Phoenix Fire

by Chitwood, Billy

  Jason had only been asleep for some two hours when the telephone rang. He thought about being angry until he heard Jenny's voice on the line. He was pleased she had called. But, why so early?

  After Jenny explained the reason for her call, Jason felt a strange mix of emotions settle in his gut. There was obvious shock at the news of his brother's beating and mugging, a genuine sibling concern, anger toward the thugs who had perpetrated the act, and an awful sense of dread. Despite these heavy feelings, there came as well an unwanted emotion, a sudden overwhelming sense of betrayal. This cursed thought was unbidden, ugly, and unworthy, but it was there as part of the visceral package.

  Why was Jenny at the hospital? Oh, she had told him why, but, still, the ugly feeling was there. Jenny almost sounded uncomfortable, guilty, perhaps, over the phone, as though she knew it was an awkward coincidence that she should be the one notifying him of Carlton's unfortunate encounter. Jason did not like the feeling but it was there and would not go away. He knew that he must go to his brother, that this was his most important next move. He must block out all other thoughts … yet, the feeling persisted.

  “Will you be coming to the hospital, Jason?” Jenny was asking.

  After a palpable pause, Jason responded. “Yes, yes, of course. I'll be down immediately.”

  “I will stay until you arrive. Someone should be here, don't you think?”

  “Yes, thank you, Jenny. It's appreciated.”

  “Jason, are you all right? I'm so sorry about this. I want to be with you through this. Is that okay?”

  “Yes, I'm fine, Jenny. There's no reason for you to be sorry. You didn't put Carlton there in the hospital.” He paused again. “It's just that I wonder why …” He stopped, started again. “Oh, well, it has happened. I'll be there shortly, and, thanks again, Jenny, for not calling Grandma Myrena.”

  *****

  When their conversation ended Jenny felt an odd displacement. The last few minutes of their phone visit, Jason had sounded so strained, so distant and remote. Was it simply that Carlton's mugging had made him sound so detached from her? That was certainly likely, but she had felt an odd sensation. What was it? What did she sense in his voice? Was it irritation? Was it disappointment? It was something unrelated to Carlton which she had picked up from Jason. It was something directed at her. While she could not pinpoint the emotion exactly, she knew that it was there. Perhaps it was the early morning hour. Maybe he was not a 'morning person,' and add to that the devastating news she had delivered. Maybe he did not understand how she happened to be at the hospital. Maybe he thought … No, he would not think that …

  A new cavalcade of thoughts paraded by. She thought of Carlton's attempts at wooing her, the 'chance' encounter at the cafeteria, the telephone calls which had upset her so much, his oppressive and arrogant 'come on' behavior. Perhaps she felt guilty! Perhaps she was reading something into Jason's words, or lack of words, that was not there. Maybe it was her own guilt that she felt.

  That was ludicrous, she thought. Why should she feel guilty? She had done nothing to feel guilty about. Was it the fact that she had not conveyed to Jason his brother's tasteless behavior toward her, his acts of seduction? She wanted to tell Jason about the cafeteria incident and the phone calls but had not wanted to cause any problems. She had not wanted to sound like an offended schoolgirl. She was, after all, a grown woman. If she would just allow the Carlton moments to pass there would be no more unfortunate occurrences. That was the adult way to handle it. And, certainly, she should not be trying to explain all of this to Jason now, when his brother lay critically wounded in an intensive care unit of St. Joseph's Hospital.

  Jenny sat in the corner of the ER waiting room, feeling depressed and remotely disassociated. She could not fully understand the unease that had settled within her. She knew that she loved Jason Prince, that the magic of their meeting and their moments together were real, were very special, and were worthy of their careful maintenance. She must shelter her love for Jason from the dangerous thoughts. 'God! The mind can surely confound. What a marvelous yet devious piece of machinery.'

  She remembered the lightning experience and the dream of light. It was a most beautiful light. She thought of her father and mother. She thought of her father's subtle and lovely symbolism, 'Butterflies and Jellybeans.' A soft pensive smile came.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jenny rushed to meet him as he came through the heavy glass entry doors of the ER. She touched his arm and gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him she was sorry about Carlton.

  She felt again a remoteness about Jason, as she had earlier over the phone. He was little else but civil as he asked to see his brother.

  Police officer Donahue had left the hospital but had given a card to Jenny and asked her to have Jason call him at the precinct office.

  There was a new intern tending to Carlton when Jason and Jenny arrived at the IC room. To Jenny, there appeared to be little or no change in Carlton. He still had a jumble of tubes coming out of his body. His face bruises raw and ugly against his pallid skin and the white sheets of the gurney.

  The new doctor's name was Seeley. Dr. Seeley finished his examination of Carlton, checked his clipboard, said something to the attending nurse, then turned to Jason and Jenny.

  “You are the brother?” the doctor asked, with the normal hospital solemnity.

  “Yes, I'm Jason Prince.” Jason extended his hand to Dr. Seeley and neglected to introduce Jenny. “What is the prognosis, Dr. Seeley? Will my brother survive?”

  Jason glanced only briefly at Carlton. It was obviously difficult for him to see his brother so incapacitated and vulnerable. There was something about Carlton's face that reminded Jason of an earlier time, when they were kids in the desert. The cant of Carlton's face now had the same wistful mixture of sadness and something akin to fear that was there years ago in their play time. A lump formed in Jason's throat.

  The hospital room was filled with beeping sounds and an offensive malodorous air filled with merging medicines and body fluids. Jason was just noticing the physical aspects of the room for the first time since his arrival.

  “He remains stable, Mr. Prince. His readings are consistently in acceptable ranges. We believe he will pull through, but, I must add, we are concerned about his head injuries. We want to run a series of tests and do a spinal tap. There is some evidence of amnesic behavior. Despite his comatose appearance, he has been conscious off and on. The intravenous medicines are keeping him heavily sedated.”

  Jenny felt awkward, as though she were intrusive by being there in the room with Jason and the doctor. Their conversation seemed to her mind mutually exclusive, with no acknowledgment of her presence. She excused herself and left the room, informing Jason that she would wait for him in the ER lobby. There were no objections, merely a cursory nod of Jason's head.

  After Jenny left the room, Jason asked: “Are you expecting these tests to confirm that Carlton has amnesia?”

  “We don't really expect them to show any one thing. The tests are rather common, particularly in cases such as your brother's. They are not necessarily conclusive but they can give us some important information. Actually, Mr. Prince, your brother is a very lucky man. He took quite a beating. All in all, his vital signs are very good and, in all likelihood, he will come through this in fine shape. The tests are merely precautionary. When I say, 'we're concerned,' it just means we're going to be thorough. With head trauma from a severe beating like this, it's important to be thorough.”

  “Of course, that's the way it should be. Still, I'm getting what feels like mixed signals. Is there something specific about Carlton's injuries that make you concerned?”

  “I'm sorry, Mr. Prince. Perhaps it does sound like mixed signals. We doctors can be vague and inarticulate at times. What I'm saying is that, in cases where there has been serious head trauma, it is common medical practice to run tests and check for possible amnesia issues, permanent brain damage, and so forth. It is also a com
mon fact that the body is an amazing piece of machinery. It rights itself in miraculous ways.”

  “Okay, maybe it sounds like I'm not hearing you, but I am. It just seems to me that some sign presented itself to you regarding amnesia. Can you tell me about that sign?”

  Dr. Seeley maintained his composure even though he thought he had accurately addressed the issue. “Disorientation: blank, confused staring, sudden tearing in the eyes, a sense of panic and anxiety. Again, these symptoms are natural and can be easily explained away, by the acute trauma, the sudden realization that the body is not where it should normally be, with tubes coming out of several parts of the anatomy. Just by awakening and finding this alien environment is enough in and of itself to cause immediate depression. Anyway, the tests will help guide us to proper treatment. If I were a betting man, I would bet that your brother will recover fully from this. Physically, he should be fine. Mentally, I'm not qualified to say. There is no real reason to suspect that he will be mentally or psychologically damaged.”

  Jason had never particularly enjoyed his sessions with doctors. To him, they seemed to specialize in double speak. They rambled and used their fancy words to muddle the brains of people who would never know better. Maybe he was being harsh in his feelings about the noble physicians. Maybe it was simply a matter of him being too dense to understand them. It was difficult for him to listen and understand the doctor when he stood above his brother's battered body. It was difficult to separate the emotions he was feeling and the reality in this IC room.

  Dr. Seeley could see that Jason Prince was himself traumatized. He could see the pain in his eyes and in his body language. The man was reeling from emotions the doctor could not know. Dr. Seeley felt a deep sympathy for Jason, and, with a benign smile, he patiently tried once again to make himself understood.

  “What we really need to focus on is ...”

  The doctor was interrupted by an abrupt movement and sound from the hospital gurney. Dr. Seeley and Jason turned together to look at Carlton, then rushed to his side.

  Carlton's eyes were open and vacant, his ashen face twitching and moving rapidly from side to side. His head began to nod in frantic gestures and his throat muscles constricted and expanded in a grotesque kind of melodic frenzy. The medical equipment in the room seemed to match the human activity on the gurney. The beeps were strident in their intensity, and the gurgling sounds raced to keep pace with the aura of confusion.

  Jason eyes, wide with fear, were locked into the same visceral and arcane circuitry of the movement surrounding him, twitched and started in quick jerks, first in one direction and then another, his head swiftly darting from equipment to Carlton to Doctor to equipment. The room was chaotic.

  Dr. Seeley moved with haste, mumbled orders to hospital personnel who had rushed into the room. Voices clashed in decibel disharmony. One of the nurses adjusted a knob, something, on the intravenous line, turned a couple of dials on the heart monitoring machine. Standing over the frenetic body on the gurney the doctor pulled the tubes from Carlton's mouth and nose, began a hurried procedure of resuscitation, pounding his fist onto the sternum. Other rushing bodies in white were wheeling some new equipment closer to the bed, preparing for electroshock treatment.

  Jason stood nervously watching the actions on the edge of the hospital group, mesmerized by the organized bedlam of activity. He was conscious of a mad throbbing at his temples. His mind seemed in some kind of paroxysmal state. Then his eyes became riveted to the face of his brother. Like a master calendar for all the years, flashing and flipping its pages backward in time, the flickering cine scenes came to him, unbidden. Faces happy and sad, in play and in loss. His life, Carlton's life, together and apart, all a steady unraveling of the years. Jason stood among the people who were blurs of white and green, staring at the body on the gurney, helpless and alone. Tears slowly rose and tumbled down his cheeks.

  Then, an eerie sort of cessation came to the medical equipment and to Carlton's thrashing. A relative quiet fell over the room. The nurses, the aids, the doctor, the newly arrived intern, Jason, all looked at the equipment, the patient, and each other in an awkward acknowledgment, temporarily stupefied by the turn of events. The heart monitor beeped normally. The gurgling resumed a steady pattern of sound.

  Dr. Seeley checked the pulse and blood pressure of the patient. Carlton's cheeks had gained some modest color and his head settled quietly into the pillow. His eyes occasionally and lightly twitched as though trying to open. The doctor shook his head and stepped back from the gurney.

  After some adjustments were made Jason moved to his brother's side and looked down upon the suddenly placid face. He felt a warm and uncommon sensation go through his body. He was reminded in a flash of another time in their lives. It was a time when Carlton was sick with the flu and his face had held the same pink serenity that it did now. Looking down now at Carlton's relaxed countenance, Jason could see the former youth that was his playmate. The child showed himself in that quiescent moment. Carlton was nice to Jason at that time in their youth. He had not wanted Jason to leave his side, and Jason had felt an ambiguous need then to stay, to cater to his wishes. He had felt sibling love and a warm sense of pride and unity. Jason felt much the same now, looking down on his brother's body.

  Jason noticed the silence in the room. It was as though he and Carlton was all alone there for a time. He looked around and no one was there. They were alone. The doctor, someone, might have mentioned a brief absence but he had not heard. He sat lightly on the edge of the gurney, more a leaning than a sitting, and gazed again upon his brother.

  A sadness followed. He wanted to go back in time, really go back, to have another chance with his brother, to change the divergence of their ways. Unbidden, another tear rose and fell down his cheek. Then, another. More tears came and he soon was erupting with great heaving sobs. “Why, God, could we have not been more to each other?” he softly intoned.

  Carlton slowly opened his eyes. There was no anxiety or fear, the orbs calm and suffused with a poignant pathos.

  Jason stood quickly and leaned to touch his brother's arm. “Carlton, I'm here.” His voice was tinged with compassion, sadness, and hope.

  Carlton stared silently and steadily into Jason's eyes, a beckoning and sorrowful look. A sad smile slowly formed on Carlton's lips, a smile of secret knowing. A finger feebly moved, willing his bandaged hand to lift from his side.

  Jason noticed and gently placed his hand tenderly into Carlton's. “What do you need, Carlton? I will get it for you.”

  The lips quivered to speak, the smile still there, the eyes watery in their sorrow. Carlton conjured a forgotten will and finally spoke, his voice a wispy whisper of supplication. “Jason, forgive me, my dear brother. Tell grandmother that I love her.” It appeared that he wanted to say more, but his will abandoned him. He seemed to sink further into his pillow, the wistful smile lingering like a fragrant rose.

  Jason felt an awful agony in his heart as he neared some heretofore unknown, emotional precipice. Tears flowed down his cheeks and he tried to answer his brother's plea.

  Then, with a soft caress of his hand, Carlton closed his eyes. The smile upon his lips dwindled to a passive serenity. His hand now lay limp on Jason's palm. A near inaudible sigh escaped Carlton's lips, a rapturous resignation to his fate.

  Carlton Prince was dead.

  Oblivious to the noisy sounds of medical equipment being moved and people rushing into the room, Jason remained, staring upon his brother's face, not believing, not accepting, what his heart knew to be the truth. Jason did not heed the voices and he was finally, physically, unclasped from Carlton's hand and moved away from the gurney.

  *****

  The noble efforts were all for naught. The voices were sincere and caring, but the words fell in resonant bits of incomprehension upon his ears. Jason stood in a corner of the hospital room, a suffocating void consuming him, still denying, still clinging to a distant hope.

  He was finally led
from the death room, and the lights, the movement, and the people brought him around, enough so that he could accept at last the awful truth of Carlton's death.

  Jason submitted to the deluge of thought that came. Why had he not made more of an effort with Carlton? Why could he not have said 'I love you' before Carlton had died? What was he to say to his Grandma Myrena? He felt an emotional heaviness he had never known. Why? Why? Why? The truth was an ugly, stinging, serpent of pain. He was too busy with his own life, with his own world of selfish dreams, to heed Carlton's unvoiced call for help.

  Jason sat for a long time in the main hospital lobby, not motivated to move. He was possessed of a great lethargy of mind and spirit. His thoughts lazily bounced around his torpid brain.

  He finally acknowledged that Jenny sat waiting for him in the ER waiting room. So much of him wanted to go to her, to find solace and peace in her arms, to find a way to fill the void in his soul. But a nagging impediment would not be removed from his mind. He loved her but something was not right. It was the wrong moment for adjustments. His head swirled with cumbersome and conflicting thoughts, mixed with doubt and sorrow. He wanted to go to her, to receive her warmth, but he could not reconcile the nagging notions that toyed with his mind. There was a nebulous matter of faith, of loyalty, and of trust. Somehow, Jenny had violated some inner code which he had set up to judge her. Even among the heavy feelings of loss for his brother, these thoughts of Jenny persisted.

  He loved her but he could not go to her. He felt a sense of shame, a childish descent into sulky behavior, and he could not shake it. He could not somehow dismiss the feeling that Jenny was with Carlton. On his death bed Carlton had even asked for forgiveness. Jason did not want these ugly thoughts. They were so against his nature, but they were there, creeping, crawling, gnawing on his heart and on his brain. They were there, even in the midst of death's agony.