“I know, and you’re right, this isn’t about the Hendersons or their puppies. Okay, give me a minute, and I’ll continue.”
I take an additional breath as I prepare to continue. Then I decide to get up for some water. My mouth is already dry, and I know it’s only going to get worse as I tell him the whole story.
He watches me sip my drink, then pats his lap for me to sit astride him again. He pulls me into his arms just as my bottom touches his legs.
“Okay?” he asks as he adjusts his head on my shoulder into a position where I can feel his hot breath against my neck.
I love that feeling of him being so close to me. It gives me strength.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, continue please.”
“It was a Tuesday, about ten years ago, when I met Roger. He was walking his dog at the same park where I walked the Hendersons’ puppies. We talked about dog behavior, and how excited the puppies seemed to be around his dog, Bentley. It was nothing like you and me, how we met and fell in love. Roger was the first person I met in the area, and the idea of a boyfriend was not even remotely on my radar. I had enough to worry about, let alone another person, but we got along so well that we began to hang out. We worked on his computer program at the school. It was meant to connect students together.”
Talking to the man you love about a former love interest is so embarrassing, but Devin seems to not think anything of it. After all, all this stuff happened a decade ago.
“After a while, Roger and I began dating. It started out innocent enough, but our feelings grew until they tumbled into something more than I anticipated. For a time, it was nice. Fun, even. We’d go to movies, concerts, shows in the park, and take the dogs for a walk.”
Pulling away from Devin, I take another sip of water, giving myself the moment I need to continue.
“One night we got into a fight. I accidently dropped a bottle of wine, and it shattered all over us. He was so mad he tried to leave the apartment, and I went to stop him by grabbing at his arm, but he pushed me away—hard. I hit the wall before I fell to the floor. He didn’t mean it, but I was still injured from it. He never stopped to make sure I was alright, either. He just left. Bethany, my best friend at the time, heard the commotion and helped me. We broke up after that night, as far as I was concerned. I stopped taking his calls. Stopped talking to him. Stopped dealing with him completely.”
To his credit, Devin just holds me and doesn’t say a word. He’s listening to every detail as though he can picture the whole event, as if he was there with me. I know he will be upset about what I have to tell him—and show him—but he waits patiently as I take the breaths I need between the details.
“Bethany and I lived only a few doors away at the time, and we spent so much time together you’d think we were super-connected, but when this happened, she decided I needed to find a new guy who would treat me better than Roger. So, with her boyfriend’s help, they took it upon themselves to introduce me to new people. After a few months away from Roger, I was going to the club with Bethany and Brian more. We were all together, spending a lot of time doing what college students do—studying and partying.”
Laughing, Devin doesn’t interrupt me, just nods his head.
“Then things began happening that I couldn’t explain. Items at my place would go missing, or not be where I had left them. It felt as though someone was watching me all the time. It wasn’t until one day when I came home and realized that someone had broken into my apartment that things began to change.”
“Not for the better, I take it.”
It seems as if the tension from the story I am telling him has begun to get to him, and he needs to vent a little before he explodes.
“No, not for the better. I didn’t feel safe after some weird things started happening.”
“Like what?”
I’ve never told anyone about this. I just thought at the time I was losing my mind. “Well, one time I was heading out for something I can’t remember now, but I picked out an outfit and put it on my bed to change into after my shower. When I went to get it, it was gone. I found it hanging back up in the closet. I thought I was going nuts. Things like that were happening all the time. Dinner ingredients would be in the fridge even though I swore I had them out on the counter. Little things would be moved around the house.”
“I thought I was losing my mind. Bethany thought I was under too much pressure, and she tried to help me the best she could, but nothing was working. The break-in was the last straw. I came home one night to find my place completely trashed, and everything I owned destroyed. So I decided to move out and find a more secure place to live. Since it was the end of the semester, there was no problem with housing finding me a new place, and luckily enough, Bethany was my neighbor once again.”
Taking a big gulp of cool water, I regard Devin as I place the glass on the end table. He was so calm when I began telling him all of this, but now his jaw is beginning to clench. Smoothing my hand along his jawline, I look deep into his eyes.
“Please relax. If you get too upset, this will be harder for me to tell you, and I so need to tell you all of this.”
“I know, honey, but the thought of someone doing that just makes me so mad. I want to hurt him for whatever he has done to you. I want to beat the living shit out of him for hurting my Clara. You’re mine, you know that, right? Mine. Not like some possessive psycho, though.”
This makes me smirk, and I begin to relax as I continue with my tale.
“I loved my new place. It was so secure, with the security systems throughout the building and the campus police just next door. I felt safe and happy again. It was as though no one could touch me—let alone hurt me.”
“After a while, I met someone new. Paul. He was funny and easy to be around, and it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes. We dated for a bit and had a brief relationship that ended rather abruptly.”
Here’s the part of the story that I don’t mind remembering, because it’s not too gruesome for me.
“After a few weeks, I felt it again. I was being watched. I could feel it, but couldn’t prove anything. I’d see shadows in the distance, feel the hair on the back of my neck rise for no reason. I even thought someone was in my apartment, moving things again, but still I couldn’t prove it. I tried going to the police, but they needed proof to be able to do anything.”
I take a sip of my water now, trying to calm myself down enough to continue.
Devin just holds me as I begin to shake.
“Maybe we should stop. You don’t have to continue this now. We could do something else instead.”
His fear strangely puts me at ease. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t want to capitalize on my emotions.
“No, it’s okay. Besides, you need to know these things.”
I just want this over with now. I want him to know so I don’t have to go through this ever again.
“After one of our visits to the police, Paul decided he just couldn’t take it anymore. The constant drama got to him, and we broke up. Roger and I started talking again around that time, too. He had got help for the way he’d treated me that one time before, so wanting to prove himself to me, he showed me a new side of himself. One I didn’t realize he possessed. He was so supportive, compassionate, and loving that I found myself drawn to him again. He made me feel safe. Then I found myself in love with him all over again.”
“We dated for months without having any relationship issues, but my feelings of being watched and someone following me only increased. Then my old apartment blew up one night with me just a few feet away from the building. Roger had accidentally driven us there after an argument we’d been having, trying to figure out who was following me.”
“Honey, I have to interrupt. If this guy abused you, why did you get back with him?”
“I was young and stupid. That’s the only answer I have for that. The second time around was actually much better than the first, so I just thought that
the help he’d got had worked.”
Devin just nods and gestures for me to continue.
“The police didn’t find any evidence to support the incidents being anything other than what they appeared to be. They said the burglary from before had nothing to do with the explosion, and it was just a result of remodeling at my old apartment. Relieved, my friends and I went back to our lives. Almost a full year went by before we began to relax and stopped looking over our shoulders. Worrying so much always had everyone so on edge. It seemed like the drama never stopped. We all wanted our lives back.”
“Then finals were over, and Bethany and I needed to relax. Roger met us at the club we frequented one night, after having a few glasses too many. He had to work early the next morning, so Bethany and I stayed to finish the evening. We stumbled our way back to the apartment and realized we were too drunk to share a bathroom.”
I’m a little foggy at this point. I remember chunks of the night, but not the whole evening. I mumble these remarks, but Devin, God love him, doesn’t say anything. He just waits for me to continue.
“I don’t remember all of the things that happened that night, but I do remember being home and resting on the couch. Then I think I heard something.” Shaking my head, I try to recall the other parts of the evening. The attack loops, but the night, not so much. “It drove me nuts for years, not remembering what I was doing or thinking prior to the attack. Was I happy? Was I so drunk I just passed out?”
“I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could give you that.”
His concern is heart-wrenching to me, but I just need to get this out.
“It’s okay, Dev. I learned to live without it.”
I smile to reassure him, but I can tell he knows that it’s never really going to be okay.
“Can you continue? Do you want to stop?”
This has to be done so we can move on.
“Yes, I want to continue. No, I need to tell you, so I don’t want to stop.”
My heart feels as though it will literally beat out of my chest, but I push forward. The tears threaten to spill as I give Devin the moment we both need. He doesn’t know what I’m about to say, but he does know that it’s somehow as bad as it could possibly get.
“Were you raped?”
“No, he didn’t rape me. I didn’t see the knife until it caught the reflection from the moon. Apparently he was standing in the shadows, thinking what he was going to do with me. He took the knife from my butcher block in the kitchen and used it to slice into my stomach.”
Now the tears are running down my cheeks as I relive the moment, pulling my shirt up to show him the marks that have faded but will never go away. You’d think after telling this part to so many people, I’d stop with the waterworks, but no.
“That wasn’t enough for him, though. He wasn’t satisfied as I cried and cried from the pain the slices caused. I begged him to stop. I pleaded with him to just let me live. But he just said ‘shhh’ and slowly plunged the knife into my side. Then he slipped it out. I didn’t feel a lot of what he did to me in the beginning. The adrenaline was pumping through my veins so hard that it didn’t hit me for a while.”
“Then I felt it all. That’s how he wanted it. I cried harder and he just slowly slid the knife into me again. He stabbed me over and over so many times before I passed out. I remember the burn of the knife as he pulled it out of me, but I don’t remember much past that. I never saw his face, even when he was above me. I just saw the darkness of him as he pinned me to the ground and…”
Pushing my panicked thoughts aside, I try to recount what I remember.
“Anyway, I remember that far. It wasn’t until I was conscious at the hospital that Roger filled me in on the details he knew. Bethany and I were supposed to meet for some spa time, and I was running late, so she came to get me. She saw the blood on the hallway walls before she saw the pools of blood on the floor. That’s what made her call Roger to come over. She couldn’t make her way further into the apartment out of fear of finding me… Well, finding me in the condition I was in. Roger came over and discovered me on the bed, barely breathing. He saved my life, and they got me to the hospital.”
“Thank God,” he says, pulling me hard against his chest.
“Wait, I have to show you, too. I can’t just tell you all this. I have to show you as well. You need to see what I’ve been hiding from you. We can’t really be together until you see everything.”
Removing myself from his lap, I begin to strip before him.
Chapter Four
Standing now in front of him, I begin to lift my shirt. His eyes won’t leave mine when he registers what I’m about to do. Without saying a word, I lift my shirt and show him the mostly faded handiwork of the sadist that attacked me.
“God, honey,” he whispers, taking in my chest, sides, and back. “How did you survive this?” His face is now carefully blank as the tears stream down it. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
What’s he supposed to say? It’s in that moment that I realize I wasn’t expecting him to say that—or anything. It’s then that I realize how much I love this man.
With my top off, he watches me as I fight for control. Closing my eyes so tight he can see my shoulders rise, I take breath after breath to keep control. Then I feel him as he begins to rub a thumb over a scar, from one corner to the next. I know he is doing this to try and show me how beautiful I am to him. Then he puts his lips where his thumb traveled, kissing his way across. I jolt at first, then relax a little bit.
Over and over again his thumb trails gently over each scar, only to be followed by kisses as he works his way up my body. My eyes are glued shut, but he keeps up the slow pace with equal attention to every scar until he gets to my bra. I’m holding my breath when Devin envelopes me with his arms, reaching for the clasp that will free me of its confines. My nipples are taut as he pulls the fabric away, and I hiss out slow breaths until it’s completely removed. Then the air hits my hard peaks. Struggling for his attention, my body searches for his, awaiting his lips, only to be denied when he leans back on his heels instead. I watch as he kneels in front of me to fully take in every inch of me.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says as he begins to lower my pants. Removing one leg at a time, he trails kisses down my leg as he pushes the fabric down, before picking up my foot to remove the pants. Then he starts all over again, torturously slow until the only fabric separating us is my panties. Then he kisses me, starting at my thighs and working his way up. First one side, then the other, as his hands connect with my hips. He sprawls his fingers under the waistband of my pants, lowering the fabric down slowly as his lip touch my exposed flesh.
My breathing quickens even more as I pant, and my moans began to come out clearer.
“You are beautiful, my Clara. All I see when I look at you…” He kisses my scars again as his fingers draw my panties down my legs. “All I feel when I taste you…” He’s trying to show me how much he desires me by worshipping every inch of my body. “I love feeling you…”
I moan as one of his fingers glides across my clit. Then his tongue begins to lick a path down from my waist.
My eyes pop open when he removes his lips to look up at me. He winks at me before pinching my nipple, making my head fall back. I moan out his name when he slips a finger into my wet slit.
“I want to show you how loved you are, Clara baby. I want you to come harder than you ever have, knowing I see only you.”
He plunges his finger inside me then, and I moan so loud I think I may have climaxed a little as my body clenches around his finger. Then he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the bedroom.
“Please.”
They’re the only words I can get out before he kisses me again.
When we first became intimate, whenever he was on top of me I would panic from the flashbacks of my attacker. Even though Devin didn’t know what caused my panic, we figured out soon enough that as long as I could see his face and know
it was him, then I felt safe, and the panic wouldn’t happen.
I know he loves watching my eyes cloud in ecstasy, how my lips part as I moan. He’s also told me that he loves when I try to hold off my climax by holding my breath until I nearly pass out. So aroused by these thoughts, I feel his erection nudge against my entrance, wanting to claim me, but waiting to show me more of his love.
“Please, Devin. Don’t make me wait.”
Watching me, he slowly slides the tip of his cock against my clit. My eyes flutter closed as my moans grow louder.
“Not yet, baby. Not yet.”
He kisses his way down my body, holding off as much as possible to make it good for me. He isn’t focusing too much on the scars that spread across my chest and stomach, as well as my sides, but I can tell that he needs to show me that it doesn’t matter to him. He wants to give me new memories to replace some of the nightmares these scars represent, and I let him. He licks my nipple, sucking on it sweetly as he caresses my body.
Devin’s worked so hard at touching, feeling, sucking, and licking every inch of me that he doesn’t realize he has me so on edge. When I begin to tremble uncontrollably under his touch, he looks at me in surprise. Every kiss brings a hiss of breath out of me. Every suck makes me hold my breath. Right now he could push me over the edge just by worshipping my scars.
I feel him as he positions himself right above me, kissing me softly as he pushes himself into my welcoming channel.
I clench around his cock as my body spasms around him, and he thrusts inch by inch inside of me until he is fully immersed in my body. His eyes wait for me to look at him, to see the love he has for me. I now know that he isn’t going anywhere—ever.
“Clara baby, open your eyes.”
His teeth are clenched so hard from the effort it takes to hold off his orgasm.
After a few seconds, the air leaves my lungs as my body begins to shake.
He hasn’t even moved yet.
Heart's Desire (Game of Hearts Series Book 2) Page 4
