Playing With Fire (Guarded Hearts)

by Noelle, Alexis

  "I know. I'll talk to him, I promise."

  Carter

  "Listen, J, you need to start talking and tell me what the hell happened between you and Nicole."

  I met Jason at the coffee house today because Maddy and I decided we needed to get to the bottom of whatever happened. For the longest time, I had the same mentality that Jason did. I wasn't willing to let anyone in, and I just didn't want to. But, I could see that he wanted it with Nicole. His stubborn ass just didn't want to admit it.

  "Carter, just let it go. It was nothing."

  "That's bullshit, J, and you know it. I've seen you with plenty of girls, and I can tell this was different." I knew he had commitment issues, but he needed to get over them. Nicole was great, and I could tell he knew it.

  "All right, listen, I admit that she got under my skin. I don't know what it is and it's pissing me off because I can't get her out of my head. I don't want a relationship, Carter, I don't want to depend on someone just so they can leave. I understand it's messed up, but that's just the way it is right now."

  He was such a damn idiot. "J, listen, Nicole isn't one of those girls who's just going to use you, okay? She isn't like that, and I think that's why you're scared. You know that, if something happened with you and her, it would be long-term. What you need to understand is that it isn't a bad thing."

  "I know that, Carter. I see how you and Mads are, but that's just not something I can wrap my head around right now."

  "Well, you can't use other girls to screw her out of your system, you know."

  "Trust me, I'm starting to figure that out. The screwed up thing is that when I'm with those girls, I'm imagining they're her." His phone started ringing and he smiled, but quickly wiped it off.

  "Who is it?"

  "It's Nicole. She wants to meet me. I don't know what to say, Carter."

  "Meet her and figure this out, J."

  He just nodded at me and got up to leave.

  When I got home, Maddy was sitting on the couch, watching TV. I plopped down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. "How was lunch with Jason, babe?"

  "He's a stubborn ass. I tried my best, but I don't know if it did any good. How about you?"

  "My lunch was...interesting." I turned to look at her because I could hear the hesitation in her voice. "Nicole told me about how you feel like I need to talk to you more."

  "Maddy, listen, I-"

  "You're right." Well, I wasn't expecting that. "Carter, I'm sorry if I've been closed off. I'm just not used to having people to talk to. I'm used to just taking things in and keeping them there. I understand now that it isn't going to work anymore."

  "I'm glad you know you have people who are here for you. I'm not going to push you, though. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here."

  "I'm ready to talk."

  I'd been waiting for this. I knew she's get here if I didn't push her. "Okay."

  "Thinking about what happened on New Year's still scares the crap out of me. I have nightmares and I don't wake you up when they happen, but I'm not sure why. It's scary for me to know that whoever did it is just out there, and I don't know why they did it or who they are. I get that I can't keep you in the dark, though. I want to be more open with you, and I promise you that I will."

  Shit, I didn't even know she was having nightmares. "Baby, I want you to wake me up the next time you have a nightmare. I also know how much it must scare you to know that the asshole who did it is still out there, but you have me and the boys and we're here for you. You don't have to deal with the stuff on your own. Okay?"

  She nodded and I hoped I'd really gotten through to her.

  Madison

  It made me nervous to open up to Carter. The way I was letting people in wasn't something I was used to, or comfortable with. Nicole was right, though. I needed to realize I had people in my corner now, and I shouldn't shut them out.

  Lately, going to bed was something I dreaded because I was having nightmares almost every night. Sometimes, it would be about Chris. Other times, it would be New Year's Eve, but the worst ones were the ones from my childhood. My father and the homes I'd been placed in after him were things I was constantly trying to block out.

  I crawled into bed and snuggled up to Carter like I usually did, but I felt a little more at ease tonight. He told me to wake him up if I had one. Before, I always felt bad doing that. Now that he said it was something he wanted me to do, I felt more at ease with doing it.

  "Madison!"

  Why was he yelling? I did everything that was on my list and then I went back up to the attic like I was supposed to. Jim was always yelling at me and Mary just laughed. I walked downstairs and when I got to the kitchen, Jim looked mad at me. He pointed to the counters I'd just cleaned but when I looked, they had ketchup and mustard smeared all over them. "What happened?"

  He walked around the counter and stood over me. "You tell me! I come home from work and this is what I find?"

  "No, I just cleaned those. I promise!"

  He smacked me across the face. "Don't you lie to me! I know you did this!" He grabbed my face by my cheeks and turned my head to look at the counters. "You'll get those clean now! I didn't bring you here so you could have fun. You're here to make things easier for all of us! If you can't do that, I'll throw you out on the streets!"

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stephanie and her jeans were dirty. When I looked closer, I saw red and yellow stains. "She did it just to get me in trouble! Look at her pants!"

  Jim looked at her and she smiled at him. "Daddy, I didn't do it. I just saw it and was going to tell you when you got home." Jim's grip on my face only tightened and he threw me to the floor.

  "Honey, why don't you go watch TV while Madison and I talk."

  She started to walk out of the room, but turned around and smiled at me first. I looked up at Jim and his face was all red. He started to take off his belt. "You'll learn better than to do stuff like this and try to blame my daughter!"

  He hit me across my back and legs with the belt. I yelped in pain every time it hit me.

  "You are worthless!"

  The belt came down on my back.

  "No one will ever want you!"

  He hit me again.

  "No one will ever love you!"

  "Maddy!" Carter was shaking me, and I realized I was in his arms. I was out of breath, sweating and shaking. "You're fine, baby. I'm here."

  After I calmed myself down, I looked up at him. He looked so worried. "I guess you can tell that I had a dream and it was worse than they usually are. I'm sorry if I scared you."

  "Don't apologize for that. Are you okay? What was your dream about?"

  Could I really talk to him about this stuff? I thought back to earlier today. I needed to let him in. "The dream was about a family I lived with after getting taken away from my dad. Walking into my first foster home was scary. I didn't know what to expect and I had no idea how to act. I knew it was better that I wasn't with my dad anymore because he didn't treat me right. The family I was going to be living with seemed nice enough. Jim and Mary were a married couple and they had two kids. The girl, Stephanie, was a year older than I was, and they had a son who was three. The first couple months were nice, and the caseworker had been coming to check in on me."

  "Once she stopped coming, though, that's when things had gotten bad. Jim gave me a list of things I was supposed to have done every day like cleaning, and sometimes cooking. I wasn't allowed to eat or hang out with the family. I did my chores, was given something small to eat and had to stay in my room. He always reminded me that I wasn't their kid, or their family. I was there to make things easier for them, not to have fun. Stephanie hated me so she was always doing things to get me into trouble. That's what the dream was about. One time when she did it, I told Jim it was her. He didn't believe me and hit me with his belt for trying to blame his daughter."

  "Didn't anyone know what was going on?"

  "No. After about three months, they too
k me out of school to home school me. Jim's idea of home school was, basically, just having me read books when I was done cleaning."

  "How did you finally get out of there?"

  "One time he hit me with Stephanie's t-ball bat. It had been the worst he'd ever done to me. Afterward I went outside and trashed his car with it. They called the cops and I was relocated. He told them I got the bruises when he was trying to restrain me. They believed him because I was just another juvenile delinquent."

  "I hate all the things that you've been through, but I understand why it's hard for you to let people in. Just know that Nicole, Jason, Shawn, and I are all here for you. We love you and you can count on us."

  I knew he was right. It was just taking me some time to get used to it.

  * * *

  Today was going to be our first official family dinner and I couldn't wait! I didn't remember ever having this when I was younger. The boys and Nicole were all coming over, and I was making dinner for everyone.

  Nicole and Jason still didn't work through their issues, but I was hoping that everything would still go smooth tonight.

  I spent all day cooking while Carter helped me. By helped, I mean tasted everything. Everyone started getting there around five and they all came bearing gifts. Shawn brought chips and salsa, J contributed a case of beer for the guys and twisted teas for us girls and, thankfully, Nicole brought a cake since I'd completely forgotten about dessert.

  Things went smooth for the most part. There was still tension between Nicole and Jason, but that was something they were going to need to work out. There was only so much you could do. Sometimes people needed to find their own way back.

  We all sat around after dinner, playing drinking games and talking. I felt like the more alcohol they drank, the closer and more at ease they got with each other. Everyone ended up leaving around ten, and I was so exhausted that I passed out.

  I have to say that I was so excited for next Sunday so we could do it all over again. I loved my new family so much and it made me so happy to feel like I finally had someplace that I fit in.

  Chapter Eleven

  Carter

  I couldn't believe that it was the last day of the semester already. I felt like it all went by so fast, especially with everything that had been going on this year.

  Jason and Nicole still hadn't gotten their relationship together and, although they'd slept together a couple more times, they were still emotionally torturing each other. I was having lunch today with J, and I was going to try one last ditch effort to get through to him.

  Maddy and I had been doing great. She'd been much more open with me and it had been wonderful. Not to mention that the sex had been fucking amazing. She'd really let her insecurities go.

  When I pulled up to the diner, I could see that Jason's pick-up was already there. He was so damn hard-headed that I didn't think anything I said was really going to make a difference. I told Maddy I'd try one last time, though.

  "Hey, J, what's up?"

  "You tell me, dude, although I have a feeling I already know."

  As soon as I sat down, the waitress made her way over and, when I looked up, I was shocked. "Alyssa?"

  She smirked at me in that way that she used to when we were together. "Carter! It's so good to see you." She ran her finger down my arm and I moved away from her. "What can I get the two hottest boys on campus?"

  Jason laughed and I kicked him under the table. "Shit, I'll have a...uh…water and a double bacon cheeseburger.

  "And what can I get you, Carter?" She said that in a way that let me know it wasn't just the food that she was offering up.

  "Just give me the same."

  "I'll give you anything you ask for." She winked at me, then walked off toward the kitchen. That girl just didn't know when to quit. When I looked up at Jason, he was smiling at me.

  "That girl never quits, does she?"

  "You're not kidding. Listen, she's the last thing I wanted to talk about today."

  He groaned and shook his head. "I have a feeling I already know what you wanna talk about, Carter. Just drop it. She's leaving today for the summer, and I'm going to be going back home."

  "That doesn't mean you can't get it all out on the table and tell her how you feel."

  "Can't we just drop this shit already, Carter? I'm done. It's not happening. I've been moving on, or at least trying. While I might like her, it's not gonna happen. I'm going to go back home, work all summer and, hopefully, this will all blow over."

  "Whatever you say, dude. It's your life. I got my last shift at the club tomorrow. Are you gonna come over?"

  I was thankful that Jason and Shawn had helped me so much with keeping an eye on Maddy. At first I knew they were just doing it as a favor to me, but now she was a part of our family. Shawn hadn't been around as much lately, though, and I wasn't really sure what was going on with him.

  "Yeah, I'll be there, but I need to get my truck worked on before I drive home. Can I borrow your car and I'll come pick you up when you're done with your shift?"

  "Yeah, that's fine."

  "So, where's my little sister today?"

  Before I could answer, Alyssa was at our table. "Here's your food, boys." I could tell that she'd pulled her shirt down even more since the last time she'd been at the table. When she bent over to put our plates down, I swear I thought they were gonna fall out. I knew she thought that this was going to do something for me, but all it did was make me pity her. She still didn't get that looks weren't everything and I wasn't interested. When I didn't acknowledge her, she huffed and walked away while mumbling something under her breath.

  "She went to campus to sell back her books and see a couple of friends."

  "That's good. She's really changed this year. I remember the first time you introduced us to her. She'd barely look us in the eye and seemed scared of everything. Now, she's so open and gives us our shit right back."

  He was right, and I was so happy that I wasn't the only one who noticed. "Yeah, she's pretty amazing."

  We finished our burgers and when Alyssa dropped off the check, she continued the "in your face" approach. When she walked away, we both laughed. "So, what do you want to tip the lovely lady, Carter?"

  "Truthfully, an adult sized T-shirt would be the perfect tip."

  "Have you noticed anything weird with Shawn lately?"

  "What do you mean?" I knew he hadn't been around as much, but I figured he was just busy.

  "He's been going to the gym constantly, and he's always getting these calls on his phone from weird numbers. He goes into a different room to answer them, and then usually leaves after he gets off the phone."

  "Have you asked him about it?"

  "Yeah. He said he just has a lot of study groups and shit with finals. C'mon, though, Carter. When has Shawn ever studied?"

  Jason was right. Shawn had always pulled straight A’s without ever needing to open a book. He was pre-med now, though, so maybe he needed it. "I dunno, dude. It can't be anything that serious. I mean, it's Shawn."

  "Yeah, I guess you're right."

  I hoped I was.

  Madison

  I just got done having lunch with my study group that helped me get through Philosophy this year. I'd really met some great people this semester and I owed most of that to Carter. He showed me that it was okay to be myself and that if people couldn't like me for me, then they didn't matter.

  I'd definitely started to open up more to everyone, and it felt great not to have to carry everything on my shoulders. I was almost at the bookstore when one of the classroom doors opened and I was pulled inside.

  Chris was standing in front of me, and my heart started to beat faster. This was the first time we'd been alone together since he'd snuck into Carter's room while I was asleep.

  He went to give me a hug and I took a step back. "What do you want, Chris?"

  "You look good, Madison."

  I wasn't going to do this with him right now, and I was really uncomfort
able. "I need to go, Chris. I have things to do."

  I started to open the door, but he pushed it closed. "I just want to talk to you for a second."

  I turned around slowly. He was much too close for comfort right now. I ducked under his arm and walked to the middle of the room. "I can give you five minutes. What is it?"

  "You've gotten feisty, haven't you?" He was smiling at me in a way that made my stomach turn. I started to walk toward the door again. "All right, wait, I'll stop. Listen, I don't know if you know this but I'm transferring to NYU."

  He was leaving? Yes! I couldn't let him know how happy I was that I'd never need to deal with him again. "Why?"

  "This school just isn't right for me. I'm actually moving to New York tomorrow. I figured I'd get used to the city in the summer before school starts."

  "That's good for you, Chris."

  He started to move toward me and I started to circle around the classroom and make my way to the door, in case things got bad. "Come with me."

  "What?" Was he crazy? After everything that happened, he really thought that asking me to come with him would work? After everything, I knew that he wasn't all there, but I was really starting to question his sanity.

  "I want you with me, Madison. We can have a new life together. I already have an apartment for us. You have good grades too. I'm sure you could get into NYU."

  "Chris, we aren't together anymore. I'm with Carter now, and I'm happy. This is something you need to accept. I think it's great that you're starting over in New York, but I'm not going with you."

  I saw his eyes darken. I was almost at the door now. It was a look I knew all too well, and I knew I didn't have long before things got bad. I just needed to reach the doorknob.

  "So, was everything a lie then? Did you just pretend to love me so I'd take you here? How can you sit here and say that shit to me!"