All Out of Pretty

by Ingrid Palmer

  But he doesn’t give it to me, so all I can do is wait.

  He takes a deep breath. “I kept thinking about what you said that day at the creek,” he finally explains in a rush. “About how you never saw where your Gram was buried. I can’t imagine how that would feel, to not know. Sometimes I think about my mom’s plot, try to visualize it, even though I know it’s just her body there. It’s…important, for some reason.”

  “Yeah,” I say, understanding.

  “So I made some calls and found her. Your grandmother.” He hands me the envelope.

  I blink. “You found her? But I looked on the Internet last spring and I couldn’t…”

  “It took a while. The cemetery is in the country, way outside of Indianapolis, not even listed online.” He nods at the envelope that is now in my hand. “Take a look.”

  Not sure what to expect, I slide out a thick piece of paper. On the top is a logo—a pen and ink drawing of an iron archway inscribed with the words “Washington Grove Cemetery.” Beneath the logo is a letter from the cemetery’s director confirming that Gram was indeed buried there, with the date of her burial and the exact location of her plot. All the information is correct—her full name and last known address and the dates spanning her fifty-eight years on earth. As her last will and testament directed, she was buried in the plot adjacent to her husband, who died thirty years earlier. The letter ends with an assurance that a bouquet of flowers will be set on her headstone, as requested.

  I finish reading and swipe at my eyes. In spite of the tears, I don’t feel sad. I feel…settled.

  “Are you upset? That I did this without your permission?” Brick sounds anxious.

  “No,” I assure him. “It’s a perfect gift.”

  “When you’re better, I’ll take you there,” he offers, and this kindness confuses me. Everything about his visit confuses me.

  “I thought you were writing me off.” The words just come out, uncensored. But I’m glad. Why beat around the bush with him if I’m vowing to be more honest with everyone else?

  Flustered, Brick says, “No. Okay, I was sort of avoiding you, Andrea. But finding your Gram and making your scarf…they were just excuses. I had other reasons.”

  I knew it. I brace myself to hear what he really thinks. How angry he still is about the jewelry, my lies, dragging his family into my messed-up life.

  “I couldn’t see you like that, in the hospital,” he says quietly. “It was bad enough when you collapsed in our living room, bleeding—” His hands tremble against his thighs. To hide the shaking, he clenches them into fists. “I shouldn’t have believed you that day when you said you weren’t in danger. I didn’t believe you, really, but I let you go, back into that man’s house. And when you took Chloe’s stuff, I turned on you. And then you got really hurt… and I could have prevented it all.” He squeezes his eyes shut and I can see that he has been beating himself up about this. “I’m such a coward.”

  “Brick, no. You saved me. You and Chloe. Your whole family…”

  But he’s not listening. He’s just shaking his head hard like he wants to punch something—maybe himself. So I change tactics and quip, “Don’t blame yourself, Brick Mason. I’m a very good liar.”

  The scoff leaps from his throat so fast I feel offended. “You’re a prolific liar, Andrea. Not a good one. No, I let myself believe you because it was easier.”

  “Easier than what?”

  “Than trying to figure out what to do with a girl who was in trouble but didn’t want help. A girl that I—” he breaks off. Then finishes “—that I didn’t want to lose.”

  There is a long stretch of silence. I’m looking at Brick and Brick is staring at his clenched hands. I notice his pale skin, the few dark freckles around his nose, and the long, caramel lashes framing his eyes. I think about how he held me while I lay bleeding on the floor. I think about the awful, raw look on his face when he told me about his parents. I remember that he’s been through hell, too. I place my hand over his fist.

  “Didn’t you think you could trust me?” he finally asks in a hoarse voice.

  “Trust had nothing to do with it,” I say gently. “I was trying to protect you. And Chloe.”

  Brick looks up at the bookshelves, shaking his head in dismay this time. Then he turns back suddenly and his eyes slay me, the way they look determined and devastated and tender all at once. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, Andrea.” He leans in, holding my gaze. “It won’t happen again.”

  I should protest. I should tell him it was never his job to protect me—and still isn’t. But it’s too much of a relief to share this burden, and I can’t refuse it.

  Behind Brick’s head, the book spines start oozing into a colorful, drippy mess. I blink hard, but the dam doesn’t hold anymore—not with Brick next to me. Looking at me. Really seeing me, surrounded by all my messy truths.

  For the first time, I invite someone else to witness the full misery I’ve been living. It’s all there, streaming silently down my face. When our eyes lock again, he holds out one arm to me, just like he did at the creek.

  I fall against his chest and allow him to hold me together as I let everything go.

  Later, I stand at the bottom of the porch steps and watch Brick drive off with a casual see-ya-soon wave. The wind blows so cold it puts tears in my eyes. But the real crying is done.

  I reach up and pull off my ski cap, and the wind immediately lifts my hair high off my shoulders. I can feel it all fanning out behind me, tangled and free.

  I’ll bet it looks so damn pretty.

  THE END

  Discussion Guide

  1. Andrea starts her story by talking about how pretty her mother is. Beauty and its perils is a theme throughout the book. How is being pretty a good thing? How is it a bad thing? How does Andrea view it? Does her view of being pretty change over the book? How does it differ at the beginning and at the end?

  2. Another theme is being smart or stupid. Andrea prides herself on being a good student. Why is getting good grades so important to her? Is Andrea book smart or street smart? Or both? Give examples that show how she is or isn’t smart about her choices.

  3. Choices and decisions, whether they’re good or bad, safe or dangerous, is also a theme. Make a list of the different choices Andrea makes throughout the book. Do you agree with her decisions? Why or why not?

  4. How do you know who to trust? Can you even trust yourself, your own instincts, and choices? Andrea thinks of herself as smart, but she discovers that intelligence only gets you so far. She needs to ask other people for help, but doesn’t reach out to any of the adults around her, to any of her friends. Why do you think Andrea does this? What holds her back?

  5. Family values—especially the roles of grandmothers, mothers, and daughters—run throughout the story. Andrea tries to take care of Ayla, her mother, though her mother doesn’t take care of her. How does Andrea care for Ayla? Does Ayla ever care for Andrea? How does Gram care for both of them?

  6. How do the adults in the book help Andrea? How do they hurt her? What roles do adults play in this story? What roles do kids play?

  7. Why is the book called “All Out of Pretty”? What does that refer to? Do you think it’s a fitting title? The book could have been called “Unbreakable.” Would that be a better title? Why or why not?

  8. Andrea thinks of herself as pretty, smart, and unbreakable. Is she all of those things? What incidents in the book prove her right in her opinion? Which prove her wrong? Which of these three characteristics is most important to her? Give evidence for your stand.

  9. Andrea also considers herself to be a moral, good person,

  but she does immoral, unethical things, like sell drugs and steal. How does she justify these actions to herself? Is she a good person despite doing these things? Why or why not?

  10. Is Andrea
a strong or weak person? In some instances, she stands up for herself and her friends without hesitation. But other times, she cowers and backs down. List some scenes from the book when Andrea acts strong, and some when she acts weak. What do you think you would do in similar situations? Does it take a stronger person to endure a bad situation, or to run away from it?

  11. What is the bond between a mother and a daughter, despite challenges like addiction and neglect? Why do people stay in toxic relationships? Why does Andrea stay with Ayla?

  What would you do if there was only one person left in the world that you were tied to—and that person was pulling you into dangerous situations?

  12. When Brick learns Andrea is in trouble, he wants to help her but doesn’t know how. How do his decisions affect Andrea? What different choices could he have made and what do you think the outcomes would have been? How would you save someone who didn’t want your help?

  13. When Andrea learns the truth about her father, she feels anger, guilt, and confusion. How does having a parent that is a criminal affect a person’s identity and self-worth? How do Andrea’s feelings about her father—and her mother—change throughout the book?

  14. Brick’s feelings for his father are also confused. How do you forgive someone who has done something so unforgivable? Should Brick talk to his father or shut him out? What would you do? Do Brick’s feelings toward his father change throughout the book? Do we get a sense of what his father means to him?

  15. There’s a parallel between Brick’s parents and Andrea’s, though it’s never spelled out. Ayla is a drug addict and Brick’s father drinks too much. How do these parental behaviors affect their kids? What does it cost them?

  16. What does keeping secrets do to a person over time? Why does Andrea choose to keep her secrets? Do you agree with her reasoning? Is it possible to have authentic relationships and grow close to others if you are never truly honest with them?

  Originally from Ohio, Ingrid Palmer writes young adult fiction in the Colorado mountain town where she lives with her husband and two sons. When not writing books or enjoying the great outdoors, Ingrid works as a freelance editor. She has a master’s degree in journalism from Northwestern University and is a graduate of the Denver Publishing Institute. All Out of Pretty is Ingrid’s debut novel. To learn more about her, visit www.ingridpalmer.com.

  Photo by Ellen Loeffler-Kalinoski

  “All Out of Pretty is a beautifully painful tale of blurred lines between love and loss, trust and betrayal, hope and despair. As Andrea (aka ‘Bones’) sinks deeper into her mother’s addict-driven life, I felt like her only ally and was desperate to read her to safety. Ingrid Palmer has crafted a page-turner that will leave readers with the feeling that no matter how bad things get, there is always a path to freedom.”

  —KRISTINA McBRIDE, author of The Bakersville Dozen

  “All Out of Pretty is a great YA novel. I was very fond of ‘Bones’ and her survival skills. Most people do not realize how good they have it until they get an inside look at someone else’s life.”

  —MARLA CONN, ReadAbility

  “Readers won’t be able to put this book down. Unflinching in its depiction of a smart, yet vulnerable girl’s descent into a back-woods world of violence, drugs, manipulation and control, it sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Andrea’s story never strays too far from hope. It is this hope whether through unexpected friendships, memories of a loving grandmother or the survival instincts of a smart, yet vulnerable girl that make this book so compelling.”

  —SARAH WEDGBROW, Librarian, Forest Hall School