‘You said all of that stuff but I know you didn’t really mean it. You love London. You loved your job. You just lost your way a bit.’
‘Lost my way? Have you not listened to a word I’ve said?’
‘Of course I have.’
‘So what on earth would make you think I’d ever want to leave the shop and go back to exactly the same life I had before? The life I hated.’
‘You didn’t really hate it, though. You just came to your senses about that loser Jason then panicked and changed everything else.’
‘What?’
Andy wagged his finger at me. ‘I think this floristry malarkey is like a gap year for you; a chance to find yourself before you return to normality. Anyway, when you move back to London, it won’t be exactly the same. You’ll have me instead of Jason.’
I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands. ‘We split up because you put your career ahead of me. Agreed?’ I lowered my hands on the last word and looked at him.
‘You know I was under pressure from Matt.’
‘Just answer the question. Did you or did you not put your career ahead of me?’
‘Yes. I did. And I’ve said I’m sorry.’
‘And are you now telling me that you’ve changed so much that you’d never work late and that you’d always put me ahead of your career from now on?’
Andy hesitated, the smug expression finally fading. ‘Of course you’ll always come first,’ he said. ‘But my career’s really important, Sarah. You know that. I’ve come back from Dubai with a promise of a great promotion. It will mean a lot of long hours at first, but it will calm down when my boss can see I’m settling down and getting married just like he told me to.’
WHAT? ‘What did you just say?’
The expression on Andy’s face told me he’d just revealed something he hadn’t meant to. ‘I said it will calm down and we can get married. You know you’ve always wanted to get married.’
‘Not that,’ I snapped. ‘The bit about your boss.’
‘Er… You’ll love the apartment, Sarah. The kitchen’s fantastic. You’ve always said you’d like to do more cooking and you’ll be able to do loads when we entertain my boss and all our friends. They’ll be so impressed although you may have to step up the sophistication level from lasagne and shepherd’s pie. Might help you shed a bit of that lard too if you lay off the comfort food. If you’re going to be a Director’s wife, you need to look the part.’
Ouch! As I stared at Andy, I realised I didn’t know him anymore and he clearly didn’t know anything about me either. I wasn’t sure who was sat on the end of the sofa but it certainly wasn’t the Andy I’d fallen for twelve years ago. I’d really thought he was back but Clare had been right all along; it was the charm offensive and not the true Andy that had wriggled under my skin. The drunken gibbering idiot issuing orders and insulting my weight was the real Andy. He certainly wasn’t my Charlie. He wasn’t my Tim either.
‘Christ, Sarah, what’s up with you now?’ he spat. ‘You’ve got a right face on you again.’
‘I think you should leave.’ I gave him my stoniest look.
‘Why?’
‘Why?’ I was shouting but I didn’t care. ‘Because you don’t need a girlfriend. All you’re after is someone to cook for you. Call a bloody agency. And if the other thing you want is sex, call an agency for that too.’ I jumped up and opened the lounge door but he stayed exactly where he was, grinning inanely.
‘What are you wittering on about? I do want a girlfriend. I want you. Sarah. I already told you you’re the only person I’ve ever loved.’
I blanched at the use of the past tense and a reality hit me. ‘Oh my God! Loved? You don’t love me now, though, do you?’
‘I… er… I could.’
‘Andy! What the… Why did you come here?’ I shouted. ‘Why the balloon trip and the fireworks and all that other stuff if you don’t still love me?’
‘I’ll ask you the same thing. Do you love me?’ he shouted back.
‘No.’
‘Then why have you been all over me in the past few days?’
‘Why? Because I was confused by your sudden reappearance. Because I took years to get over you and I wasn’t sure whether I really had. Because I always believed we’d get back together one day. Because I wanted to believe you’d changed and it could be perfect between us again.’ Because you’re a Steven.
When Andy just stared at me, I decided to press on. ‘Given that we’ve both admitted we don’t love each other anymore, you may as well be honest about that comment about your boss. What was that all about?’
‘What comment?’
‘Don’t play with me, Andy. You owe me an explanation.’
He met my stare again.
‘Okay. You win,’ he said eventually. ‘Will you sit down first?’
I felt a bit silly standing in the open doorway but I couldn’t bear to be close to him so I sat down on the armchair instead. ‘Go on. This had better be good.’
Andy picked up my empty glass and, frowning, put it down again. I wasn’t going to offer him a top-up. He ran his fingers through his hair and stared into the fire for an excruciating minute or so.
‘I told you I had a light-bulb moment after the barbeque in July. I did. But not the one I described. I don’t know if you remember, but I work for a Japanese firm where the top guys have very strong family values that their senior team must uphold. To become a Director, they expect you to be married with kids in private school and living in a nice property. At the barbeque a few comments were made that left me with no doubt that, if I didn’t get married soon, I wouldn’t be promoted any further.’
I shook my head. ‘Please tell me you’re kidding.’
He looked at me and shrugged. ‘I know. It’s a bit primitive, but it’s their culture and I need to embrace it if I want to be a Director and earn the really big salary.’
‘Not about that. I meant please tell me that you’re kidding me about that being the reason you came here and messed up my life all over again.’
‘You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I haven’t found anyone since who I can bear to be around for longer than a few months. I don’t have time to keep looking. I’ve never got bored in your company so I thought we could make it work. I thought I might have a struggle if you were still with Jason, but when I found you here working in a shop, I thought it would be easy.’
‘You thought wrong.’ I shook my head. ‘I didn’t think you could stoop much lower than that day on your office steps, but you’ve just found a whole new level. Trying to win me back just to secure a promotion and a bigger salary? You really think a relationship could work on that basis?’
He nodded vigorously. ‘With the right person.’
‘And I suppose I’m that person?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then you’re deluded. You really think I’d be with you for those reasons? If I get married, it will be out of love, not to secure a bigger pay packet. Seriously, Andy, what sort of person do you think I am?’
He just stared at me blankly.
‘I think it’s time for you to leave now.’
‘You can’t mean that. Not after all the effort I’ve put in to win you back. My boss has spent a fortune on you, you ungrateful—’
‘Your boss paid?
Andy wouldn’t catch my eye. ‘No. I did. I didn’t mention my boss. It was me. My money.’
Another piece of the jigsaw slotted into place. If his boss had organised and paid for it, it would explain a lot of things like how he’d managed to secure Castle Howard on Boxing Day and fireworks over the Castle. His boss would have the influence and connections to have pulled in favours like that. Why would his boss do it, though? It still didn’t make sense.
‘To be honest, Andy. I don’t really care who paid. Even if it
was you, you need to understand that I didn’t ask you to do any of it. You chose those things. I wasn’t holding a gun to your head.’
‘But I wouldn’t have got your interest without it, would I?’
‘You would. Don’t get me wrong; all those things were amazing. But they were only amazing because I seemed to be experiencing them with the old Andy. But he’s long-gone isn’t he? Which means any chance of us trying again is also long-gone.’
Andy looked pale. For a fleeting moment, I thought he was genuinely gutted that he’d blown it with me because he really did care. But then he ruined it. ‘What am I going to tell my boss?’
‘About what? What is it with you and him?’
‘Didn’t you wonder how I’ve managed to get all this time off work?’
I shrugged. ‘Not really. It’s the Christmas holidays. I assumed you were on annual leave.’
‘I might have told my boss that you were already my girlfriend, but you weren’t happy that I’d stayed in Dubai so long so you’d threatened to leave me and I needed to spend a lot of time with you.’
‘Might have?’
He nodded. ‘And I might have said a grand gesture was needed to make it up to you.’
‘Like a balloon flight?’
He nodded again. ‘And I might have said I was going to propose to you on the balloon so we’d need it to ourselves. He’s all about family and he felt really guilty that posting me to Dubai could have split us up so he organised the venue.’
I covered my eyes. ‘All these lies, Andy. What happened to you? You never used to lie and now it seems you do it as easily as breathing.’ I took my hands away and looked at him. ‘I’m done talking now. We could sit here and talk all night and I don’t think I’ll ever understand what has happened this week or why you’ve done this to me. Or to your poor boss.’
He narrowed his eyes and shrugged. ‘What do you want me to say?’
‘How about, “I’m sorry, Sarah, for being a lying little shit. I’m sorry, Sarah, for coming back into your life without warning and getting you to split up with an absolutely amazing man to see if we could make it work again. I’m sorry, Sarah, for insulting your shop, your home, and your life. I’m sorry, Sarah, for being an ignorant, arrogant, self-centred lying pig”.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘You could try to sound like you mean it. It’s time you left now.’
He got to his feet, wobbling a little unsteadily, then looked at me so coldly that a shiver ran down my spine. ‘I’ll go, but answer me one thing first. I still don’t get it. Why would you throw away a great career, an exciting life in the city, and a chance to be with me for… for… this.’
‘You’ve just answered your own question, Andy. You just don’t get it. And that’s the reason why I choose all this over you. You don’t get it. You don’t get me. We don’t get each other. It’s over. Forever.’
The coldness in his eyes seemed to drop a few more degrees. ‘You say I’ve changed but you’ve changed too. I’m not sure I know you anymore either.’
‘Fine. That makes us quits. And you can have these back.’ I swiftly removed my new earrings then reached round and unclasped my necklace. I dropped them and the case into the bag and handed it to him.
He narrowed his eyes. ‘You know that photo of you that I said I kept in my wallet? I found it at the bottom of a crate when I was packing, discarded and forgotten. You’re not all that special, you know. You’ve really let yourself go. I’m not sure I want a fat girlfriend showing me up. I hope your business fails.’
‘And I hope you never get promoted. Get out!’ I picked up his shoes and socks and shoved them into his arms then stormed towards the front door. I yanked it open. ‘I’m waiting.’
When I slammed the front door behind him a few moments later, I let out a shuddery deep breath and prepared myself for the floodgates to open. But they didn’t. I was still shaking from the confrontation but the only feeling I had was relief, incredible relief. Eight years of wondering what if? had finally reached a conclusion. Our time had been when we were at university and I’d been foolish to think that, with so much happening in both our lives, we could ever be those same people again. Andy was right; I had changed. Unlike him, it was hopefully for the better. He may have the right middle name but he wasn’t The Steven. I knew who was, though. I picked up my phone to reply to Nick’s text but spotted a message from Auntie Kay.
* Auntie Kay
I knew it! I knew Nick was your Charlie! I’m beside myself with excitement. Go get him!
* To Auntie Kay
I will. But first I really need some sleep. It’s been a tough week xx
And now for my reply to Nick. I just hoped it would work…
* To Nick
Andy’s gone. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Hope we can stay friends and maybe go out for a drink soon xx
Chapter 35
Elise was waiting outside the shop for me on Monday morning. Mum had plans so she’d kindly offered to cover her shift seeing as it was school holidays and, in true Elise style, she was up to date with her planning and prep-work. She glanced at her watch as I fumbled with my keys in the door. ‘Cutting it a bit fine this morning, aren’t we?’ It was two minutes until opening time.
‘Don’t,’ I mumbled. I felt stressed enough about being late without anyone commenting on it. ‘It’s been a long night. I slept through the alarm.’
Getting the door open at last, I flipped the sign round to open, dumped my bag on the counter, pressed the switch on my computer, and headed into The Outback to get the float for the till. ‘Can you watch things? I’ll just be a minute.’
‘Sure,’ Elise said.
From The Outback, I heard a familiar tune. ‘Your mobile’s ringing,’ Elise shouted.
‘Can you get it?’ I shouted back. ‘It’s in the front of my bag.’
There was a short pause. ‘Do I have to? It’s Clare.’
I tutted. ‘Can you answer it and tell her I’ll call her back in five?’
As I unlocked the safe, I tuned into Elise’s side of the conversation.
‘Hi Clare. It’s Elise.’ I could just imagine Clare saying, ‘Why will you be answering Sarah’s phone just now?’ Sure enough…
‘Her mum’s got something on… She’s running late. She’s out the back getting the float sorted and asked me to answer it… No, she was alone… I don’t know. I’ve barely said hello… Neither. She just seemed a bit stressed… I don’t know. She had gloves on but that wasn’t the face of someone who’s just got engaged… That’s not very nice… What sort of news?… Who?… Hang on, let me get a pen… Are you sure?… Okay. Bye.’
‘What did she want?’ I put the tray in the till and pressed a few buttons.
‘She asked if you were sporting a huge diamond engagement ring or anything stupid like that. Her words, not mine. I said you had gloves on but you didn’t look like someone who’d just got engaged and she said that was a relief because she had some bad news about Andy.’
‘What sort of news?’
‘She said she’d rather not say too much as she wanted you to come to your own conclusions but you have to log onto Wordpress and look up the homepage of someone called Matt Amos or Adis or something like that.’
I stopped what I was doing. ‘Matt Avis?’
‘That’s him. Who’s he?’
‘We were at uni with him. He’s the one who was bullying Andy. Did she say anything else?’
‘She just said to call her when you’d looked him up. Any idea what that’s all about?’
I shrugged. ‘Sounds intriguing. You couldn’t be a love and put the kettle on while I log on?’
Five minutes later, Elise reappeared with two mugs of tea just as I’d tracked down a blog registered to Matt. I clicked through to it and we both stared at the screen.
> Hello and a huge welcome to my blog. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
When I left college, I went to Manchester University to study Business with Economics, a move which shaped my life. Part-way through the first term of my first year, I was feeling pretty low when I realised that the girl I’d fallen for had fallen for my best friend. I reacted really badly. I was angry with everyone and everything and started drinking heavily. I’d never experienced feelings like it before and I didn’t recognise myself. I saw a flier for a support group and decided to give it a try. It turned out to be a Christian support group.
I’d never really thought about religion before, but it turned out to be the answer for me. I finished my degree and asked God what to do next. He presented an opportunity to join a Christian organisation called Reach2U.
Reach2U quite literally reach out to communities in undeveloped countries, providing them with whatever support they may need — teaching children, educating adults about health or family planning, nursing the elderly and sick or practical activities like building schools/hospitals/community centres.
I travelled to Uganda where I spent six months teaching in a small but developed village where Reach2U have worked for many years, then I joined a project building a school in a new community. It was the most rewarding and fulfilling year of my life. When God presented a further opportunity to lead a project in Malawi, I jumped at it. I’m now Director of African Operations, identifying communities who would benefit from our support and allocating resources to help make a difference. If anyone would like to support the work of Reach2U, either financially or through joining us overseas, my contact details and Reach2U’s website are below. Alternatively, your prayers are always gratefully received.
I regularly post about our work and really appreciate the support and prayers from my followers. I’d love it if you’d become one too.
God bless. Matt
‘He lied,’ I said. ‘The piece of shit lied about that too.’
Searching for Steven (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 1) Page 29
