‘They do when they’ve just been through what you’ve been through. Come here.’ I put my arms round him. He clung onto me as he silently sobbed for a friend, husband, and father taken away far too soon.
‘Sorry, Sarah’ he whispered into my hair. ‘I’ve managed to hold it together so far. I needed to for Lisa.’ He pulled away. I passed him a tissue out of my bag, which he took gratefully. ‘Sorry,’ he said again.
‘Don’t be.’ I wiped at my own tears. ‘I’m crying and I didn’t even know him. I can’t imagine what you and Lisa must have gone through these last few weeks. You must be an emotional wreck.’
‘I am.’
‘Don’t punish yourself for the missing years, Nick. Your best friend ran off with your fiancée the day before your wedding. I don’t know anyone who could forgive and forget in those circumstances. Don’t think about the time lost. Remember instead that you spent lots of time with him at the end. He died knowing his best friend had forgiven him.’ Another tear slipped down my cheek at that point and Nick gently wiped it away.
‘What a pair we are,’ he said.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
Nick took a sip of his drink then shook his head. ‘I don’t think I’m strong enough right now. Do you mind?’
‘Not at all. What do you want to talk about?’
‘You. How’s the shop going?’
‘Couldn’t be better.’ I smiled brightly as a rush of pride hit me. ‘I’ve got a new team who are great. I did my first wedding today and I’ve got a stack of bookings across the year. I won the contract at The Ramparts. Did Skye tell you?’
‘She’s phoned a few times but I’ve been avoiding everyone while I focused on Alex.’ Nick squeezed my hand. ‘I’m so pleased for you, Sarah. I knew you’d get it.’
‘Thank you.’ A slightly awkward silence descended on us. Why hadn’t he acknowledged that I was single again? Maybe he was waiting for me to mention it. Then I felt a wave of guilt. He’d just lost his best friend. Re-kindling a relationship with me would be the furthest thing from his mind. He needed a friend. I should just be that friend and stop thinking about anything else.
‘Is your mum still working with you?’ he asked.
‘Just the odd hour or so when I’m short but my new team seem pretty reliable.’
‘Sounds like everything’s clicked into place for you.’
Not quite everything. I knew it was selfish of me after everything he’d been through but seeing him again and holding him as he sobbed had sent my emotions into overdrive. I loved him so madly, so deeply that I couldn’t help myself. I longed to hear that there was still a chance for us. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. Just like Auntie Kay said, there was no doubting that he was my Charlie.
‘And how’s your Auntie Kay?’
Could he read my mind? Did he know I was thinking about Auntie Kay. Oh God! This is agony. You’re my soulmate, Nick. We should be together. But, of course, I just politely answered his question. ‘Having the time of her life. They’ve toured America, Canada, and Australia. They fly to New Zealand next week.’
‘Sounds exciting.’ Silence. The elephant in the room was so big I could almost hear it trumpeting! I stared at Nick, hoping he’d say something. I couldn’t be the first to speak. I didn’t want him to think I was selfish by only thinking about me and what I wanted.
Nick downed the final third of his pint in one. ‘Another drink?’ he asked.
I pointed to my full glass. ‘I’m alright, thanks.’
‘You don’t mind if I get another…’
‘No. Go ahead.’ I watched him head for the bar with a sinking heart. It wasn’t going well.
My mobile buzzed and I fished it out of my bag.
* From Stevie
Hope you don’t mind my little set up. Someone had to take action and I knew you wouldn’t be brave enough to make the first move & let him know how you feel. So here’s your chance. You two are made for each other. Anyone can see that. Call me tomorrow with good news xxxxxxx
I looked towards Nick leaning against the bar. Stevie was right. I wasn’t brave enough but I needed to be. I’d felt brave that day at Lighthouse Point but that was over two months ago. So much had happened since then. What would I say? Should I just come out with it? ‘Nick, you do know Andy’s gone, don’t you?’ But what if he said, ‘Yeah. So?’ It would kill me. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put myself out there for rejection like that.
I took a large gulp of wine. But what if he wasn’t feeling brave either? He really put himself out there by telling me how he felt when we split up. He made it pretty clear then that he wouldn’t chase me but he’d be waiting for me. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to say anything in case I rejected him again. After what he’d been through with Alex and Lisa, he must be so fragile right now that there was no way he’d risk adding more hurt.
Lisa seemed to think he still cared and we should be together. She said that stuff about life being too short… Well, she’d experienced it herself hadn’t she?
But what if the timing was completely inappropriate. He’d just lost his best friend. Surely me wanting answers about a future together was selfish. But what if a relationship with me was exactly what he needed to help him get through this? It was tough facing these things alone.
I glugged on my wine again, my stomach churning. I don’t think I’d ever felt more afraid or out of my depth in how to handle a situation correctly. What was more frightening? Potentially making a fool of myself in front of Nick or letting him walk out of my life yet again? It wasn’t a hard question.
Nick headed back from the bar. I needed to be brave. ‘You do know I sent Andy packing, don’t you?’ That would be a good start.
I noticed his pint was already half empty. His face bore a deep frown. He sat down and looked at the floor. ‘So,’ he said, before I had a chance to speak, ‘how’s it going with Andy?’
What? ‘Andy?’
‘Your ex. The one who… I’m assuming you’re still together.’
‘I sent him packing before New Year.’
Nick looked up, an expression of hope on his face. ‘New Year? Why didn’t you get in touch with…?’ The hope faded and he looked away again. ‘Oh. Because you didn’t want to get back with me, of course. This must be what it feels like to be Callie, not engaging brain before mouth.’ He took another swig of his drink. ‘I’d better go.’ He stood up but I grabbed his arm.
‘Please don’t leave me again,’ I begged, tugging his arm to make him sit again. ‘I did get in touch, Nick. After Callie came into the shop, you texted me to say you missed me and I replied telling you Andy had gone. I put it on Facebook too. Several times.’
‘I’ve barely glanced at Facebook since hearing about Alex and the last text I had from you told me that things were great between you two.’
‘What? I never…’ I fished my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through the sent items. ‘Here, read this.’
‘“Andy’s good. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Hope we can stay friends and maybe go out for a drink soon”.’
I grabbed the phone off him and scowled at the text. ‘No! That should read, “Andy’s gone”. Damn ancient phone and stupid bloody predictive text.’ I slammed my phone onto the table. ‘Did you really think I’d send you a message gloating that my relationship was great? That would be nasty.’
Nick shrugged. ‘Everything else was crap so it just struck me as another thing to add to the pile. Why didn’t you text again when I didn’t respond?’
I twisted a curl of hair round my finger. ‘Elise and I thought you were seeing someone else.’
‘No! Who?’
‘Lisa.’
‘Why would you think that?’
‘I realised that I’d made a mistake with Andy and got Elise to drive me to your house
so I could tell you how I really felt about you but Lisa came out although, of course, I didn’t know who she was at the time. You had your dressing gown on and you hugged and kissed her so we put two and two together and…’
‘And you thought I was sleeping with her?’
I covered my eyes, cringing. ‘Something like that. Everything like that. Elise kept spotting the two of you together, but Mum and Clare convinced me I should fight for you so I came to Lighthouse Point on New Year’s Day to tell you how I felt but Lisa was there too. It looked like you were kissing so we left and…’
Nick laughed and lifted my hands away from my eyes. Still holding them in his, he said gently, ‘Back up a bit. You said you were coming to tell me how you really felt? You already know how I feel about you. Those feelings haven’t changed. If it’s possible, they’ve got even stronger. What were you going to tell me?’
Be brave! Say it! ‘That you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.’
Nick took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment as if absorbing this unexpected piece of information. ‘It’s definitely over with Andy?’
‘Definitely. It never really started. It was a huge mistake. He…’
‘You don’t have to explain,’ Nick said. ‘All I need to know is that he’s gone and he won’t be back.’
‘He’s gone and I’ve told him I never want to hear from him again.’
‘And Steven?’
I smiled. ‘That’s over too. I took my profile off the website on New Year’s Eve.’
‘I know I should just shut up and kiss you but I’m a bit emotionally delicate right now as you’ve seen. I have to be sure that I’m not going to lose you next time a Steven walks into the shop.’
‘You won’t.’
‘How can you be sure? I know spending time with Andy was partly a decade-long belief that he was The One, but we both know that his middle name being Steven was a bigger pull. You seemed to really believe that tape. What’s changed?’
I studied the face I loved so much. He was so right to challenge me. I’d been stupid and careless with his feelings and I deserved to work hard to get him back. ‘Nothing’s changed,’ I said. ‘I still believe the tape. In fact, I believe it more than ever now except for one key detail. Madame Louisa got the name wrong. I think you’re Steven.’
Nick raised an eyebrow. ‘Because Nick and Steven sound so similar?’
‘Ha ha. Very funny. No. I just think she gave the wrong name because everything else has happened exactly as she predicted. She said I’d have to decide between the past and the present and I should follow my heart not my head which is exactly what happened with you, isn’t it?’
‘I can’t say I’m following you, but even if you’re convinced that I’m Steven and she gave you the wrong name, how do I know you won’t change your mind again if some attractive bloke called Steven appears in the future?’
‘Because I choose you, Nick. With or without the tape, I choose you. Over Andy. Over Steven. Over anyone I’ve ever known or will ever know. I love you, Nick. I don’t know what else I can say to convince you.’
Nick smiled. ‘Say it again.’
‘Which part?’
‘The last part.’
‘I love you.’
Nick grinned. ‘You’ve never said that before. You’re really sure your search for Steven is over…?’
‘I’m sure. Now what was that you were saying about shutting up and kissing me?’
Chapter 39
Three months later
* From Auntie Kay
Happy moving in day! My favourite niece and my favourite customer… couldn’t be happier for you both :) xxx
‘Could you use an extra pair of hands?’ Elise said when I opened the door.
‘I thought you’d been summoned to the mother-in-law’s for Sunday lunch.’
‘I was but I put my foot down. Given what we found last time I helped you move, I had to help again to see if we could top that.’
I ushered her inside. ‘Don’t remind me. If anything else from my past re-appears, I’ll swear I’m being haunted. Are you feeling brave?’ I led her to the dining room.
‘Why? Have you got your pet dragon chained up in there?’
‘Worse. You know how we both like things to be really organised and have paperwork filed neatly away? Imagine the exact opposite.’ Cringing, I opened the door wide.
Elise gasped. ‘Sarah Peterson! I think you’ve been burgled.’ There wasn’t an inch of wood showing on the dining table through a sea of paperwork, post and folders. More piles sprouted on the chairs and the floor. We looked at each other and started laughing.
‘I warned you,’ I said. ‘I know it’s really unlike me. I hate it. If I kept the door shut, I could just about ignore it.’
‘Just think how satisfied you’ll feel when it’s all done, though. How do you want to do this?’
We worked for about half an hour, singing along to an Abba CD, with just the odd question from Elise clarifying what to keep or recycle. With my end of the table starting to look clearer, I pulled out one of the chairs. I must have tugged it a bit hard as a bright pink cardboard folder fell to the floor, spilling its contents. Ignoring Elise laughing at me, I bent down to retrieve everything, but started laughing too as I realised what I’d dropped.
‘What is it?’ Elise asked.
‘Remember when I was emailing three Stevens before Christmas? I was struggling to keep track of who was who and what I’d told them so I made these little mind maps.’ I held one up to show her.
‘You won’t be needing those any more, will you?’
‘No, thank goodness. Recycling.’ I added the papers to the growing pile. As I reached to put the cardboard folder into a crate of stationery, I felt something still inside it. I peered inside. ‘How the hell…?’
‘What’s up?’
‘The tape’s in here. Madame Louisa’s tape.’
‘Where was it meant to be?’
‘In the cassette player in the lounge. I swear I’ve never taken it out of there since I moved in.’
Elise did a little shiver. ‘Ooh, goose bump moment. That’s just like you suddenly finding it in your Treasures Box last time.’
I took the tape out and stared at it thoughtfully. ‘Do you think we should listen to it again?’
Elise put down the papers she’d been sorting through. ‘Is that a good idea? Won’t it stir up the whole searching for Steven thing again?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think so. Nick’s The One and I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. I was just wondering if we’ve missed something on the tape.’
‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know but there’s only one way to find out.’
Giggling like schoolgirls, we raced to the lounge. Elise hurled herself onto the sofa. I put the tape in the stereo then curled up on the armchair next to it.
‘It started with the tape. It seems fitting to end my little journey with it too.’ I pressed play.
We listened in silence until we arrived at the key question:
‘Will I ever get married? All I’ve ever wanted to do is get married.’
Next came the prediction about Steven and the crossroads choice leading to the true Steven.
‘Surely there’s something else you can tell me about Steven,’ [I said on the tape.] ‘How will I know it’s him? Steven’s a common name.’
‘The name isn’t that important. Your grandma says you’ll just know he’s The One. I’m going to…’
I sat upright and stopped the tape. ‘Did you hear that?’ Before Elise had a chance to answer, I rewound it and listened again.
‘… know it’s him? Steven’s a common name.’
‘The name isn’t that important. Your grandma says you’ll just know he’s The One
. I’m…’
I stopped the tape again. ‘The name isn’t that important. The name isn’t that important,’ I repeated. ‘I’ve never noticed that bit before. Have you?’
‘I can’t remember. Possibly. I think I was more excited about the Steven thing and wasn’t concentrating.’
‘What do you think it means? Do you think Madame Louisa was trying to tell me that the man of my dreams might not be called Steven after all? Surely not! I can’t have gone through with the search for Steven for nothing!’ Thoughts of my various encounters raced through my mind. I could have avoided all that!
‘You could certainly take it that way,’ Elise said. ‘But your search wasn’t a waste. It helped you realise that Nick was The One. It helped you finally get Andy out of your system. Plus, you wouldn’t have met Stevie. Now that I’ve finally been introduced to him, I can see why you two became such good friends. He’s a lovely guy.’
‘True.’ I smiled. ‘Stevie does cancel out the other rubbish stuff. I wonder if we’ve missed anything else.’ I pressed play again.
‘…I’m going to give you this tape and I suggest you put it somewhere safe and listen to it on your own in a week or so when you can really think about what I’ve said. Or perhaps when you hit your crossroads and it finds its way back into your life.’
Madame Louisa talked about the bracelet then the message from Uncle Alan. There were the familiar sounds of movement as I headed towards the door, the point at which I usually pressed stop. I reached out.
‘Wait,’ Elise said. ‘Let it run for a bit longer. What if there’s something else that we’ve missed by pressing stop too soon?’
‘Good thinking.’ I retracted my hand and listened to static on the tape. I jumped when I heard Madame Louisa’s voice again.
‘Oh, Sarah, I can tell you something else about Steven.’
Searching for Steven (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 1) Page 32
