cheek.
Andrew goes stiff. He inhales a breath through his nose and lets it out his mouth. “If we’re going to do this,” he says, his jaw tight, “then you can’t do that again.”
“I know,” I sigh. “It just felt right.”
Andrew eases back onto the bench. “I’m not blaming you, Paige. I’m just saying, nobody can see us like this. Until January.”
“Then I’ll wait until January.” I lean into his shoulder. He seems to freeze for a heartbeat, then, slowly, he puts his arm around me.
I like Andrew. He’s safe and comfortable. I like the way I fit under his arm. I wish things could be different between us, but they’re not. I can respect his desire to stick to the rules. And since he was ready to quit his job for me, the least I can do is wait a few months until our situation becomes less complicated.
If I try, I can probably find tons of things to occupy my time until then. Classes. Swimming lessons. Maybe I’ll even get involved in some extracurricular activities. I never had time for them in high school.
A long time passes with Andrew holding me like that. Neither of us says a word. I take comfort in the slow, steady rhythm of his breathing. I make sure to enjoy the moment. I know I won’t get another one like it until the school year is halfway through.
Eventually, Andrew shifts away. I look at him. “Probably time to get you home,” he says.
I yawn and rub my sleepy eyes. “Yeah,” I agree.
He walks me to my dorm holding my hand. We don’t see anybody the whole way there.
Andrew hesitates in letting me go when we stop before the entrance. I look up at his face, illuminated by the
glow of the yellow bulb above us. He looks handsome. And very… wholesome. If anybody out there is prime boyfriend material, Andrew definitely is it.
He glances down at our linked hands. When he looks up, he seems to be having some type of internal battle with himself. He takes a step closer. “Paige…”
My thoughts return to the last time he kissed me. Right here, on this very spot. Is he going to do it again?
“Yes?’ I ask. Unconsciously, I lick my lips.
“I… Never mind.” He leans forward so our foreheads touch, then gives my hand a final squeeze. “I’ll miss you. I mean, I know I’ll see you all the time. But it’s not the same thing, and…”
He’s blabbering. I can tell. So, I decide to take initiative. There’s nobody around to see, right?
I go on my toes and brush my lips against his.
For a second, I think he’s going to kiss me back.
That hope fades when he shudders and draws away.
“Not now,” he tells me. “But soon. I promise. Good night, Paige.”
He turns and walks away, leaving me by myself.
Chapter Eleven
I walk into my dorm and drop down on the couch. I don’t bother to turn the lights on. The darkness suits my mood.
I hate the way Andrew pulled away. He didn’t even reciprocate my kiss a little bit!
Is it my own fault for expecting something else? Andrew made it clear how things have to be. I promised to wait. Well, wait I will.
But I can’t just tell my body to wait. It wants more of Andrew now. Not tomorrow. Not in five months. Right now.
I exhale and close my eyes. I should be thrilled with the way the night turned out. I fixed things with Andrew. Whatever Spencer did earlier doesn’t even matter.
Still, I want something else. I crave something more. Waiting five months? It doesn’t seem fair.
I get up and drag myself to bed. I wonder how Katy’s holding out at the party. Will she bring anyone home?
I change into my pajama bottoms but leave the tank top on. It’s too hot a night for anything else.
I crawl onto my bed, leaving the blanket scrunched up at my feet. I want to sleep, but my mind is too active.
