by Tiana Laveen
“Women come and go. Women have told me no before, Snow. Do you really think I give a shit?” He shrugged. “It’s no big damn deal. But you’re right about one thing: I do play to win. Yet, what you’re doing right now is not a game to me. It’s not funny. I feel like some pussy standing here trying to get it through your thick skull that I didn’t want casual sex from you!”
“And neither did I!” Her confession flew out of her mouth like a bird, then flapped away, never to be seen again. Her eyes felt watery, and she blinked several times. Why was he making this so damn hard?!
“You’ll have to excuse me. This just makes no damn sense and I want some answers. Like I said, I honestly don’t give a fuck about being rejected, the fun is in the chase. What I’ve never had a woman do before is have sex with me then get all panicked when I tell her I want more than just a bite of her cookie… the very thing you deep down wanted to hear… or so I thought. You’re all backwards, and I don’t read in reverse.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! I’ll tell you what you’re reading. You’re reading way too much into this, Alex. You’re a wannabe psychologist, and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Stick to putting out fires, please. For the hundredth time, give me my keys!”
“Putting out fires? What do you think I’m standing here doin’, sweetness?” His smile chilled her to the bone. “I’m makin’ sure you know exactly what you’ve done before you saunter off all hot ’nd bothered and leave here as nothing but ashes. You might as well since you want to lie and play dead. All I know is that I pursued you, got upfront with you, told you about my last relationship and let you know what I was tryna do. No secrets. I make you some dinner, make love to you, tell you I want to hear all about you and all you can tell me is, ‘Alex, I’m sorry.’ You’re fucking ridiculous. It’s my fault though, right? I guess it is.”
She turned away from him and debated calling Brittany.
That would be no use. She’d probably side with him!
“Just stop it, okay?”
“Your actions from the beginning showed me you’re messed up but I thought for some silly reason I could put a smile on your face, make you believe in all the good stuff you no longer think exists anymore. Like the actuality of good men, I’m not some goddamn Easter bunny!” His voice echoed throughout. “I’m real! And do you know how good men become bad men, Snow? Because of women like you.” He jetted his finger in her direction then put more distance between them as if he couldn’t stand the sight of her.
He’s turned his back on me…
For some reason, seeing him like that caused her unexpected duress.
“You have no right to judge me.” She stormed up to him, standing by his side, but he didn’t so much as flinch. “You have no idea what I’ve been through and you should consider it a favor that I know myself well enough to understand that right now is not a good time for me to be getting involved with anyone. Everything has fallen apart, Alex. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or who to trust. It’s not just Hugh, my ex, and the shit Amber pulled… that’s the trick who slept with my man. It’s everything! It was this damn case, the way I’ve been treated lately at the firm—all the pressure put on me to win, win, win! I can’t breathe; I’m up to here with it! You don’t need someone with all of this stuff going on, and what I told you just scratches the surface. I’m… I’m going through too much. I didn’t want to lead you on.”
“You’re right.” He tossed her a glance then turned back towards the pit. “You did do me a favor. What you described is life, Snow. Shit happens! My daddy is dead, all right? He was my best friend—he’s gone. I found out last week a guy who used to work in my department but transferred died in a fire. I trained him myself! My ex-girlfriend is struggling, but I can’t do anything about it ’cause every time I answer the phone, she’s cryin’ or yellin’ at me and carryin’ on. You better pull up to the bumper and ride this shit out or get the hell outta dodge! You’re a Black woman, beautiful! Intelligent, one of the best damn attorneys in South Carolina. Yeah, that’s right, I looked you up when I was getting dressed for our date tonight. After all the shit you’ve accomplished, you’re lettin’ anything and everything turn you inside out.”
“Don’t you understand?! This is serious! This is my life!”
“I understand it just fine and I’m not sayin’ it’s not a big deal. It is, but you’re cryin’ over this spilled milk and shit you can’t change! Just like when I first saw you on that water, I told you to not let the things out of your control ruin this gift called life. People waitin’ around on dialysis for kidneys and hearts would love to be in your damn shoes right now. What’s sad, though is you’re really buying your own bull. You actually believe what you’re saying to me.” She dropped her head. “I’ve heard ’bout your kind, but never ran into one until tonight. Whew! Just wow! I can’t stand people who run around pretending to be brave and mighty but inside, they’re constantly afraid… not even telling themselves the truth, the reasons why they are too terrified to fight for what they really want, in spite of it all.”
“And I suppose you think you’re this elusive prize?”
“I am… and I must be because you’re fightin’ against me so damn hard. When I first saw you, I saw you smile at me, Snow. It wasn’t just some nice, pleased to meet you smile… it was the smile. We’ve been playin’ all damn day, and we’ve both been loving it, but when I made love to you, that was it. Playtime and runnin’ interference on this thing we’ve got became null and void. I’m what you want. That’s not arrogance. That’s just the truth.”
“Sometimes we can’t have what we want. Your life may just be one big adventure, but that’s not reality, Alex. Sometimes the fun has to end.”
“Nah, let me make something clear to you, counselor. I ain’t pissed that you didn’t wanna do pillow talk, Snow. I’m no longer upset that you want to go home either. I’m mad because you’re not even woman enough to admit that you’re a user, a liar, to yourself and to me.” He pointed at his chest.
“Look how you’re arguing with me, like we’re a couple! I barely know you!”
“You know me well enough to see that I’m the real McCoy! I stand by what I said, take it or leave it. You say I ruined tonight. No, that was all your doing so let me be the first to say, thank you very fuckin’ dearly. You’re running because I want you. You’re running because you want me, too. You’re running because I’m White. If I were Black, we’d be on round two by now and makin’ plans for breakfast.”
“Not true!”
“It is true, Snow. You’re running because you’re afraid of love, ’cause you’ve been hurt and you know you and I have the potential to be something great. You can’t buy, barter or steal the type of passion we’ve got! I’ve never had a sexual experience like this in my entire life, and you best believe, I’ve had my share of good times. But something magical happened tonight… you know it too.” She blinked the tears away… angry tears, tears born from the truth of his words. “From our first encounter to right here, right now, it’s been amazing. It’s like the stars are lined up for this, but instead of thanking the Almighty, you run. You’re running because you’re a scared little girl with a fancy degree and loose grasp on reality… and the reality is, darling, you’re a bona fide wimp. Oh, no! Someone will make fun of me ’cause I’m dating that White Fire Chief!” He rolled his eyes. “That’s weakness, and it makes me sick. I like to chase but I sure as hell ain’t gonna beg, and I ain’t gonna apologize for being the wrong color, either. Some of you women, I swear… not even worth it. The pussy was damn good, but what a price to pay! I dodged a bullet.”
“You’re a mean, entitled, arrogant son of a bitch, Alex. You want to put a magnifying glass on me? We’ll try out this looking glass on yourself for a change. The problem with you is that you’re quite intelligent, and you know it. You think anyone who doesn’t agree with you or falls in line with your plans is beneath you. Your temperament when things go awry is petty and nast
y. You relish cruelty. You’re negative and full of yourself. To the world you look like an all-American hero, but behind closed doors, you’re an entitled monster.”
“I thought you said you didn’t know me?” He chuckled. “Sounds pretty fuckin’ accurate if you ask me.” He placed both hands on his hips and stood tall.
“I also denote some misogynistic undertones in some of your statements this evening, and that, my friend, is where I draw the line. Now, for the last time, give me the damn keys!”
“Gladly. One last thing: you’re full of shit. Go take a laxative and pull this fuckery on someone else and see where it lands you.”
“Fuck you. I should’ve never come here.”
“Oh, but you did cum… over and over again,” he sneered, tossing verbal trash upon her as he buried her with his punitive words. “You’re treatin’ me like a courtroom and I object. I’m thumpin’ the gavel… order in the fuckin’ forest. When you’re seventy-five years old I’m sure you’ll tell your fourteen cats about the one that got away.”
He angrily chucked the keys in her direction, grabbed up his gear and the shovel, and marched over to his truck. Before she could breathe, the wheels of the massive vehicle kicked up dirt and dust and he tore out of there, leaving her all alone with a broken heart, deflated ego, wounded pride, and a desire to race after him like a flaming bat flying straight out of Hell…
Her chest rose and fell harshly. She fisted and unfisted her hands as an unholy rage emerged from her very core. Not in a very long time had someone gotten under her skin like that, made her feel so much passion, disgust, and sorrow. He’d blown her down and beat her to the ground and he hadn’t even raised his fists. Not even the breakup and her altercation with Amber had rendered such devastating results.
He was right about me, about everything… I want him… What in the hell have I done?
CHAPTER TEN
White Roses for the Death of Pride
Alex understood from years of practice how to achieve the perfect poker face. He’d mastered the art of having a good time and keeping his seething rage within. The previous night he’d tried to do the math but he’d lost count of how many bottles of beer and shots he’d swallowed. Instead, he opted to pretend the whole sordid ordeal with Snow had never happened. Being that he got rather silly when intoxicated, he was told in the wee hours of the morning that he’d been laughing like a hyena the entire night, sometimes out of the blue. He was the life of the damn party, dancing and telling tales, none of which included the likes of Snow Apperson despite his friends’ pleading for the nitty gritty details.
“My head!” he cried out at the dining table as the guys shuffled about, preparing for an early morning of fishing on his birthday. He massaged his throbbing scalp for his temples pounded as though small drums were being beaten right behind his eyes. A rollercoaster hurling sensation that warmed his chest and pinched his ribs made him swallow bile, the threat to vomit imminent.
The sun had barely risen, the rays muted to a cool blue. The weather forecast promised a mere 62 degrees. The birds were chirping in stereo, their chorus morphed into an obnoxious ruckus making matters worse. He could hear every little thing with his senses on full alert, and his eyes felt dry and itchy, as if he’d rubbed sand in them for the better half of the night. So now he sat with a cup of coffee and a hangover that was sure to do him in. “Why did you all let me drink that much?” he asked wearily.
“And miss the one-man-show known as Alex Valentine? No way, man, and happy fuckin’ birthday!” Joshua teased, grabbing some fish bait out of the refrigerator. “You were a riot.” Just then, his best friend shoved his phone in his face. Ten minutes later, all Alex could do was smile sheepishly and shake his head. He’d done the Macarena with a pair of underwear on his head and participated in a hot dog eating contest—as the only contestant. He’d forced everyone to participate in a one-legged hop contest with the winnings being several rolls of quarters and a pack of stale Peep marshmallow candies from Easter. Then there was the unfortunate impromptu karaoke singing of, ‘She Only Bitches When She Breathes’ by Freddy B.
“You ready?” Dan asked as he entered the kitchen, wearing a pair of cargo shorts with deep pockets and a bright yellow shirt.
What is he supposed to be? An egg yolk?
“I think I’m going to have to pass on this, guys. Go on.” He waved them off before plopping his forehead down on the table and groaning.
“Suck it up and let’s go!” Rob blurted, pulling at his collar. His voice was damn near deafening. “It’s your birthday for God’s sake.”
“I can’t… and if I had the energy right now, I’d beat the living shit out of you for yelling in my goddamn ear,” Alex said, his voice muffled as his lower lip rubbed across surface of the table like a worm having a conniption fit.
“All right, stay here and sleep it off then, big buck. We’ll be back in a few hours.” Rob sounded suddenly sympathetic to his plight.
He slowly raised his head, and the light from the overhead fixture threatened to blind him. “Do you guys need my keys or did you find them already?”
Joshua raised his head and dangled the keys. “We got ’em, boss.”
Alex nodded, but not too fast for his head was a damn fish bowl with a guppy swimming inside it, sloshing about and making a fuss. Minutes later the cottage door closed and he was all alone, left to his own devices. He rose from his chair and grabbed a bottle of water, then returned to his bed. Covering himself up to his chin, he wrapped himself tight in the quilt and prayed for good health to arrive by noon. He’d get a late start, but this was their last day before packing up and heading back home. Perhaps he could get a little fishing done after all, but for now, he needed his rest.
If I can just get rid of this damn hangover I’ll be fine… a couple of hours of peace and quiet should cure it.
When he closed his eyes, his mind was immediately flooded with lingering memories of a beautiful pain in the ass woman who’d haunted his dreams all damn night. He hadn’t chewed someone out like that in a mighty long time, but what was he supposed to do? She’d trampled all over the gift he was trying to give her. Himself.
I gotta let that shit go. She made her choice.
He drifted deeper in sleep until he envisioned himself on a mountain.
In that dream, it snowed in South Carolina…
The next day…
“I’ve got an early mornin’.” Alex yawned, happy to be home and unpacked. He sat in his living room, the television tuned into Comedy Central with the volume turned down low. The washing machine and dryer were going, his stomach was full from a greasy hamburger and fries he’d picked up on the drive home, and he looked forward to getting back to work. The vacation had been a great release but was definitely over. “Thanks for calling though.”
“Yeah, man,” Joshua stated before swigging on his drink. He must’ve been drinking something pretty damn good to chug it like that. “You just were kinda quiet on the way back… wanted to make sure everything was all right.”
“Yeah, yeah… everything is fine, just fine. I’ll holler at you sometime during the week. We can all get together over Larry’s house I guess. He’s havin’ some party next Sunday. Said I wasn’t going but I might stop over if time permits.”
“Yeah, he invited me, too. All right, sounds good. I’ll check you out later.”
“Cool.”
“Oh, before you go, Alex, what happened with you and that lady? Now that we’re all alone, you can tell me… spill the beans.” Joshua laughed in his typical way, the kind of laugh that sounded much like Seth Rogan.
“Nothin’ much. We talked a bit, ate, had sex, and she left.”
“Had sex? You just glossed right over that. Must’ve not been all that great.”
“It was some of the best, if not the best sex I’ve ever had… that’s not it.” He was met with a moment of silence, as if someone had died and they were paying their respects.
“Well then, uh, you pl
annin’ to see ’er again?”
“Nope. Anyway, I gotta go, Joshua.” He forced a yawn. “I’m tired.”
“All right, man. Check you later.”
His friend ended the call and he sat there in his living room, resting on his favorite dark brown leather chair. Dad had it first for most of his childhood and had given it to him as a gift many years ago. He ran his hand down the arm, real slow, studying the cracks and wrinkles that had appeared over time. He could practically imagine the man sitting there with his cigarette in one hand and his trademark sly smile on his face. He always wore a pair of Dungarees. Daddy worked as a local delivery driver during the week and on weekends, he was a security guard. He made some of the best ham and cheese sandwiches and told the most outrageous stories but swore every single one of them was true.
I miss you, Daddy. Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and call you like I used to. You always had good advice, even if I rarely listened…
The soft fuzzy world of sleep soon took him asunder by surprise. Alex’s eyes shot open at a knock on the front door and a couple of rings of the bell. In a state of disorientation, he looked around him then got to his feet, feeling wobbly. He’d been in such a deep sleep he realized he hadn’t lied to Joshua after all. He really was tired. As he made his way to the door, he hollered out, “I’m coming!”
I hope this ain’t nobody sellin’ magazines or those Jehovah’s Witnesses…
He waved his hand about, trying to awaken his muscles and brain from the REM fog. Without even looking through the peep hole, he snatched it open. A rush of shock that quickly turned to anger swelled within him, forcing his adrenaline into overdrive.
“Hi, Alex. I hope you don’t mind an impromptu visit from the counselor…”
