by Renee Porter
“Yeah. And since you weren’t drinking at the party it’s obvious that you’re pregnant.”
“And who is the baby daddy this time?” She asked with a humorous tone.
“George Clooney.”
“Hmm. Guess I could do worse,” I could tell she was smiling and the infectious sound of her laughter filled my ears. I gripped the phone tighter in my hands and pressed it closer to me. What a feeble attempt to make her feel closer.
“How’s New York?” Maddie had flown back east to finalize the details for the fourth installment of Breakaway.
“Good. Lonely.” She sighed.
“What? George isn’t there catering to your every whim?” I placed the kettle on and grabbed my mug, already setting the honey and creamer for my tea.
“Well I actually have to tell you something,” she said in a serious tone. I waited for her to continue. “George isn’t the baby daddy…” I smiled.
“Oh, really? But I thought I could believe everything I read in the tabloids.”
“You would think but unfortunately it’s not true.”
“Care to explain how you got knocked up then?”
“Immaculate conception, of course.” I couldn’t stop the laughter that escaped my mouth.
“Seriously, Maddie. What’s going on over there? I thought you had someone waiting in the wings for you.”
“And why would you think that?” She asked more seriously.
“Well first off you told me that you were dating someone. That probably has a lot to do with it.”
“I did? I don’t remember that.”
I rolled my eyes. “You said that someone held your interest.”
“Hmm. Doesn’t mean I’m dating them though.” I clenched my teeth at the pronoun. Why couldn’t she just come out and say it? Why did she always have to hide?
“Then how about your secret rendezvous a couple months ago? When you couldn’t get together for our nightly talks? Don’t tell me you were just ditching me to hang out with your other friends.”
Maddie laughed at my assumption. “You’re right. I was having secret rendezvous. Although they weren’t a secret and it wasn’t a rendezvous. Josh’s brother recently moved to LA and I was helping him get situated.”
“Oh,” for some reason the knowledge that Maddie was available made me feel better, and worse at the same time.
“You really don’t date?”
“Well, I never said that…”
“Then what’s your type?” I poured the hot water and dipped the tea bag in and out.
“Why? Do you have some single friends you’re looking to hook me up with?”
“Currently, Maddie, you’re my only single friend. But I’m sure some of the married ones wouldn’t mind ditching their wives to be with you.”
“Hmm. Interesting.” She said curiously.
“What is? Married men float your boat?” I chuckled at the absurdity of our conversation.
“No. Just your choice of pronouns.”
“Why is that interesting?” With my tea now forgotten, my ears perked up. Sure, I knew that Maddie had feelings for me when we were younger but did that mean she was gay? I knew many straight women had feelings for their girlfriends in school, but they were married now…to men.
“Well, you assume that I’m into men.”
“You’re not?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“So you are interested in men?”
She laughed loudly and I wondered if maybe I had hit the nail on the head. “I really can’t believe after everything we’ve been through you don’t know my preferences yet.”
“You know you’ve never said either way to me. You’ve always left me to assume.”
“Maybe I just don’t like labels.”
“Okay. But if you had to label yourself what would you say?”
“That I’m straight…” My heart sank at the words. “As a rainbow.”
I groaned at her and she chuckled again. “You’re just loving this aren’t you?”
“I have to say it does pass the time quite nicely.”
“Maddie…” I grated and I think she could tell that I was getting frustrated because her teasing eased.
“Does it really matter to you, B? If I am or not?”
I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. “No, of course not.” As a friend I could care less if Maddie was gay or straight. But as something more…
“Damn.” Her voice was slightly dejected.
“What?”
I heard her breathe in deeply. “I kind of wish you did care.” I closed my eyes at the flirtatious way Maddie said the words.
“We should have more conversations over the phone.” I licked my lips as my throat started to dry.
“And why’s that?”
“Because I think you’ve told me more about your personal life in these last twenty minutes than I’ve known in the last decade.”
“You know I’m an open book. You can ask me anything and I’d tell you.” Her voice was sincere and a million questions came to mind but only one stood out amongst the fray.
“Maddie?”
“Hm?”
“Are you gay?” Silence.
“Yes. But you already knew that didn’t you?”
“I think a part of me did, yes.”
“Which part?” I bit my lip as I considered all the options in my head. Her previous flirtatious words coursing through my veins.
I opened my mouth to counter but instead I decided not to play with fire. “Is it hard? To keep that from everyone? Your fans, the media?” I chewed on my bottom lip, wishing that we were having this conversation face to face and silently thanking God that we weren’t. I don’t know how Maddie would have taken my beet red face at this moment.
“You know me, B. I’ve always kept a lot of my personal life…well personal. I guess it’s not that difficult when you grow up with it not out in the open anyways.”
I was nodding but I realized she wasn’t there to see me. “But what about when you meet someone? Is it going to be an issue?” I knew that more and more actors and actresses were coming out these days but with Maddie still being somewhat new in the entertainment business, I wasn’t sure how it would impact her career.
“There you go assuming again.” Maddie sighed as I heard shuffling of sheets. I imagined her cuddled up in her bed, holding the blankets tight. The side lamp illuminating a soft yellow glow against her pale skin. I shook my head.
“What am I assuming now?”
“That I’m going to meet someone.” I would have laughed if her tone was anything other than truthful.
“You don’t think so?”
Maddie sighed heavily. “Remember your girlfriend in high school?”
I glanced down at the illuminated screen surprised at the sudden change of topic. “Uh, yeah?”
“And remember when I kept asking you if she was your type?”
“Of course.”
“Well, the problem is…” again she sighed, “I have a very, very particular type.”
“I get it. You’re picky. And I think in your position you’re allowed to be.” I clenched my fingers around my phone. Of course Maddie grew into being attracted to a specific type of woman. Probably tall, beautiful, smart - an actress like her maybe? I envisioned the type of person that Maddie could be with and not once did any imagined figure look like me.
“Yeah. I guess.”
“It doesn’t mean that you won’t meet someone eventually.” I hated the dejected tone coming from the other line. If I could say anything to her that would pick her spirit back up I would.
“Sometimes I think I already did.” It was only a whisper and I tilted my head back.
“Who?” Even though something deep down inside of me knew the answer I still asked.
“We always want something we can’t have. I said that once to you, didn’t I?” Her voice cracked and I felt my heart constrict at the sound. She was on the verge of tears.
&
nbsp; “Maddie…” I tried to find anything in my mind that could comfort her. I wanted to say that I knew it was me. I wanted to tell her that I had lied to her and that I wanted her to stay but I couldn’t bear being the person that held her back from what she deserved in life.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I’m just a little down. It’s weird being back here and it not feeling like home.”
“I know,” I whispered to her. She cleared her throat and we stayed silent for a moment, the only sound of her breathing coming into the line.
“I should let you go…” she sighed and then she added, “You’re probably exhausted. I’ll call you when I’m back in town.”
I said goodnight to Maddie while leaving so much unsaid. My mind drifted to a time when all we had to worry about was trying to pass history and math. My feelings for her had been so deep, so true, and I had never even imagined that they would ever be returned. How could they with Maddie being who she was? She had been everything that I wasn’t and I had been so sure that there would never be a mutual attraction. But those feelings were returned and in the days after she left I had admonished myself for not seeing the signs. How had I not caught on to the silent smiles and gestures that she had given me in hopes that I would return her own feelings?
And now here we both were, nearly a decade later. Our teenage years imprinted in our memories yet gone through the travels of time. I was no longer that shy teenager, even though sometimes I still felt her weight on my shoulders. I wasn’t sure if I was just more experienced or if Maddie grew to be more open but I saw those moments more clearly now. Her words were no longer a puzzle that I had to piece together. Her stare no longer held confusion and her breath spoke more in silence than any voice could explain. Through these months of rebuilding our friendship I knew what all of these things summed up to.
Maddie still harbored feelings for me, and just like she did when we were younger, she was hoping that maybe I would see them and realize that there was something there; something more than just friendship.
And I did realize it. Every nerve, every cell, every breath inside of me wanted her. The attraction was just as electrifying as it was when we were young and it wasn’t just the physical. Her beauty was so much on the inside as it was on the out and my body and mind reacted every moment I saw her and heard her voice. But the question was, why was I still pushing her away? Why was I still creating distance when all we both wanted was to take steps closer to one another? Because I want Maddie. No, I need her and now that she was back in my life I didn’t want to lose her again. The risk was too large for me to take and I knew that if I wanted to keep her in my life, I would have to sacrifice that part of me again. It was for the best, really. Only for the best…
I closed my eyes as I willed the lie in my mind to become the truth but no matter how tightly I shut them I knew those thoughts would never take that form. Because keeping my feelings from Maddie wasn’t for the best. It wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make again. It was a risk that was worth taking and I wanted to take that leap and fall without a safety net. Because in the end, if all I had is one fleeting memory of Maddie’s lips on my own then I knew it would be worth it. I knew that loving her for one day would be worth not knowing what she felt like for a lifetime. And in that moment, standing in my kitchen, alone and finally aware of the road I wanted to travel I had never felt more sure of anything in my life.
***
“Have you ever told a lie to someone that you thought was for the best but in the end, maybe it wasn’t such a smart thing to do?” I asked Vanessa as we sipped our lattes. We both had agreed to teach one summer school class and our scheduled times were late morning. We always made a point to grab coffee together before our classes to get us through the seemingly never ending days.
“I need more context.” She responded while considering my question.
I chewed on my bottom lip trying to put this in a perspective she could understand. “Let’s say hypothetically…that you’re in love with someone…”
Her eyes widened and a sly grin crept up her cheeks.
“I said hypothetically, Vanessa.” I narrowed my eyes and she held up her hands in mock surrender.
“Okay, please, continue.”
“Anyways, like I was saying…” I waited a beat to see if she had more to say but after a few moments of silence I continued. “Hypothetically, if the person you secretly love tells you that they have feelings for you, but they are planning on taking their dream job across the states, would you tell them that you have feelings for them too? Or would you pretend that you didn’t so that they could live out their dream?”
“What kind of job?”
I scoffed at Vanessa. “Does it matter?” She raised an eyebrow at me and I rolled my eyes. “Let’s just say it’s a very competitive career choice that can make you more money in a year than most people can make in a lifetime.”
“Okay, so we’re not talking about being a teacher then…” I shook my head laughing at her rag.
“So let me break this down so it’s easier to understand,” she lifted her hand and pointed to her finger. “One, Girl loves Boy,” Vanessa smiles and I roll my eyes, “but Boy does not know.” I nodded. “Two. Boy has feelings for Girl but is already planning to move for a dream job that makes a lot of money.” Again I nodded. “Three, Boy tells Girl that he has feelings for Girl and would stay if the feeling is mutual. And Four, Girl does not want Boy to lose out on a great opportunity and lies about her feelings so that Boy will leave and live out his dream. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, I would totally be upset.”
My stomach twisted and my face winced. “Why?”
Vanessa looked at me as if I had just asked the stupidest question in the world. “You’re serious? First off, money is nothing but paper and cannot buy happiness. If Jared told me he didn’t love me while I spilled my heart out to him only because I was offered a job three thousand miles away I would throat punch him.”
“But don’t you think that allowing them the option to be free of any emotional entanglement and living out their life like they had always planned is more important than holding them back from that?”
“If it were me and Jared, and I really wanted that job then I wouldn’t have said anything in the first place. What you’re saying is that Girl is assuming that Boy thinks the job is everything, when in reality, if Boy is spilling their heart out it’s obvious that their real dream is to be with the person they love. Everything else can be figured out…finding a job comes easier than finding love.”
“I shouldn’t have asked the philosophy major,” I murmured under my breath. Vanessa laughed at me and shrugged her shoulders.
“It’s not that hard to figure out, B. What made you ask that anyway?”
I fidgeted in my seat suddenly uncomfortable. “It was a concept in a book I was reading and I wanted your take on it.”
“Well, whoever Girl is in that book I hope they realize what they did before it’s too late. Let me know what happens, sounds like a good book.” Vanessa wiggled her eyebrows and I forced a smile.
“I’ll be sure to let you know.”
***
“Just breathe.” I inhaled and exhaled in quick succession and readied my fist at the door. I pulled back but stopped before my knuckles even touched the white paint. I closed my eyes as I shook my head. What was I doing? I’m not this person. Before I could talk myself out of it though, I rapped on the door and waited.
I heard shuffling from the inside and a low mumbling of frustration. The door unlocked and Maddie stood with her hand bracing the door, her eyes still tired from sleep and her hair messed but looking just as beautiful as ever.
“Hey, morning!” I smiled widely as my high pitched voice screamed in my own ears. If I kept this up she would think I went certifiable.
“Uh, hi. Morning. Is that coffee?” I held out the tray in my hand for Maddie to take as she stepped aside to let me in. I t
ook a moment to steady my nerves while my back was turned and once I was able to feel somewhat normal I turned around to Maddie staring at me. “What’s going on?” She hesitated for a moment before placing the empty tray down and handing me my own coffee. I inhaled the aroma, buying time.
“What are you doing today?” I asked her, without responding to her previous question.
Maddie still eyed me warily and drew out “nothing”.
“Well now you are.” I went over to her and pushed her toward the stairs. She looked over her shoulder as she chuckled.
“What are you doing?”
“Go get dressed, we’re going somewhere.”
Maddie stood stone still as I nudged her one more time. “Don’t you have class today?” I bit my lip as I shook my head. Maddie’s eyes widened. “You’re ditching? Isn’t that against the rules?” She gasped in a dramatic fashion which made me huff out a laugh.
“I’m an adult. I deserve a day off every now and then.” Maddie’s eyes lowered on me as she gave me a slow smile.
“Don’t lie, B. How did you get out of work today?”
I rolled my head back and moaned. “Fine. I told Principal Williams I had a business meeting with you…” she waited for me to continue, knowing that I wasn’t done with the story. “And that there is a possibility of another sizeable donation coming from a very good friend of yours.”
“And who would that friend be?”
I hesitated for a moment. “Randle Gooding?”
Maddie shook her head. “You bribed your way out of work?”
The way she put it almost made me feel bad for my ruse. Was she disappointed in me because I had lied to get out of work?
“You can be naughty when you want to, huh?” I rolled my eyes at her as she started to ascend the stairs. I watched her as she walked her hips swaying as if dancing to her own rhythm. My mouth went dry when she caught my stare from above her shoulder. With another slow, sexy smile she asked, “What should I wear?”
I cleared my throat as my cheeks reddened. “Something comfortable. It’s hot out so the less clothes the better…I mean…” I almost slapped my hand to my forehead. “You know what I mean…”
