J K Rowling - [Harry Potter 0X]

by Harry Potter

  “I dunno,” replied Harry, in a mild state of shock, as he watched Ron’s Queen light up a tiny cigarette as it stood over Harry’s poor ravished Knight. “Maybe she’s making a potion or something.”

  At a quarter of five, Hermione finally walked down from her dorm and into the Common Room.

  “Let’s go out for dinner tonight,” Hermione offered and tucked a glass vial into her robes.

  “That’ll be great!” agreed Ron.

  Harry eyed his girlfriend suspiciously. He believed that his speculation about her making a potion all day was true because of the vial she had in her robes and wondered what kind of potion it was. After Ron led the way out of the Common Room, Hermione gave Harry a wink and a sly grin.

  “So, where should be go?” asked Ron when the trio entered McGonagall’s office.

  “The Leaky Cauldron,” answered Hermione.

  “That’s great,” Ron said gleefully. “I heard Tom’s making ice-cream now. I can’t wait to try some.”

  “NO!” Hermione and Harry shouted in unison. The taste of Tom’s horrible ice-cream still sent shivers up their spines.

  After using the floo to travel to the Cauldron, the three teens headed to an empty booth (that is after they picked Harry up off of the ground and repaired the table he had crashed into). But before they sat down, Hermione said, “There’s Tom. I have to speak to him for a second.”

  Hermione approached the bald tavern man and spoke to him in a very animated way. She gestured back to the booth where Harry and Ron where sitting and pointed directly at Ron. She then handed Tom the glass vial and he nodded knowingly.

  With a smile of accomplishment, Hermione returned to their table. Harry felt that she was putting on a show for some reason, but couldn’t tell why.

  A very short while later, Tom showed up at the table and handed the friends three pints of butterbeer. Hermione pointed nonchalantly at Ron’s pint in a questioning way and Tom gave her a quick nod in response.

  Before Harry could ask what his girlfriend was up to, Hermione raised her butterbeer and gave a toast. “Here’s to friends!” she announced.

  Ron and Harry clinked their glasses with Hermione’s and drank to friendship. Harry set his pint down and noticed that Ron had downed half of his butterbeer in a single gulp; apparently Ron was thirsty.

  Again, Harry was about to ask Hermione why she was acting in such a strange manner when she spoke up.

  “Ron, we have a confession to make,” Hermione said in an undertone. “Harry and I have set you up on a blind date.”

  “What? When?” Ron sputtered nervously.

  “Tonight,” Hermione answered. “With Luna.”

  “Looney!” Ron groaned.

  “I thought you said that she grew on you?” Hermione said, upset that Ron was using that rude nickname.

  “Yeah, she did,” Ron wrung his hands uneasily. “It’s just that with all the... problems I’ve been having lately, couldn’t you have set me up with the Patil twins instead?”

  Hermione rolled her eyes in a disappointed way while Harry nodded his head, as if he were saying “See I told you.”

  “Besides,” Ron continued. “I don’t think I’m up to dating just now.”

  “Except if it was the Patil twins, right?” asked Harry.

  “Oh, of course,” acknowledged Ron.

  “It doesn’t matter if you’re not up to it,” Hermione stated, obviously trying her best to ignore Harry and Ron’s comments about twins. “I made a mild Lust potion earlier today, and I just had Tom pour it in your butterbeer.”

  “What?” demanded Harry as Ron gulped anxiously and stared at his half-drunk pint.

  “But this isn’t like that simple little potion that Ginny slipped me,” Hermione stated proudly. “No, I made this potion specifically keyed so that there would be an attraction between Luna and yourself, and only between you two. I knew that you’d probably have some difficulty with dating given your recent... adventures, so I decided to help you overcome them.”

  “You spiked his drink with a Lust Potion?” Harry asked with shock.

  Tiny beads of sweat popped up all over Ron’s brow.

  “Just a mild one,” Hermione explained and discreetly gave Harry a wink. “It’s just going to help him along.”

  Before Harry could think about what the wink meant, Luna Lovegood walked up to the table.

  “Hullo, Ronald,” she said dreamily. Harry’s jaw dropped open as did Hermione’s. Luna had spent a lot of time making herself up for this date, and it showed. Her hair was tied up in a pretty bun and she had just a touch of eye-shadow that accentuated her blue eyes. She wore a baby blue robe and hugged her body and showed something that Harry had never noticed before about Luna.

  She was stacked.

  Apparently, Luna had always been previously dressing in unflattering robes that would hide her large breasts, but she had obviously chosen this set of robes to show them off. And boy did she ever.

  “They’re huge,” Harry heard Hermione muttered and saw that his girlfriend’s eyes were fixed on Luna’s large mounds.

  “H-h-h-hello Luna,” Ron squeaked as he looked into her eyes - and as mentioned before, when a bloke says he’s looking in a girl’s eyes, he means he’s looking at her boobs. Luna giggled and proudly shoved her chest up, causing both Harry and Ron to audibly gulp.

  Luna sat down and greeted Harry and Hermione. “Hullo, you two.”

  “Hi, Luna,” Harry returned the greeting, amazed at how Luna’s breasts rested on the table top. ‘How can such a small witch have such big boobs?’ Harry wondered internally. To him, it looked like someone had stuck two grapefruits to a twig.

  “They’re huge,” Hermione repeated dazedly.

  After a moment of silence, Ron was able to tear his eyes away from Luna’s orbs and look at her properly. He gulped and spoke softly to large-chested blonde. “Luna, I have to warn you about something. Hermione spiked my drink.”

  “She spiked your drink? What with?” Luna asked with her eyebrows knitted.

  “A Lust Potion; one that will work only between you and me. She says she did it to help me get over my nervousness,” explained Ron.

  Luna eyed Ron’s tainted pint for a moment, and then suddenly picked up the glass and drank the remaining liquid in one gulp. She let out a soft belch as she set the empty glass down. “There now, both of us have had the Lust Potion, so we’re on a level playing field.”

  Ron snorted and smiled shortly before Luna pounced on him. Their lips crashed into each other.

  “Did you really spike the drink?” asked Harry in a near whisper, as he watched Ron and Luna go at it like a pair of crazed nymphomaniacs.

  “No,” admitted Hermione in a similar volume, as she too watched the spectacle in front of her. “I remembered how you were able to trick Ron into believing that you slipped him the Felix Felicis last year, and how he truly believed he was lucky. I realized just how susceptible he is to suggestion...”

  Hermione paused as Luna made a show of shoving her tongue down Ron’s throat.

  “Then what were you doing all day?” Harry asked. “And that smell that was coming from your dorm-”

  “I was just boiling some old socks today to give the impression that I was brewing a potion,” answered Hermione as she watched in shock. “Then just now, I asked Tom to throw away the useless vial, and, as part of a prank, to simply nod when I pointed at Ron.”

  Ron paused in his ravishing of Luna’s lips to squeeze one of her overly large tits in his hand twice. Along with each squeeze, Ron made a childish noise.

  “Honk-honk,” Ron said with glee.

  “Did he...?” Hermione began, but was too shocked to continue.

  “Yes, he just honked her tit,” Harry finished. “Twice.”

  Luna apparently decided that her un-squeezed tit was jealous, so she reached up and repeated Ron’s performance on herself.

  “Honk-honk,” Luna sounded causing Ron to giggle like a boy who was just given a
sugar-quill to suck on. And apparently, the sugar-quill analogy was very appropriate, because Ron’s lips clamped onto Luna’s tit and began to suckle it through the cloth of her robes.

  “I knew that Ron was vulnerable to suggestion,” Hermione murmured while Luna moaned passionately, “but I didn’t know Luna was just as bad.”

  Harry looked around the Leaky Cauldron and was pleased to see that no one in the pub had noticed Ron and Luna’s actions yet. But it would only be a matter of time before they did. He was about to try and separate the two new lovers when Luna did something very unexpected, but not unfamiliar to Harry.

  She licked her palm.

  “Oh, no,” gasped Hermione, just as Luna shoved her wet hand in Ron’s trousers. Ron’s eyes crossed and he groaned happily as Luna obviously found her target.

  “Let’s get out of here,” both Harry and Hermione blurted. They shot out of the booth and scurried to the fireplace and floo’ed back to Hogwarts while Luna and Ron continued to - ahem - get to know each other. Before Harry disappeared from the Leaky Cauldron, he could’ve sworn that he heard Ron grunt and Luna giggle.

  “That didn’t take long,” Harry said and picked himself off of the ground in McGonagall’s office.

  “What didn’t take long?” Hermione asked. Harry just gave her a knowing look in response. “He didn’t? So soon?”

  “I didn’t last long the first time with you,” Harry defended his friend.

  “You didn’t finish the first time with me,” corrected Hermione.

  As the couple made their way out of the Headmistress’ office, Harry recalled that along with setting Ron up with Luna, Hermione also wanted this night to be their first date as well. This was supposed to be a special night for Hermione, her first date with him but it was already over. Suddenly, Harry realized that the night was still young and he had an idea as to how to continue their date. And by Merlin, he’d make it special for her.

  Taking her hand, Harry led Hermione out of the office and down toward the entrance to the castle.

  “Harry, where are we going?” Hermione asked. “The Common Room is in the other direction, and there’s something I need to do.”

  “It can wait,” replied Harry.

  “But-”

  “Too bad,” Harry cut off her objections. “Tonight’s our first date.”

  Without another word of objection, Hermione let Harry take her out of the castle and onto the grounds. The two walked on the shore of the lake, looking up at the stars and talked. Since they already knew everything about each other, there was no need to try and impress each other with stories about themselves. Some times they simply talked about how pretty the stars looked, and other times they didn’t even utter a sound; they just sat on the shore, holding each other in comfortable silence.

  After a little over an hour, Harry and Hermione headed back to the castle.

  “Do you think they’ll be okay?” asked Harry as the two lovers walked toward the Gryffindor Common Room.

  “They should, seeing that Ron came before we left. They should come to their senses before anyone in the Leaky Cauldron catches them,” said Hermione. She then giggled and stated; “Can you imagine the look on Tom’s face if he realized that Luna was playing with Ron’s penis in one of his booths?”

  Harry blushed and averted his eyes when Hermione said that word.

  “Harry, are you okay?” Hermione asked when Harry turned his head.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” Harry replied.

  A wry smile crept across Hermione’s lips and she breathed in Harry’s ear; “Penis.”

  “Gah,” Harry groaned and recoiled away from Hermione.

  “Penis, Harry,” chuckled Hermione, and he flinched again. “Penis, penis, penis.”

  “Stop saying that word,” Harry hissed.

  “What word, Harry?” asked Hermione with mock innocence. “Penis?”

  “Yes!”

  “Why?”

  “’Cuz it’s a dirty word,” explained Harry.

  “All right; let me say three things,” began Hermione as they continued their walk. “First; it isn’t a dirty word. Second, I seem to recall a positive reaction from you when I talked dirty to you when I was under the effects of your super-Cheering Charm, so I know you like it when I talk dirty. And thirdly, I’ve heard you say penis before.”

  “Yeah, but only like ‘Percy’s a penis’,” corrected Harry.

  “So you can’t say something like ‘I really enjoy when Hermione plays with my penis’?” inquired Hermione with a devilish smile.

  Harry gulped and Hermione taunted; “C’mon Harry; say it.”

  Harry really did want to say it because it was true. But he found that he couldn’t do it.

  “Fine then, since you can’t say penis,” continued Hermione, “what do you call it?”

  Harry felt his face burn with embarrassment.

  “Perhaps ‘Little Harry’?” Hermione asked.

  “Hermione, never use the word ‘little’ when talking about that,” whined Harry. She obviously didn’t know the first law of masculinity: ‘Never use the world small, little, or tiny in the same sentence where referring to your bits.’

  “Okay, how about ‘General Happy-Time’? ‘Mr. Happy Staff’? ‘Beef Bayonet’? ‘Love Wand’? ‘Slong’? ‘John Thomas’? ‘Wily; the One Eyed-Wizard’? ‘Todger’?” Hermione charged on, “‘Tonsil Tickler’? ‘Mushroom Stamp’? ‘Skin Flute’? ‘Hooded Wizard’?”

  “‘Harry, Jr.’” Harry admitted shamefully.

  “Oh, ‘Harry, Jr.’ is it?” Hermione returned, obviously poking fun of Harry’s euphemism.

  “Yes,” Harry hung his head. He knew it was a childish name and he was embarrassed that he had admitted it to Hermione.

  “Let’s make a deal; if you can say ‘penis’ and not be embarrassed by it like a child,” Hermione began, “I’ll give you another ‘birthday pres-’”

  “PENIS!” shouted Harry. The memory of the infamous ‘birthday present’ gave him the courage to get past his childish fears. Of course, he had said the word “penis” so loud that every painting in the hallway woke up and stared at the wizard.

  “How rude,” a painting of an old witch chastised.

  “The manners of young people today,” a crumpled looking wizard commented.

  “Now say; ‘I want my penis in Hermione’s mouth,’” commanded Hermione.

  “What did she say?” the old witch asked in scandal. “Such an improper thing for a witch to-”

  “Shut it, ya old bird,” the crumpled wizard barked. “This is getting interesting.

  “I want my penis in Hermione’s mouth,” Harry repeated without a stutter, shutting out the chatter of the paintings.

  “They way they’re talking, it would lead people to believe that they will do it right here in this very hall,” the old witch said in an appalled manner.

  “We can only hope that they do,” the crumply wizard added.

  Hermione bit her lip seductively and asked; “How bad do you want it?”

  ‘Harry, Jr.’ - no, Harry’s penis jumped up and begged. “Very much,” Harry groaned.

  “No, Great One, do not be doing that!” a tiny voice squeaked from somewhere in the shadows.

  “Not now!” hissed Harry.

  “Who’s there?” asked Hermione as she scanned the hall around her.

  Dozens of House-Elves skulked out of the shadows and stood in front of Hermione.

  “Have you been following me?” asked the brunette witch.

  “We’s is sorry, oh Great One,” one of the house-elves humbly admitted. “But we’s can’t be letting you’s do those nasty things with the One of the Mark.”

  Two house-elves were even brave enough to stand between Harry and Hermione, as if to block them from coming too close to each other. Harry had to consider them to be brave, since he was about to kill the whole lot of them. If the house-elves succeeded in stopping Hermione and Harry from having fun, this would be the second time in two days he
would have be denied his fun. First, Remus and Tonks’ joke stopped Hermione from giving Harry a hand-job, and now these effing elves were trying to stop her from giving Harry another ‘birthday present’!

  “Oh, I understand,” Hermione said softly to the house elves. “You’re absolutely right; I’ve learned my lesson and won’t be touching the One of the Mark.”

  Harry’s heart sank as relief washed over the house-elves; they had gotten their wish and Harry was denied a blow-job. Harry was positive that he was about to have a stroke. Not a little one either, it was going to one of the big ones, where he’d end up a drooling vegetable.

  “Thank you’s, oh Great One,” one elf cried.

  “No, thank you for stopping me from doing wrong,” Hermione said back. “But I need you to do me a favor,”

  “Anything, oh Great One,” the elves all called out.

  “I need you to go out into the world and tell your brethren that I have finally come,” Hermione said a little over-dramatically. Every single house-elf squealed in delight and disappeared with a pop. “Now that they’re out of the way... it’s time for your present.”

  Harry felt his eyes well up with tears of relief and happiness. Hermione once again took Harry’s hand and headed off to the Gryffindor Tower. Harry paused when a sudden realization dawned upon him.

  “What if Ron’s up there already?” he asked.

  “Then we tell him to have a good night and retreat to the Common Room. After locking him in his dorm, of course,” offered Hermione. “Besides, even if he and Luna eventually realize that they were never exposed to a real Lust Potion, they would still talk for a bit and what not.”

  The two young lovers passed the Fat Lady and climbed the stairs to Harry’s room and were overjoyed to see it empty. Hermione was right; apparently, Ron was still with Luna, which made Harry very happy. They wouldn’t have to tromp back down to the Common Room after all; he could play with Hermione without fear of interruption. Taking her in his arms, Harry devoured Hermione’s face with both big and small kisses.