Gravity (Hollywood Connections Book 1)

by Renee Porter

  “How are the kids?”

  “They’re okay. It’s a lot like it was when we were going there. There are still those select few that get away with things they shouldn’t but for the most part everyone is accepting. I even mentor the GSA.”

  Her smile widened. “That’s great. I could see you being a good mentor for them. Do they know?”

  She didn’t have to explain that she was asking if they knew I was gay. “They know that I’m accepting of it and they may assume that I’m a lesbian but I’ve never come out and said it directly. I’m out in almost every aspect of my life, but I tend to keep that to myself in my profession.”

  Maddie twirled her almost empty beer bottle in her fingers. “I can understand that. You don’t want people to judge you based on who you sleep with.” It sounded like she knew from experience and maybe she did. Maddie was still very much an enigma when it came to her personal interests. I had followed her here and there throughout the years of her becoming a well-known celebrity. Of course there were rumors of her dating some Hollywood heartthrob but she never had commented on her relationship status. Whether it being in a relationship with a female or male, she managed to keep her personal life away from the cameras. It was unsettling slightly that I still didn’t know. Even after everything that happened.

  “Are you dating anyone?” Maddie asked me. The oven timer beeped and she moved toward the stove. I watched her as she removed the lasagna and pulled two plates from the cabinet. Placing the food carefully on the plates, she looked over her shoulder waiting for my answer.

  “No. I haven’t seem to find that perfect person yet.” She smiled over at my response as she returned with two steaming plates of lasagna. My mouth watered at the smell and I had to settle myself and not dig in like a barbarian.

  “Is that what you’re looking for? Someone who is perfect?” She teased and I smiled over a mouthful of food.

  “You know what I mean. I haven’t found anyone that holds my interest to stay long term.”

  I knew we were getting into dangerous territory. The past was sneaking up fast but I was sure that if I could divert it if it came to close. And then I asked something that I would have never asked her when we were younger.

  “What about you? Anyone that’s been holding your interest?”

  Maddie stilled her fork and moved the lasagna around on her plate. “There is.” She glanced up at me and smirked. I knew that it was all she would give me and like in our earlier years my heart tore from the proclamation. I finished my lasagna and placed my fork down, not knowing how to continue the conversation. There was a lot that was unsaid which made our current situation tense. I know that Maddie felt it too but I wasn’t willing to delve into our past right now. Was it really so bad if I just wanted to see if there was a chance for us to rebuild a friendship that we once had?

  “Thank you for having me over. Even if I didn’t know this was a setup, it was still nice to see you.” I stood and took my plate, as well as Maddie’s to the sink and quickly washed the dishes. I felt her watching me from her seat; the heat of her stare warming my back and neck.

  “It was my pleasure. And now that we’re close again, we won’t have any excuses not to see each other more.”

  I turned my head to look over my shoulder. Maddie was staring at her empty beer bottle, the condensation allowing the label to peel easily. I breathed in heavily and exhaled, hating myself for breaking my resolve so easily.

  “I’m sorry that I didn’t keep in touch.” I wiped my hands on the kitchen towel and turned towards her. Leaning against the sink I allowed the past to come into the present for a moment. “I just didn’t know how to move on from that.”

  Maddie gave me a sad smile but it was quickly replaced by a wave of her hands. She was giving me reprieve but I wasn’t so sure if it was genuine. “We were kids and that was a long time ago. I should have never even said anything. Actually, now that I think back on it, I realized how ridiculous it all was. You were my best friend and I took that for granted.”

  “You always had my back, Maddie. There is nothing to apologize for, and I don’t think you ever took our friendship for granted.”

  “Agree to disagree on that one.” She stood and followed me toward the front door. Before saying goodbye she gave me a quick hug which felt less friendly than the first. She was already distancing herself but I couldn’t blame her. Hurtful memories could do that to a person.

  As I took the steps toward my room I thought about how peculiar life was. In a matter of a few hours my life had gone from blissfully ordinary to astoundingly confusing. How can one person shatter every wall I had built up for the last decade with just one look?

  I turned on my light as I opened my blinds. Pulling the window open I stared out across the branches, something that had become a nightly ritual even when the dark room didn’t hold Maddie’s belongings any longer. When emerald green eyes met mine and a sly smile shone from behind newly placed glass windows my heart fluttered with a sense of comfortable familiarity. Maddie opened the window easily and peered out at me. “Some habits are hard to break,” she said through the darkness. Her words were but a whisper on the cool breeze of the night and a shiver ran through my veins. So much meaning was held behind those words that not one more needed to be uttered. We both stood there, leaning against our sills as we took a glance up at the stars. How long we stood there I couldn’t be sure, but as the night grew darker and the stars shone brighter, a new friendship was born. But maybe, just maybe, the old one was still there, shining amongst the blanket of night sky, distance not allowing it to fade.

  ***

  June 2005

  “Let me see it.” I grabbed the leather bound folder from Maddie’s hands and opened it. Her name was written in black cursive and just reading the words of the diploma made my throat close tightly. “Are you happy?” I asked her. She looked over to me. We were in my backyard again, laying on a blanket underneath the moonless sky. I saw her shrug. If I was Maddie I would have been ecstatic. Just thinking of never having to return to GHHS would be more than enough for me to scream from the top of the largest mountain I could climb. “Hey, why have you been so quiet?”

  Ever since I had returned from the graduation with Maddie and her grandmother I had noticed a change in demeanor from my friend. The normally talkative and humor filled girl, or should I now say woman, had been exchanged with a more subdued Maddie. She had hardly said two words since receiving her diploma and the silence was starting to make me worry. “Maddie…”

  “I have a ticket booked to New York tomorrow morning.”

  The feeling at that precise moment could only be described with the loss of breath. My lungs deflated and I struggled to take in a deep breath.

  “Oh,” I said. I forced myself to feel happy for her. It’s not like we didn’t know that she wouldn’t be leaving after graduation. “I knew you’d be leaving but I didn’t think you’d go so soon.” Suddenly the diploma in my hand was now heavy and unwanted. How can one symbolic piece of paper allow for a whole life to be ruined?

  “I didn’t want to leave so soon but my dad’s lawyer called and told me he needs to talk to me. I guess when I turned eighteen a few weeks ago the trust fund got put in my name, and I need to sign some paperwork to make it official.” A part of me held hope. Maybe this was just a business trip and she would be back. She hadn’t even packed all her things yet so that was a good sign, right?

  “With the money he left I can have my stuff shipped back east.” I swallowed thickly.

  “So, that’s it then?” My hushed words were enough for her to look over to me. Her face held a blank stare.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I’m happy for you,” I forced a smile. “Maybe I can convince mom to let me come visit.” We both knew that it wasn’t a possibility but it was still nice to think about.

  “And I’m sure I’ll be out here from time to time. You know, with grams still here.”

  “Yeah.”

>   Suddenly the silence was louder than any noise I had ever heard. We watched the stars as both of us allowed for the realization to set in. This time tomorrow Maddie will be in New York and I will be left here with nothing but the memories.

  The night dragged on but we didn’t talk. When we traced the final plane across the night sky she turned to me and held out a hand for me to take. I wanted to grab it but instead I got up on my own and dusted off my pants. I was angry, sad, frustrated. I felt like I was losing her and I never even really had her to begin with.

  “Walk me to my door?” She asked. I wanted to say ‘no’ in defiance. That if she could just leave so could I but my love for her got the better of me. I nodded as we walked around toward the front of the house and the short distance to her home. Well, not her home for much longer, I thought.

  “What time is your flight?” I asked her as we made it to the door. She hesitated for a moment but answered just the same.

  “Six.”

  I nodded staying silent. I held myself with my arms against my middle. The thick awkward exchange was silent of words wishing to be said but I held them in. She didn’t need me to cling to her. Maddie had always been so independent, her own person. She didn’t need to know that I needed her to make me feel complete.

  “I’ll call you when I land?”

  I nodded at her again and I expected a hug. A smile. An ‘I’ll miss you’ even but nothing came. Instead she said ‘good night’ and disappeared through the door. I stood there for a few moments, waiting, expecting her to come back through but she didn’t. She never came back outside and in a blink of an eye I found myself in my room, under my covers listening to the silence, not knowing how I managed to get there. My mind was blissfully blank as a closed my eyes. Dull aches of pain probing every nerve in my body. I should have told her, was the last thought before sleep over took me.

  I startled awake as I heard a knocking in my room. I got up in a haze as I opened the door, expecting to see mom back from her night shift. When I was met with darkness and another knock from behind me I glanced over at the window. I slowly made my way to the blinds and lifted them, startled to see Maddie sitting on a heavy oak branch merely inches from the glass.

  I pushed the window up and stuck my head outside. “What are you doing?” I moved back so that she could climb through my window and finally she stood upright, brushing off bits of leaves and bark.

  “Told you I could do it.” She smiled at me and I rolled my eyes at her. My arms were braced against my chest as I waited for her to say something.

  “Sorry, were you sleeping?” Her random question took me off guard as I glanced at the clock. It was three thirty and she was fully dressed. I looked over towards her window and saw the suitcase closed and ready to go by her door. I realized that this was her last goodbye and something inside of me broke.

  “You’re leaving.” I whispered. I held her gaze as I finally comprehended what was going on.

  “Yeah, I am,” she moved forward a step. “But…I…” I waited for her to finish but she didn’t. She just stood there as she fidgeted in her stance.

  “Maddie?” She looked up toward the ceiling and then back down to me, letting the breath in her lungs exhale.

  “I never talk about it, you know? When I came out here I promised myself I wouldn’t get attached to anyone because I would be leaving. I planned on New York.” My confusion clouded my mind. “I didn’t plan on you though.”

  The crickets outside sang a sad song as she continued. “I never wanted it to get too personal because I didn’t want to miss you. But even though I buried it deep inside it didn’t matter. Because I’m still going to miss you. And I think about all this time that I wasted…if there was ever a chance…”

  And then I understood. As she stood there, nervously mumbling through her words I understood what she was saying. I understood why she never spoke about who she was interested in, because that person was me. My every wish, my ever dream was coming true but just like the stars Maddie was but a ghost in my room. She was leaving. Even though I saw her now, she wasn’t even really there anymore.

  “Don’t.” I rasped. “Please, don’t.” I pleaded with my eyes for her to stop. She was giving me and telling me everything I wanted to hear but all I could think about was her dream. Her plans. Everything shattered for a chance at something we weren’t even sure would last.

  She stopped as the words came from my mouth. “You’re my best friend Maddie, and I’m going to miss you so much but,” I shook my head. “I don’t want you to stay. Not for me, at least.”

  I saw her heart break in that moment and like falling dominos mine fell apart in crumbled pieces. I was giving up everything I had wanted so she could have everything that she had envisioned for herself. I would be nothing but a crutch to her, and although I wanted to go to her and tell her that my feelings would never change I just couldn’t.

  “But, I thought…sometimes when you look at me…those eyes…” she tried to understand what was happening but as she took a step toward me I forced my hand up. I was a marionette, manipulated by my own mind, invisible strings playing my life. She took another step forward and I took one back.

  “Don’t, Maddie. Please, just don’t.”

  “You want me to go?”

  I opened my mouth. No. “Yes.”

  The light dimmed in her eyes as her tears fell with no abandon. In all my years I don’t think I would ever forget the sound of her breaking heart. She stood there not believing me. One more step forward, one more step back.

  “Don’t.” I said with as much as a definitive tone I could give. “Go.”

  She wavered for a moment but she didn’t take another step forward. Instead she took one back, and then another, until all that was left of her was a dark silhouette climbing out of the window. I didn’t dare go to the window until I heard a car door slam and drive away. And with the final sound of the engine distancing itself from me, I whispered again.

  “Don’t go.”

  Chapter 8

  March 2016

  “How about we hold a bake sale and give our proceeds to the LGBT Youth Center in Downtown LA?” Denise asked the group. It had been the third official meeting of the GSA club and I had decided to allow them to run the group themselves, only giving my opinion when it was asked. The small group muttered and groaned and I suppressed a smile.

  “Okay then, does anyone have anything that they think would benefit the community?” Denise glanced from each student. I had been surprised when the first group came in. We had only had five students initially sign up, but as each meeting progressed, more and more students joined. We were now at fifteen and most of them seemed to be truly interested in the club.

  “I saw Bryan talking down to a freshman in gym class the other day. I had to step in only to be called a flamer.” Brandon’s eyes rolled. “Maybe we can get together an assembly about bullying. You know, maybe talk about how it impacts peoples’ lives and how to handle a bully when you see them.” Brandon looked around the room as the students’ interests perked.

  “That would actually be pretty cool,” a young woman shouted from the back. “We can each talk about a time we were called a name or bullied about something out of our control.”

  As the students rolled off ideas Denise looked at me and smiled. I gave her a quick thumbs up.

  “Do you think that would really work though? I mean this is all coming from a bunch of gay kids who don’t even really matter much in the school. Who is really going to listen to us?”

  I saw Denise give me a look of desperation as the students all started to agree. I could feel the previous excited mood exchange with something more somber and I stood up toward the front of the class.

  “How about you guys petition to some of our local government agents or school board to talk to the students. There is always a story in every person’s life about being bullied or being witness to something dealing with it. I’m sure if you asked as many people as possible
you would get a few that would be willing to do it.”

  “What about you Ms. Montgomery?” Denise asked.

  “Me?” My eyes widened as I stared over the room at expectant eyes.

  “Yeah. Would you have something to share? You’re one of the best teachers in the school and a lot of kids look up to you.” I saw the kids all nod in agreement to Denise’s statement. It was common knowledge that I was well liked amongst the students but I didn’t know if I wanted to throw my dirty laundry out there.

  “Well, I don’t…” As I kept my gaze amongst the students something inside of me cracked. These kids who were only ten years younger than myself had enough courage to want to stand in front of a group filled with their peers to try and change even one person’s outlook on life. I sighed as I just nodded my head. “Of course.” The class cheered as they quickly started to research names and ways to contact more people for their project.

  “Thank you,” I heard Denise whisper to me. I gave her a warm smile that belied my inner turmoil. I had a feeling that in a few months, my dirty laundry would be scattered across the halls of my old high school yet again.

  ***

  “You’re really going to do it?” Maddie asked as she passed me a warm coffee. The skies of Southern California had broken open as a light rain misted the concrete and I sat there under the cover of her porch listening to the almost uncommon sounds of rain drops pelting the ground.

  “Do you think it’s a bad idea?” I asked.

  Maddie considered my question for a moment and then shook her head. “I think it’s brave. Sometimes we forget about everything that is going on around us because we choose to look in different directions. I think some kids could benefit hearing something motivational coming from someone they respect.”

  “I didn’t want to do it at first,” I was honest with my response. “I just thought about everyone finding out and all of a sudden being a pariah again.” I chewed on my bottom lip. “I felt like I was in high school all over again.”