Finding Fate

by Ariel Ellens

  Welcome to reality.

  “Of course it is,” I say. “One person can’t do it all. And I’m tired of it.”

  I think there’s a sense of clarity coming over my mother but I don’t trust it. Not one bit.

  “So, what, you want me to show up and bake?”

  I shake my head and wipe my eyes. “I just want a mother.”

  My mother turns her head. She won’t go near the statement because she knows no matter what she does, she knows she’s wrong. And unless she’ll admit that, nothing will ever change.

  I let a few seconds pass by and then ask, “How did you find out? About me closing?”

  “Babs Ekert called me. She had the house number memorized. I forgot there was a house line.”

  “There’s three phones in the house,” I say. “Don’t they ring?”

  My mother looks at me with dazed eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

  “So that’s how you live... you have no memory.”

  “My memory tells me you closed what should have been an open business.”

  “Because I needed a break.”

  “Then go take your break,” my mother says. She points, offering me to leave. I already plan on leaving but having her point just makes it all too real and it makes it hurt. “Go home. The bakery is closed tomorrow.”

  Fine. It’s closed then. I think of Grammie and my heart starts to twist. I vaguely remember times when she worked seven days straight and if she did there was a break always coming. Or she had the comfort of Grandpa. They were happy so it wasn’t work for them.

  This is torture for me.

  Pure torture.

  “You need to quit drinking,” I say. It feels good to stand up for myself. Finally.

  “You need to quit bothering me,” my mother throws back at me, without so much as a breath.

  “Fair enough,” I say as I take a step back.

  I take another and then I’m gone. I make it to the front door just in time to hear my mother sob. It’s her drunken sob, extra loud, lots of tears, and emotions she won’t remember in the morning. Tomorrow she’ll fight a headache and wonder why she feels like hell.

  She doesn’t think she lives in hell but she makes the rest of the world suffer in it with her.

  -Chapter 12-

  Becca-Ann and I are texting each other. I need a conversation with her, so bad.

  Can I tell you something? About someone?

  I wait impatiently and she writes back quick. Good, it’s just me and her.

  Someone? You find a boy? I hope so... you need it. ;)

  I didn’t plan on talking about Colt with Becca-Ann.

  It’s about Stevie. He said he tried calling you... you should call him.

  She replies.

  Stevie? Why doesn’t he text me. Ugh. I have no time for boys who are afraid of themselves or me. Get a grip, right? Tell me about your hottie...

  Even from across the ocean, Becca-Ann just knows.

  So I tell her.

  This guy came into the bakery and I don’t know, he’s something hot. But he has a past... a scary one... maybe...

  If Becca-Ann were here, she’d smack me for being so vague.

  A past? We have a past. Just hook up, Isabella. Don’t get so freaking involved. Okay? I’ve had like... a hundred Paris boys out here so far...

  I read the text and wince, thinking of Stevie. He was probably home, thinking of Becca-Ann and she’s in Paris, with boys. I know Becca-Ann exaggerates like crazy so for all I know she could have just gotten a kiss from a Paris boy as a hello and she claims it to be a huge hook up.

  Think about Stevie. Please. He likes you, a lot.

  I know it’ll piss Becca-Ann off...

  Tell him to find his balls, sew them on, and come get me then. I wait for nobody. (That’s how you should be too, bitch.)

  Yeah, sounds about right. But is Becca-Ann wrong? Why should she wait? If Stevie was that serious, he’d do something about it. He’d call and find a way to talk. Or he’d simply just text her.

  Seriously, does romance have to be so big and complicated? Can’t it just be a text with meaning? Or a call? Does it have to be an open-my-heart thing like in the movies? I don’t want that. I just want truth. There’s love in truth, I believe it.

  You’re the bitch, Becca-Ann. Marie...

  Becca-Ann wasn’t just born with two first names, she was also given Marie as her middle name. That was the go to move for the throat with her. Only two people I knew of could go there without being hurt... her mother and myself.

  Oh, that’s good. Try to get me mad. Won’t work. I have to go now. You need to crawl in bed with the new hottie boy. Who cares about his past? Just enjoy yourself for a second. Miss you, love you, bitch.

  I nod. I smile. I type.

  Just think about Stevie. Even for a second. He got his lip pierced and it’s sort of hot. ;)

  The response comes back in record time.

  Don’t fucking touch him! lol

  I wouldn’t, I have Colt. One guy is enough.

  lol... you like him. Love you too, miss you too... and you’re a bitch. ;)

  I don’t get a reply and the conversation ends.

  I really wish I had my best friend here for this stuff. Then again, if Becca-Ann was here, I’d already be in bed with Colt.

  -Chapter 13-

  I sleep in. I actually sleep in. I wake up and it’s eight in the morning. The last time I remember sleeping in this late was last summer when I was sick.

  I look at the clock then check my phone.

  No missed calls.

  No texts.

  No problem.

  I roll back over and shut my eyes. I fall back asleep with ease but find myself locked in a wild dream, involving Colt. Of course it involves Colt. We’re on his bike. We’re at the park. We’re kissing... so hot. His hands are roaming free, going where ever wants and just where I please. Suddenly - somehow - we’re naked. No, I’m naked. I have no idea what Colt looks like naked and my mind won’t imagine it. But I’m naked. Now he can touch freely. His bare hands to my bare skin.

  Yes. This is what I want. This is what I need.

  His body presses to mine and his lower half is now naked. I can’t see it but I can feel it. My mind imagines how everything feels... so good...

  There’s a beep behind my head. I want to look but Colt shakes his head. I resist it. The beep comes again. Now I have to look. Why am I looking? What’s wrong with me?

  I roll over and open my eyes.

  My body is covered in sweat. My heart racing. Places on my body feeling delicate and in need. I look to my left and reached for my phone.

  Now there’s a text.

  From Colt.

  Stop dreaming of me.

  I laugh and then bite on my lip.

  If he only knew...

  I hurry and write back.

  Why would I dream of you?

  Colt texts back... Because you were. Because I was dreaming about you.

  I read the message and I don’t know to feel. Colt is like no guy I’ve ever met before. He’s smart, successful, sexy, and he’s interested in me.

  I’m going back to bed.

  That’s what I write back and it takes seconds for my phone to go off again.

  Stay there and I’ll snuggle with you.

  That would be amazing. My fingers touch the screen and before I even type a letter, there’s a knock at my apartment door.

  I move from the bed and pause when I catch myself in the full length mirror on my wall.

  I look like hell. Well, a sexy looking kind of hell.

  My hair is messy and I’m wearing clothes that I shouldn’t be answering the door wearing. But maybe this is just what I need to finally crack Colt and have him touch me. I rush from the room and open the apartment door and Colt is standing there. His smile, his face, his body, his smell. It all attacks me at once, along with Colt himself.

  He comes at me, his arms wrapping tight around my body. He
picks me up as we embrace. I want to kiss him, but just having my head nestled against his neck is enough for me. He carries me to the bed, something I’ve never experienced before. He gently places me to the bed and his eyes walk up and down my body.

  I’m wearing a white tank top, one that hugs my chest tight. It’s comfortable for me and I can tell that Colt is enjoying it. From there I’ve got on a pair of black pajama bottoms. That’s it. It’s simple and effective.

  “Bella, I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says. “I went to the bakery today and it’s closed. I had to find you...”

  “I’m right here,” I say.

  Colt leans into the bed, his hands going flat to my sheets. He’s hovering over me, a man of perfection. I realize then that Colt isn’t a boy or just a guy, he really is a man. There’s a lot of questions burning in my head still but they fade away. Other urges and needs take over and the version of Colt I have right now is all that matters.

  I look down at the lower half of his body. There’s still so much space between us. He’s being gentle but his eyes scream ‘aggressive’. Something is holding him back and I want to know what it is. Then again, maybe I don’t. Maybe there’s a pain or darkness so great, it’ll tear him away from me. Maybe he just senses the pain inside me.

  I reach for his shirt with one hand, grabbing him at the neck. I shaking as I pull him down, wanting his sweet thin lips against mine. He comes down and then puts his muscles to use, stopping himself an inch from my mouth. He’s literally an inch away, I can taste his breath. Its taste is amazing as it makes me shudder. I feel myself reacting like I never have done for a guy before, picking my head up, desperate to kiss him. My lips finally touch his and I can only moan. He kisses back but without the same passion from the park.

  When I put my head back to the bed, I stare at him.

  “Colt...”

  “If you do this,” he says, “if we do this... you’ll always be mine. I won’t share you, Bella. I’ll come for your heart.”

  Now it’s my turn to blow his mind. “Maybe you won’t need to come, maybe you already have it.”

  Colt smiles. “Oh, Bella, trust me... I need to come...”

  My mouth falls open in shock, my body reacting to his sexually laced comment with delight, and then his mouth is against mine. The kiss is as at hot now as it was back in the park. Only we don’t have the public eye upon us. We don’t have the openness of the world. And we don’t have time working against us. What we do have is our bodies... that still aren’t together.

  I reach around to the back of Colt, my fingers finding the bottom of his shirt. I pull, allowing my fingers to touch his bare skin. My hand is flat and sliding up, then quickly sliding down. I go over his jeans to his butt and push.

  I want him to touch me... him against me.

  Colt lets out a small groan and collapses himself to me. I know what he’s trying to do, trying to give me the chance to tell him no, to push him away, to find some kind of regret in something that definitely feels so right. There’s nothing I can regret in this moment. I’m not worried about an hour from now, or tomorrow, or a year... which is something I’m not quite used to. There’s a virginal feeling being with Colt. He’s tough. He’s serious. He’s manly. And his eyes have so much more to tell but they sweep me away with each passing second.

  I’ve never kept my eyes open like this while kissing someone. I’m lost in the kiss, lost in his body against mine, but my eyes are wide open, seeing him as I feel him.

  His hands touch my hips and my body begins to move. His left hand slides up my body and at the last second, he’s under my shirt. I feel his fingers but they’re moving fast. So fast. He’s at the bottom of my bra then on top. His aggressive hands squeeze once and he moves back down. Just as I’m about to moan in protest, his fingers dig their way under my bra.

  Oh, yes...

  He’s holding me in his left hand while his right hand begins its move. Over my pants he touches my leg and then cuts inside. He squeezes at my inner thigh and I jump, resisting the urge to giggle. The last thing I need in a moment like this is to laugh and feel foolish because Colt found one of my few ticklish spots. As he comes up the reality of it surges through my body. Even over my pants it feels amazing, his fingers moving, the rest of his body heating up. I can feel his heart pounding. Not quite as fast as mine. When his hand comes up to the top of pants and enters, I make my move.

  He can’t have all the fun.

  Sexy Colt isn’t wearing a belt, leaving my with the need of a quick twist to unbutton his pants. The tips of my fingers tingled and were suddenly on fire as I move along the rippling edges of his stomach muscles. They feel endless but I know just where they would end.

  Colt abruptly stops everything and pulls back. Both his hands are on the bed as he stands. His pants try falling to the ground and his quickly grabs them. He holds them though, leaving them way too far down, giving my eyes plenty to look at but teasing by entire body. My shirt is halfway up my body and my pants down a little. I don’t care, it’s what I want.

  “Colt...”

  “This is your last warning,” he says. “I’m not lying.”

  “Neither am I,” I say. I start to sit up, propping up on my elbows.

  “Isabella... you and I...”

  I let out a frustrate growl and do the only thing that makes sense. I sit up all the way and tear my own shirt off. Up and over my head and down to the floor. I reach back for the clasp of my bra and Colt stops.

  “Hold on,” he says. “Fine...”

  “Fine?”

  “No, not just fine.” His fingers touch my face. “Beautiful.” They continue down as I tilt my head back. “Perfect.” Down they go some more, to my chest. He moves his hand over my heart and stops it there, feeling what he has done to me. “Forever...”

  I exhale, feeling the urge to explode.

  Then Colt’s hand is gone. I follow it as he reaches into his pocket and produces protection. I then look up at him and smile. The look he gives me back tells me that I’ve officially crossed the line. His line. The point of no return.

  And that’s just fine.

  To prove it, I reach back and unsnap my bra. Colt doesn’t stop me but instead helps me as he guides it off my arms. Then slowly, we take our turns, piece by piece, our clothing soon becomes a mess on the floor of my bedroom.

  I move back on my bed and Colt climbs the bed, hovering over my again, following me. Inch by inch we’re at the top of the bed. I reach for the covers and pull them up on Colt’s body. I want it all... all of Colt, all of the heat, all of him...

  We start to kiss again and I have the urge to pull at his lower half again but I have to wait. I hear the sound of the condom being opened and it’s only a matter of seconds now... I kiss him harder, harder than I ever have before. My hand grips the back of his neck, not allowing him to break this kiss. My other hand lays flat on the bed, the tips of my fingers slightly curled, ready for the incoming pressure and pleasure...

  And then it finally comes.

  It’s Colt.

  And it’s just the beginning.

  I claw at the bed in the first minute and by the second our kiss has to break.

  I have to breathe.

  I have to scream.

  I have to... our eyes are locked. I’m seeing Colt inside and out, ready for whatever he has for me outside the bedroom. Whatever he has for the world, I want to be there.

  “Oh, Bella,” he growls and looks down.

  His arms are locked and he’s far enough off my body that’s there plenty to see. I can’t help but look too, not to see myself, but to see Colt and I together. Over and over. The moves that aren’t so subtle and increasing with passion by the second.

  He slowly sides down until our bodies are tight together. His chest to mine. His tongue flicking against my neck, traveling up one side to my ear and then across, fluttering past by lips, to my other ear, and back down. At my ears he exhales, saying nothing because he doesn’t need t
o say anything to intensify this moment.

  His right hand comes up the side of my body. I think he’s going to touch my breast but he surprises me when he keeps going. Then his fingers touch my arm, and in a tickling motion he draws straight lines down to my hand gripped around the sheets. Slowly, but with command, he forces my hand open.

  Our fingers interlock as we have each others bodies.

  And nothing ever felt and was so right and perfect in my life.

  -Chapter 14-

  I stare at Colt.

  He’s on his left side, me on my right. His knee touches just above my knee and it leaves my body racing with butterflies. His hand is at my hip, not with sexual intent but with the intent that it could sexual in a matter of a second. We haven’t spoken a word in a minutes but instead watched as the other slowly caught their breath.

  I want to fall asleep, really fall asleep and get lost in the moment forever... the way Colt smells and how our activity and sweat only make it better. We’re real now and we’re together.

  I can feel strands of my hair stuck to my face and forehead. I have to look like a messy hell but I don’t care, and Colt doesn’t seem to mind.

  He stretches his neck back and groans. I see the just-barely-there stubble along his neck and chin and I have to make a move.

  I come at him and kiss him.

  He sighs and I kiss again.

  Then again.

  He brings his head down and the tips of our noses touch. Then we kiss, a perfect quick kiss.

  “Bella,” he whispers, “if we start this again...”

  “I’ve got nowhere to be,” she says.

  Colt closes his eyes. “But I do.”

  “Of course you do.”

  I don’t mean to sound so bitchy, but come on, stay in bed with me. And not just for today, but forever. Okay? Is that so much to ask...?

  “Bella...”

  I hurry and lean on my elbow. “What? Why can’t you stay?”

  Colt swallows. “Can’t you just let it be? I have to be somewhere.”

  “Well, I know it’s business... so what is it?”

  “Family,” he says and looks away.