Lives Collide (Collide #1)

by Kristina Beck

  He looks at me for a reaction. I don’t know how to react.

  “Is that okay, Lisa?”

  I nod. “Yes. I’m sorry. Please go ahead.”

  “You were bleeding when you arrived. We didn’t know where the blood was coming from. I spoke to James, and he explained to me that you’d had an accident in the past and some of the symptoms you were experiencing when you arrived here today.”

  “Is there something wrong with my uterus? All I did was fall on my left side. I don’t understand why I would have so much pain from that.”

  “Let me explain further. We immediately performed some tests and scans to find where the bleeding was coming from. During that time, we had to put you under anesthesia.”

  “Can we cut this story short and get to the point? What did you find?” I ask, thick with impatience. Tina’s mouth drops open in response to my sharp tone.

  He hesitates for an instant. “The tests revealed you are pregnant. Our estimation is that you are about sixteen weeks now. If we are correct, your due date will be around July fifteenth. We can confirm this later.”

  The room starts to spin. I cover my eyes with my hands and try to gain control of myself. “Wait a minute. Wait? What?” I stammer. “I’m pregnant? This must be a mistake. I was told I could never get pregnant. Do you know my medical history?” I challenge him. Now I know why my pants are tight and my boobs are so sensitive. I thought I was eating too much fast food.

  “Yes. James and your dad explained to me what happened and what the prognosis was. For some reason, you have been blessed. Your body wants this baby.”

  I look at Tina in panic. “Does James know I’m pregnant?”

  She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. We have no right to tell him something like this. He needs to hear it from you.”

  This will not go over well when James finds out.

  “I have a feeling there’s something more to this than my pregnancy. I feel a but coming along.”

  “Unfortunately, you’re correct. The placenta did not attach properly to the uterus. When you fell, it separated a little bit from the uterus, hence the bleeding and pain.”

  I place my hand on my stomach. “Will my baby survive?” I ask with sudden panic. “Can I be happy about this pregnancy?” I try to sit up.

  He puts his hand on my arm. “Please relax. Your baby is healthy and has developed just as any other baby at sixteen weeks. However, you have a very rare, serious, and complicated condition. You must be on strict bedrest. I repeat must. Any major movement can cause it to happen again. This is not only dangerous for the baby but also for you. If it happens again, you have the potential to lose an excessive amount of blood. The baby’s life will be in danger, as well as your own.”

  I try to swallow, but my mouth is a desert. I’m terrified.

  “In a couple of days, you will be transferred to the obstetrics department, which will monitor your progress. If you do well for the next week, you will be allowed to go home. You will need to be home for the rest of the pregnancy. You cannot work or do any excessive activities until after the baby is born. You can go to the bathroom and take a shower. That’s all. Do you understand how serious this is?”

  I nod as a tear traces my cheek. One part of me is deliriously happy I’m pregnant. The second part is in denial I’m pregnant, and the last part is frightened I could lose the baby or die myself. I was with Bryant for years, and I never got pregnant. If I am four months pregnant already, it means I became pregnant one of the first times I slept with James. How is that possible? That seems to be the main question ever since I met James. What is the reason for all of this?

  I take a deep breath. “I would like a moment to myself, please. Can someone please ask James to come in here? I need to tell him.”

  “I’ll go and get him. Dad and Beth, let’s give them some privacy.” Tina motions toward the door.

  Dr. Kaplan gives me a gentle smile. “No problem. Please have the nurse page me if you have any other questions.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Kaplan. I need some time to let this sink in. I’m quite overwhelmed with everything. I’m happy but terrified.”

  “It’s understandable with your rare condition. You can do this. I’ll talk to you soon.” He walks away from my bed and is out the door.

  Seconds later, James runs to me and kneels at my side. He presses my hand against his cheek. “Lisa, what’s going on? No one will tell me anything. I’m jumping out of my skin.” He looks like he has been crying. Is it because of me or being in the hospital?

  James squeezes my hand tightly. “I’m so worried. Please tell me what’s going on.”

  I need to come right out with it, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “I’m pregnant. About sixteen weeks. Our baby is due around July fifteenth, but it hasn’t been confirmed yet,” I say without emotion.

  His face loses all color. He lets go of my hand and stumbles to his feet. He backs away from the bed. His face transforms into a scowl. Well, that’s not the reaction I was hoping for.

  “I thought I could never get pregnant. We have created a true miracle, and I’m ecstatic and thankful. It’s a blessing for both of us. But this pregnancy is extremely dangerous. I need to be on strict bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. There is a chance the placenta can separate from the uterine wall, which could be life threatening to me and the baby.” Please come to me. Hug me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

  “When we first met, you made it very clear to me you weren’t sure you could ever get married or have a child again. You are being blessed with a second chance to have a child of your own. Please be happy about this,” I plead. “I need you more than ever. Please be happy for us.” I shouldn’t have to beg.

  His face becomes stone, and his hands clench. I take a deep breath and know what I need to do. “Your face and body language reflect all I need to know and confirms my instincts. I don’t know if I should be angry or sympathetic to your feelings.” Do not cry. You need to be strong.

  “Ever since we met, I’ve faced my fears with you by my side. I have become the woman I always wished I could be. Finally, I feel free from my insecurities and have found peace within myself. My life has forever changed in a positive way. Even more so, now that I’m pregnant.

  “You’re stuck in your own little world. This is reality, James. You are going to be the father of our child. I don’t know why this is happening, but it is. If you don’t want this, that’s fine. It will crush me, but I and our baby will survive, literally. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do this with or without you. Our baby needs love, and I’m prepared to give all the love I can give.”

  The silence is so loud.

  “Since you are not going to speak, I will continue.” I close my eyes and take a moment to gather my thoughts. I open my eyes and look directly into his glowering dark-green ones. “I’m going to give you some advice.” Stay calm. Say what you have always wanted to say.

  I squeeze the bed sheets. “Go find yourself. I tried to help you, but it didn’t work. You made me face my fears, but you wouldn’t confront your own. Any time I wanted you to open up to me, you would get annoyed and change the subject. A clear sign of avoidance. You will never be able to move on if you don’t come to terms with your past.” My throat hurts, and I realize I’m practically yelling. But I’m not done yet. “Jessica and Jacob are never coming back!”

  He winces in response.

  “I will not be a substitute for her anymore. I love you so much, James. Parts of my heart have belonged to yours since I was fifteen. Over the past couple of months, one piece at a time, my heart fully became yours.” This is not how I wanted to confess my love for him.

  “I promised myself I would never give my heart to any man again. You changed that for me. Every piece of my body and soul loves you more than I ever thought was possible. But I can’t do this if you don’t feel the same. I will not settle for anything less than true love.

  “You need to get over your fear about being a d
octor, about being in love again, about having another child. What happened to Jessica and Jacob was not your fault. How many times do people have to tell you before you believe it? Your goal was always to become a doctor. You are one, and that will never change. You’re in the hospital right now, and you survived. A career in real estate is not your calling, and it never will be.” I inhale deeply.

  His fists open and close several times at his sides, but he remains catatonic. He teeters from side to side, which gives me a glimmer of hope. That vanishes when he turns around and walks out the door without looking back.

  My face burns like fire. “Yes, leave. That’ll make it all go away. Run away from your problems. You are such a fucking coward.”

  I deflate and sob more than I ever have since Mom died. My rage bleeds out of me through my tears. I have lost him. Well, isn’t this fucking ironic? I can’t keep a man because I can’t get pregnant. By a miracle, I get pregnant, and the one man I truly love walks away.

  I shake my head and wipe the tears from my eyes. It doesn’t matter. My main focus now is the miracle growing inside me. I’ll do anything I need to, to keep my baby healthy and in my belly for as long as possible. I’m in charge now.

  Chapter 48

  James

  She’s right. I am a fucking coward. I storm out the door that leads to the waiting room. Everyone stands up and smiles. I ignore them and continue to walk right past them. I can’t look at them, because if I do, I will fall apart. I need to get away from here as fast as possible.

  “James, where are you going? You can’t leave now. What is going on?” Alexa yells.

  But I do just that. I leave.

  I slam my fist on the kitchen table. I’m back to this. Getting drunk on whiskey. I’m sitting in the kitchen in the dark. The only glimmer of light comes from the living room window. Lisa is pregnant. Pregnant! She tells me this, and what do I do? I walk away like a selfish asshole. She is pregnant with our child—a dangerous pregnancy, no less—and I walked away. It was the only response I could give. What she said to me was completely true.

  I am in limbo. I haven’t fully dealt with Jessica’s and Jacob’s deaths. Working in the ER was my dream, and I can’t even do that. I obtained a stupid real estate license instead. Lisa has been a distraction from all of this. Being with her has helped me avoid all of my problems. She doesn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve Lisa.

  I down the last drop of whiskey in my glass and reach for the almost empty bottle.

  “James!” Alexa yells as she slams the door. “Where the hell are you?” She turns the light on and groans. She stands there with steam coming out of her ears. “Boy am I not surprised. Turning to whiskey again. Every time you are faced with something difficult, whiskey becomes your new best friend.” She shakes her head in disgust.

  “James, what the fuck is your problem? How could you leave Lisa alone? That was beyond unforgivable!” Having Lisa in your life was a blessing. Now she’s carrying your child.”

  “Who told you?” I snap.

  “Lisa told the entire family. She’s a mess, James. Why the hell did you walk away from her? Don’t you see this as a miracle? You are going to be a father!”

  “You have no idea what I’m going through! Not a fucking clue. You think you have all of the answers!” I yell as I stand up quickly from the kitchen table, and my chair shoots backward.

  She stumbles back. “Then tell me. Talk to me! Make me understand.”

  “I can’t go through this again. I can’t sit here and watch the woman I love die along with my unborn child. Not again! The woman I love. Do you know how dangerous this pregnancy is? I’m a doctor, so I know exactly how dangerous it is.”

  “So walking away from her is going to help her? If anything, it’s the worst thing you could have done. You can’t even imagine what’s going through her head. I spoke to her.”

  She gets in my face. “She was told by several doctors she could never get pregnant. She felt broken for most of her life. She felt no man would love her because she couldn’t get pregnant. In the end, she loses the man she loves because she unexpectedly gets pregnant. Tell me how you would feel.”

  “I’m a fucking mess and a coward. I’ll never survive if I lose her and the baby.” I want to throw my glass against the wall again, but I refrain.

  As Alexa’s voice rises, she points her finger at me. Her head moves back and forth with attitude. “You know what you are going to do? You are going to pull your head out of your ass. You are going to stop hiding. I know you loved Jessica and Jacob, but they are gone, James. Gone! Stop feeling guilty. You have a right to be happy again. You are a wonderful man with so much love to give. What happened with Jessica and Jacob was a tragedy, but it wasn’t your fault.” She grabs me by the arms. “It wasn’t your fault!”

  I yank my arms away and pull on my T-shirt. I lean against the counter and wait for the next lecture.

  “I think I need a whiskey now. Even though I hate the stuff.” She walks to the cabinet and retrieves a glass.

  “How did you feel at the hospital today? Did you panic?”

  “I couldn’t think about it. I was there for Lisa. She means more to me than my mental issues.”

  “I know you miss it. It was a part of you. You worked so hard for your career, and you are a damn good doctor. It’s time you fight to get it back. Go to Dr. Kaplan. Suck it up and be a man,” she says after she swigs her whiskey. Her face contorts as she shivers from the taste.

  “You have a second chance for real love, to have a family. Don’t throw it away because you’re afraid. Since when did that ever stop you from doing something? That’s not the James I know.”

  She takes a deep breath. “You have fallen in love with Lisa. I know you are scared to admit it, but you have. Just accept it! You don’t have to convince yourself anymore, but you will need to convince Lisa.”

  “I need to sit down.” She walks over to the couch and places her whiskey on the coffee table. “James, what’s this?” She waves a piece of white paper in the air.

  I squint my eyes. “I don’t know. What does it say?”

  “It has your name on it.” She hands it to me.

  I run my hands through my hair. I recognize the handwriting. “It’s a letter from Lisa. She must have written it before she tried to leave.” I sit on the couch but don’t read it right away. Out of fear again. I take a deep breath.

  Dear James,

  By the time you find this letter you will see I have left. I can’t describe in words how this night was a life-altering experience for me. I have never felt something so binding and emotional between me and another person. I truly felt my soul connect with yours. It’s another moment to put at the top of my favorites list. I thank you for that.

  After all we have been through and spending so much time together, I thought it was finally going to be the time we say those three special words to each other. As usual, the time came and went. I always hesitate because I’m not sure you are ready or even want to hear it from me.

  You talked in your sleep tonight. You were saying “I love you.” Unfortunately, not to me though. You were saying, “I love you, Jessica. I will always love you.” It hurt me more than any physical pain could. It was a wake-up call. You might love me, but you are not in love with me. Jessica will always be the love of your life, even though she is not here anymore. I can’t compete, and I won’t compete.

  Ever since I’ve met you, I’ve become so much more confident and mentally stronger. Because of that, I’ll never let myself be second best again. You are living in the past and holding yourself back.

  I can’t do this anymore. Leaving this apartment will be the hardest thing I ever do. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. See, I finally said it. I never knew the kind of love I have for you really existed. It frightens me, but I know I could never live my life without you in it. I tried to be patient with you. You refuse to move on, and don’t know what you want. I need to leave you so you c
an find your way. Look for and find what will make you truly happy again.

  My heart will always beat for yours.

  Lisa

  What have I done? What did I dream last night? Think, think, think! The letter drops from my hand and floats to the floor like a feather. I lay my head on the back of the couch as the dream replays in my head.

  “What does it say? Or is it too private to tell me?”

  I motion for her to pick up the letter and read it.

  “Are you sure?” She hesitates.

  I shrug. Her eyes rapidly go back and forth as she reads it. “Do you remember the dream?”

  I nod. “I told Jessica about Lisa and that I’m in love with her. I explained to Jessica I’ll always love her, but I needed to let her go if I want to be with Lisa. She tried to walk away from me, but I told her not to. I kept saying I was sorry.” I stand up and kick the table. The whiskey glass rattles in response.

  “Watch what you’re doing. Don’t damage my furniture!”

  “Now I know why she was dressed when I found her. I have hurt her in ways I was afraid I would. She thinks she’s second best. On top of that, now she thinks I walked away from her because she’s pregnant. It’s true to an extent, but not for the reason she thinks.”

  Alexa sits on the edge of the couch. “How do you feel after remembering the dream?” She empties her whiskey glass.

  I’m numb at this point. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m completely exhausted and need to be alone. This is for me to figure out by myself.” I reach over and give her a hug. “Thank you for always being here for me. I sound like a broken record these days.”

  “Just listen to me. I would do anything to find love like you have experienced. Don’t fuck it up more than you already have. You are going to be a father. Be brave.” She turns around and disappears into her room.

  Chapter 49

  Lisa

  “Are you sure this is what you want to do? It’s a lot of change all at once,” Tina expresses with concern.