‘But I was expecting a cat!’ I protested. I was wide awake now.
‘Well, what do you think I am, dumb bum?’ demanded Fluffy. ‘See, long furry tail …’
‘Um, yes,’ I said.
‘Cute fluffy ears.’
‘Er, right.’
‘In fact, fluff all over. And I say “miaow” a lot, too.’
‘But … but …’
Fluffy eyed me suspiciously. ‘But what?’
‘But your tail is tied on with string!’
‘It fell off!’ said Fluffy defensively. ‘Tails fall off, you know! It’s a well-known fact!’
‘And your ears are tied on with string, too!’
‘Haven’t you ever heard of falling ear syndrome, kid?’ snarled Fluffy.
‘And your fur,’ I stretched out a finger and touched it, then drew my finger back hurriedly, ‘is stuck on with glue and it’s all coming off, anyway.’
‘So baldness runs in my family! No one’s perfect!’
‘And you’ve got antennae! And skinny brown legs and a shiny carapace!’ (We did that word in spelling last term.)
‘So what? Lots of cats have antennae and carapaces. Who made you an expert on cats? Look,’ said Fluffy a bit desperately, ‘you want me to purr? I can do purring. Purr. Purr. Purr. Have you ever heard a better purr than that?’
‘Lots of times!’ I yelled, then l lowered my voice in case I woke up Phredde. ‘From cats!’
‘If I’m not a cat, what am I, then?’ demanded Fluffy.
‘You’re a beetle,’ I told her.
Chapter 16
Fluffy’s Story
‘Bother,’ said Fluffy, crawling up my pillow and sitting there gloomily. ‘I hoped you wouldn’t notice.’
‘Not notice you’re a BEETLE?’
‘Well, Prince Narmer doesn’t,’ said Fluffy defensively.
‘You’re Prince Narmer’s cat? I mean beetle?’
‘Sure. I’m the Royal Prince’s Royal Cat. That makes me Queen of the Cats.’
‘But you’re not a cat!’ I said again.
‘Prove it!’
‘Look,’ I said wearily. ‘Anyone who knows anything about cats can see you’re not a cat. Why all the pretence, anyway?’
‘Are you kidding?’ Fluffy settled her fake tail more comfortably and gazed at me with her big beetle eyes. ‘Have you seen the way they treat cats in this place? They worship them! They’ve got their own tombs, their own servants, all the fish they can eat. Artists paint pictures of them …’
‘I get the idea,’ I interrupted.
‘Now guess how they treat beetles,’ said Fluffy gloomily. ‘Just nibble one lettuce leaf and they tread on you!’
‘So you thought you’d be a cat instead?’
‘Right. Besides, they need me here! I’m Prince Narmer’s trusted adviser!’
I suddenly remembered how Prince Narmer had seemed to be listening to something on his shoulder!
Fluffy!
‘But surely even Prince Narmer isn’t so dumb he wouldn’t notice you’re a beetle!’ I protested.
‘Prince Narmer isn’t dumb!’ flared Fluffy. ‘He’s the brightest prince we’ve ever had!’
‘Bright! All he thinks about are his stupid inventions!’
‘Look, kid, you need to learn about life in Ancient Egyptian palaces. How many kids do you think the late king had?’
‘Three,’ I said.
‘No,’ said Fluffy patiently. ‘That’s how many kids he’s got now. How many did he used to have?”
‘I don’t know.’
‘146,’ said Fluffy.
‘146 KIDS?! But that’s impossible.’
‘Not when you have sixty wives,’ said Fluffy. ‘Guess what happened to the other 143 kids?’
‘They … they were eaten by crocodiles?’ I said weakly. I was starting to catch on.
‘Yep. Just like all the king’s wives. Or they were bitten by poisonous snakes. Or died from “indigestion” after eating roast hippopotamus. Indigestion!’ snorted Fluffy, waving her antennae angrily. ‘I don’t think so!’
‘You mean — they were poisoned!’ I gasped.
‘Of course! Boy, you humans can be dumb,’ sighed Fluffy. ‘Why do you think dear Prince Methen likes cooking so much?’
‘So he can poison his enemies?’ I suggested weakly.
‘Give the kid a stuffed date! She finally got it!’ cheered Fluffy, waving her antennae at me.
‘But …’ I grabbed my throat in shock. ‘We ate roast hippopotamus tonight!’
‘Don’t worry, kid,’ soothed Fluffy. ‘It wasn’t poisoned.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because if it was poisoned your face would have gone purple and we wouldn’t be having this conversation! Anyway,’ Fluffy added, ‘I kept an eye on the hippopotomus while it was being cooked. We beetles … I mean cats, can go anywhere! No one notices us,’ said Fluffy proudly. ‘I don’t want anyone bumping you off till you’ve chosen the right king.’
‘Prince Narmer?’
‘You’re catching on,’ said Fluffy.
‘Prince Narmer pretends to be dumb,’ I said slowly. ‘So no one bothers to kill him.’
‘Exactly,’ said Fluffy, satisfied. ‘That was my idea, of course. If you want a thing done properly, ask a cat.’
‘Even though you’re a beetle.’
‘I’m a cat!’ said Fluffy flatly. ‘Miaow, miaow! If the Royal Cat says she’s a cat, then she is!’
‘So where do I come in?’ I wanted to know. ‘Why didn’t Prince Methen or Princess Nut just grab the throne and make themselves king or queen?’
‘Neither Methen nor Nut would agree to the other being king or queen. And they haven’t managed to bump each other off yet. So they agreed to consult the oracle.’
‘Let me guess,’ I said wearily. ‘You were the oracle.’
Fluffy’s eyes gleamed. ‘Yep! If I can pretend to be a cat I can pretend to be an oracle,’ she said, waving her antennae proudly. ‘Though of course I really am a cat,’ she added hurriedly. ‘But I was just pretending to be an oracle! Miaow!’ she said firmly.
‘But the magic tunnel! How did you manage that? You’re not a magic beetle, are you? I mean cat.’
Fluffy shook her head. ‘I didn’t magic up the tunnel. You did.’
‘Huh?’
‘You humans,’ sighed Fluffy. ‘You’ve got brains like soggy breadcrumbs! You always have to have things explained to you. Look, when you get back to your own time your friends will PING! up the magic tunnel! Simple!’
‘Huh?’ I said.
Fluffy sighed. ‘Humans! You see why Narmer needs a beetle — I mean a cat — as his adviser! Now let’s work out how to make Prince Narmer king!’
Chapter 17
Pru Decides!
‘But he’s just a kid!’ I protested. ‘He can’t be king.’
Fluffy glared at me. ‘And what are you?’ she demanded. ‘Layla, Queen of the Elephant Hunters? An elderly Babylonian architect? Maybe, just maybe, you’re a kid too.’
Well, she had a point there. If I was sensible enough to choose Ancient Egypt’s next king or queen — and I was! — then maybe Narmer was sensible enough to be king.
‘But does Prince Narmer want to be king?’ I protested.
‘Yes,’ said Fluffy flatly. ‘Because he knows the country will be in real trouble if he isn’t. Yes, he’s just a kid — but he’s got me to help him! All those wars with city fighting city, and the Marsh Dwellers invading … Narmer and I have PLANS. He’s going to unite all the cities along the Nile so they all stop fighting each other — with my help of course! And he’s going to do other things, too — send people out to look for new fruit trees and crops and bring wise men over from Persia to help with a building program. And he wants to start using these new animals called camels too, and those tame dogs a trader told him about last year.’
Fluffy shook her head. ‘I’m not too keen on the “dog” idea,’ she admitted. ‘Dogs are wil
d animals! Dogs just aren’t bright enough to live with humans like us cats. But he and I have lots of other great ideas for when he’s king.’
‘Look,’ I said slowly. ‘I think I’d better have a talk with Narmer. Just to be sure.’
Fluffy waved her antennae at me suspiciously. ‘Don’t you believe me?’ she demanded.
‘Of course I believe you.’ Sort of, I added in my mind. ‘It’s just that, well, making someone king is a big deal! Or it is these days, anyway! I just need to talk to him first.’ I hesitated. ‘I suppose if you bring him here though, Nut or Methen will find out and get suspicious.’
‘No worries,’ said Fluffy smugly. ‘I can get him here without anyone noticing! We cats are good at things like that!’
‘But …’ I began.
It was too late. Fluffy had scuttled away into the darkness.
I lay there and worried. Was I doing the right thing? Maybe just visiting me here tonight would be enough to get Narmer killed!
Or maybe … maybe I had just imagined everything. That must be it, I decided. I’d had a nightmare from too much roast hippopotamus, and just dreamed that a beetle called Fluffy had come in to say she had the perfect king for Ancient Egypt.
Ha! I thought. That was it! I’d dreamt it all …
‘,’ said a voice.
Chapter 18
Prince Narmer Confesses
I looked around. ‘Fluffy?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘No, it’s me,’ said the voice. ‘But Fluffy’s here too,’ it added.
‘But where are you!’ I demanded.
Someone giggled. ‘Up here!’
I looked up. ‘Narmer!’
‘Yep. It’s me,’ he said proudly. His grubby face peered down at me from the ceiling.
‘But how did you get up in the ceiling? Again.’ I added.
‘With my net.’
‘Your fishing net! But …’
‘No,’ said Narmer patiently. ‘My “escaping from crocodiles and getting up onto the roof where no one can see me so I can find out what’s happening” net.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
‘If any crocodile comes through my door they tread on a string that releases the switch that pulls me up safely in my net. See?’
‘I think I do,’ I said slowly.
‘And, when I want to go somewhere so no one sees me, I let the net haul me up to the ceiling and run across the roof and walls. It’s a bit hard to get down sometimes, though,’ he added.
‘Let me help you!’ I said. I shoved a few cushions underneath him.
‘Thanks,’ said Narmer. He let go of the net and whump! landed right in front of me.
‘Greetings again, human,’ said Fluffy. I peered down. She was perched on Narmer’s shoulder, half hidden by his tunic.
‘Hey,’ said Narmer, ‘is there anything to eat here? All I’ve had for days is cheese. Just in case Methen decides to poison me,’ he added.
‘You poor kid!’ I said. I gestured to our leftovers. ‘Help yourself! I’m pretty sure it’s not poisoned,’ I added.
Narmer tore off a hunk of roast hippopotomus and began to munch it hungrily. ‘Fluffy usually keeps an eye on the kitchens to make sure my food is safe. But she’s had a lot to do these last few days.’
‘Yeah,’ said Fluffy. ‘Pretend to be an oracle. Keep an eye on you lot. Watch out for crocodiles and poisoned roast hippopotomus. A cat’s work is never done.’
I shook my head. ‘How did you two meet?’ I demanded. And how on earth can you not notice that your cat is a beetle, I thought. But I didn’t say anything. Narmer looked like he had enough to worry about.
Narmer grinned around his mouthful of hippopotomus. ‘I was five years old,’ he said. ‘Dad had just poisoned his brother so he could be king instead and Mum had fed Dad’s favourite new wife to her pet python and Methen …’ For a second Narmer looked like he was trying to force back tears, then his face grew firmer. ‘Methen had tried out a new poison on my cat. Just to see if it poisoned properly,’ he added bitterly.
‘Did it?” I asked gently.
‘Yes,’ said Narmer. ‘And I was … a bit upset in my garden …’
‘You were crying your eyes out,’ said Fluffy.
‘Wasn’t!’
‘Was so too.’
‘Wasn’t!’ insisted Narmer.
‘Anyway,’ I interrupted. ‘You were in the garden feeling all alone …’
Narmer stared. ‘How did you guess I was feeling lonely?’
‘I guessed,’ I said dryly.
‘And this voice said, “Hey kid, you want a friend?” And it was Fluffy!’ cried Narmer.
‘And we’ve been together ever since,’ finished Fluffy. ‘A boy and his cat,’ she added sentimentally.
Or beetle, I thought. ‘Look,’ I said. ‘How do I know you’ll be a good king? What if you decide to start poisoning your enemies, too?’
‘I won’t,’ said Narmer simply.
‘Why not? Because it’s wrong?’
‘Well, that too,’ said Narmer seriously. ‘But mostly because it doesn’t work. I’ve watched what happens when people poison each other and stuff like that all my life. And it just means people are scared of you, and if they’re scared of you, they hate you, and if they hate you, they try to kill you, too … it just keeps going! No, what I’d do …’ said Narmer.
‘And me,’ added Fluffy.
‘I’d try to be such a good king that everyone would think, hey, we need him! I’d make an alliance with the Marsh Dwellers so they wouldn’t want to invade us, then if they’re on our side the Cliff City people won’t want to fight either of us, and if the Cliff City and the Marsh Dwellers and us all get together, then …’
‘I get the idea,’ I interrupted. ‘You’d be so strong you’d be safe!’
‘Exactly!’ Narmer’s eyes glowed. ‘And then other cities would join us! And I’d try to make life better for all the peasants and town people so they were too busy to want to fight.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know yet,’ admitted Narmer. ‘But I’ve got lots of ideas. Ideas are what I’m good at.’
‘Me too!’ said Fluffy. ‘We cats are great at ideas.’
I gazed at him. Here was a kid whose family only cared about power and hatred. A lonely kid who only had a beetle as a friend. But I believed him. He’d do his best.
‘Okay, kid,’ I declared. ‘You’re king.’
I expected him to cheer. But he just shook his head. ‘You can’t just tell everyone I’m king,’ he objected.
‘Why not? I’m the Wondrous Heroine etcetera, etcetera.’
‘Because Nut and Methen will try to kill him, cucumber brain!’ protested Fluffy.
‘So what if they do? I’ll ask Phredde and Bruce to PING! up something that will keep you safe from poisoned hippopotamus and crocodiles — a sort of invisible armour.’ I hesitated. ‘Maybe I’d better not announce you’re king till I’ve had a chance to talk to Phredde and Bruce about this, just to make sure they’re prepared. We don’t want Nut or Methen taking us by surprise.’
Fluffy gazed at me. She looked sort of impressed. ‘You know, kid,’ she said, ‘for a human, you’re pretty bright. A bit more work and you might even be as clever as a beetle. Or a cat, of course,’ she added hurriedly. ‘Miaow! Miaow!’
Narmer nodded. ‘You know, you are a wondrous heroine!’ he said.
It was funny, I thought. I felt sort of glowing after that, much more than when Prince Methen had said I looked like a sunrise.
‘See you tomorrow!’ announced Narmer. He pulled a hooked stick out from under his tunic, pulled down a bit of rope from his net, took hold of it and tugged. PING! (But not a magic PING! this time.) The net hauled him up to the ceiling.
‘Bye!’ called Fluffy. Then I was alone.
I lay there thinking for a while. It was suddenly all simple. Narmer would be the perfect king, even if he did think his pet beetle was a cat.
He’d unite Egypt under one peaceful ruler
and make it prosperous and build some pyramids. Or his descendents would, anyway, once they’d got the general idea from the Babylonian architects and … and …
I fell asleep and dreamed of pyramids. Purple ones, just like my favourite socks at home.
Chapter 19
Breakfast
The bowing woke me. You don’t think bowing makes any noise? You wait till fifty-six servants bow in front of YOUR bed one morning.
‘Gloop,’ I said, trying to focus. (I’m never at my best before breakfast.)
‘Good morning, Oh Wondrous One!’ carolled Sennufer, getting to his feet. ‘I hope The Wondrous One slept well?’
‘The Wondrous One slept fine, thanks,’ I muttered, wondering if my hair looked like a bird’s nest and if I had dribble on my chin.
‘The Royal Hairdresser is here to attend you,’ Sennufer informed me. ‘And the Royal Manicurist and the Royal Foot Softener and the Royal Make-up Artist and the Royal Dressmaker and the Royal Ear Cleaner and the Royal …’
‘Do I need all those?’ I stammered. Then I thought of the way Bruce had looked at Princess Nut yesterday. ‘No worries,’ I decided. ‘I’ll take them all!’
Sennufer waved his hands and the crowd got to their feet, just as Phredde flapped her wings blearily round the curtains. (Phredde isn’t at her best either when she first wakes up.)
‘Thuglpt?’ she asked sleepily, gazing round at everyone as though she was going to doze off again in mid air.
‘They’re the Royal Hairdresser and the Royal Manicurist and the Royal Foot Softener and the Royal Make-up Artist and the Royal Dressmaker and lots of other Royal thingummies,’ I told her. ‘They’re here to make us beautiful.’
‘Snglwp,’ said Phredde. ‘Hey, is there any roast hippopotamus left?’
Sennufer clapped his hands. ‘Bring the Wondrous One and her Official Phaery some fresh roast hippopotamus!’
‘Stop!’ I yelled. I’d suddenly remembered Fluffy’s warnings about poisoned hippopotamus.
‘Yes, Oh Wondrous One?’ enquired Sennufer.
I hesitated. Fluffy had said she was keeping an eye on things, didn’t she? She’d make sure we weren’t fed poisoned hippo. And, anyway, Prince Methen had no reason to poison us yet. He still expected me to say he was king!
Phredde and the Purple Pyramid Page 6
