Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  She looks good, considering what she’s been through. Her hair is shorter, cut in a bob style that brushes over her shoulders, and her dark eyes are clear. All that gives me pause is her hesitant expression.

  “Nikki.” She says my name in a soft voice. “They told me you were out here. I was going to take the bus home.”

  I stand and approach her, hoping she means it, that she really intended to go home. “Now you don’t have to.”

  With the receptionist watching us curiously from behind a glass partition, I give my sister a hug and try not to feel insulted when it takes her a moment to return it.

  “How’s Langley?” she asks.

  “She’s good, but she misses you.”

  Renee nods and blinks a few times as if holding back tears. “How did you know I was here?”

  “A private detective found you.”

  Her eyes widen slightly at that news.

  “I wish you’d told me yourself. I kept calling you. I left you so many messages.”

  “I know. I got them. I lost most of my things, but my phone was tucked into my bra.” She shrugs, looking embarrassed. “Thank you for those messages. Every morning, I’d wake up and wonder how I was going to get through the day. Then I’d listen to one of your messages, and somehow I managed to get up and go to my therapy sessions.”

  I’m glad she heard them and that they helped her, but it isn’t easy to learn how hard her days were here.

  “The doctors say you did really well here. You just have to continue with outpatient therapy. I can help you get that arranged, if you want.”

  She nods and I can read the uncertainty on her face. I glance at the nosy receptionist as I reach out to take Renee’s bag from her.

  “Come on. Let’s go get something to eat before we start the ride home.”

  What I really want is a chance to talk to Renee before we get back to the house and everything we say can be overheard by Langley. I don’t want to upset Renee, but there are questions I can’t ask with my niece around.

  We end up at a diner a few miles from the rehab center. I order some coffee and toast, but Renee only gets a diet soda and says she isn’t hungry. As I watch her, I wonder about her state of mind and how fragile it may be. Keeping things light won’t be easy with all the questions I have gnawing away at me.

  Before I can say anything, she asks, “How are things at the company?”

  Her tone is neutral, as if she has no idea leaving Langley with me for over a month may have affected my life in any way.

  “I haven’t been able to get to rehearsals in a while.”

  She nods distractedly but after a moment, understanding dawns in her eyes. “Because of me.”

  “How long did you plan to be gone for when you invited me down for the weekend?”

  Her lips twist as her gaze jerks away from mine. She doesn’t want to answer, and I can’t help the frustration that burns in my chest.

  “Renee?”

  “Yes,” she says quietly. “I mean no, not this long. Just a week, like I said.”

  “If you needed to get away, you could have asked me to watch Langley for a week.”

  She snorts. “Like you’d agree to that?”

  My face falls because she’s right. I wouldn’t have said yes with what I knew then, but if she’d been honest with me, I would have figured out a way to do it. I would have wanted to help her if I could.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I had no choice.” Her fingers grip the straw in her soda, mangling the top. “The day I heard your message about Ben, I picked up my tray of food in the cafeteria and threw it against the wall. Then I picked up the girl’s next to me and threw it. I kept picking up trays and hurling them until they had to sedate me.”

  Renee shakes her head and sits back in the booth. “I can’t believe Ben would do that. I thought I was losing my mind. I don’t know if I really believed it was Dad. I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. But day after day, he was standing in those woods, wearing that jacket. Did you see it?”

  I nod. “Dad’s army jacket.”

  “Then the envelope came. It had a picture of Dad in it. I thought he was sending me a message. I thought he’d come back.” She leans forward and grips my arm across the table. “You understand why I had to go, don’t you? I was never able to stand up to him. I didn’t know why he was out there or what he wanted, but I knew there was only one person I trusted to protect my daughter. It had to be you, Nikki. You saved me from him when we were kids, and I knew you’d protect Langley too, better than I could.”

  Her fingers press into my skin and my heart picks up speed. “Protect her from Dad?”

  Renee nods as her cheeks fill with color. She releases me and draws her arm back against her body.

  This is the closest Renee has ever come to acknowledging that she understands what I did and why. But she didn’t only acknowledge it, she said I saved her. Thoughts rush at me all at once and I’m swamped by emotions. It’s true that I stopped what was happening, but I didn’t save her. I was too late.

  My eyes well up and I clench my jaw to hold back the tears. My show of emotion seems to surprise her. She nods her head in acknowledgment, but the movement is jerky and self-conscious. We don’t do this, speak openly and revisit old wounds.

  While the dust settles, we sit together in silence. I nurse my coffee and push my toast around the plate for a little while before I dare to ask the question I’m most curious about.

  “Would you like to tell me about Ben?”

  She glances up from her drink with wary eyes. “If you spoke to him, you know the story. I met him when I went to talk to Dad.”

  I did already know that, but hearing Renee say it so casually, as if it were a perfectly fine thing to do, hits me harder than I thought it would.

  Her eyes narrow. “Don’t look at me like that, Nikki. You cut people out of your life and never look back. I can’t do that so easily.”

  “You think that was easy for me?”

  “You made it look easy.”

  A lump rises in my throat. “It wasn’t. But I couldn’t feel that much hurt anymore, not for two people who didn’t care a thing about me. I made up my mind to stop feeling. For a long time, I didn’t feel anything at all.”

  My superpower, I think, wondering how I could call it that. There was nothing super about it. Having the ability to make people believe you don’t care about them is tragic.

  I did it with Renee every time she shut me out. I did it with our mother, and I’ve done it with nearly every guy I’ve ever been with, except for Cole.

  From the start, my feelings for him were too intense to hide, and I didn’t want to hide them because Cole isn’t like anyone else. I trust him not to hurt me. He’d hurt himself before he’d ever hurt me. To maintain ties with someone who only hurts me is masochistic. It makes no sense, even if she is my mother.

  “I went to see Mom when I was looking for you,” I say quietly.

  Renee’s focus intensifies. “How did it go?”

  “Not well.” I laugh bitterly at the understatement. “She’s a toxic person. She and Dad both were. I won’t be seeing her again.”

  Renee shakes her head in disapproval. “I couldn’t do that, cut my own mother out of my life, decide she doesn’t exist anymore. I couldn’t do it with Dad either.”

  I purse my lips together so I won’t say what I’m thinking.

  “He was our father,” she says, reading my reaction.

  He was a monster.

  I wrench my gaze away and take a giant mental step back in an attempt to stay calm and rational. This is the part of her I can’t understand, the part I’ll always be at odds with, but antagonizing her isn’t what I want. I want Renee to talk to me. I want her to trust me again.

  “Did you care about Ben?” I ask after a moment, looking at her again, using a purposely sympathetic tone. “I can’t imagine how hard that time must have been for you.”

  Her shoulders relax a
nd she expels a heavy breath. “It was more than hard. It was devastating. Ben was kind to me. At least, he started off that way.”

  “Did he know about Dad?”

  Renee looks at me like I’m crazy. “Everyone knew, Nikki. They all heard, including him.”

  My chest aches. Everyone knew. Because of me, everyone knew what he did.

  She goes back to bending her straw. “When I found out I was pregnant, Ben told me to get an abortion. When I said I wouldn’t, he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or a baby. He said if I told Dad or his mother, he’d deny we were ever together, and everyone would believe him because I was known for lying and making false accusations.”

  My jaw drops. When he explained himself to me, Ben left out the part where he threatened Renee.

  “He wants to see Langley,” I say, hearing the edge in my voice.

  “He can’t. I won’t let him near her.” Renee releases her straw and sits back in the booth.

  “He could get a lawyer.”

  “Let him. We can talk about the eight years of child support he owes me.”

  “You should get a lawyer too. If he tries to force your hand, you have to fight him. I can’t imagine exposing Langley to him.”

  “Neither can I.”

  She reaches for a napkin, and I realize her eyes are filling with tears. When I see them, I feel like crying too. Thinking back to that time, I wonder how Renee went through this alone, and I reach out for her hand so she’ll know she’s not alone now.

  After a moment, she accepts my gesture, laying her palm over mine and squeezing my fingers.

  “Where’s Langley while you’re here with me?” Renee asks, taking her hand back so she can dab at her wet cheeks.

  “Your neighbor’s looking after her.” I watch for her reaction.

  She gives me a searching look. “Cole?”

  I nod.

  “You met Cole,” she says as she reaches for her straw and begins mangling it again. “What do you think of him?”

  “He’s nice,” I reply carefully.

  “Nice? It was like I won the neighbor lottery when he moved in.”

  I smile when she does.

  “Did he tell you we were seeing each other?”

  “He mentioned it.”

  She releases a breathy laugh. “Only mentioned it? He was being discreet. He’s a gentleman.” She clears her throat and glances up at me. “He’s the type of man I should be with. Responsible and caring. Have you met his son? He adores Derek.”

  “He’s a good father.”

  “The kind of father Langley deserves.”

  Unease settles over me.

  “We talked about mending personal relationships in our group sessions, and when I get home, things have to change. I have so much to make up to Langley. You too, Nikki. I want to work on our relationship.”

  “So do I.” I smile hopefully as a lump grows in my throat.

  “And I have to talk to Cole. I thought about him a lot while I was in there. I realized so many things.” She averts her gaze and her face flushes slightly. “I was falling in love with him, Nikki, but then I got scared and pushed him away.”

  My unease turns to panic. “Do you think he feels the same way?”

  “I do.” She smiles, and it’s the first real smile that’s crossed her lips since I picked her up.

  My stomach plummets. I feel like I’m falling down a long, dark tunnel. A voice inside me says that I have no one to blame but myself. I knew this was a possibility, more than a possibility, but I silenced that voice because I didn’t want to hear it.

  The waitress appears and asks if I’d like more coffee. I shake my head because I’m trying to keep the coffee I already drank from making a reappearance.

  “Are you okay?” Renee asks, studying my expression.

  I nod and make sure to smile despite how stiff and phony it feels on my face.

  “We should get going,” I say. Then I pay the bill and together we walk out to the car, even though I hardly register the steps I take.

  When I automatically walk to the driver’s side, Renee says she misses driving and wants to drive the rest of the way home. I hold out the keys and watch her hand tremble as she takes them from me. When she sees me notice, she fists her fingers around the key chain.

  “I’m nervous,” she admits. “What if Langley hates me for leaving?”

  Her jitters are so apparent, I push away thoughts of myself.

  “She doesn’t hate you. She loves you.”

  Renee smiles gratefully before she opens the car door, and sympathy for her has me putting aside the things she said about Cole. She’s apprehensive and uncertain. Once she settles in, the things she believes now may change.

  It’s selfish of me to make my relationship with Cole the focal point of her return when it means so much more. I have hope for us for the first time in a long time, and I have hope for her. As hard as the past month has been for Renee, maybe she needed it to happen so she could let go of the past and make a fresh start.

  During the ride home, she tells me about her dream of opening her own dance studio. It’s a nice dream. She’s never had goals like that before or planned for the future. I take it as a good sign.

  As we get closer to the house, she becomes fidgety, changing the radio station constantly and pulling on her seat belt as if it’s too tight. I can feel the nerves coming off her.

  It’s after dusk when we finally pull into the driveway. The house is dark.

  “Cole probably brought Langley over to his house,” I say. “I can go get her if you want to settle in.”

  It would be better if I went over there to get Langley alone. I’m worried that when Renee sees Cole, she’ll do or say something to embarrass herself. If she does, I’m afraid of how he will react. Even more, I worry that she’ll see something pass between Cole and me that will give away our feelings.

  She turns to me. “Are you kidding? I haven’t seen my daughter in over a month. I’m coming with you.”

  We walk across the grass to Cole’s house together, Renee bristling with nerves and me feeling much the same way.

  Renee climbs the steps to the front door first and rings the bell. When the door opens, Cole looks at her briefly before his eyes scan behind her and fall on me. Once I smile, he does too and focuses on Renee again.

  “Welcome back.”

  “Thanks.” She grins a little shyly and leans up to kiss him on the cheek in a way I don’t think he’s expecting. “Is Langley here?”

  Cole nods and pulls the door open wider. We agreed he wouldn’t tell Langley anything until Renee got here, just in case something happened, like Renee decided she didn’t want to come home.

  “Everything go okay?” Cole asks me softly as I follow Renee inside.

  When he moves to put his hand on my back, I step away from his touch and nod, hoping he’ll understand.

  The sound of Langley yelling “Mom!” comes to us from the other room.

  I walk in just in time to see Renee fall to her knees and fold her daughter in her arms. My throat grows tight as I stand there and watch their reunion. I can feel Cole staring at my back, and I can’t resist the urge to turn to meet his gaze. When our eyes clash, he pins me with a curious, probing look.

  Renee is too wrapped up in Langley to pay attention to us, and I reach out to squeeze his hand.

  “We’ll talk later, okay?”

  He nods but his expression remains unsure. I swallow thickly and avert my gaze before he sees the tears that are forming.

  “Where were you?” Langley asks Renee.

  Renee smiles sadly and explains she was tired and went somewhere to rest. I’m not sure if Langley believes her, but only Langley’s wary eyes give her away. Her bright smile indicates she’s too happy to question her mother right now.

  “Let’s go home, baby. Okay?” Renee says, placing her hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

  Langley turns her smile to me, showing me her happiness, and
I grin back with my heart full of joy for her.

  As a group, we offer our good-byes.

  “Thank you so much, Cole,” Renee says. “I hear you’ve been a big help.” She pulls him into a tight hug and when she releases him, his brows go up and he slants a look at me.

  I avert my gaze and follow Langley out the door. Later, once everyone is asleep, I’ll talk to Cole and we can figure things out together.

  When Renee walks into her house, she stops only a few feet in. “What is that?”

  “That’s Siegfried,” Langley replies. “Aunt Nikki’s dog. I tried to call him Ziggy when they first got here, but he only answers to Siegfried.”

  I smile at Langley when she looks at me.

  “Since when do you have a dog?” Renee asks.

  “Since the last month.”

  She stares down at him. “Siegfried? As in Prince Siegfried from Swan Lake?”

  I nod. Only Renee would make the same connection I did.

  She chuckles. “Well, Nikki. Looks like your prince has finally come.”

  I roll my eyes and grin at the joke. She’s right. He has come, and he’s next door.

  Langley waits until Renee brings her small bag of items upstairs to turn and ask me a question.

  “Where did Mom really go?”

  I bend down to her eye level. “She went somewhere to get help, Langley. She really did.”

  Her brow creases. “Did it work?”

  I smile reassuringly. “She’s made a very good start.”

  Langley gnaws her lip. “I won’t ask her about the missing tickets or my birthday present. I don’t want to make her mad or upset.”

  My heart goes out to my niece, so excited to see her mother again, but so hesitant too.

  “You don’t have to ask her about them. Like I said, it’s between your mother and me. She never intended to hurt you.”

  Langley nods, but I’m not sure what she’s thinking. I get the feeling she just wants everything to be okay, and I can’t blame her.

  When she goes upstairs and I’m alone for the first time in hours, I stand in the middle of the family room and look around. I’ll have to go home soon. The situation was always supposed to be temporary, but the idea of leaving and going back to my apartment, where I don’t know my neighbors and I have so little personal contact with anyone, is harder than I expected.