Chasing the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  Cocking her head at me, she looks at me thoughtfully. “Have you talked to him about anything else that you want?”

  Looking out the window, I quietly say, “No.”

  Just as quiet, she asks, “He doesn’t know you want to get pregnant?”

  “We’ve talked about kids in the past. He doesn’t want them. Probably not ever.”

  She indifferently shrugs. “Why don’t you just go off of the Pill? Let it happen.” I would never forget to use birth control with Finn. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to myself.

  “No, Morgan. I refuse to do that. I will not trap him.”

  “What if it happens anyway, Hadley? He’ll be trapped that way, too, albeit unintentionally. He has to know there’s a small risk of you getting knocked up even on the Pill. Look what happened to me! I took it every day. Never expected mine to happen, but it did.”

  “I know.”

  “Does he, though?”

  “Yes.” I don’t know.

  “Will he be there to support you if he gets you pregnant?”

  “I’d like to think he would be.”

  “He’d better be.”

  “Morgan, as long as he doesn’t want me to get pregnant, it won’t happen. I’m not going to trick him or lie. What kind of person does that make me if I did that?”

  “You’re an awesome person, Hadley. You have your own principles and are sticking to them, but he has his, too, as fucked up as they are. I respect and admire your beliefs and standpoint. That’s why last night, seeing him treating you like shit was hard for me. You’re like my sister. When you hurt, I hurt. I want you to be happy, even if it has to be with that conceited bastard.”

  Fighting a smile, I purse my lips. “I thought you said he was a hot bastard.”

  She rolls her eyes. “That, too.”

  I shake my head as I sigh. “He’s not always cocky. Most of it is for show. He’s actually very vulnerable and reserved when it’s just us.” Sometimes he’s too reserved and won’t talk to me.

  “I know he is. I’ve seen a sliver of it. About 90% of Finn Wilder is egotistical bullshit. You get the genuine 10% that not many people see.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Ugh. Fine. 80/20.”

  I smile sadly. “I love him, Morgan. Last night is killing me.”

  “I know, but I don’t want him hurting you anymore by refusing to give you the things that you want in life.” Morgan pushes herself off of the counter and walks over to give me a hug. “I’m here if you need me. I don’t have to be anywhere today, so if you want to talk or if you want to cry, you know where I am.” I nod, peering down at the floor. If I see the sympathetic look in her eyes, I’ll lose it.

  After our impromptu chat, I go to my office. It’s really two rooms. The smaller, outer room is where my desk is, and it’s one of those wrap-around deals. It’s neat and organized. There are two chairs on the far side of my desk, usually occupied by Rod or Morgan. On the wall behind the chairs, is a huge bookshelf filled with law books and such. Behind my desk is a huge window. We’re only on the third out of five floors, so we aren’t that high up. Rod likes to stare out at the busy road or at the large cemetery across from our office building, making fun of people walking or driving by, not excluding any mourners from his crazy and mostly inappropriate scrutiny. He really needs to find a new hobby besides hanging out in my office or DJ’ing his family’s parties.

  Rod has a similar office, but his window overlooks the alley. I complain more than he does about the view because he’ll relay to me what he sees happening down there. Often. It’s like a big screen TV for him. Most of the action would be fit for a police blotter or one of those black and white tabloids. Though, I think he makes most of it up. Yet, I did once see a man peeing into a bottle down there. Not sure what the point of that was, but I had nightmares for a week.

  Pulling out my chair, I take a seat at my desk. Val must either be on a call or isn’t here since her door is closed. I wake up my computer and notice the picture of Finn next to it. He’s smiling, his white teeth gleaming. It must be a requirement to have perfect teeth when you’re a TV personality, or when your mother is a dentist. I turn the picture so that it’s facing another direction. I’ll stare at it and cry all day if I don’t move it. Not that I’ll be able to concentrate on work today without having the picture in my face. How will I avoid him coming over tonight? I don’t want to see him.

  Yes, I do. I love him and I forgive him.

  No, I don’t. I’m still hurt and horrified about him revealing such personal things about us…to strangers. Rod even heard some of it. Drunk or not, how could Finn do that to me? To us? I didn’t even know that it bothered him so much that I don’t give him oral sex. I can’t even describe how that makes me feel. I could try it if he really wanted me to, but he’d most likely be hurt or upset if I didn’t like to do it. He’s never asked, just tried to coax me in that direction a few times. Likewise, I never asked him to do it to me, either. He just did it. I think it’s maybe because I told him no other man had done that to me before. I had tried to push him away, but he wouldn’t let me. He said he wanted to be my first and only. I had no idea what to expect until he put his tongue inside me. He wasn’t there long before I was pulling his hair; floating on a higher plane.

  Would that be how he’d feel? Am I a horrible bitch for denying him that?

  As I turn the other pictures of Finn around, I wonder what Finn’s desk at work looks like. Is it messy? Neat? I know, without seeing it, that he doesn’t have any pictures of me littering it.

  Undecidedly, I take my phone out of my purse and set it on my desk. I turned it off last night and have yet to turn it back on. I’m afraid to. It might actually blow up from all the messages I probably have, but then again, maybe I don’t have any from him. He may have snapped last night and has decided he’s better off without my drama.

  I close my eyes and lean my elbows onto my desk, my forehead down onto my hands. How will I get through this day? Did we break up last night? How will I get through life without Finn, if that’s what this is? I can’t imagine that last night was our goodbye. Would he just leave me without saying another word to me ever again?

  I hear Val’s door open and I look up. “Good morning, babe. How was your weekend?” Val Dryden is the coolest boss ever. She’s in her mid-fifties. Her shoulder-length, wavy hair is “sweet banana blonde,” as she calls it. She swears that’s what her hair dresser called it when she gave it to her. Val’s hair is naturally dark brown, but you would never know that if she didn’t tell you. She even gets her eyebrows dyed to match. The blonde genuinely suits her.

  Val’s outfit this morning makes me smile. She has a baby blue, matching tweed jacket and skirt on, which makes her blue eyes more noticeable. She has a chunky, Hawaiian, brown cockle shell necklace from the years she lived in Hawaii, where her first husband had a job. She says, “Let me go to the restroom, and then get another cup of coffee before we get together. Okay?”

  I dismally nod and slowly slide my arms off my desk.

  “You okay, babe?”

  “Yes, just tired.”

  “Oh! I want to hear all about why you’re tired. Give me a few minutes first.” She hasn’t heard about my weekend crying extravaganza from Rod or Morgan yet? I’m actually surprised. Do I really want to relive it with her, though? I should just stick to the dancing. She’ll love that if I describe it in great detail. Shit, maybe we should’ve taped our dancing for her so she can watch them over and over since she’s Rod’s and my biggest fan.

  I look down at my phone. I’ll check it later. Like Morgan says, “Let him stew.” Maybe he really doesn’t care, either. He had an early meeting this morning. I wonder how that’s going with a major hangover, or maybe he’s still drunk. That meeting ought to be a hoot. I hope he’s not the one running it.

  My desk phone buzzes and I see it’s Rod’s extension. I roll my eyes and pick it up.

  I uncaringly drone, “Yes,
Rod.”

  “You have to see what is going on down there! I swear to God there are two people having sex in the Dumpster!”

  “Goodbye, Rod.”

  “Wait, I’m dead serious! Come over to my office and see! I would not lie about this!”

  A slight smile graces my mouth and I shake my head. “No. I have nightmares every time you tell me to look out your window.”

  “I have the best window in the house!”

  “To see that?”

  “It’s cheaper than porn mags or premium movie channels.”

  “Again. Goodbye, Rod.”

  “Later, Hadders.”

  I hang up the phone, smiling a little more as I gather my notepad and pen. I didn’t think I’d smile today at all, but so far, I’ve been smiling way more than I thought I ever would. Despite feeling like my world is falling apart around me.

  My extension rings again. I see this time, that it’s Amos Vaughn’s. What’s he calling me for? Rod is his assistant.

  “Yes, Amos?”

  “Ooh, yeah! Do it to me like that, baby! I love the way you talk trashy, you big hairy beast! Is that mayonnaise on my leg or is that just you? Oh, you’re such a stud muffin! The smell of rotten meat turns me on! Ahh! Ooh! Do it to me one more time, Captain! Oh! Ahh! Ahh! Let’s make a Garbage Pail Baby! Spray me like a shaken can of beer! Ooh yeah! Hurry up before the truck gets here! I want you to do me while I hang over the side of this bad boy! Ahh! Ahh!”

  I burst out laughing and am snorting when Val walks back into the room. My face has to be as red as a tomato from the lack of air. It feels so good to laugh like this and have tears through laughter instead of the sad ones I’ve been besieged with lately.

  I absolutely love Greg Rodwell.

  “What on Earth is Rod doing now?” she whispers and raises her eyebrows. I shake my head and wave my hand in front of my face, not being able to talk. She grabs the receiver out of my hand as Rod continues to shriek and moan in a high pitched voice. She listens for a few seconds before saying, “Gregory Rodwell, the next time you use this office as your own personal sex dungeon, will you please make sure you don’t put your phone on speaker to everyone on this floor? It’s also very disrespectful to that young man you’re with! Thank you!” Val offers me the receiver, but I lay my forehead down onto my hands and uncontrollably laugh.

  I don’t think I said how much I love Val Dryden.

  “Okay, babe. Tell me about this weekend. Did you and your cutie pie spend some time together? Is that why you’re so tired?” She shrewdly smiles at me.

  I shift in my chair as Val watches me from her side of the desk. I cross and uncross my legs, adjust my black pencil skirt, which is substantially longer than last night’s monstrosity, play with the edge of my notebook, and glance out the window.

  “What’s wrong? How’d his race go Saturday? I wish I could’ve been there, but Ali needed me to help her with a banquet.” She leans forward, folding her arms on her desk. “Did you two have an argument? Is everything okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Her eyebrows pull together and she narrows her gaze as she studies me. “No you’re not. There’s something going on with you. I have a flair for picking up on these kinds of things. My kids hate it. So, tell me before I figure it out on my own.” She tilts her head at me and smiles sadly. “Unless I already have.” Damn, she’s good.

  “Um, nothing. It’s nothing. I just… I think…” I look down at my skirt, fighting the stupid tears. In a matter of only a few days, I think almost everyone in my life has seen me cry. I have got to get it together!

  “Oh, honey. What happened?”

  Not looking up, I cover my face with my hand and shake my head.

  “Finn lost the race?”

  My shoulders shake as I giggle through my tears at her way-off observation. I sniff and keep my head bowed.

  “No. I think Finn lost me.”

  “Oh, dear God. No! What happened, babe? You two were so good together! I mean, we didn’t see him a whole lot, but you always were so happy with him. You were with him before you started working here as a temp!” I hear the whooshing sound of a tissue being pulled from a box and she leans over her desk. “Here you go. What went wrong?”

  I take the tissue and dab my eyes, thankful that I ditched the mascara this morning. “I don’t even know where to start. We were fine one minute, and then we…weren’t.” I don’t think Morgan has made her news known to the office yet, so I need to choose what I say very carefully. “I went to his race. It was great. He even came in first.”

  “Did he? I knew he would.”

  I smile and brush hair off of my face. “He did.”

  “Was he happy that you were there?”

  I scrunch my tissue in my hand. “He seemed to be. He even picked me up in front of everyone and let me kiss him.”

  “I know that’s a big concern for you—that he doesn’t want people to know you’re a couple.”

  I twist my new ring. “It is.”

  “Did you two spend some time together after the race?”

  “Well, he ended up having to do the 11 spot that night, but I met him at his apartment after.”

  “Ooh… I bet that was…nice.”

  I give Val a half smile. “It was what we needed. He even gave me this ring.” I show it to Val and she reaches over to hold my hand, moving my finger so the bluish metal catches the overhead light.

  “Very pretty. Very unique. What’s it for? Did he say anything when he gave it to you?”

  “For Easter. He said he wanted to give me something to go with the jewelry he gave me for our anniversary. I asked him what it meant.”

  “And?”

  “He said it’s because he loves me. I guess I looked obviously disappointed because then we got into a big discussion about why he doesn’t want to get married. He wouldn’t even give me a ring that goes on the ring finger, not even for my left hand. That’s how much he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea about it. He’s agreed to at least still consider marriage, but I don’t really see that changing the way he feels about it.”

  She sits back in her chair. “Well, he might. You never know.”

  Staring down at my skirt, I shrug, but nod. “Then, we went to a kite festival with Morgan and Rod Sunday morning.”

  “A kite festival?”

  I look up at her and clarify, “Rod’s idea.”

  “Oh. Well, that figures.”

  I smile. “He had a Hello Kitty kite for his sister.”

  She smiles and shakes her head. “That boy. He’s such a gem.”

  “I agree.” I chuckle and watch the two trees outside the window. “After we got there, Finn and I went for a walk. He asked me to move in with him.”

  “Again?”

  I glance at Val. “Yes. He wants us to get a place in the middle of our jobs so that it’s easier for me to drive to work, since I work earlier than him. He hates my small apartment and the old building it’s in.”

  “That’s considerate of him. Who wouldn’t want to wake up every morning to Finn Wilder?” She giggles.

  “I want to so much.” I sigh and put my elbow on the edge of her desk. “So much, but I told him no.”

  “Why? Is it because how he feels about marriage?”

  “Yes. I just can’t commit to moving in with him if he won’t commit to me.”

  She leans towards me. “Babe, it sounds like he wants to make some kind of commitment to you by asking you to share an actual residence with him, sharing a bathroom, cabinet space, closet space, a parking space, the remote... Some people don’t even want that much.”

  I nod in agreement. “But, I feel like I’ll be giving up the one thing I want for the one thing he wants. He’ll never be motivated to marry me then. It might be stupid to some people; however, it’s just something I want. I know it’s old-fashioned to not live with your boyfriend anymore, but I guess that’s who I am. I want the marriage vows, the rings and the license.”

 
; “I do understand what you’re saying. I’ve done it twice. Did you two argue a lot about this?”

  “We had a fight at the festival over him not introducing me to people, so I went with Morgan, Ivan and Rod to a club last night while Finn worked. He unexpectedly showed up and he flipped out when he saw Rod and I dancing together. He had never seen us dance like that before. We argued and he started drinking. We then made up enough to dance, but the liquor started hitting him and we fought again about me not moving in with him. I had to call his best friend, Ricky, who’s a cop, to come pick him up because I was staying at Morgan’s last night.”

  “Oh, dear. Have you talked to him this morning?”

  “No. I don’t want to. It could go two ways. He’ll either grovel and tell me he’s so sorry about last night, or he won’t be sorry at all since I’m not moving in with him. I dread hearing either one.”

  “He hasn’t called or emailed you?”

  “No, but I haven’t checked my phone yet. I’m afraid to.”

  “Well, give it some time. Listen to any messages he does leave and think about what he says. You two will work it out. You’re so happy with him. I just love watching Finn do Sports or his Wild Side segment on Friday evenings. He always has a twinkle in those big brown eyes of his. Anyone can see he’s a happy guy. I know that’s because of you.”

  “It used to be. I don’t think I make him happy anymore since I won’t give him what he wants.” In more ways than one.

  “Babe, that man is in love. You can see it on some people. He’s one of them. When he speaks, you can tell. He just exudes it. He can be reading sports scores and you can hear it in his voice and see it on his face.”

  “Hmm. Someone else told Finn that she could see it on his face, too.”

  “Told you.”

  I glance up at the clock. “You have a meeting in 10.”