Lives Collide (Collide #1)

by Kristina Beck

  I shake my head. Why am I even thinking about him? I need to lay off the medicine.

  Chapter 10

  Lisa

  I exit the lecture hall and head toward my favorite café on campus. I’ll be lucky if I passed that exam on clinical reasoning. My head is in another place.

  I know something is wrong. Bryant and I are growing apart. I’ve seen it coming though—we’ve been fighting a lot. He doesn’t come over as much, and he doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore. I don’t say it either. Well, not just because he doesn’t say it. I’m not sure I love him either. Sex is nothing like it used to be. Maybe he’s found someone else.

  I take a latte macchiato to go and head home. Bryant finished his residency over a year ago. He received his license and accepted a job where he’d been employed as a resident, as he wanted to prolong his time there for a couple of years. He would like to open his own practice in the future. He also admitted he wanted to stay because of me. That was last year, but things have changed. His hours are not as bad as when he was a resident, but he hasn’t increased his time spent with me either.

  We used to talk about our future together, but that’s also come to a stop. It’s not like we talked about it much to begin with. Why did I ever think our relationship was normal? I can’t open up to him. We had our good times, but they were never anything spectacular.

  Let me see how he is when he comes over in a couple of hours. I’ll make sure I’m irresistible when he arrives. Usually, he can’t resist me when I’m wearing a dress and high heels.

  I’m in the bathroom when I hear the doorbell ring. Who could be at the door? Bryant shouldn’t be here until 8:00 p.m., and he usually just walks into the apartment. “I’m coming,” I yell as I slip into my fluffy, pastel-green robe. I walk to the door and look through the peephole. Bryant.

  I open the door. “Hi! Why did you ring the doorbell? You always walk right in.”

  He doesn’t say anything as he steps inside.

  “You’re here early. What a nice surprise,” I say as I give him a hug. A hug he doesn’t reciprocate. Now I am pissed. “What is wrong with you, Bryant? And don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong. I’m tired of always making excuses for you. You’ve been acting suspicious for weeks, if not months.” I stand with my hand on my hip as he avoids eye contact.

  He strides toward the living room. “Come sit on the sofa with me.”

  I close the apartment door and walk over to him. I sit down as he takes my hand in his. I can feel what’s coming.

  “Lisa, we’ve had a great time together for three years now. We’ve had a lot of fun, and it has helped us get through some of the hardest times with your studying and my residency. You supported me in ways no one else did. You were so proud of me when I finally got my medical license. One of the reasons I stayed at the hospital to work was to be near you.

  “However, I can’t pretend I’m happy anymore. I haven’t been happy for a while. We are now in two different places in our lives. You still need to finish medical school and then your residency. I’m finished with that. After I started working, I was okay for a while. Then I started to evaluate my life. I asked myself, ‘Will I be happy if I stay here? Do I want to go to work for another hospital? Do I still want to open my own practice? Do I want to get married and have a family?’”

  My heart pounds in my ears. I yank my hand from his and turn away.

  “Please look at me, Lisa.”

  I force myself to look at him. He keeps rubbing his chin. “I met someone else. She’s also a doctor at the hospital. She studied family medicine. I’ve never cheated on you, but we have been spending time together.”

  Does he really expect me to believe he’s never cheated on me?

  “I know what I want now. It’s to open my own practice, but most of all, I want to get married. I see my future with her. We want to open a dual practice where she’ll be the general family doctor and I’ll be the pediatrician. We both hope to have a family one day.”

  There it is. The punch in the stomach I was waiting for!

  I stand up abruptly and walk over to the living room window. “I knew I should have followed my gut the moment I met you. I told myself to walk away. But no, I convinced myself you were different and would accept me for who I am. I should have listened!”

  I try hard not to shed any tears. Unfortunately, I cry when I’m angry. I turn to him with clenched fists. “Why were we together all this time? Why did I stay with you when my gut was always saying to break up with you?”

  “I don’t know. Why did you?” he asks accusingly.

  “I guess I was good for the time being, but not for the long term.” I will never be enough for any man. This is why I stayed away from relationships. He wants a family.

  He rests his head in his hands. “No, that’s not it at all. I thought we agreed we weren’t thinking long term, or at least I wasn’t. Marriage and children were so out of my spectrum the first years. I didn’t think you were considering marriage with me either.” He stands up from the sofa and holds out his hands. “We were coasting along. We hardly saw each other during the past years. Our schedules never matched up but we made it work. We didn’t have time for anything or anyone else. We never spent more than a couple of hours with each other at a time.”

  He reaches for me, but I back away.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  “Don’t be like this. You can’t honestly tell me we were

  head over heels for each other. As things started to settle, I thought about my life differently. I love you. But I’m not in love with you. If I was, I would stay with you no matter what. You deserve to be with someone you are completely in love with and who feels the same. You deserve that more than anyone. But I know I cannot give it to you. The time we’ve had together was special to me, but it’s time for me to say good-bye. I’m sorry I’m hurting you.”

  I turn toward the window again, gripping the sill as I stare outside. My fingers are white from gripping so hard. I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I want to scream out of frustration. I’m so angry and disappointed. Disappointed in him or myself? I don’t even know.

  I want to keep calm and show him I’m not hurt, but it’s impossible. I turn around and start yelling. “I truly hope you’re happy with your new girlfriend! Thanks for letting me be your fuck buddy for three years. Was that all I was good for? I should have followed my instincts, but I ignored them, hoping we would become more. Boy, was I stupid!”

  As he opens the door, he stops, with his head hanging low, not even looking at me. “For what it’s worth, I am truly sorry. I wish you all the best,” he mumbles.

  “Get out. Your apologies don’t mean anything to me!”

  I’m so stupid. I knew it would end like this. He found someone who can provide what he wants. They can have the white picket fence and all that goes with it. The past years were wasted on him. My heart knew he wasn’t the one. Why did I ignore it? Was I scared to be alone again? Was I willing to settle? I can’t answer such questions right now. I finally put myself out there, and this is what happens.

  I officially close off my heart to all men.

  I spin around in my apartment, searching for something to help me feel better. Should I throw something across the room? Should I scream into a pillow? I march into the bedroom and open the closet. I search to the far side and find what I’m looking for. I wipe the dust off the leather jacket and put it on. This is the one thing that has always been there for me and makes me feel better. I fall into bed and cry myself to sleep.

  Chapter 11

  James

  I put on my scrubs and walk out of the bathroom. I toss my white jacket and raincoat over the arm of the sofa. Rain taps heavily on the windows. It’s been pouring all day. Typical spring weather. Jessica will be home any minute. She wants to talk to me about something. Maybe she received an offer from another hospital. Applying for positions at other hospitals has been stressful for her. The university hospital has the bes
t pediatric department in this area. She’s doing well here, but she thinks she needs to move on. She hasn’t been feeling well, on top of it. We both think she is rundown and needs a break. She has been exhausted lately and doesn’t have much of an appetite.

  I look at the clock on the DVD player. I need to leave for the hospital in twenty minutes. To keep myself occupied, I wander around our apartment, looking for things to straighten up. But this apartment is spotless and in order. That’s mostly due to me. I’m very organized, and nothing is usually out of place. She’s the messy one. I’m always running behind her, cleaning up. She gets annoyed because the first thing I do when I come home is straighten up. The only thing I hate to do is the dishes. The kitchen sink is full, so I guess I’ll have to suck it up and do them.

  I finish my residency in three months. The end of the tunnel is near. Once I have my medical license in hand, I can make more money to help pay off our loans.

  Jessica’s parents want to pay for the wedding. They want a big, fancy affair for their only child. Jessica says she doesn’t need a fancy wedding, but deep down I have a feeling she does. I’ll do whatever makes her happy. My parents insist on helping with the wedding also. I won’t let them, since they helped me enough with medical school.

  Finally, I hear a squeak from the apartment doorknob. I walk out of the kitchen as Jessica walks inside, a big smile on her face. I guess I was right about a job offer.

  “Hey, babe.” She shakes her damp hair and drops the wet umbrella by the shoe rack. I pick it up and open it so it will dry properly.

  “What’s going on? Did you get an offer from another hospital?”

  She laughs. “No…that is definitely not it.” She walks over to the sofa and tosses her handbag on the coffee table.

  “So what’s up? You’re smiling for a reason. Spit it out. I’m dying here.” I laugh.

  “Maybe I should make you guess by asking different questions,” she says as she taps her cheek with her finger.

  “That isn’t fair. It’ll take too long. I need to leave in ten minutes. Tell me, woman!”

  She plops down on the sofa. “Come sit next to me.”

  I fall onto it and try to guess what her good news is. “Did you win the lottery? You’re acting strange.”

  “I’m pregnant,” she blurts out. “I’m three months along already.” She bounces up and down on the sofa.

  “Wait. What? I’m going to be a father?”

  She nods.

  How can she be pregnant? This wasn’t in the plan.

  Her face changes because I have no reaction. I feel dizzy. I’m flabbergasted and excited at the same time. A smile finally appears on my face. I grab Jessica and start kissing her. I pull away quickly because I don’t want to crush her.

  “Wow, I can’t believe it. I’m so happy, but how did this happen? You’ve been on the pill all this time.”

  “Remember when I was on antibiotics a while back? I forgot antibiotics can interfere with taking the pill. Being a doctor, I should remember these things.” She chuckles. “It seems it decreased the efficacy of my pills.”

  I’m silent because I’m still trying to grasp the situation.

  “When is the baby due?” I question in a daze.

  “November eighteenth. Please tell me you’re happy. Even though this is such a surprise and not within your timelines, I’m ecstatic. I know how you planned the years ahead for us already.” She grabs my cheeks and squeezes them. “My little planner.” She lowers her hands to her belly and starts to rub it. “We’re going to become a family a little bit earlier than we expected. This is what we’ve always wanted. We’re going to be parents.” Excitement beams from her face.

  “I’m more than happy. I’ve always wanted to have children with you. It’s all so sudden. That’s all. I need time to process this. We aren’t even married yet. I’m thankful my residency will be over before the baby comes. I wanted to complete a fellowship to receive extended training. That will need to wait. I want to be home as much as possible when the baby is born.”

  “This is what we always wanted in our future. I’m already secure in my job. Maybe we can move our wedding up instead of waiting to have a fancy one. We can have something simple before the baby arrives and then have a big party after the baby is born. There are so many things to think about. We’ll figure it all out.” She rubs my thigh in assurance.

  “We’re very lucky because we hear about so many women in the hospital who cannot have children. We are truly blessed, no matter what. I love you so much.”

  She kisses me softly. “I love you too,” she babbles.

  She wiggles in her seat. “Now we know why I haven’t been feeling good. I had a meeting with the chief of staff in the pediatric department today and mentioned I wasn’t feeling well lately. Somehow during the conversation, she asked me if I was possibly pregnant. No was my first response, but then I started to think about my symptoms. When did I have my last period? It was a while. I thought it was because I was rundown and my cycle was off.

  “When I had the chance, I went to my friend Jackie, a doctor in the gynecology department. You met her a couple of times. She gave me a pregnancy test immediately. The result was as clear as day. She took a scan, and there was our little peanut.” She pulls the sonogram picture out of her purse.

  She hands it to me and points to the little speck. At this moment, I don’t care about anything else. This is our child in this picture. We have dreamed of this moment ever since we met. Tears well in my eyes, and I look at Jessica. Her eyes are watery as well. We embrace each other and sit in silence, gazing at the picture while I lay my hand on her stomach.

  “I’m not sure what we’ll do once the baby is born. We’ll need to move into a bigger apartment and buy a new car. There are so many things to think about.” My heart rate is already increasing.

  Jessica takes my hand and kisses it. She’s so relaxed. “James, whatever comes our way, we’ll get through it as a family. We can’t possibly expect every minute of our lives to go as planned. You need to learn to be flexible once in a while. Relax now. Everything will be fine.”

  I slouch my shoulders. “I know, but this is the way I am. I’ll try to be more flexible, but it will take time.”

  She smacks her hands together. “I can’t believe we’re going to be parents. We have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to. The next chapter in our life is starting right now.” She jumps off the sofa. “Let’s call our parents to tell them the good news!”

  Part Two

  Chapter 12

  James

  “What can I get for you, James? The usual?”

  “Yes,” I grunt without even looking at him. Jack knows me by name because I come here often. This will be another night when I’m going to get fucking drunk. I don’t want to feel anything. If I don’t want to feel anything, then why do I come here? How long am I going to torture myself? It’s one year today. It’s too damn hard. I’m lost in this black hole called my life.

  “Here you go. Should I start a tab for you?”

  I nod and snatch the whiskey and gulp it down. It burns as it glides down my throat. Just what I wanted. I smack my hand on the bar to let Jack know I want another one.

  My parents and sister want me to seek help. They think I should talk to a total stranger about my feelings and experiences. I find pamphlets around the apartment about different support groups and therapists. No thanks! Talking to someone is not going to solve my problems. The only thing that will make my life worth living again is impossible. My anger and sadness are permanent, and no one or nothing will ever change that.

  The barstool next to me scrapes along the floor. From the corner of my eye, I see a young woman with wavy light-brown hair sit next to me. Great. There are several empty barstools, yet she chooses to sit next to me. I aim my body away from her to avoid contact.

  Jack asks what she would like. She orders a whiskey. She must be having a bad day as well. Whiskey is my alcohol of choice
lately. It helps numb the pain fast. Jack puts her whiskey and mine in front of us on the bar. I raise the glass, but I don’t even glance her way. She probably didn’t even notice. I don’t care either way. Actually, I don’t care about anything anymore.

  The whiskey is kicking in now, flowing through my veins like a drug, though it isn’t taking my mental pain away. It’s pulling me further down into the abyss. Getting drunk isn’t working as well as it used to. I’m slowly dying inside every day because my life is total shit. Last year at this time, I had it all. I rest my chin on my clamped fists as tears form. I’m surprised I’m not dried up by now. Crying is my hobby.

  Suddenly, someone taps my shoulder. I turn, and the young woman is staring at me. It’s dark in here, so I can’t see her face very well. Or is that the whiskey’s effect?

  “Are you okay?” she asks with concern.

  “I’m fine. I cry when I brush my teeth with whiskey. Do you have a problem with that?” I snap as I turn away from her again.

  She calls to Jack, “Two more whiskeys, please.”

  I sit there for a moment with my head down. Before I know it, I start talking or mumbling to myself or to her. I don’t know at this point. Maybe to anyone who wants to listen.

  “This is where our first date was. We sat here for hours on these two barstools. We could have talked all night, but we had to leave. I walked her home, and after our first real kiss, I knew we were meant to be together. My heart skipped a beat the first time I saw her face. It was so unexpected, but love is never planned. It was as if we were always together. Two missing links, pulled together instantly, and nothing could take us apart. Well, almost nothing. No matter how busy our lives were, we always made time for each other. We didn’t have a lot of money and lived in a small apartment, but we didn’t care. We were happy to be together, no matter what the circumstances.” I rub my runny nose and wet cheeks with my sleeve. I see another whiskey in front of me. I take a big swig and slam the glass back down. Whiskey splashes onto my hand and the bar.