All for Maddie

by Jettie Woodruff

  “No, what would I even say?”

  “You ask him what the ffff—what the heck he is doing.” Regan demanded, pulling the rein on her language.

  “No, I’m just going to wait. I ruined Christmas for Maddie. I’m not going to ruin her birthday too.”

  “I kind of already told her she could stay,” Regan admitted. “We were going to take them for pizza and a movie later.”

  “You’re as bad as your brother.” I accused.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You guys just make decisions without even consulting with me. I hate that.”

  “What is wrong with you today? Is it that time of month?”

  “UGH! Yes, but still.”

  Regan laughed. “Let me keep Maddie, and you go home and talk to my brother and tell him to stop being an idiot.”

  “I have a feeling you wouldn’t be so calm about it if it was Vince who you saw kissing another woman.”

  “No, I would cut his nuts off. Now go home and cut Alex’s nuts off.”

  I didn’t go home. I went to the bar. I was planning on going home, but somehow my car seemed to automatically turn down Turner Road. I ordered some food first, knowing I couldn’t drink anything without some food in my stomach and then sat alone at the bar, drinking one drink after another. I wasn’t rude to my biker friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, but they caught on pretty quick, knowing I wanted to be alone.

  “You doing okay?” My friend Rex who had tried to help me before, the last time I ran away.

  I smiled over at him, slumped on the bar. “Yeah, I’m okay, Rex.”

  “You should quit. You’ve had enough? Need a ride home?”

  “Nah, I’m going to drive that expensive car right out there, try sideswipe me a couple guardrails on the way home,” I replied with a bit of a slur that I noticed myself. I hadn’t noticed the bartender on his phone nor did I notice the fifty calls from Alex. I silenced my phone, refusing to look at it or the profuse amount of texts that he sent.

  “I’ll see ya around okay, Rex,” I said, sliding of my stool. Whoa, I was drunk.

  “Ahh, come on. Where you going? Drink one more with me,” Rex coaxed.

  “Okay,” I easily replied, plopping back to the stool. I didn’t care. I had nowhere to go. I didn’t mind drinking there all night.

  I didn’t even get my last drink that I argued had no alcohol in it. Rex tasted it, making an awful face.

  “That thing has plenty of alcohol in it,” he lied. I started to argue back when I heard Alex.

  “Thanks for calling, guys,” he offered.

  “We didn’t call you. We called Regan,” Rex assured him, giving him a once over.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked not trying to hide my anger at all.

  “I’m taking you home. Come on.” He tried taking my elbow. I jerked away from him and stumbled my way to my feet.

  “Don’t you fucking touch me. Don’t you ever fucking touch me again. You got that, ALEX!” I yelled his name.

  “Whitley. What the hell is going on here? What’s wrong?”

  “Wrong? Nothing is wrong with me. There has never been anything wrong with me. It’s you. You’re the one that has something wrong. You’re the one that needs fucking medication, not me. The only thing wrong with me is you. I want you the fuck out of my life.”

  “Let’s go,” he ordered.

  “Don’t fucking put your hands on me.” I warned with a crooked finger.

  “Then walk your ass out that door and get in the car,” he countered, getting angry.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you. I hate you. Why don’t you go fuck your little model again? I’m sure she’d love that. You’re really, really good in bed, Alex. I’m sure she’d love to see you again.”

  “GO! Right this second before I throw you over my shoulder and carry your ass out.”

  I walked toward the door, not because I was afraid of Alex. I needed air. I was suddenly sick. I did let him hold onto my arm as I descended the four steps, making it to the side of the building just in time. God, I was never getting drunk again. I hated alcohol.

  I rode all the way home with my arms crossed and my forehead on the cool glass. We were two blocks from the house and I was willing my stomach to hang on two more minutes. It didn’t listen and in all honesty, I didn’t care. I opened my legs and heaved right to the floor of Alex’s one in 1000 sports car.

  “Goddamnit, Whitley,” Alex yelled. I laughed.

  “You deserve that, Alex. You deserve a lot of shit,” I retaliated, wiping my mouth with my shirt.

  Alex didn’t reply. I was starting to piss him off….good.

  “I’m not sleeping in your bed. I’m never sleeping in your bed again,” I assured him as he opened my door, helping me to my feet from the low riding car.

  Alex never tried to talk to me at all that night. He was as angry as I was. He never tried to stop me when I went to my downstairs room and fell across the bed. He never came in, demanding that I get in the shower or take off my shoes like he normally would have. Maybe he was tired of me too. Maybe he did want to move on to the hot little model. I needed a shower. I could smell puke in my hair and my mind was jumping from the seriousness of Alex and me to stupid little things like that.

  <><><>

  “Come on, wake up and take these,” I heard, moaning as I rolled over, burying my head from the bright sun, pouring through the opened curtain.

  “What are you doing here? What time is it?” I asked, seeing my step mother, sitting on my bed with a glass of water and a closed hand.

  “Maddie is four today, remember?” she reminded me with a tone. Alex already got to them. I was once again the bad guy, ruining Maddie’s day. Ugh. I fucking hated him.

  “Where is Maddie?” I asked, sitting up. My head hurt. My head hurt like crazy.

  “It’s ready,” Alex said from the door.

  “Come on, let’s get you bathed,” Dana coaxed, standing. And once again I was the imbecile that needed to be taken care of, not Alex, not the one who truly needed help, me, always seeking trouble Whitley.

  “Where is Maddie?” I asked again. It was her birthday. I wanted to see her.

  “She’s at the Wesson’s. Your dad just ran her dress over to them. She’s getting ready there and will be here at two for her party,” Dana answered.

  I looked around for my phone still not knowing what time it was. I couldn’t find it. I always lost that thing after a drunk night. I didn’t ask the time again. I could feel the tension and could only imagine what Alex had already told my family.

  I walked past Alex with a glare, looking at the clock down the hall as I made my way to the bathroom, where evidently a bath was waiting for me. I couldn’t believe that it was almost noon.

  “Can you bring her a cup of coffee?” Alex asked, following me to the bathroom, talking to my stepmother as if I was a child needing to be taken care of.

  “You can leave,” I demanded, undressing.

  “Just get in, Whitley.”

  “Did you fuck her, Alex?” I asked, removing my shorts from the day before.

  “No. What the hell is this all about, Whitley? We were doing great. Why do you have to go and act like this?”

  “Why do I have to act like this? Why don’t you look in that mirror?” I nodded. “Did you do anything else with her?” I asked, sliding into the amazing hot water. He looked away.

  “Did you have your hands in her pants? Did you finger fuck her, she give you a blowjob? What, Alex. Tell me what you did.”

  “Whitley, I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep with her. I swear.”

  “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?” I screamed as Dana came in with a cup of coffee. She handed it to Alex and left. Alex didn’t have to make me out to be crazy. I was doing a good job at that myself.

  Alex sat the hot cup on the side of the tub. I wanted to throw it right in his face. He couldn’t even answer me.

  “I fucked up, Whit. I let her ge
t in the way of my thinking. I love you. I’m sorry, and I swear on my life, I will never touch another woman but you for the rest of my life.”

  “You’re never touching me. You got that, Mr. Wesson? I don’t ever want your fucking hands anywhere near me. Get out!” I demanded through gritted teeth, needing him to be far, far away from me. “I’m done.”

  What the hell? I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want that ass to think he held that much power over me. What a stupid fool I was. What a fool I was to believe that Alex and I could actually be a family. The tears just kept coming, and the next thing I knew Dana was brushing out my hair as I cried. She left when Dr. Pierce entered with Alex right behind. I snorted and took the two tiny pills from his hand, declining the water. It wouldn’t have done me a bit of good to protest. They were going to make me take them whether I wanted to or not. I didn’t even ask what the hell I was taking. I didn’t care.

  Thank God Maddie was only four and wouldn’t remember most of this. Hopefully she didn’t remember her mommy sitting off to the side in some sort of valium induced coma as she played the birthday games with her friends and family. I didn’t even want to follow her inside to see her birthday present, hiding out in her room. Thank God for Regan. She knew what was going on and took an abundant amount of photos for me. Regan was the only one on the face of the planet that truly knew me, knew her brother and was there for me, really there for me.

  Maddie never left her room. She was so into her new zoo and placing each and every animal in a particular place. She loved it. The zoo was the biggest hit of all her gifts.

  By five in the evening the party had wound down and the party crew was cleaned up and gone. I stayed with Maddie, watching from her bed as she talked and busied herself with her favorite new toy. I never even came out to say goodbye to our guests. There was no need. They all knew that I was having some sort of relapse. Lord only knew what Alex had told them.

  “The monkeys need trees, Mom,” Maddie said more to herself than me, looking for trees to place with her monkeys.

  I got up and went to the floor with her. “There are some trees in here,” I explained, looking through the box with all the accessories. She smiled the biggest smile ever when we found them, placing them in the corner for her monkeys.

  “Hey, Maddie Bug, come and say goodbye to Papaw and Nana,” Alex said to the door, looking at me and not her.

  “I have a play wif dis,” she assured him, ignoring him.

  “You have to what?”

  “I have to play with this,” she corrected. I gave him a dirty look. She was four. My baby would lose her baby talk by the end of the year. Why couldn’t he leave her alone?

  “You can play in a minute. Come and say goodbye.”

  I got up when Maddie ran out to see my dad off, knowing I was about to create another battle, or so I thought anyway. “I’m going home,” I told Alex, walking past him to tell my dad that I was leaving with him. He grabbed my arm.

  “You’re not taking Maddie,” he threatened. I jerked away from his grasp.

  “You win, you fuck face. I will be the weekend mom. I will do whatever I have to do to get the fuck away from you. I hate your fucking guts and every last thing that you’ve ever done to me. You know one thing, Alex Wesson. I will get my daughter back, and she will be living back at the resort with me. That’s not a threat. That’s a fucking promise,” I assured as I glared and walked past him.

  It broke my heart into tiny little pieces when I hugged Maddie goodbye, promising to call her later and I’d see her in a few days.

  “I go too,” she said as I held her on my lap.

  “Daddy wants to play with your new zoo with you, and you have more toys to open yet. Don’t you want to stay here and play with your zoo and open your toys?” I looked up to Alex with a look that I wasn’t sure of. He looked scared yet pissed. He never fought for me a bit. He let me walk out the door and climb into the backseat of Dana’s car.

  “Whitley, I don’t think this is such a good idea. You belong right here with Maddie,” my dad started in on me as soon as we were in the car.

  “Don’t worry. Maddie will be with me soon,” I assured him. She would be with me. Somehow, someway, I was getting her and our life back. I’d figure it out.

  “I’m not sure you’re stable enough to take care of Maddie right now,” he admitted. That pissed me off.

  I looked at him through the rearview mirror with a scorn. “You have no idea who the fuck Alex Wesson even is.” I spouted.

  “You’re not going to talk to me like that, Whitley,” he ordered. I was barely twenty-two years old and had never in my life talked to my father like that. I couldn’t help it. He didn’t know Alex. He knew the wolf, wearing the sheep’s clothing Alex. I didn’t reply and stared out the window, hiding silent tears. Wishing I could go back to before Alex showed up. I thought about my life and how he’d turned everyone I knew against me, except for his own sister.

  My dad asked if I wanted a sandwich when he drove through a fast food joint. I declined. I’d be home to my cozy little cabin in less than an hour. I could wait, not that I had any food there, but still.

  “If you need anything, I’m just up the lane,” my dad offered as I exited the vehicle. I only smiled. I was angry with him. He of all people should have been there for me, not be the first person to jump on Alex’s band wagon.

  My cozy little cabin didn’t feel cozy at all. It smelled musty and hollow, as if it had lost its soul. Maddie; that’s what it was missing. Maddie needed to be there, running around being silly. Her laughter was missing, her toys needed to be strung about, I needed to clean the mess from her cooking something in the kitchen. What the hell was I supposed to do? I knew I could never live without her, but I refused to live by Alex’s dictations for one more second. I couldn’t do it anymore. There had to be away to figure this out. I would do it right after I plopped to the sofa and cried for forty-three minutes straight. I know the exact time because I watched the digital numbers change on Maddie’s pink DVD player.

  “Hello,” I said, trying to pull myself together. I didn’t want to answer that call. I had to. As long as he had my daughter I would always have to answer Alex’s calls.

  “Whit? Are you crying?”

  “No, Alex. What the hell do you want? Where’s Maddie?”

  “Playing with her zoo for three hours straight. She loves it. She hasn’t played with anything but that.”

  “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?”

  “Whit, can’t we talk about this? I miss you, Maddie misses you. Please, come home.”

  “I am home, Alex. I don’t want you, and you’re not running my life anymore.”

  “I don’t want to run your life, Whitley. I want you to be my equal. I want to share everything with you. I love you.”

  “You don’t love anyone. I’m not doing this, Alex. Tell my daughter I will call her in a little bit.”

  “Whitley, will you just listen to me? I swear to God nothing happened with Mariah. It was nothing, a stupid kiss. Please come home to me.”

  “Nope,” I said after hitting the end button. There was nothing that he had to say that I needed to hear. He could go to hell.

  <><><>

  The first couple of days without Maddie were the worst. I talked to her three times a day or more, but it wasn’t the same. I missed her like crazy. The first couple of weeks I avoided my dad and Dana, spent a lot of time at our little beach, and drowning in my sorrow with a bottle of Jack. It never helped, not even when I was drunk. I had to shake that off and start living. I was never going to get my daughter back by living on booze and Cheerios.

  I was going to spend the weekend with Maddie at Regan’s, and then start working at the resort again the second I got back. I wanted to go and get her for the weekend and bring her home with me. Fuck face, Alex wouldn’t let me, but did agree to let me see her at Regan’s. I would take it. I had never gone that long without seeing her.

  I started praying about half way there w
hen the check engine light came on. I couldn’t break down. Come on old truck. You can do it, I coaxed, babying it the rest of the way. I had to get it looked at before I headed back, but I had no money, Vince was a pretty boy, he knew nothing about cars, and I wasn’t about to ask Alex for one silver nickel. I’d walk home first.

  Maddie ran to the truck as soon as I pulled in. I had spoken to Regan and had her go pick her up, not wanting to see Alex. I talked to him on a have to basis and that was it. He was slowly catching on, figuring out that we were through.

  “I missed you so much,” I said, picking Maddie up and kissing her all over. I swear she grew in that two weeks.

  “I did too,” she replied with the happiest smile ever.

  Vince was out of town and Regan planned the entire weekend for a girl’s only fun holiday. She wanted to go out of town to her in-laws lake house. Alex wouldn’t let her take Maddie out of the county. He was such a dick. I fucking hated him more now than I ever did.

  We went out to eat, skating, and to a movie Friday night. I did have a blast. Maddie wouldn’t let me out of her sight and held my hand the entire day. It made me feel like a horrible mother for leaving her, but I was getting her back. I had the prior two weeks to sulk and get my shit together. I was going home, getting back to work, and hiring a lawyer to help me. I didn’t want to bring Regan in the middle, but had already decided that if I needed to, I would subpoena her to court.

  Rex came over and put a new water pump on my old truck on Saturday, assuring me I could drive to New York and back now. I was thankful that Regan had biker friends. Saturday was bitter sweet. We spent the day at Regan’s around the pool. I should have been enjoying my daughter while I had her. I wasn’t doing that. I was sad that I was going to leave her again the following day.

  I kept her awake way past her bed time, talking and being silly with her. I didn’t want to read the book that she insisted I read. She was going to fall asleep. Finally, after her third request I read her the story and then rubbed her sleeping back after she fell asleep half way into the book. I kissed her head, her eyes, her nose, her pouty little lips, and every part of her little body. God, I just wanted to put her in the truck and run away with her again.