The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell

by Harry Harrison

  “Here, sit at the table,” Angelina said, pulling out a chair. “And don’t eat so fast or you’ll make yourself sick—”

  “Warfle?” I said.

  “—and don’t talk with your mouth full. Eat slowly, that’s better, while I tell you what happened. It was Bolivar who came for me. No time to wait, he said. The alignment was difficult—just seconds. I held back but he grabbed me and that was that. It took so long to get through to you again, I knew what you were feeling. But it is all all right now. We are all together this time. The end of worrying.”

  “The beginning of a lot of big worrying for some of us,” Inskipp snarled in his friendly and ingratiating way as he walked into the room. He dropped into a chair and glared menacingly. “All right for you people to relax and cheer each other up with stories of your strange adventures. You forget that the rest of us are weighed down with responsibilities. Since this whole mess began we have been behind the eight ball, stuck in the mud, up the creek paddleless and getting nowhere as fast as a turgid turtle.”

  Instead of pointing out the tangled syntax of his mixed metaphor I reached for another sandwich. Priorities exist. He chuntered on.

  “We have been tottering from calamity to calamity, our hand forced at every turn. Not one of the Slakeys has been apprehended. As soon as we close in on one of them another pops up and whips him away. All of our efforts so far have been spent in getting you out of trouble, diGriz. And the costs keep growing. I imagine it was your smart idea to rent this entire hotel, the Vaska Hulja Holiday Heaven, as center of this operation. Do you know how many millions of credits it has cost so far?”

  “More than the gross annual income of a rich planet—I hope!” I belched rotundly. “Sorry. Ate too fast. Another beer? Thanks, James. And every credit well spent, Inskipp, you old skinflint. Rockets have roared, Space Marines have exercised furiously, news broadcasters have been working overtime, the galaxy is an exciting place and zillions of happy citizens have been entertained delightfully. You should bless me as a galactic asset instead of whining about your overdraft. Nothing but good has come out of this operation.”

  He turned bright red and bulged his eyes, opened his mouth. But Angelina spoke first.

  “You are both right and wrong, Jim. It looks like Slakey has been put out of business. The search is still on, but it has been a long time since the detectors found any trace of him—on any civilized planet that we have contacted. The search is now spreading to every recorded world, as our great leader, H. P. Inskipp has kindly pointed out.”

  She smiled but Inskipp was immune to the kind word and the gentle touch. “I’m going to pull the plug and cut our losses,” he said. I was suddenly very angry.

  “No you are not, you monetarial moron! All of the civilized planets pay large sums to keep the Special Corps in business—and they never ask you for any kind of accounting. We are now faced with one of the biggest threats that mankind has ever faced—and you want to cut and run.”

  “What threat? What can one man do that can threaten a thousand worlds?”

  “Think!” I said, grabbing up another beer to hold down the sandwiches. “Professor Justin Slakey may have started out as a top scientist and a genius. But this popping back and forth between universes has not only addled his mutual brains but in some way has multiplied his numbers. Do you want these madmen to go on multiplying and causing more and more trouble? We know he has sent people to Hell to provide lunch for his insane personification there. At the very least Slakey is a mass-murderer. Who will go on committing murder and who knows what other forms of insane evil until he is stopped. And more than that …”

  I really had their attention now. All eyes were on me, all mouths mute as I raised the bottle and drank in dramatic silence. Then raised a hortatory finger.

  “Much much more than that. Look at all the lengths he went to, all the churches and organizations he created. All the masses of money he has collected. And why did he do all this? For the money, that’s obvious. The sums involved are staggering. So ask yourself—what does he want the money for?

  “What are his plans?

  “Anyone who thinks they are for the mutual benefit of mankind may leave the room. All who stay will have the pleasure of hearing how we can find Slakey and stop him.

  “Now—would you like to know how that can be done?”

  CHAPTER 14

  “OF COURSE WE WANT TO hear your plan, darling.” Angelina said, then leaned over and kissed my cheek. “My husband the genius.”

  Facetious or not it was heartwarming. Bolivar and James were giving me cheerful thumbs-up signs, Sybil did the same and even Coypu was nodding in reluctant agreement. The only glum one was Inskipp, still counting his mounting debts. I rapped on the table with my beer bottle.

  “I hereby declare this meeting of the Galactic Salvation League to be open. Who is taking the minutes?”

  “My recorder is running,” Sybil said, sitting down and putting it on the table before her. “Welcome home, Jim diGriz. You had us all very worried.”

  “I had myself very worried. What Slakey did to you and me in Hell-or to Angelina and me on Glass—is reason enough to pursue him to the edges of the galaxy and put him out of business. But we have more reason to go after all the hims other than simple vindictiveness.”

  Inskipp sneered lightly. “And just what is that?”

  “I never thought that you would ask. I notice that while I was away you managed to lose track of him completely. Is that correct?”

  “Loosely speaking, why possibly, yes.”

  “Speaking very tightly I would say that now is the time for a plan that cannot miss. Professor—how goes your universe machine?”

  “Very well, thank you. The little matter of calibration will soon be licked.”

  “I’m cheered to hear that. How many universes do you have access to?”

  He clattered his fingernails against his teeth, forehead furrowed in thought. “Theoretically of course the number is infinite. Perhaps we even create these universes when we enter them, as you suggested when you came back from Hell. But, as of this moment, we have investigated or entered a little over forty-one.”

  “Is one of them Heaven?”

  “No—but we are still looking. While the machine we captured has settings for different destinations I have no way of identifying them without activation and entry.”

  “What about Hell?”

  “We very definitely can go to Hell. You will remember that your son James hypnotized a Slakey and made him send Bolivar there to find you.”

  “Well that’s it, then.” I sat back and sighed with satisfaction. “I could do with just a bit more to eat, if the sandwiches aren’t all gone.”

  “Stop toying with us, Jim diGriz, or you’ll get more than a sandwich in your gob!” Angelina suggested.

  “Sorry, my love. I don’t mean to make light of the situation. But it has been pretty grim of late and I was indulging myself.”

  “You’re forgiven. What’s so important about Hell?”

  “Slakey is there. In his red, fat, insane, well-armed condition. Don’t you think that if the other Slakeys could get him out of there—that they would? But they don’t. Probably because it would certainly kill him, that’s what Slakey on Glass told me. So we launch a little expedition to find him. And talk to him. An expedition in force because what one Slakey knows they all know. They won’t kill him-that would be too much like committing suicide. But they will have no compunction about polishing the rest of us off when we try to talk to him. But if we get there fast, maybe use a bit of hypnotism on him, ask a question or two, right, James?”

  “A piece of cake, Dad.”

  “We will then ask him to answer two incredibly important questions. Where is Heaven—and what is the overall plan? It is imperative that we find out what the snakey Slakeys want all the money for.”

  “Do it,” Inskipp said, a man who always makes his mind up quickly. “What are you going to need for this job?”


  It was a good plan, and a tight one. As soon as Slakey found out what we were up to he would react. Violently. And he was well ahead of us technically. Coypu still had not found a means of getting any operable machines into another universe. But Slakey in Hell had a working gauss rifle. I just hoped that there wasn’t any more universally transportable weaponry in Slakey’s hands.

  Our advantage would have to be speed of attack. And numbers.

  But our primary hit team had to be small so it could move fast. I would go because the whole thing was my idea. Then James had to be with me since he had to hypnotize the old red devil. And Angelina of course, she would not let me go alone. And of course Bolivar, who naturally would not permit a family outing without being present himself. We would go in fast and hit hard.

  But our flank would be protected by two hundred very mean and obnoxious Combat Marines. They would be armed only with their hands and feet and combative know-how. Which should be enough. They would be guided by Sybil, who certainly knew her away around Hell. Also, I had caught a number of dark looks from Angelina whenever she saw me talking to the female agent. Which meant that life would be a lot smoother if Sybil led the troopers.

  My old companion, Marine Captain Grissle, would be in charge of the troops and I received a message that he urgently wanted to see me. I sent for him.

  “No guns?” he asked as he stamped through the door. “A marine is not a marine without a weapon.”

  “Unarmed combat, they’re supposed to know all about that kind of thing.”

  “They do. But they would do better with a grenade or two.”

  “They would fuse into lumps and would not go off. I couldn’t even open the blades on my pocketknife in Glass.”

  “Bayonets?”

  “They will get stuck in their scabbards. And don’t say leave the scabbards behind. I do not relish the thought of two hundred marines popping through into Hell and falling all over each other with naked bayonets in their hands. But, yes, I have thought about it and think that something can-be done. We will all be carrying weapons.”

  “What?”

  “I will work out the details and you will see just before we leave. Dismissed.”

  It took a few days to make all the preparations, which gave us a useful breathing period. Angelina had had a chance to put some weight back on, four good meals a day helped, and we were all raring to go. Coypu had been fiddling with his equations and his circuits and had built a superior model of his dimensional doorway.

  “Basically its just a matter of power,” he explained. “Slakey had to conceal his machines, keep them small and out of sight. We have no such restrictions.”

  The new machine was most impressive. At great expense he had tapped directly into the planetwide and international electrical grid. A large, red, insulated cable, over a meter in diameter, led into the main ballroom of the hotel, now converted into an electronic jungle. In the middle of the dance floor was a full-sized garage door mounted in a frame. I admired it—from the front only of course. Since it had no back. That is if you walked around it you couldn’t see it or it wasn’t there or something. But it looked sound and solid from the front.

  “Take a peek and see what we have got,” Coypu said, making some adjustments on his operating console. I turned the garage-door handle and opened the door a crack—then slammed it when the air began to whistle through.

  “All black—with stars. And lower pressure. That’s not Hell.”

  “But I’m very close, that’s the adjoining one. Try it now.”

  A red sun burned down from the red sky. I sneezed when a whiff of hydrogen sulfide drifted out. “That’s it,” I said closing the door again. “Shall I call in the troops?”

  “I’m ready when you are.”

  They were all waiting expectantly for the signal. Sybil and Angelina were the first to get there. Moments later the tramp of marching feet heralded the arrival of the marines. They stamped in, marched in position, faced front and thundered to a halt.

  “Great,” I said. “Stand them at ease and be prepared for issue of weapons.”

  “Weapons!” Captain Grissle’s great jaw cracked into a unaccustomed smile.

  “There!” I said as James and Bolivar drove in with the laden freight wagons. I opened one of the boxes and pulled out a bloated red form and waved it on high.

  “A salami …” Grissle gasped.

  “Very observant,” I said. “A both deadly and edible weapon. Issue them to your men.”

  “You’re not playing the fool again, are you?” Angelina said as she and Sybil looked on dubiously.

  “Never, my love. This is a very serious decision and one that was worked out with impeccable logic. Instead of fighting with the inhabitants of Hell, we feed them. If they have been resorting to cannibalism, a redolent salami will make Hell a paradise for them. However, since most of them are a little insane we must expect trouble. Then, in any emergency, you will discover that a ten-kilo salami can wreak fearful damage. And if we overstay our leave we can always eat them ourselves.”

  The marines were issued one salami each. “And no nibbling,” I warned. Sybil and the twins took theirs, but the look in Angelina’s eyes warned me not to even wave one in her direction. I took mine and held it aloft.

  “Are we ready, Professor?”

  “Locked on.”

  “Then here we go!” I shouted, throwing open the garage door to Hell and pointing my salami. “Attack!”

  It was a lovely sight. With their salamis at slope arms and in perfect step, the marines charged straight into Hell behind Sybil. My family followed.

  As instructed, the marines had spread out in a long skirmish line. Sybil waved her salami and indicated the direction for them to take. Away from the lava lake and towards the foothills.

  “This is a terrible place,” Angelina said. The ground trembled as flame and smoke shot from a distant volcano.

  “We’ll get out as fast as we can. But it has to be done.”

  “Some trouble over there,” Bolivar said. One of the marines had been ambushed by two of the locals who had leaped out of hiding and tackled him. He swung his salami with trained skill and bowled them both over. This broke the salami in two which must have released a deliciously garlicky smell that brought instant attention from the sprawled men. They scrambled in the sand, the marine forgotten, seized up their booty and fled.

  “Well done,” Angelina said, lifting her face and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

  “Man down!” the captain shouted. “Take cover.”

  “Let’s go,” I shouted and led the rush.

  Everything went according to plan; red Slakey would be easier to capture with so many marines involved in stalking him. It would be faster too.

  Two of the marines carried their wounded comrade by.

  “Flesh wound,” one of them called out.

  “Back through the door, the hotel doctor is waiting,” I called after them.

  We slowed to a walk, panting and perspiring. By the time we reached the scene the marines had done their job and Slakey had been captured and disarmed. He was being held fast by two of the largest marines. Bolivar and James grabbed the prisoner while the marines fanned out in a wide circular formation around us.

  “We meet again, Professor Slakey,” I said. He foamed a little and writhed in the twins’ unbreakable grip but did not speak. I grabbed his arm so James could do his hypnotizing. Which, unhappily, did not seem to be working.

  “I can’t get his attention, sorry,” James said. “I’ve never worked with anyone in this insane state before.”

  “Let me try,” I said, breaking off a great chunk of salami and holding it close to the prisoner’s nose. He stopped struggling and gaped; his nostrils twitched. Then he snapped at it and his teeth clacked together when I jerked it back. I handed the redolent salami to James.

  “You’ve got his attention now.”

  “You’re hungry,” James said, “hungry and sleepy. Bite,
eat, chew, that’s it. Swallow, good man. Want more, nod, that’s it.”

  “Quiet!” a dark-suited Professor Slakey said, running up the hill towards us. An attacking marine swung a powerful salami and felled him. He rolled down the hill and vanished from sight.

  It was a good thing we had brought so many marines. One Slakey after another appeared—until at one point there were twelve attacking at the same time. The important thing was that they were all unarmed; apparently they had made only the single gun for Hell and we had caught them unprepared. Try as they might they never made it through the perimeter of muscular guardians. One of the Slakeys appeared almost on top of us, reaching for the now silent devilish form, but Angelina caught him and twisted and hurled him back down the hill.

  Then the attack was over as swiftly as it had begun. Our prisoner was now sitting on the ground happily chewing his rations.

  “They’ve stopped,” I called out. “But stay alert—it could be a ruse-be ready for anything.”

  “They won’t be back,” James said around a chewy mouthful. “What one knows they all know. So they all know now that the prisoner let me down on the Slakey motivatiori for this entire thing. His brain is so addled that he had no idea of what I was talking about or what all that money is needed for. But he remembers Heaven, clearly, knows its importance. Once I had the information, the code sequence, the other Slakeys stopped the attack.”

  “You’ve memorized it?”

  “Better than that.” He held up the remaining half of his salami. “I scratched it on this with my fingernail.”

  CHAPTER 15

  I WORKED OUT IN THE hotel’s health club every day. The first day I was exhausted after an hour, the aftereffects of starvation on Glass saw to that. But the trainer sweated with me full time; weights, bike, hydrotherapy, 2G sprints and all the rest. It wasn’t too long before I was able to put in a five-hour day and I was feeling fit and perky. My morale was also cheered on by the fact that I had put all of my lost weight back on as muscle. The layer of fat on my love handles, product of all dissolute and boozing living on Lussuoso no doubt, was gone. I jogged and I swam and realized I could no longer put off the moment of truth. Because I was sure that Angelina would not like it.