Chasing the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  He eyes me uncertainly. “So, if I got down on my knee and proposed right now, you’d say no?”

  I nod and glance away. “Yes. I would say no.” I hope I would be able to say no.

  “Fuck. I can’t win,” he snarls. He twists his body away from me and sighs. With his hands on his hips, he turns back to me. “Why would you say no?”

  I bite my lip hard to stop the influx of tears, but to no avail. “Because you’d be proposing to me almost under duress. I don’t want you to do it because I want you to. I want you to do it because you want a future with me!”

  “Baby, I have one with you.”

  I sniff and mumble, “You think you do.”

  He flinches. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He takes it for granted that I’ll always be his happy, little girlfriend.

  An unfamiliar voice interrupts my reply, “Is that Finn Wilder I see?”

  Finn looks down at the ground and like déjà vu, he quietly utters, “Fuck.”

  I swipe my cheeks and look behind me to see a balding man with remnants of gray hair approaching us. He’s wearing a white, polo shirt and blue jeans. The woman with him has on a long, red skirt and a white long-sleeved blouse. Finn unwillingly puts his game face on and greets the man with another one of his instant camera smiles. Public Finn.

  He straightens and takes only an infinitesimal step away from me, but it feels like miles. “Hello, Hank.”

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

  Finn clears his throat and I turn to smile at the couple. “I’m here with a few friends.” Friend. That’s what he tells people I am. I guess it’s a step up from being just a Finnatic.

  Hank laughs as he walks over to us with—I’m assuming—his wife. “If I would’ve known you were going to be out here, I would’ve had you bring Milo and you could’ve flown a kite!” Oh. One of Finn’s bosses. I wouldn’t know for sure because Finn doesn’t introduce me to anyone.

  “I never even thought of that. Kite flying.” His eyes widen dramatically. “My most dangerous dare ever.” Finn smiles brightly at Hank. Pure bullshit. He has mastered the fake smile. Everyone thinks he’s always happy and without a care in the world. Maybe he is without me harping on him.

  “I don’t mean to interrupt you.” Hank glances at me and smiles. The platinum blonde woman beside him smiles kindly at me as Hank asks, “Who might this pretty, young lady be?” I hear Finn loudly swallow. I can also hear his brain struggling to come up with an answer. He’s seriously not going to introduce me as his girlfriend when I’m standing right here with him? He did it earlier. Why can’t he do it now?

  “This is… She’s… I…”

  I’ve had it.

  I smile apologetically at the older couple as the tears begin to cloud my vision once more. I move away. Finn doesn’t even acknowledge that fact. I mumble, “Oh, I’m just a Finnatic. Don’t mind me. I’m actually nobody of importance.” I spin around and walk as fast as I can back to the path, getting lost in the throngs of people and the myriad of kites, feeling like I was just kicked in the stomach and then unceremoniously dumped.

  He’s breaking my heart and I’m inanely letting him. I’m so stupid.

  I need to get away from Finn Wilder.

  CHAPTER 11

  FINN

  What the hell do I do now?

  How do we get through this? How do I make her finally understand that I don’t want to get married? It’s going to be next to impossible now that Morgan is living Becks’ pipedream.

  The car ride home ought to be a hell of a lot of fun. From here on out, all she’ll talk about is Morgan’s wedding, Morgan’s baby, Morgan’s happiness and how I’m a lousy prick of a boyfriend for not wanting to marry her.

  Easter at my mother’s should also be a load of laughs. Why I agreed to take Becks there for the weekend is beyond me. My mother has been harping on me to marry Becks for two years now. If Becks even mentions Morgan getting married, I’ll be ripped to shreds. My mom wants grandchildren, but she needs to look to her daughters, not me, for that. I’m not looking to get Becks knocked up. At least we’ll be spending a few hours with Bethany, who lives a little over an hour away from my mom’s. That should give me a reprieve.

  “Finn!” I snap my head to the direction of Morgan’s shrill voice. I look around and don’t see Becks anywhere.

  “What?” I ask distractedly and step forward, angling my head in every direction, searching for Becks.

  Morgan grabs my arms, shaking them and I finally look down at her. “What’s the matter with you? Hadley just took off! You need to go find her!”

  My eyes dart around our area and beyond. “What did she say?”

  She again shakes my arms like I’m a fucking tambourine and I agitatedly glance down. She shouts, “Does it matter? She needs you!”

  Rod scoffs and smacks Morgan’s arm. “I think Wilder is pissed off that you’re beating him to the altar.”

  I bite down on my tongue as I turn and glare at the fucker. “Shut your mouth, Rod.” I clench my fists, wanting so much to punch him in the mouth. “Why do you have to say that shit?”

  Ivan steps between Rod and me. “Hey, Finn. Morgan is right. Go find Hadley. Just ignore Rod.”

  Rod snickers. “Do you even know who Hadley is?” Holy shit! I’m going to rip his fucking tongue out of his mouth!

  Morgan jumps in front of Ivan and me and pushes my chest with both hands. “Go!” I take a couple steps and turn, looking both ways on the path. “That way!” Morgan points to my right. I stride past a parade of kites, searching all around me for Becks. How did I miss her taking off? She shouldn’t be too hard to miss in her teal dress, but then again, she’s not tall.

  Why did she leave me? I know she’s probably—no—I know she’s upset right now, but I’m here for her. Though, I’m the last person she will want to talk to. She most likely hates me for allowing Morgan to get everything Becks wants. If I were a better boyfriend, I would’ve married her and knocked her up by now, therefore, beating Morgan to the punch. Still, even if getting married would be the remedy to Becks’ misery, I won’t do it. I can’t do it.

  There are kites all over the place blocking my view: beside me, in front of me and in the sky. They’re fucking everywhere. I guess you would expect that at a festival for kites, but they’re irritating the hell out of me. If I punched my hand through one, would that be like popping a little kid’s balloon?

  I stop where the path breaks. Shit. I decide to cut through some of the shrubbery to beat the congestion at the split. I jump out of the bushes and onto the crowded walkway. Damn it. I have to eventually run into her somewhere along these paths. They all connect. I shirk past rainbow kites, kites that look like animals, boxes with tails, spirally-looking things, and plain old diamonds. Everyone has one it seems like. I must look like a conclusive freak without one.

  I have to be catching up to her. My legs are longer. I continue to keep a sharp eye out for her to pass me or to see her ahead. I’m also trying hard to not be seen by other people that might recognize me. Why in the hell did I forget my sunglasses in the car? So far, I don’t think people can see that much around their kites. They’re lucky not to walk into someone else, let alone see me to know who I am. This is out of our broadcast range, but I was already noticed once.

  I can’t lose her. Becks is my world. I had only seen her for maybe a total of an hour in the ER waiting room. The first thing that caught my attention was her green eyes. Though filled with tears, they stood right out. When she looked at me and caught me staring at her, I couldn’t even look away from her. I was trapped. Her lips were next. She has the most perfect lips God ever created. They’re plump and the color of strawberries, and that’s without the aid of lipstick. At first I thought maybe the color was from makeup, but now I know they’re all natural. One thing Becks doesn’t like is lipstick. So, when she showed up at my race yesterday wearing it, I was surprised. She doesn’t need makeup. She’s her most stunning right after s
he gets a shower and crawls over me in bed. That’s a major turn-on for me, when my Becks is stripped down to the woman I only get to see. The woman I’m in love with.

  I love everything about Becks: her laugh, how her soft skin feels against me, her delicious lips kissing mine, the way her entire body tastes on my tongue, the warmth of her gripping me when we make love; as well as her stubbornness, her propensity to stick to her values, and her courage. I know what hell she’s been through. Even though some of her traits are more challenging to handle, there’s nothing I don’t love about her.

  Even our first time together was the best first time with any woman I’d been with. It doesn’t even compare. It was more than sex with her. Before asking her out, she had asked me what Finn was short for, so I told her and never thought much of it. I’ve always hated my real name, until it rolled off Becks’ tongue. I don’t know why that sends me over the edge, but the way she whispers or moans my name has given me quite a few close calls of not making it to one of our beds. She absolutely knows what it does to me, yet I shudder whenever anyone else addresses me by that name. The first time she called me Finnigan, we had just come back to my apartment after I covered a high school soccer game. We were sitting on my couch, tickling each other and kissing, which was a mistake since I already had a tough time keeping my hands off of her. Unexpectedly, she giggled and said, “Stop it, Finnigan!” The repercussions of her saying that shot straight to my groin. I had never been so aroused so fast before. It was painful. I had to have her. I immediately stopped tickling her and really kissed her, my tongue avidly overwhelming her mouth as I tried to attest to what she was doing to me. I hadn’t kissed her that intensely in the few months we had been dating. It was like something took over my body.

  I then scooped her up from her spot next to me on the couch and positioning her so that she was straddling me. Even though we were waiting before taking our relationship further, I couldn’t stop. We had waited long enough. I had one hand up her T-shirt digging into her bra, and the other hand yanking her jeans open. I was burning for Becks. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and it was killing me to restrain myself. Taking my hand off of her breast I pushed her head down so I could kiss her again. I couldn’t even keep my lips off of her. She tore open my belt and fly. She seized my aching dick with her hand, running her fingers voraciously up and down it. I was going to come all over her if she kept doing that. I had to put my hand on top of hers to stop her. I needed Becks. I needed to show her what she did to me and how much I was in love with her. I needed to feel what she felt for me, that is, if she even felt the same way about me. Between kisses, I begged her to make love to me. She put her hand on mine that was in her underwear. I thought for sure she was putting the brakes on us going any further. We were so close to consummating our relationship. So close. I could have pulled her jeans off and done it right there on my couch. If she refused, I would’ve had to then beg her to jack me off or give me a blow job because of how much I was throbbing for her. She had jacked me off once at her apartment while we were watching TV. I almost took her then, too. That’s why we had to stay away from backseats, bed and sofas.

  Surprisingly, she stood up and yanked me off of the couch with such force I had not even expected from her. She then grabbed a handful of my hair and I instantly leaned down to kiss her. She whispered into our kiss for me to make love to her. I immediately swept her feet out from under her with my foot, making her fall back—something I learned in karate— catching her in my arms, making her giggle, and made a quick retreat to my bed. I didn’t waste any time taking off my jeans and putting a condom on. I had to be inside her. With Becks, I wanted to feel every single inch of her, taste her, kiss her as I became one with her, and hold her against me as we came together. I kissed her as I hovered over her body, only breaking our kiss when I slid into her and we both gasped. In that second, my body, heart, soul and life belonged forever to Hadley, my Becks. I had thought I was deeply in love with Becks before then, but amazingly, I fell even more in love with her with each thrust.

  After that night, I was actually petrified of how helpless I felt as my feelings for her significantly deepened and enveloped me. She’s all I’ve ever dreamed of in a soulmate. If she ever breaks up with me, she will rip my heart and soul out in one swift and bloody move like in Mortal Kombat, leaving me to die in a heap. That’s probably dramatic, but that’s the way I feel.

  I dodge past people to the other side of the path and stand on the hillside, looking down at the large pond below. I don’t see her dress standing out. I turn and look up and down the path. That’s when I see her. She was behind me. She’s wiping her face with one hand; the other is tucked around her stomach.

  “Becks!” She looks up, but doesn’t look around her. Suddenly, she veers off and climbs a hill with steps built into it. Why is she running from me?

  “Becks!” I yell again and take off running after her, pushing through kites and people. I hear protests, but I don’t care. I can’t let her get away. Maybe she’s done with me.

  I won’t let her be.

  I run past the steps and go down to the edge of the massive hedge and swing around them, but I misjudge the turn, lose my balance and slam right into them. Fuck, that hurt! My arms are scratched up, but I have to keep going. I will not be taken out by a gang of yew bushes. I run around the long arm of the hedge, hoping to catch her on the other side. It’s not crowded up here, so that’s an advantage.

  I round the other side and see the clearing to the path and picnic tables on either side. I slow down so I don’t collide with anyone coming out of the shrub-enclosed picnic area, and that’s when a small, aqua-colored cloud runs into me.

  I immediately grab her arms and bend so I can see her face. She won’t even look at me. “Why are you running from me?”

  Becks tries to pull her arms away from me, but I strengthen my hold on her. “Let me go, Finn!”

  “Not a chance in hell.” There’s no way I’m leaving her when she’s so upset. She angles her head to wipe her face on her trapped hand. That’s when I noticed her damp cheeks and her red eyes.

  “You’re crying.” I thought she would be upset, but not to this degree. I’m in deeper shit than I thought.

  She looks at the ground and not at me. “I’m not.” Liar.

  I tug at her chin so I can look at her, but she won’t focus her eyes on me. I’ve only seen Becks cry twice. Once out of pain for her broken wrist and then out of happiness for her permanent job at the law firm. I don’t ever want to see her crying sad tears again. She is, though. Because of me.

  “Yes you are.” I reach down and grab her wrist again. “Did you know all this was going on with Morgan?”

  She winces. “No.”

  I pull her to me, but she goes unwillingly. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Still refusing to look at me, she grumbles, “No, I need to spend time with Morgan. She just made a huge announcement. I need to be here for her.”

  “Then why aren’t you? Why did you take off?”

  Her eyes blaze with anger as she finally glowers at me. “How can you ask me that? You know the things I want. Now, even Morgan is getting married and starting a family. She said she wasn’t even sure she wanted kids. If Rod beats me to the altar, you’ll have to lock me up in the loony bin.”

  “Becks, I said I’d think about it.” I already have, though.

  She scowls at me and her eyebrows pull harshly together. “No, you won’t. I saw your reaction to her bombshells. You were pissed.”

  “No, I wasn’t.” Yes I was.

  “Don’t lie to me, Finn Wilder. I saw you,” she snaps. I’ve never seen Becks this mad at me.

  I release an arm. “Can we please go home and talk about this?”

  “No. You won’t talk about this at home, either. You’ll say that you’re thinking about it, but then I have no idea how long you’ll take to make a decision, if you even make one at all. Meanwhile, my ring finger is ice cold and my eggs
are drying up!” Wow. She’s more than upset.

  “What do you want me to do?” I fling my arms out to my sides in exasperation. She can be pissed about all this? Well, so am I! I didn’t want this to happen! “I said I’d think about it, but now all you want to do is throw it in my face! Why can’t you give me the time that I need?”

  Her eyes widen. “Time? Sure, you have all the time you want. I don’t.”

  “I won’t take that long, Becks.” I’ve already made my decision. I’m not marrying you. I love you too much.

  “You’ve already taken three years! How much more time do you need?” She jerks her arm from my laxed grip and crosses her arms, and again avoiding eye contact with me. “It’s me, isn’t it? You don’t know if it’s me that you really want.” Not true.

  Resting my hands on my hips, I take a quick look around to see if we’re drawing a crowd. That’s the last thing we need. “That’s not it. I promise you.”

  She sighs angrily. “I forgot. It’s your parents.”

  I glance back at her. I can’t believe she’s this dejected. “I told you it was.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  I shake my head and scathingly retort, “What? You think I’m lying to you?”

  “Yes. I think there are other reasons for you not wanting to make the lifelong commitment to me.”

  “I already have!” I say loudly, probably too loud. I take another cursorily look around and irritably lower my voice, “I told you that we’re permanent and I’ll never leave you!”

  “You just don’t want us wearing rings to broadcast that fact because then people would see you’re taken.” No, I don’t.

  “I am taken!” I slide a hand into my hair and bite my lip. “Damn it! I told you I don’t care what people think about me. It’s what they say about you that I care about!”

  “Right.” What the hell?