The Saddler Boys

by Fiona Palmer

  DREW was feeling dead on his feet. The inside of his Case tractor had been his home for the past nineteen days straight and probably would be for the same time again, if there were no interruptions and problems. Really, he’d been lucky to go for this long, getting enough rain to keep going but not so much that he couldn’t get back on the paddocks. It helped knowing that Billy was in good hands. Except for today. He’d grown sixty ulcers just thinking about today. Simone had called last week, obeying his rules of calling before turning up, and she’d asked if she could come out and meet Billy properly.

  What could he do? Say no? He’d thought about it and was ready to have her cut from his life completely, but then he’d thought about Alice. A life without knowing his mum . . . Of course Simone was never going to be an Alice, but she was all Billy had. If he was putting his son first, then he knew Billy had a right to at least meet her – if only on Drew’s terms. He was also mindful that Simone could well be crazy enough to steal Billy away one day. It was a far better option to keep her on good terms for now, at least until he could get the paperwork sorted and the law on his side. Someone like Simone could vanish with Billy in the blink of an eye. His stomach contorted with the thought, almost forcing his lunch back up. Doris’s roast meat and pickle sandwiches were awesome, but he didn’t want to experience them a second time.

  Drew finished out the line he was on before pulling up and shutting everything down. He walked across the paddock, over the earth he’d just seeded with Bullock barley, and jumped in his ute, which was parked by the truck filled with fertiliser.

  Billy would be getting off the bus any minute and Drew wanted to have another talk with him before Simone arrived. He’d told her to be at the farm after four but he wasn’t counting on her being early or even on time. It wasn’t something Simone had ever been good at.

  Drew found himself speeding along the farm tracks too fast, his nerves making his foot go down while his mind was elsewhere. He slowed down and tried to get to the house in one piece. As Drew pulled up, he noticed dust from the little motorbike, indicating Billy wasn’t far away either. Drew got out and waited. He felt like collapsing in a pile of jumbled nerves and anxiety but instead he remained upright, thanks to the ute, and forced a smile as Billy parked his bike and took off his helmet.

  ‘Hey, Dad.’

  Billy hung his helmet on the handlebar, then stepped into Drew’s waist and hugged him tightly, his schoolbag still stuck to him like a turtle shell. And Billy didn’t let go; his little arms clung like a vice. Could he sense Drew’s fear, or was he frightened himself? Drew knelt down in the dirt so he could face his son, see the tiny freckles, the long eyelashes that Alice had always remarked on, the tiny scar on his forehead from when he had tripped and fallen as a toddler. But it was his bright blue eyes that gripped his heart. Alice had said they were wise eyes, as if Billy had been here before. They sparkled as if each one held a galaxy full of planets and stars, such wonder beyond imagination.

  ‘It’ll be okay, Dad,’ said Billy as he patted Drew’s shoulder. ‘I love you.’

  Drew bit his lip. His eyes glazed with tears but he blinked them away. He couldn’t afford to break down now. He couldn’t put his fears onto his son. He wondered what Billy was thinking, standing there tall and strong, ready to face what was to come, while Drew felt the opposite. Ah, the innocence of childhood.

  ‘I know, buddy. And I’ll always love you. Are you ready to meet Simone?’ Drew couldn’t bring himself to call Simone his mother and preferred Billy to call her by her name too. She had not earned the right to be called Mum. She had a lot to prove before that would ever happen. ‘Do you have any questions for me? Or anything you want to ask her as well?’ Drew stood up and guided Billy inside with a gentle hand on his shoulder.

  ‘Will she like me, Dad?’

  His question was like a shovel to the big toe. This is why he wanted Simone ‘gone’ – so she couldn’t bring out all these feelings of insecurity for Billy. ‘Of course she’ll like you! What’s not to like? Natty thinks you’re awesome.’

  His smile grew wide. ‘I wish Natty could be my mum.’

  Drew stumbled along the path, almost tripping up. He was shocked by Billy’s statement yet had to agree. Billy was thriving, being with Nat while he was seeding. He could tell they were growing close. Nat would make an amazing mum, just like Alice. He wanted that for Billy, not Simone, whose life was a wreck, whose addiction came first over love and family. How could he ever trust her?

  Once they were inside they made a Milo and waited. Neither of them was capable of starting any jobs. Even folding washing seemed impossible.

  Turbo barked and Drew checked his watch. Simone was practically on time. He didn’t know how he felt about that. Did he dare believe she’d improved? In a way he’d hoped she was still the unreliable person she’d always been. It would make hating her easier, make keeping Billy easier.

  ‘She’s here,’ Billy said with a mixture of excitement and panic. His eyes were wide like plates.

  Drew just felt dread. It sat in his stomach like black tar.

  Simone was standing by her car when they walked out. She wore black skinny jeans and a big knitted grey jumper. Her straight hair hung down and the light made the red highlights brighter. She was wearing the same dark-green beanie as last time and her fringe almost covered her eyes. A cigarette was burning away between her stained fingers.

  Billy was hanging on to Drew’s waist, hiding behind him and peering around his body like he used to do when he was younger. Drew would be happy if he stayed like this, wary of Simone, never giving her his heart, because Drew couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t rip it into shreds.

  ‘Hi, Simone.’

  ‘Hey, Drew.’ She sucked a big drag from her smoke and butted it out on the ground with her sneaker. ‘Hi, Billy,’ she said, bending down.

  Billy didn’t speak. His hand gripped Drew’s jeans, pulling on his leg hairs, but he wasn’t about to complain.

  They all stood awkwardly by her car. It was eerily still; even the birds remained quiet. It made Drew more nervous and fidgety. ‘Shall we go and grab a seat? Did you want a coffee?’

  Simone smiled and Drew saw the fun, cheeky girl he’d first met. God, it felt like a lifetime ago. They’d been so intimate back then but now she was like a stranger. Billy had changed him so much, for the better.

  ‘A coffee would be great, thanks. Thanks for letting me come visit, too. It’s the only time I get off work,’ she added, following them to the back verandah.

  ‘Where are you working?’

  ‘I’m managing the small IGA store near my place. I’ve been there a while.’

  Drew nodded and told her to have a seat on the chair outside. He didn’t want her in his house. For all he knew she could be casing the joint, chasing some quick cash. He didn’t want her to see their life, their home, or be a part of it.

  ‘I’ll just get the coffee. How do you like it?’

  ‘White with two, thanks.’

  ‘Righto. Turbo will keep you company,’ he said before ducking inside, Billy still clinging to him.

  ‘She’s different, Dad,’ whispered Billy, glancing at the glass door while Drew turned on the kettle. ‘She smokes.’ Billy screwed up his face. ‘She smells. Do I have to hug her?’

  ‘No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You don’t even have to talk to her. But if she asks you a question, it’s rude not to answer,’ Drew added, trying to be a good parent when really he wanted to say the opposite. If Billy decided to scream at her, tell her he never wanted to see her ever again . . . well, that would be just fine and dandy by him.

  Back outside, he handed Simone her cup. She embraced it with her hands, her jumper sleeves so long they just about covered her fingers.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Billy crawled onto Drew’s lap but faced Simone. Drew could tell his son was curious. He was gazing at Simone and it was making her uncomfortable. Good.

  ‘He has your
eyes,’ said Simone. ‘But I think he has my nose.’

  ‘Yeah.’ It was the only part of Billy he was willing to give her credit for. Other than that he didn’t want to see Simone’s genes. Billy was all Saddler in personality. He hoped it stayed that way.

  ‘He looks a bit like my brother when he was little.’

  They made horrible small talk, but most of the time was spent in silence while Billy openly stared at her.

  Billy moved to whisper in Drew’s ear, his bony bottom digging into Drew’s thigh. But it was the question Billy had whispered that caused him to flinch.

  Drew cleared his throat. ‘Um, Billy wants to know why you want to see him now, after all this time.’ Actually it had been the first question Drew had asked her last time. Why now?

  ‘Well, I’ve always thought about you. Wondered what you looked like, how tall you were getting. I couldn’t really come before because I wasn’t very healthy. But now,’ Simone gave him a big smile, ‘I’m healthy, I have a job, a house, a partner and it was time to see you.’

  Drew’s ears picked up at the mention of a partner. What kind of bloke was he? He didn’t want some other guy near his son.

  Billy whispered to Drew, ‘She’s still not very healthy if she smokes.’

  Whether or not Simone heard it, she didn’t say.

  ‘Also my mum passed away a month ago,’ she added.

  ‘Sorry, Simone,’ Drew said softly.

  She shrugged. ‘I know she was struggling but she was my mum and I loved her. I guess it was saying goodbye to her and remembering the good and the bad that made me think more about Billy. Made me want to reach out and right a few wrongs.’

  Drew nodded. He didn’t really know what to say. He’d told her about Alice on her last visit. Simone had glanced around, looking for her, the fear evident on her face. Alice could be a tough cookie when it was called for so Simone had a right to be afraid of coming back to face her. When Drew said she’d passed away he’d been annoyed at the relief he’d seen surge through her body. But Drew was older now; he could be just as tough as his mum if need be.

  Drew was relieved Simone didn’t spell out her issues to Billy, and the real reasons behind walking away from him. He didn’t want his young son knowing anything about drugs or the harsh realities of life just yet. Simone said she was clean, had been for over a year now, but to Drew that wasn’t enough. A year was nothing when most of her life had been on drugs.

  ‘Can you tell me about yourself? What you like to do? Do you have pets?’ Simone asked Billy softly. She put her cup down and focused on the child wriggling in Drew’s arms.

  He looked up at Drew with those big eyes. He could tell he was torn about what to do. Drew gave him a reassuring smile. Billy returned it before facing Simone again.

  ‘I have Turbo and chooks and my yabbies,’ said Billy slowly. ‘And I like riding my motorbike.’

  ‘Oh, wow, you have a motorbike. Where do you ride it? You must be very clever,’ she said.

  Simone had always been good at getting people to talk and she worked her magic on Billy. She pretended to be in raptures as he told her about the bike track. Slowly he opened up, but he remained on Drew’s lap, which Drew liked.

  ‘Can I see you again?’ Simone’s question was put to both of them. ‘Maybe you could come and stay with me?’

  Billy shrugged and Drew silently cursed. Over his dead body.

  ‘Say goodbye, Billy, and then it’s time for you to have a shower,’ said Drew. He needed to talk to Simone. He wanted her to know his plans.

  ‘Bye, Billy.’ Simone stood up, her arms held out as if she was hopeful for a hug.

  Billy held up his hand and gave her a funny little wave. ‘Bye.’ He slipped off Drew’s knee and ran inside.

  ‘Look, Simone,’ said Drew as they reached her car. ‘I’ve let you see him but I won’t ever let him out of my sight. He will not be staying with you unless I’m there. I can’t risk it.’

  Simone’s face paled. ‘But he’s mine too.’

  ‘You gave up that right, remember? I still have the letter you wrote, giving him up.’

  ‘But I didn’t sign any legal paperwork,’ she countered. ‘That letter won’t stand.’

  Drew should have kept the possessive anger from his voice but it was much too hard.

  ‘That’s why I’m going through the courts now. I want it legal and binding. You may have given birth to him but you are not his mother. We can do visitations but I will be there for every one of them.’

  ‘I won’t hurt him, Drew.’

  ‘You already have, just by being here,’ he said crossly.

  ‘You can’t keep me from him. I’m clean now. I deserve a second chance.’

  Drew scoffed; she’d already had a hundred chances. He wasn’t stupid.

  ‘I don’t care. I want the courts involved. I don’t care how high I have to go. You’d be better off just going back to your life than fighting me on this.’ Drew hoped that was enough to scare her. He knew she wouldn’t have the money to fight him, not when he had the farm. He’d sell his kidney if it meant keeping Billy.

  ‘Why are you being a bastard about this, Drew?’ Simone’s voice rose to a high pitch.

  ‘You’re the one who nearly killed him. You didn’t want him. Why are you doing this to us? Go back to the city and forget about us. It’s served you well for the last eight years.’

  ‘I sank into depression after having Billy. I missed my child. It took me a while to realise it. I admit I went off the deep end but I was trying to forget it. Trying to forget him. But I couldn’t. And I’m finally clean, finally thinking clear, and I want to know my boy.’

  ‘He’s not your boy,’ Drew growled. If he were a dog he would have his hackles raised and he’d be ready to sink his teeth into her leg.

  ‘And he’s probably not even yours either,’ spat Simone.

  Her words whipped him back like a gale-force wind. ‘What?’

  ‘You heard me. After you went back to the farm there were others. Who knew which one was really the father? But I knew you would help me out. You were always good to me back then. So I came to you, said it was yours, but I don’t really know.’

  ‘You’re fucking kidding me! Are you just being a bitch, or what?’ It couldn’t be true. Billy had his eyes – a lighter blue, but still they were similar, and his walk was the same as Drew’s. Not that that was genetics, but still.

  ‘The courts won’t let you have him if he’s not even yours. If you let me see him, then I won’t say he’s not yours,’ she said. Her dark eyes were challenging him, but was it just a bluff?

  ‘He’s mine regardless,’ he said, summoning a strength he didn’t feel. Don’t come back here unannounced or I’ll call the cops. I’ll make your life hell, Simone, so don’t push me on this.’

  ‘I want to be in my son’s life. I gave birth to him, I know he’s mine,’ she said, opening her car door and getting in. ‘I won’t give up either, Drew. You need to let me be in his life. It’s the easy option for all of us. You really want to lose your farm over this?’

  ‘Goodbye, Simone.’ Drew shoved her door closed and turned away. If she didn’t leave now, he was going to do something stupid. He clung to the side of his ute, breathing heavily and waiting as her car started and drove off. He turned to watch and make sure she left Dragon Rock for good. When there was no more dust, Drew turned around and punched the door of his old ute as hard as he could, cursing loudly enough to scare the nearby birds. Then he punched it again for good measure. The pain was sweet relief, flooding his body and momentarily voiding his brain of thought for all of two seconds. Then his knuckles began to throb and bleed where he’d split the skin.

  This was not happening.

  Simone had to be lying. Yet a small part in the back of Drew’s mind kept yelling out that it was totally possible. This was Simone, after all. She didn’t take their break-up well; she’d probably spent the month afterwards in a drug haze, sleeping with anyone who looked half inter
ested. The idea churned in his stomach and he wanted to hit something again. The crumpled door of his ute just wouldn’t do. How would he explain the big dent he’d already put there?

  Drew swore and sank down onto the ground. Tears came, not from the possible broken bones in his fist but from the tearing of his heart. Billy was his son in every way. There was no way he would give him up, even if he wasn’t his. How could Simone do this to him again? She’d thrown his life into chaos in seconds. He swiped at his face with rough hands but the tears came faster, blurring his sight. He wished his parents were here. How was he going to fight this on his own? How was he going to keep this from affecting Billy? Where the hell did he start?

  A wet tongue ran along his arm. He pulled his hands away from his face to see a blurry Turbo, who licked him again. He nudged his head in close, curious.

  Turbo glanced back to the house and Drew realised sitting here feeling sorry for himself wasn’t going to help his son. His son. As he fought back another wave of tears, he got up, using Turbo as a crutch. ‘Thanks, boy.’ Drew lifted his shirt and wiped his face. Turbo was right. Billy was inside, needing a father. And he was the man for the job, regardless of what some DNA test might say.

  Chapter 25

  DRIVING through the farm gate to return Billy after he’d spent the week with her, Nat tried to imagine how awesome it would look with Kim’s big dragon standing nearby. The sculpture was sure to attract new orders for her. Nat wondered how Kim ever found the time.

  ‘Are you excited to see Dad?’ Nat asked Billy as they drove onto the farm. He had a broad smile on his face.

  ‘Yeah! And I miss Turbo.’

  Nat drove to the shed, as Drew had suggested via text message. He was loading up the grain truck and would take Billy back out with him.

  ‘I see him, I see him!’ said Billy, pointing.

  Billy was out the door the moment she stopped the car. Drew turned off a motor, ran to Billy and flung him up into the air, then hugged him tightly. Nat found herself grinning at this reunion between father and son.

  ‘Hey,’ she said as she approached them. Drew put Billy down and Nat noticed his hand. ‘Oh my god. What happened?’ She reached for his arm but he jerked it away.