Finding Fate

by Ariel Ellens

  Who would I know...

  I look at Colt. His face turns white at the sight of my face turning white.

  “Are you the daughter of Lorraine Cressley?”

  “Yes.” My mother. “Is she okay?”

  “She was involved in an accident. You were listed as the emergency contact information.”

  “What happened?”

  “I’m not able to discuss details over the phone,” the woman says. “You need to come to the hospital.”

  “Okay. I’ll come.”

  “Isabella, it’s my personal suggestion you hurry. And I say that between you and I.”

  “Is she... dead?” I ask.

  “Dead...,” Colt whispers.

  “Please just come to the hospital.”

  The phone call ends and my cell phone slides from my hand. I vaguely see it hit the nightstand before falling to the floor. I start to shake. I’ve never prepared for this moment. I always thought about it, figuring her luck would run out...

  “Is she okay?” Colt asks.

  “I don’t know. She was in an accident. She must be hurt...”

  “Was she drinking?”

  Reality snaps at me for a second. I look at Colt. “What do you think?”

  He lowers his eyes.

  The years of drinking, of driving, of feeling invincible. She would then say that she was too old to get caught or get hurt. She knew what she was doing.

  “We have to go right now,” I say. “To the hospital.”

  “Of course, let’s go.”

  I’m thankful most of our clothes are on the floor. It makes it easy to get dressed. Anything else I need I grab as I walk through the apartment. My mind won’t stop spinning and I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go to the hospital like this. At the door I stop and watch Colt. He’s moving fast and with command. He’ll protect me. I trust that.

  “Thank you,” I say as I close the door.

  “I’m always with you now,” Colt says. He pauses like he’s thinking and then says something that shakes me to my core. “I hope it’s just her, you know?”

  “Just her?” I ask.

  “Yeah. She was in an accident. I hope it was just her car...”

  He turns and walks, leaving my stomach to roll over three times. I feel my heart drop into my stomach too, mixing all together.

  I hadn’t thought of that.

  What if she hurt someone else?

  We don’t take Colt’s bike and I regret it the moment he begins to drive. I’m picky about someone driving my car, but Colt doesn’t give me an option. He doesn’t even bring the subject up, he just takes the keys and commands the drive.

  Sitting there in the silence of the car, I hate it. I’d rather have the rumble of the motorcycle and the sound of it. That would at least bash up all these thoughts in my head. I have a million questions but there’s no use asking them because Colt won’t have the answers. I obviously don’t have the answer, and to be honest, maybe I don’t want some of the answers. Maybe it’s better off to just live in this moment, right now, and see where it all ends up.

  Colt keeps looking at me, every minute or so. He just looks, he doesn’t say a word. I love him for both gestures. He already knows me, almost too well for my own good.

  I hate hospitals.

  I hate doctors.

  I hate anything to do with medicine or medical. Because it’s the reminder that life is fragile and that death will come to all of us. And I hate thinking like that.

  Colt leads me through the emergency room, moving at a swift pace. I don’t know I’m walking but I am. Somewhere between here and there, I give a woman with black curly hair my mother’s name and we’re escorted to the elevator. I can’t tell you floor we’re on, but when I’m greeted by a tall, skinny doctor, the first thing he does it look at me, then at Colt.

  “I’m her...,” Colt says but isn’t sure how to finish it.

  “Boyfriend,” I say. “Colt is my boyfriend. I’m the daughter. Is my mother...”

  “Well, she’s been in a very serious car accident. The police are here too.”

  “Police?”

  I look at Colt. There’s tears in my eyes. His arms wrap around me.

  More people show up, maybe it’s just one or two. One’s a cop, but for all I know, it could be two hundred people. I keep my head tucked tight to Colt’s chest as I hear what happened.

  From what police could determine, my mother was driving at a high rate of speed, swerving lane to lane. A cop saw her and tried to pull her over. She wouldn’t stop. He feared intoxication, which comes as no surprise to me. My mother then sped through a red light, hitting another car.

  That’s when I gasp for air.

  She hit someone.

  She hit them on the passenger side. For a second I think there’s a glimmer of fate, but it turns out the car was a family of three driving upstate to visit family. Father. Mother. Daughter.

  My mother hit the car at the back passenger door.

  I pull my head from Colt’s chest. His arms are tight around me, squeezing me and in so many ways, holding me up.

  “Did she kill anyone?” I ask.

  “No,” the doctor says. “The little girl has been hurt though. Her parents are fine. She had be pulled from their vehicle.”

  “No,” I whisper as tears run down my cheeks.

  Why the hell was my mother in a car that early in the morning? And why was she that drunk that early? I always considered that she drank twenty four hours a day but this seemed to confirm it.

  “I need to see her,” I say.

  The doctor looks at Colt, the cop, then me. “She’s in bad shape. She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt...”

  “I wasn’t talking about my mother,” I say. “I want to see the little girl.”

  Colt squeezes. “Bella, you need to see your mother.”

  “He’s right,” the doctor says. “I’m terribly sorry to inform you of this, but she’s on life support. The injuries she’s sustained has caused severe damage to her brain, along with several broken bones and large cuts. I’m afraid... well, she’s not going to make it.”

  I’m instantly numb.

  Truly numb.

  I don’t feel pain.

  I don’t feel anger.

  I don’t feel confusion.

  I don’t feel a thing.

  I stare at the doctor, seeing his stone face. Years of training and delivering news like this just makes it all part of the job, but I can’t help but wonder if he cries when nobody is looking.

  I hope he doesn’t cry over my mother.

  I hope he does cry over the little girl...

  “I need to see her right now,” I say.

  “I must warn you,” the doctor says, “the sight...”

  “The little girl,” I say. “I need to see her first.” I look at the police officer. “I need to apologize.”

  The officer looks at the cop and the doctor shakes his head.

  “I’m sorry, but we can’t...”

  “It’s okay,” Colt chimes in. “I’m going to take her for a glass of water. Then we’ll go see her mother.”

  “I would hurry,” the doctor says with a stern tone.

  Colt turns and I resist. He puts his lips to my ears. “Trust me, Bella.”

  I do.

  I trust him with everything.

  As of that moment, he’s the only person I have.

  -Chapter 21-

  Colt sits me in an uncomfortable leather and metal chair. He makes me promise him I won’t move. No, I won’t move. I have no reason to move. I’m fully aware my mother is dying in this hospital but... whatever. Is that wrong? I can’t be sure if it’s wrong.

  Colt walks back to me a few minutes later, a half smile on his face.

  He puts his hand out to me. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “We’re going to see Elizabeth.”

  “Elizab...”

  “I took care of it,” Colt says.

&nb
sp; “How?”

  “I picked the youngest girl and flirted.”

  I look at up him as he leads me into the elevator. “I hate you.”

  He looks at me. “No you don’t.”

  “I know.”

  We ride in silence and then get off the elevator. We walk the halls and Colt tells me we need to find Room 443. The door is slightly ajar and Colt wastes no time knocking and pushing the door open. As we step into the room, a man’s voice welcomes us. He sounds weak and when he greets us, he looks like hell.

  “Hello?” he asks.

  “Sir,” Colt says, “my name is Colt... this is my girlfriend, Isabella. We would like to speak with you and your wife. And your daughter.”

  “Who are you?” the man asks, his tone growing angry.

  “My mother,” I say. “My mother was driving...”

  The man’s nostrils flare. A woman walks up behind him. Her eyes are puffy from crying and she looks as tired as the man. She puts her hands to his shoulders and squeezes. She’s his rock. I understand the feeling of needing someone that bad.

  “Please,” I say as I look at the wife. “Please. I just want to apologize to you. And to your daughter.”

  “To Elizabeth,” Colt says.

  “Don’t say her name,” the man bellows. “Do you realize...”

  “Jeff, stop,” the woman says.

  “My mother has always had a problem,” I say. I don’t care if anyone wants to hear it or not. “I tried and maybe I could have tried more. But I’m the daughter, not the parent. Her parents are dead. Her only sister left a long time ago. It was just me. I tried to keep her from driving. I tried to keep her from drinking. If your daughter...”

  “She’s going to be okay,” the woman says. “It’s a miracle.”

  “A miracle?” the husband, Jeff asks. He looks at his wife. “For Christ’s sake, Mary, we could have been killed.”

  “But we weren’t.”

  “My mother is going to die tonight,” I say. Now I have all eyes on me. I speak lower, not wanting to scare Elizabeth. “Her injuries have her on life support. She’s going to die.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mary says. She reaches with her right hand, taking my left hand. “It’s not your fault.”

  “It is,” I say.

  “It’s not,” Colt adds.

  Jeff looks at me, then to his wife’s hand holding mine. “They’re right. It’s not your fault.”

  “You can’t live with guilt,” Mary says.

  “I have been,” I say. “I wanted to apologize to you.”

  “And to Elizabeth,” Colt says.

  Jeff looks at Mary. Mary nods. I can see she’s a woman of belief. Something about her spirit makes me feel better, considering the hell around us.

  She leads me more into the room and that’s when I see her.

  Elizabeth.

  She has her mother’s hair and eyes, but her father’s facial structure. She’s a perfect combination of both parents. There’s a cut on her right cheek along with bruising around her eye. Her right leg is in a cast and from what I can tell, that’s the extent of the injuries.

  “She was lucky,” Mary whispers to me. “A miracle that she wasn’t hurt worse.”

  “She’s beautiful,” I say.

  Elizabeth looks at me, then Colt. Her eyes widen a little and her cheeks turn red. She thinks Colt is cute. Then again, who wouldn’t?

  “Are you a nurse?” she asks.

  I smile as her parents laugh out a weak laugh.

  “No,” I say.

  I have no idea how to approach the little girl so I take a few steps towards the bed.

  “Then who are you?” she asks.

  “My name is Isabella.”

  “Who’s he?” She points at Colt and her face is still red.

  “I’m Colt,” Colt says.

  “I’m Elizabeth.”

  “I know,” I say. “Elizabeth... I just wanted to say I’m sorry about what happened.”

  “What happened?” she asks with a sense of innocence that brings tears to my eyes.

  “The accident,” I say. “My mother was driving the other car. And I’m sorry about that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she hit your car. She was... she was sick.”

  “She had a belly ache?” Elizabeth asks.

  “Something like that,” I say.

  “Were you with her? Coming to the hospital?”

  “No,” I say. “We didn’t get along that much. I feel bad that something happened to you. I’m glad you’re okay though.” I look at the bulge of the cast under the thin blanket on her. “Mostly okay.”

  “Honey,” Mary says, stepping forward. “Isabella’s mother is very sick tonight. She can use our prayers right now, okay?”

  Elizabeth nods. There’s a sense of faith in the room like I never felt before. This is how they’ve raised Elizabeth. To be a girl who turns into a woman with understanding. With faith. With hope. I look at Elizabeth and realize she’s everything I wish I could have been.

  “We better get moving,” Colt whispers.

  I nod. “I’m sorry for bothering you all. I just wanted to apologize.”

  “Make sure you take care of her,” Elizabeth says.

  “Of who?” I ask.

  “Your mommy. Take care of her.”

  I freeze. I know I can’t tell a little girl that my mother is going to die. So I just nod and smile, wanting to leave the family on their own. They need the time together. To reflect and heal. It’s amazing how close they are. A true family. Through good times and bad.

  I actually feel saddened leaving the room, knowing I have to now face my mother. My dying mother. We take the elevator again and a nurse takes me to the room. I look at Colt and he understands. I have to do this alone. He releases his hold on me and backs away.

  My mother is in the hospital bed with machines hooked up to her. I instantly want Colt with me. But he’s outside the room, probably pacing the hall. The nurse allows me a few minutes to myself and I’m left alone with my mother. Of all the times I’ve felt fear near my mother, it’s been nothing quite like this. Of all the times we fought, yelled, and of all the times I’ve wondered when it will all end, I didn’t expect it to be like this.

  The machines are keeping her alive.

  Just as the doctor warned, her face is cut and bruised. It’s easy to tell she went through the windshield. Drinking and driving with no seatbelt. Not the smartest set of decisions in the world.

  I pull the chair near the bed.

  I guess I’m supposed to talk.

  “Just so you know, everyone else is fine. The other people. If you can remember hitting another vehicle.” I pause, waiting as though she’s going to pop up and be fine. She’s not. Nothing is fine. Nothing has been fine. Now the anger hits me. I fold my hands together and my heart starts beating.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I ask. “You could have killed someone. Now you’ve killed... yourself.”

  Damn, I’m crying again.

  I picture Grammie and Grandpa.

  What would they think or do right now?

  “This is just who you are,” I say. “There’s nothing I can do to change it. I’ve done my best, Mom, I really have. I’m sorry if I could have done more but I’m not ready for all this. Not without them... without Grammie and Grandpa.” Now the tears are streaming. “I know it hurt you so much when you lost them. It hurt me too. But they gave us so much. I believe you know that. I believe you can hear me...”

  My words trail off as my eyes shut. Everything’s attacking me at once. In the swirl of emotions in my head and body I hear one voice.

  A small voice.

  A true voice.

  An innocent voice.

  I hear Elizabeth.

  Take care of her.

  How am I supposed to take care of my mother right now? It’s not possible. She’s already taken care of herself... the years of drinking, the years of regret. She put herself here, not me.

/>   Then it hits me.

  I can take care of her.

  And I will.

  I take a deep breath, trying to handle my emotions the best I can. I then touch my mother’s hand and lean towards the bed.

  I can take care of her...

  “Mom, I’m sorry for yelling,” I say. “I’m upset. You know that. You’re my mother. You’ve always been my mother. I just want you to know that I understand how you feel. The pain. Being alone. Regret. Okay? I hide in the bakery like you hide in a bottle. I’m not sure I’m much better than you but know that I don’t hate you. Okay? I don’t hold anything against you. I swear on it, Mom. I... I love you, Mom. I love you.”

  And just like that, I take care of her. I stand up and lean down, kissing her forehead. This is it, the last moment I’ll have with my mother.

  I squeeze her arm tighter.

  “Mom, it’s okay now. You can let go. You have to let go. They’re waiting for you. I love you.”

  I let her go and wait a few seconds. I expect everything to just shut down but it doesn’t. Everything is normal, or as normal as it could be.

  As for me, I’m done. There’s nothing else I can do. Fate will take over. And that’s something I’ve come to believe in.

  I leave the room and as I thought, Colt is pacing the hall. He’s halfway down when I see him. My knees start to buckle and he charges at me, making it just in time to catch me.

  “Bella,” he says. “Bella... are you okay?”

  I nod. I’m crying. I’m smiling though too. I’m finding myself.

  “Bella...”

  “I took care of her,” I whisper. “Like Elizabeth said. I told her I loved her and that’s it. It’s over.”

  Colt looks around and then helps me to my feet. “Come on. Let’s get a seat somewhere.”

  “No, let’s go.”

  “Go where?”

  “Let’s leave. Tonight. Right now.”

  Colt stops. “Bella, we can’t leave now. Your mother...”

  “It’s done. When she dies, everything goes to her sister.”

  “Your aunt?”

  “I guess she’s my aunt. I don’t consider her it. She gets the house, the bakery, the everything. I don’t care. I want out. I want out of it all. Like you said, I have the memories, right? The pictures in my mind.”

  “Bella...”

  “Isn’t this what you wanted?”