‘Nothing!’ I said. ‘Some fresh roast hippopotamus would be great, and a few other things too,’ I added hopefully. I didn’t know what Ancient Egyptians had for breakfast, but I’d bet it wasn’t going to be muesli.
One of the servants scurried out. Seconds later she scurried back in again, with a giant tray of roast hippopotamus. (I wonder if they kept an entire hippopotamus roasting just in case someone wanted some.) She was followed by ten other servants with trays of figs and grapes and dates and funny jube fruit and sliced cucumbers and radishes. It all seemed a bit odd for breakfast but, hey, it was better than muesli!
And about ninety sorts of bread. (I really liked the honey and date one. It was cool! And the pine-nut one with bits of fig was great too!) And a big bowl of lentil porridge which tasted almost as bad as muesli. And a whole cooked fish as big as Phredde all stuffed with green stuff (nice green stuff, not ‘this has been out of the fridge too long’ green stuff). And honeycomb oozing honey. And a plate of crunchy looking fried brown things that were like peanuts but looked as though they’d taste even better.
‘Yum!’ I thought.
I lay back and let the servants trim my toenails and wash and brush and braid my hair and rub scented stuff into my heels and peel me grapes and feed them to me and pass me thin slices of roast hippopotamus, but it was a bit rich for breakfast.
‘Pass me the crunchy brown things,’ I asked, then added, ‘please,’ because Mum’s drummed it into me that I have to be polite, even in a palace with a zillion servants bowing to me. Well, actually, she never mentioned the palace and servants bit, just said, ‘If I ever catch you not saying, please, I’ll spiflicate you!’ I’ve never found out what spiflicate is, so I’ve always been VERY careful to say please.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, the servants were passing me the platter of crunchy brown things. I inspected them carefully. My hand was just hovering over the fattest, crunchiest, longest one of them all, when:
‘Leave the crunchy brown things!’ hissed someone on my shoulder.
‘Huh!’ I said.
‘You wanted something, Oh Wondrous One?’ asked one of the servants.
‘Er, no, I’m fine,’ I said. ‘I just think I’ll have some more bread and honey.’
‘Safe choice!’ hissed the someone on my shoulder.
‘Fluffy?’ I demanded.
The Royal Hairdresser frowned. ‘You want your hair fluffy, Oh Wondrous One?’
‘No thanks,’ I said hurriedly. ‘I just thought this bread was, er, very fluffy. That’s it. It’s very fluffy bread indeed.’
Phredde looked at me a bit oddly. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked me.
‘Yes, yes, fine,’ I assured her. ‘Hey, don’t touch those crunchy brown things!’
‘Why not? There’s plenty!’ said Phredde.
‘Why not? Well, er …’ I said, hoping Fluffy would help me out.
‘Because they’re poisoned!’ hissed Fluffy.
‘Because they’re …’ I began.
‘Don’t tell her that!’ hissed Fluffy. ‘The servants will tell Prince Methen and he’ll know you suspect him!’
‘Because they’re tough,’ I said quickly. ‘That’s it. They look like really tough crunchy brown things. Almost burnt, in fact. Better have some bread and honey.’
‘But I don’t LIKE …’ began Phredde. Then she stopped and looked at me more closely. ‘Fine,’ she said carelessly. ‘I’ll just have some bread and honey. Yum yum. No tough old crunchy brown things for me!’
Half an hour later I was stuffed with bread and honey and so was Phredde — and she doesn’t even LIKE bread and honey, it’s too much like the nectar and moonbeams she has to eat at home — and we were as beautiful as the Royal Hairdresser and the Royal Manicurist and the Royal Foot Softener and the Royal Make-up Artist and the Royal Dressmaker and the other royal thingummies could make us.
They’d even dressed us in stuff a bit more, well, Ancient Egyptian than our school tracksuits.
My dress was purple and fell to my knees with lots of pleats, which sounds yuck but it was cool! And Phredde’s was a creamy yellow handkerchief sort of wrapped round so her wings could still stick out, which was clever because it’s hard buying clothes if you’re a phaery. Not to mention the fact that they are 106 sizes too big and you have to PING! them to fit.
The servants went out, bowing all the time, just as Bruce hopped in. He looked just as he always did, except someone had stuck a false beard onto his chin.
‘What’s that?’ I chortled. ‘Did you borrow a beard from a goat?’
Bruce looked affronted. ‘This is the latest fashion in Ancient Egypt,’ he informed us. ‘Princess Nut says I look very handsome in it.’
‘Princess Nutty Face thinks snakes with poisonous fangs and bad tempers are her little cutie pies,’ I told him. I waited for him to make some nice remark about how great Phredde and I looked — I mean the servants had worked on us for AGES! But all he said was, ‘Princess Nut wants to know when you’re going to announce that she’s queen.’
‘When the Nile turns red,’ I muttered.
Bruce brightened. ‘Sennufer told me that the Nile turns red when it floods! It’s all the red mud in the water! But Princess Nut mightn’t like to wait that long,’ he added, in a worried voice.
‘I meant when hippos fly!’ I said annoyed. ‘In other words, never!’
‘But she’d make a gorgeous queen!’ protested Bruce.
‘I like Prince Methen much better,’ argued Phredde.
‘Hold it!’ I said firmly. ‘Something’s come up! It’s Narmer who has to be king.’
Bruce’s googly frog eyes got even googlier. ‘Narmer! That dill pickle!’
‘He’s a pumpkin head!’ cried Phredde. ‘Even if pumpkins haven’t been invented here yet,’ she added. ‘Or discovered, or whatever you do with pumpkins.’
‘No, he’s not a pumpkin head,’ I said. I explained what had happened the night before.
Phredde stared at me. ‘Let’s get this straight!’ she said. ‘You woke up in the middle of the night and there was a talking beetle on your pillow?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Except it said it was a cat.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It went miaow, miaow at me.’
‘And this beetle dressed up as a Royal Cat said that Prince Narmer was really clever and you BELIEVED it?”
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘And it told you that Prince Methen and Princess Nut were a pair of evil murderers?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Look,’ said Phredde. ‘I don’t want to be rude, but are you sure you weren’t dreaming? You did eat a lot of roast hippopotamus last night! Maybe it gave you bad dreams.’
‘It must have been a dream!’ insisted Bruce. ‘I don’t believe Princess Nut would hurt anyone! She looks so sweet and … and …’
‘And has got big you-know-whats and a smile like a movie star,’ I said sourly.
‘That has nothing to do with it!’ protested Bruce hotly.
‘Oh, yeah? Then how come Phredde and I don’t like her, but you do?’
‘Because I’m a frog,’ said Bruce. ‘Frogs are very good judges of character.’
‘Not as good as beetles, buster,’ said someone under the table.
‘Huh?’ said Bruce.
‘Not that I’m a beetle, of course,’ said Fluffy hurriedly. ‘Miaow, miaow. Purr, purr and all that,’ she added as she climbed up the table leg and perched on the rim of a bowl of figs.
‘This is Fluffy, Queen of the Nile.’ I introduced her to my companions. ‘Fluffy, these are Phredde and Bruce.’
Phredde stared. ‘Queen of the Nile?’ she demanded.
Fluffy looked a bit uncomfortable. ‘Well, I will be,’ she argued. ‘As soon as you make Prince Narmer king he’ll make me Chief Royal Cat.’
‘But you’re a …’
‘Don’t say it!’ warned Fluffy, waving her antennae. ‘I’m a cat! Get it? Miaow, miaow; purr, purr, purr. The only
word beginning with “b” I want to hear around here is cat! If you use the wrong “b” word I might get angry.’
‘But cat starts with “c”!’ protested Phredde.
Fluffy shrugged, except it didn’t work very well as beetles don’t have shoulders. ‘So I can’t spell!’ she argued. ‘Have you ever known a cat who was good at spelling?’
‘No,’ said Phredde, stunned.
‘See? It proves my point!’ declared Fluffy. ‘I can’t spell, so I have to be a cat. A royal cat, so you have to be polite to me!’
Bruce stared at her. ‘Why do we have to be polite to a beet …’
‘I’m a CAT!’ insisted Fluffy. ‘Cat, cat, cat, CAT, CAT!’
She glared at me. ‘You might have warned me your friends have all the sense of a pile of antelope droppings.’ She thought for a minute. ‘Wet antelope droppings,’ she added. ‘Hey, is it asking too much for a bit of stroking here? We cats like being stroked.’
I extended a finger and stroked her back carefully — I didn’t want to stroke off any of the fluff. It looked straggly enough already.
‘Look,’ said Bruce. ‘We only have your word for it that Nut and Methen are bad guys!’
‘Purr, purr, etcetera, etcetera,’ said Fluffy to me. She looked Bruce up and down. ‘Alright, antelope droppings, I’ll have to prove to you that Nut and Methen are evil.’
‘I liked Prince Methen,’ stated Phredde firmly.
I sighed. Phredde really sticks by her friends, but in this case …
‘I’ll never believe sweet Princess Nut is evil,’ said Bruce stoutly, ‘because she isn’t.’ He peered down at the bowl of crunchy brown things.
‘Huh,’ said Fluffy. ‘If she’s a good guy, I’m an elephant. Hey, don’t eat those fried grasshoppers, frog brain!’
‘Why not?’ demanded Bruce. ‘They look delicious!’
‘Grasshoppers! Yuck!’ I choked. ‘I thought they were a sort of peanut! I nearly ate some!’
Phredde gagged. ‘Me too!’
‘Well, I like fried grasshoppers!’ Bruce declared. ‘And I’m going to …’
‘They’re poisoned, you dimwit!’ I shouted. ‘Aren’t they, Fluffy?’
‘Yep,’ said Fluffy. ‘Prince Methen cooked them specially for Bruce. He wants to get Bruce out of the way because he knows Bruce likes Princess Nut and he’s afraid Bruce will convince the Wondrous One here,’ Fluffy gave a snicker, ‘to make Nut queen.’
Bruce looked at the fried grasshoppers doubtfully. ‘I don’t believe it,’ he said. ‘They look fine to me.’
Fluffy shrugged, which did strange things again to her shoulders and wings. ‘Go ahead. Eat them. It’s your funeral.’
‘Hey!’ I yelled. ‘I don’t want my boyfr … my frog fr … Bruce killed by poisoned grasshoppers!’
Bruce frowned. ‘I don’t feel hungry,’ he decided. He glared at Fluffy. ‘But that’s because I’ve just had some really juicy mosquitoes for breakfast.’
‘And as for sweet Princess Nut,’ continued Fluffy, ‘she tried to send her favourite python to swallow Phredde last night while she was asleep.’
‘What!’ I shrieked. Phredde fluttered up to the ceiling in alarm.
‘A python!’ she yelled.
‘Don’t get your wings in a knot,’ advised Fluffy. ‘You’re still here, aren’t you? I took care of the python.’
Phredde flapped down and stared at her suspiciously. ‘How can someone as small as you take care of a giant python?’
‘We cats are famous snake hunters,’ began Fluffy.
‘But you’re a b …’ began Phredde.
‘There’s no need to mention the “b” word!’ yelled Fluffy. ‘If you must know, I told the python that phaeries tasted horrible and to eat the leftover hippopotamus instead.’
‘Phaeries do not taste horrible!’ retorted Phredde. ‘And it’s just your word that the python was ever there at all and that the grasshoppers are poisoned! I bet you just want Narmer king because he’s the only person in the world who is dumb enough to think that you’re a cat!’
‘I’m a …’ insisted Fluffy.
‘Hold it!’ I shouted. I held my hands over my ears until everyone shut up. ‘Look,’ I said heatedly. ‘I’m the Wondrous One around here! Alright? What I say goes!’
‘Exactly!’ cried Fluffy. ‘So tell these two piles of antelope droppings …’
‘No one calls my friends antelope droppings!’ I yelled. ‘Apologise or get out!’
‘Cats never apologise!’ cried Fluffy. She straightened her thin beetle legs and twitched her tail upright. ‘Your friends can apologise to me!’ she snorted. She stalked down off the fruit bowl, down the table leg, and disappeared.
‘Thank goodness she’s gone!’ muttered Bruce. ‘Now, about making Princess Nut queen.’
‘No way!’ cried Phredde. ‘I want Prince Methen.’
‘Narmer is going to be king!’ I informed her.
‘What!’ Phredde stared at me. ‘But you told Fluffy to apologise.’
‘She was insulting my mates! But I still want to make Narmer king! And I believe Fluffy when she says that Nut and Methen are bad guys!!’
‘How can you believe a beetle!’ cried Bruce.
‘Especially one covered in scabby fuzz and with a false tail,’ added Phredde.
‘Because I’m the Wondrous One! Remember?’
Phredde stared at me. ‘It’s gone to your head!’ she cried. ‘I’d never have believed it! There’s no reason to be stuck up just because you’re wearing silk and gold and jewels now instead of a school uniform, and everyone is calling you Wondrous One! Come on, Bruce! Let’s get out of here! It’s too,’ she hesitated, ‘CROWDED for me in here.’
‘Me too,’ said Bruce.
They stalked — okay, hopped and flew — out of the room.
Now what, I thought. !
Chapter 20
Decisions!
‘Er, Wondrous One!’
I looked round. A servant paused in the doorway, holding a platter of grapes and stuffed dates. How long had she been there, I wondered. And how much had she heard?
‘What is it?’ I demanded. I was really embarrassed to think anyone had heard me arguing with my friends.
‘The grapes and dates you asked for, Oh Wondrous One.’
‘I didn’t ask for any …’ I snapped, then stopped. There was no point taking my anger out on a poor servant. ‘Oh well, I feel like a snack,’ I tried to sound gracious. ‘Put them on the table.’
‘Yes, Oh Wondrous One,’ said the servant. She scuttled in and placed the platter before me, then bowed her way out.
I was so mad I stripped off my purple silk thing and shoved my tracksuit back on. Stuck up, was I? I’d show them! I didn’t need silks and gold jewels and stuff! I’d declare Narmer king without them! And there had to be some way to keep him safe from Methen and Nut without asking Phredde and Bruce for help.
I flung myself down on the bed and tried to think.
I was right, wasn’t I? I thought, plucking a grape off the platter and munching it absent-mindedly. Prince Methen really was a poisoner and Princess Nut really did feed people to her crocodiles?
Had I been too trusting? Maybe it was Fluffy who was lying and Phredde and Bruce were right! Maybe they were better judges of character than me.
Maybe Fluffy had even taken in Prince Narmer! Maybe Nut and Methen were really nice, and Nut was just fond of animals — ferocious animals — and Methen just liked cooking and everyone really had just got indigestion …
I took another grape and swallowed it thoughtfully. Okay, so I was planning to make a kid King of Egypt — and a dopey-looking kid at that. But I’d seen him when he wasn’t being dopey and even if Nut and Methen were okay, I still liked Narmer. He’d make a great king, if only I could keep him safe …
I took another grape, then put it down. I wasn’t hungry. It was all too difficult. Much too difficult. And I was so sleepy too.
I just wanted to lie down and shut my
eyes and …
And when I awoke the world was dark and cold and muddy. And I was all alone.
Chapter 21
Imprisoned!
Where was I? I tried to look around. But there was only blackness in every direction.
I tried to move. But my hands were tied together and so were my feet. Maybe I could crawl like a slug on my tummy, but where to? The whole world was dark and cold.
I sniffed. Wherever I was stank as well, I decided. It was a vaguely familiar smell, sort of sweet and rotten at the same time. Where had I smelt it before?
I had a headache too, and I felt sick. What had happened to me? The last thing I remembered, I’d been in my room eating the grapes the servant had brought me and …
The grapes! They’d been poisoned! The servants — or someone — must have heard me tell Phredde and Bruce I was going to make Narmer king! They’d gone to tell Prince Methen and he’d handed them the poisoned grapes.
And then I’d eaten them and fallen asleep!
Where had they taken me? I wondered desperately. How long had I been asleep for?
‘Phredde? Where are you?’
Red … red … red … echoed my voice. It sounded even more lonely than I was.
‘Phredde? Bruce? Fluffy?’
No answer.
‘Can anyone hear me?’
‘Hear me, hear me, hear me’ sang the echoes.
‘HELP!!!!!!!!!’
No one replied, just the echo of my voice going on and on … eeeeeeeelllllllppppppp …
I tried to see through the darkness. Was that a wall? Or a dark ceiling up above? Surely there was light SOMEWHERE.
But the darkness was all around. It clung to me like black swimming togs.
‘Hellllppppp!’ I screamed again.
But when the echoes died away there was only silence.
I took a deep breath, then wished I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure what that stink was, but it didn’t do nice things to my lungs.
Okay. I was tied up in what seemed like a dark cave or tunnel or … I shivered … an Ancient Egyptian burial chamber. Or maybe a cellar. Did the Ancient Egyptians have cellars? I needed to ask Bruce, but he wasn’t here. NO ONE was here.
Phredde and the Purple Pyramid Page 7
