All for Maddie

by Jettie Woodruff

  I smiled. He was right. We didn’t have that kind of relationship. “Yeah, I guess you’re right, but you’re still my best drunk buddy.”

  “Yeah, I don’t see that happing again,” he disappointedly replied, walking past me with another box. He was right. Not only was I not going to be with him again. I was not going to be drunk again. I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be. Nobody would ever take a picture of me doing anything that I wouldn’t want my daughter seeing me do again.

  That was a nice thought. It lasted until about eight o’clock when I had to change Maddie’s dressing and listen to her scream. I knew it hurt her, and I knew she had every right in the world to scream at the top of her lungs, but damn did I need a drink. I laid her down on the kitchen counter and washed her hair with the spray hose, figuring I may as well get the screaming over in one shot. I sat her up, dried her hair, and kissed her head trying to soothe her calm as I sponged bathed her on the counter.

  “I want my daddy,” she cried.

  “Daddy will call before you go to bed, sweetie,” I replied, hoping that I wasn’t lying to her. Why wasn’t he calling to check on her? He didn’t have to want to talk to me, but he did need to talk to Maddie. She didn’t understand any of this. Hell, I didn’t understand any of it.

  “I call Daddy,” she countered. I didn’t know whether I should let her try or not. She of course knew. As soon as I had her settled down with more pain medicine, clean bandages, and cozy pajamas, she went for my phone.

  She climbed up on the couch and swiped her little finger across the screen. I smiled, she was way too smart for her own good. She hit the green phone button and went right to the number five where she knew would speed dial him. She held the phone to her ear, sucking in breaths from her crying spree.

  “Him still at work,” she said, handing the phone to me.

  “Maybe he’ll call when he gets done. Do you want something to eat?”

  “Um, I have a cheeseburger,” she decided.

  “A cheeseburger?” I asked. I was hoping for mac and cheese, a hot dog or a grilled cheese. I didn’t have any burger laid out to fry for her. “Mommy doesn’t have any hamburger out, baby. How about a hot dog?”

  “No, Jaron cook me a cheeseburger, okay?”

  I smiled. I couldn’t tell the kid no right now. “Okay, here, you tell him to bring you a cheeseburger.” I dialed the number and handed her my phone.

  “You fix me a cheeseburger?” she asked when he answered. I smiled, listening to her say yes and no, and no to a vanilla milkshake, and that she needed a chocolate one.

  I turned on cartoons and ran to the shower, hoping she stayed awake long enough to eat. She was sitting on Jaron’s lap eating when I came out. He was fast. I didn’t expect him that soon.

  “Hey thanks, Jaron,” I smiled.

  “Ahh, no problem. I’d do anything for this kid,” he said, holding the burger to her mouth for another bite. She was too engrossed in Nickelodeon to eat it without being coaxed. “I brought you a burger and fries too,” he said, nodding toward the bar.

  “Thanks, I’m kind of hungry.”

  Jaron didn’t stay long. I had to change Maddie’s gauze again because of the milkshake spill. He didn’t want to see it, and was out of there as soon as I took her shirt off.

  “My daddy not call me,” she whined as I carefully pulled the bandage from her chest. She wasn’t forgetting. I needed her to forget. She was breaking my heart and he was pissing me off.

  I dressed her and dialed his number, trying to stay calm and not lash out at him when he answered. I didn’t have to worry about it. He didn’t answer.

  “Him still working?” she asked with big brown eyes.

  “Is he still working?” I corrected her for whatever reason.

  “Is him?”

  I smiled, not correcting her the second time. “Yes, Daddy must still be working.”

  “Him is real busy,” she decided right before she screamed as the air hit her wounds. I laid her on the couch and applied the Silvadene cream, careful not to let my fingers come in contact to her skin.

  “Do you want to sleep in bed with Mommy?” I asked, sitting her up for a clean shirt as she sucked in breaths of air from crying.

  “Uh-huh,” she whined. I picked her up and flipped off the television.

  “I need a read a book,” she whimpered.

  “Jaron brought you a new book. Do you want to read it?” I asked, placing her on the bed.

  “OUCH!” she yelled when she twisted her body to craw towards the pillows.

  “Careful, sweetie.”

  “What that book about?” she asked, once the stretching pain subsided.

  “Hmm, I think it’s about a little girl that fell from her bike and got hurt. She had to spend the night in the hospital.”

  “I did spend the night there too. Me didn’t like it. I not fall off the bike, I cook,” she reminded me. “I read that book.”

  Maddie actually made it through the entire book before falling asleep in my arms. I lay there stroking her hair and kissing her head as my thoughts went to Alex. What was he doing? I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t calling. He hadn’t gone that long without talking to her since the day he met her. I should call Regan. No. God, what was I thinking? This is what I wanted. I got everything that I wanted. I didn’t need him to call. I didn’t need to talk to him.

  Maddie whined a little when I slid her down, forgetting about the pain in her chest when she started to roll to her stomach. I flipped the lamp off and tried to forget about the pain in my own chest.

  <><><>

  An entire week had gone by without a word from Alex. He knew we would be in Lincoln that morning for Maddie’s doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to be there or want to see her. She never stopped asking about him, never stopped trying to call him, and was constantly talking about him and the silly things they did together.

  I almost called Regan before we left after hearing the good news of Maddie not needing skin graft as of yet. Her doctor wanted to see her again in a week, but was very pleased with the results thus far. I didn’t make that phone call. It was best that I left well enough alone. I did, however, argue with my dad over the phone when I told him that I hadn’t seen him and I never called. He, of course, thought I was being the childish one and needed to call Alex. He felt sorry for him, knowing how he must feel about what happened to Maddie. I was sure that of all the men on the face of the earth, he would have chosen Alex for Maddie and me.

  “Stop being so stubborn and call him, Whitley,” my dad demanded.

  “I’m not calling him, Dad. The phone works both ways. He doesn’t want to talk to us.”

  “None of this would have ever happened if you hadn’t left them to come back here for whatever reason.” Now I was pissed. He knew nothing. He saw Alex the saint. He didn’t know any of it.

  “Yes, I know, Dad. Alex is the glorified soul. I’m just the unbalanced crazy one. I’m not doing this with you. It’s really none of your business. I’ll see you later.” I hung up. I had to. Maddie was beside me in the truck.

  Maddie was a smart little cookie. She knew exactly where we were and wanted to turn down the road that would take us to Trenton’s. I lied and told her they weren’t home. She wanted to turn down Gaylord Street to go to the zoo where her daddy might be, and then wanted to go to her preschool when we passed that building too. I sidetracked her mind with bribes and trivial distractions.

  We sang nursery rhymes and talked about four year old important stuff as we made our way back to the resort. Maddie dozed off about an hour from home, leaving me to the thoughts of her unbelievable father and the next thing that he had done for me to add to my ‘why I hate him list.’

  One week became two and two became three. Three visits to the doctor in the last three weeks with no Alex. Maddie started to ask about him less and less and jumped right back into being the resort brat, getting anything and everything she wanted from my
dad and everyone else who came within twenty feet of her. Her burn didn’t hurt her anymore and didn’t have to be covered with bandages every day.

  That Friday’s ride to Lincoln to the doctor wreaked havoc on my nerves. Maddie was the biggest brat ever. Acting like she was two rather than four with her constant screaming and whining. Nothing made her happy and I needed a break. It was the first time since she had gotten hurt that I felt like I needed a break from her. I actually felt guilty, but only briefly when she tossed the unwanted juice to the floorboard of the truck. She wanted pop, not juice.

  Thank God, my dad was waiting for her in the parking lot. I needed to step away from my child. Something had to give and I had to lay the law down if I was going live there. I couldn’t let them walk all over me and override what I said when it came to Maddie anymore. She had gone from a sweet little princess to the worst four year old in the state. Alex would be furious with how she had been acting. Oh lord, why did I give a shit about what he thought?

  “What’s the matter, baby?” my dad asked, taking her from the truck.

  “Mommy not let me have pop,” she cried, going to him as soon as I sat her to the ground.

  “Come on, Papaw will get you some pop.”

  I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t at the time. I’d start that new rule the following day. My dad handed me the stack of mail that he had just retrieved and walked off with my daughter. I rolled my eyes and walked into the office to get a rag for the juice. I plopped the mail on the desk and started to the back for rags when I noticed the corner of one of the envelopes saying Alex Wesson. I stopped and flipped through the pile. Two of the envelopes now held my attention. One was from him personally and one was from the county court. That one made me smile. I knew he wasn’t giving up. Alex didn’t work that way. I opened that one first.

  “You okay?” the girl who had taken my place asked as I sank to the chair in front of the desk. I didn’t reply.

  I signed over my custody rights without knowing what I signed. Alex wasn’t doing that. He was signing over all parental rights. He didn’t want Maddie anymore. I won. All I had to do was sign it in front of a notary and he was out of the picture. He would no longer be an issue in my life. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

  I grabbed the other envelope and quickly opened it as well. No letter, no explanation, and not one word about Maddie, just a check. I held the twenty five hundred dollar check in my hand, reading the typed up letter from his attorney. He would send a check for her every month, her doctor and dental bills would be paid by him and she had a college fund that would also be taken care of by Alex Wesson.

  I took both envelops and stormed out, forgetting about the mess that was going to attract bees in my truck.

  “Alex! Answer your goddamn phone. What the hell are you doing? I don’t want your money. ANSWER YOUR PHONE!” I screamed, leaving the voice mail and then sent him a text.

  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOU? CALL ME! YOU CAN’T JUST WALK OUT OF HER LIFE LIKE THIS. IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT. YOU DIDN’T THROW THE WATER ON HER. SHE’S FINE. WILL YOU PLEASE CALL ME?

  Nothing, not a text, not a phone call, just at twenty-five hundred dollar check that I held in my hand and a letter stating that he was no longer her father.

  My dad and Dana were more than happy to keep Maddie overnight. I hadn’t let her out of my sight since her accident. Mommy needed a night. Mommy needed to get good and drunk. I didn’t have anyone to worry about anymore. Alex wasn’t looking over my shoulder. Alex wasn’t doing anything, he ran. The fucking coward ran just as soon as he got a taste of what being a parent was really about. I hated him with everything in me.

  Getting drunk with my friends around a fire and good music was just what I needed or so I thought. It didn’t help the thoughts of Alex throwing us away at all. It intensified it. I wasn’t pissed anymore. I was hurt. How could he just walk away like this? Yes, I walked away first, but I had every right. He didn’t. He was doing it out of self-pity. I never expected any of this, him leaving Maddie this way after all the fighting that he had done for her. I couldn’t understand it.

  By one in the morning I was finished. I couldn’t drink one more drink and needed another distraction. I moved between Jaron’s legs on the tailgate of someone’s truck and whispered in his ear.

  “Take me home.”

  “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” he admitted with a smile.

  “It is,” I assured him. “It’s what we do, remember? Come on, let’s get out of here,” I coaxed.

  Jaron was kissing me as soon as we were in the door. I wasn’t having anymore stripping before I made it inside moments, regardless of who might see me. I waited until we were inside, kicking off my shoes and undressing as he walked me backwards with a hand full of my breasts and kisses beyond belief. Yes, this was exactly what I needed for a distraction.

  “Damn, I missed you, girl,” Jaron admitted, towering above my naked body sprawled on the bed, waiting for him to come to me as he removed his shirt and shoes.

  He came to me with just his jeans, running his fingers up my legs and straight to my throbbing, wet pussy. Ahhh…just his fingers felt amazing, but something else didn’t feel amazing. What the fuck? I had Jaron in my bed. Jaron was an amazing lover. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Jaron,” I panted between kisses.

  “Hmmm?”

  “I can’t.”

  Jaron stopped all movement. His fingers slid away from my sex and moved to my hip where he left them while staring down at me. I wasn’t sure what to say, I wasn’t even sure what my problem was. He rolled over and sighed. I sat up and pulled on my panties and a t-shirt, feeling bad after noticing the massive erection lying to the left of his jeans.

  “Why don’t you just call him, Whitley?” he asked, running his hand up my back in a comforting fashion.

  I snorted. “I’ve tried. He won’t answer. He won’t even talk to Maddie.”

  “Go to him.”

  “I don’t want him, Jaron. I got what I wanted. I have Maddie and he’s out of my life.”

  “I don’t think that’s the case, Whit. You can’t even sleep with me. What’s up with that? We’ve always been able to do this.”

  “I don’t know, Jaron. God, I’m so fucked up right now,” I moaned, throwing myself back to the bed, covering my face with my hands.

  “You’re fucked up, because you’re in love with your daughter’s daddy. You just won’t admit it.”

  “He cheated on me, Jaron. All this time, all this fighting and fucked up mind games, I let him win. I fell so madly in love with the idiot that I didn’t even know what hit me. What the hell, Jaron. Why? Why would he do that? Do you think it was just a game to him? Do you think that he was just trying to prove a point? That he could make me fall for him. What about Maddie, Jaron? Uh? What about her? How can he just walk out of her life after making her too fall for him?” I wasn’t giving him a chance to answer one question. I guess I wasn’t really looking for an answer, I was just venting all the things running through my mind.

  Jaron pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. Blame it on the alcohol, the fact that Jaron was the one there at the time or even the truth. The truth was I missed Alex. I missed him like crazy. I cried and cried and cried while Jaron quietly held me, stroking my back and kissing my forehead.

  Jaron didn’t leave me that night. That was the first time ever that he stayed the entire night. I was thankful for Jaron that night. I needed him.

  Chapter 18

  I sat on the front porch step, sipping coffee the next morning, contemplating on what to do, not that there was much I could do. He changed his mind. He didn’t want us. God, I hated him. Regan hadn’t called either. Why hadn’t Regan called? I received four texts from her in the last three weeks, all wanting to know how Maddie was and that was it. I thought we were better friends than that. It sort of pissed me off.

  “What the hell, Regan? I thought we were friends,�
�� I yelled into the phone as soon as she answered. I didn’t even really mean to call her. I was just thinking about it.

  “Hey, Whit. How are you?”

  “I’m a freaking mess. Why don’t you ever call me?”

  I heard her take a deep breath. “Alex asked me not to. He wants you to forget that any of us ever existed.”

  “Why, Regan? How can he do this to Maddie?”

  “He’s quite a mess too, Whitley. I don’t think he’s left his house since you guys left.”

  “He let me leave. He didn’t fight for me or Maddie. He just wants us to disappear and forget all that he did over the last year or so? I don’t get it?”

  “No, that’s not what he wants at all. He just won’t admit it. He’s beating himself up for a lot of things. Letting Maddie get hurt was the wakeup call. He knows that he can’t manipulate you into doing the things that he wants. I truly think he’s sorry for everything, from the first day he met you. What do you do? I don’t know, Whitley. He’s pretty down on himself right now.”

  “He should be. He cheated on me with that stupid Bambi model.”

  “I asked him what that was all about.”

  “And?”

  “He said he was an idiot and did let things go a little too far with her, but stopped himself when he realized what he was about to do. He said you and Maddie flashed across his vision and he told her to leave. I don’t know why Alex does what he does, nobody does. He wasn’t raised that way and for the life of me, I don’t know where he gets it, but I do know he loves you. I’ve never seen him love anyone before. He doesn’t get close to women, and as soon as he does; they’re gone.”

  “Like Maddie and me,” I stated.

  “No, I think this is the first time in his life that it was different, that it meant something to him, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. He has realized that taking Maddie from you, because he felt she was better off with him was wrong. He regrets it.”

  “He changed his phone number.”

  “Yes, I know. He wants you to get back to your happy life and forget him. He says that he can’t hear your voice right now, and if he hears Maddie’s he’s afraid of doing something stupid to repay himself for all the hell he’s put you through.”