The Love Lottery

by Raj Dhaliwal

  I just want to set sail in my love boat and drop anchor with my bounty/treasure/catch of the day – call it what you will and share the adventures and new experiences together.

  Now for the important bits. Please do not contact me if you are one of the following as these will be regarded as Pirates!

  1) Not over the ex-Pirate in crime!

  2) Window shopping and not serious about establishing a meaningful relationship – I need a fellow swashbuckler with matching boots!

  3) Someone who thinks they can loot my bounty

  4) Someone who ends up sinking my boat rather than float it – you must have an interesting & quirky personality

  We all dislike Pirates and these irritating scoundrels will be made to walk the plank and given the old heave ho!!

  If you fancy a trip of a lifetime and well-travelled life of adventure and fun then drop me a line, if not, then enjoy suburbia!

  Aaarrrr!!!

  Surprisingly, she did not get many responses from Indian men with this! I personally think the humour wasted on them and was a bit too Sahara desert for them.

  What a World

  Once it was: “Boy meets Girl,” and, depending on circumstance, “Boy gets (or does not get) Girl.” Now, it’s Boy posts profile. Girl posts profile. Profile does or does not pique interest. Maybe Boy and Girl meet—or maybe they don’t, and if they do, do Boy and Girl live up to their profiles and live happily ever after?

  Cannot remember where this quote came from but I saved it on my laptop as it is so damn true to life.

  Online dating can be awesome but overwhelming at the same time and it can be hard to keep with the same standards you would use in real life. I can suggest being a little pickier during the whole vetting phase and following your intuition more so with the head and not the heart as you have not met that person yet and so it should in theory be easier to dismiss them.

  I did make a list of the desired qualities/attributes that mattered to me. When I say list, it was a couple of things not even worthy of being called a list. Fun, witty with a dry sense of humour and a fantastic bum was not a big ask, well, at least I did not think so.

  Saying that, I learnt not to be too dismissive, or I would have a new issue of deleting an ‘expression of interest’ because of something that could be overlooked in real life but happened to be on a profile.

  In the weird and wonderful world of internet dating, most of the time it’s been more weird than wonderful, there are certain types of individuals one would come across.

  These individuals that I am categorising are based upon my own personal experiences in the seven years, yes seven years that I have been single and am still searching for the elusive one.

  We may all be accused of chasing unicorns but we are obsessed with the magic, fantasy, romance, call it what you will, of the unicorn being out there, grazing peacefully whilst waiting for us to approach and calmly take the initiative and whisper sweet nothings or anything we deem charming in to its ear and then sling on the reigns and tame the beast!

  Most of the time though, we do come across mares, jackasses and donkeys such as the types of people I am going to be categorising and will be highlighted later on. Granted I am highlighting observations from the male perspective but the categories can be attributed to both sexes and any race, creed or colour.

  The lines quoted in the scenarios are frequently used as a result of basically what happens in near enough nine times out of ten. In fact, it happens so often it’s quite scary almost being able to guess what the other person is about to say.

  So… what are these categories you may be wondering? Well, they are bit like the following.

  1) The Ghost

  The ghost is an entity that somehow manages to log onto a computer set up a profile, then contact you and subsequently disappear! Poof!

  Many websites have both industry common and their own unique ways of types of communication.

  Some have a ‘wave’ or ‘expression of interest’ button, which consists of sending the lady you are interested in a wave or expression of interest just to test the water and see if you get one back.

  If you do get a ‘wave’ back, then ‘fun times’ ahead! Well… maybe, let’s not get carried away yet and start planning the names of our unborn children! Then we send a message using the internal email system of the site and hope they respond. Nothing.

  You may not get anything back but they have read the message and seen your profile – some websites have that functionality to enable you to ascertain that also. Some even have a feature a bit like whatsapp, the date and time of email being read and even the infamous twin blue ticks!

  There are times when the lady may actually contact you with the bonus being she has a profile pic! And she’s hot too! whoop! whoop!

  You then send her an email with contact details and see what happens. Nothing. She has seen your email, on the day you sent it even, but nothing.

  You send another one a week later pretending that you had IT issues and you are not sure if she received the email sent on a prior occasion (trying to play it cool) hence why you are sending another one now. Nothing. She received it. She read it. She ignored it.

  Maybe it was not a real female but the spirit or ghost of dates of past! But somehow, it all seemed so real or was it?

  2) Not Quite Over the Ex

  There is nothing anyone can do about this individual. Things could be going along great for three months, in terms of texting every day whether it be a simple ‘Good Morning & hope you have a fab day’ or a full blown conversation in between morning coffees and meetings at work, catch up chit chat on the phone every couple of days in the evening and meeting up at least once or twice a week. Promising stuff!

  Then Bam! You will receive a text/phone call out of the blue that goes a bit like “Look (insert name), I have something important on my mind to tell you”. The fact that the potential significant other has used your name, not nickname or pet name bestowed upon thee since you both decided to ‘officially’ start dating is a clue in itself.

  The next line will be something like, “Well….. I have just received a phone call/text/email from my ex-boyfriend/fiancé/husband… and… erm… I’m not sure what to do.”

  ‘Here we go again’ enters one’s mind and then we start thinking, ‘Damn, I really like this girl but I’m not going to play second fiddle to anyone! How do I word this without coming across as an idiot whilst being firm but fair? I don’t want to drive her into the arms of the ex but I don’t want to come across as clingy and desperate, even though I am the latter!’

  Ok, here goes, I then come out with the following, “Well, what can I say? You’re not getting a threesome out of this!” (I try to add humour to the downplay the tension I am feeling whilst making me look cool and hope that makes her divert her decision towards me me me!)

  I quickly then add the line “Look, I’ ll tell you what… take some time out to think about it… only you can make the decision on what to do and where it goes from here… and I shall wait to hear from you in a week… how does that grab you?”

  Nine times out of ten, I never hear from her again!

  3) Miss IDK (I don’t know)

  There is being indecisive on some things, and then there is being so indecisive on everything to a point you dare not ask that indecisive person anything at all.

  Life is complicated and busy enough that we don’t have time to figure out what they may want or mean or may not want or mean.

  When finally agreeing upon a time, date and location for a first date after much indecisiveness, there is the awkward silence in between questions. Rather than a flowing conversation between the two of us, as one would expect it to be, it becomes more like an interview/Q&A session.

  Q: So….. how are you finding the world of internet dating?

  A: Uhm… dunno

  Q: What made you join the website or want to try internet dating?

  A: Erm… I don’t know really

  Q:
What type of guy do you generally go for?

  A: Don’t know, I’m not sure

  Q: Are you after a serious relationship or casual?

  A: Err… dunno

  Q: Would you like tea or coffee?

  A: Ooohh… I don’t know

  And so it goes on and on… surprisingly at the end of the date she comes out with the ‘it was really nice chatting to you’ comment. Hmmm… Strange, I only remember there being talking on my part and that was from asking the questions just to initiate some form of conversation!

  4) The Dictator/Miss Tyrant

  What can I say about this type of person? This person will take the meaning of perfectionist to another level. Perfection being her standard or calibre but not necessarily the one attributable to what may be considered by the general population as the norm.

  If you were to mention anything about your personality or hobbies as per normal, then take a deep breath and behold the onslaught of rules about to be issued.

  “If you want to be with me, you will be doing… more often.”

  “There is no way I would let you keep on doing… when we get together/ engaged/ married.”

  “Why do you spend your money on that? What a waste! I think we shall put a stop to… don’t you agree it’s for the best?”

  It’s all about compromise, AKA do what she wants and the way she wants it and then all will be well with the world and woe betide anyone who dare to deviate!

  Experience has taught me to look out for the key lines as detailed above and avoid as soon as one of the said key lines is spoken.

  5) The Window Shopper

  Ah yes! These are the heartbreakers I am afraid. Like with the ladies who are not quite over their Ex, the texts, phone calls and meet ups are regular and like clockwork even.

  The only difference here is the time period you are ‘in communication’ with each other unless you have mutually agreed that you are dating.

  These ladies have no intention of being with someone or settling down, well… at least with me anyhow.

  They like to see if they ‘still have it’ and like to know what they can attract but when it comes to the phase of getting serious i.e. possible discussion on maybe exclusively dating each other only and seeing where it goes, then prepare to get ghosted or broken up with.

  I personally have come across a lot of these Window Shoppers on my dating adventures. No tell-tale signs for these I’m afraid, when it happens it happens.

  6) Must Do Better

  This category follows on nicely from the Window Shopper. They are almost the same type of person but the difference here is the lady wants to climb the ‘dating ladder’ and get that trophy husband/boyfriend/partner.

  With the exception of knowing she must climb the dating ladder, this lady can’t make her own decisions and will need to obtain approval from all of her family and friends (past and present and those random strangers connected with from LinkedIn and Facebook) to see if you are up to standard before even contemplating going on a date with you.

  This means, she will like telling her friends, family etc. about the guy she is ‘kind of seeing’* and then likes to reel off the stats accordingly.

  “Well everyone… the guy I am ‘kind of seeing’ is called… and he is a (doctor/ lawyer/ accountant etc.) who drives a (BMW/ Mercedes, etc.) who lives in (Birmingham/Edinburgh) and wears nothing but designer clothing and holidays at least once every three months albeit city breaks in Europe and wants to take me too… etc.”

  *’Kind of seeing’ is safer than saying dating. Dating implies that she has made up her mind and is going to settle for and down with this one. It’s too serious, it’s too onerous, it’s too much pressure!

  Then, before you know it, this poor guy will get dropped and ghosted as a better one (deal or spec) comes along. I like using car analogies as you can tell.

  “Well everyone, the last guy wasn’t really the type that I go for so I dumped him yesterday – don’t want to talk about it, but… the guy I am now ‘kind of seeing’ is called … and he is a (plastic surgeon/judge/financial director or CEO, etc.) who drives a (Ferrari/Porsche/Lambo/Range Rover, etc.) who lives in (London/New York, etc.) and wears nothing but Saville Row and holidays at least once a month every month somewhere far flung by private jet and wants to take me too… etc.”

  These people cannot be helped and are hard to avoid unless you have managed to figure them out initially. The figuring them out is the hardest part.

  7) The Juggler

  OMG! At one stage of our lives we may all be guilty of having done this. Dating or meeting up with too many potentials! It’s a juggling act!

  It can be great fun or a complete disaster! It can be both from the point of view of The Juggler or the one being juggled.

  I shall use a bus analogy to describe this one.

  Getting interests and dates are a bit like catching a bus. You wait around for ages, nothing. Then suddenly two or three of them come along at once and you don’t know which one to catch!

  They all look nice and shiny and comfortable and well worth the ride! erm… I mean the wait!

  However, there are those rare moments when you have enough busses to fill a depot! A whole fleet to choose from and admire! Naturally, one can be taken aback and overwhelmed and not know which one to ‘test drive’ first!

  Naturally, we don’t want to waste time and accidentally choose the one that is expensive to run, high maintenance and quite temperamental either! Or do we go for the one with a few more miles on the clock but not quite a banger but is comfortable and reliable?

  What does one do? We date and meet up with all of them! Try and whittle it down to a couple and then ultimately the one.

  The fun begins. We mix up the names, the hobbies, the professions, the history and generally everything and repeat conversations, one liners and jokes thinking they are original and don’t tell them to the ones who have not heard them, etc.

  It becomes a real mess. On the other hand, some can juggle numerous people and whittle down accordingly and really show a knack of remembering the details and thus is not a problem.

  8) The Experimenter

  Now admittedly, I have only ever encountered this type of female when I have ascertained that I am not the ‘normal’ type of guy she would date. I was fortunate enough to have these ladies tell me so, hence the category.

  I would have to relay some personal experiences in further detail in order to emphasise this one.

  In one case, it transpired I was the only guy a certain lady had dated in the space of a couple of years. This was only as she was now getting bored of women! She then met another girl on a work’s night out a couple of weeks later and that was that, but interesting as an experience though. Damn, was dating me enough to make her go off men completely? I guess I will never know.

  Another case, happened to be a Caucasian lady of Irish heritage. There were not many Indian men in the part of Ireland where she hailed from and thus she wanted to “see what you lot are like”.

  Wow! So it wasn’t my funny profile or picture then? Seems like I was going to be representing British Asian men whether I liked it or not and felt pressured not to disappoint!

  Occasionally I have come across ladies who just want to rebel and date someone their dad may not approve of. I tend to just roll with it and enjoy the ride until it ends.

  Fortunately, these cases have seldom happened in my experience but felt it worth mentioning as they were very much memorable not to be excluded.

  9) The Inbetweener

  I don’t intend to besmirch one of my favourite TV shows of all time with this description but it is the only way I can describe the next category.

  For the record I am also guilty of this myself. I have been someone’s Inbetweener and made someone mine also.

  The Inbetweener is someone whom you may have stumbled across after a dry patch on the dating scene.

  Picture the scenario. You are bored at home one evening and there is not
hing on TV to watch, no shows to binge watch, you’ve been to the gym, all of your friends have plans with their families or other social circles and you are just plain bored.

  What is else is there to do? Check my personal emails and kill a bit of time by seeing what is left on the dating sites of course! Check the profiles of those that you have not dated or has not blatantly rejected your expression of interest. Lo and behold! There are some new profiles that have recently joined! There is a slight issue though. None of them pop out at you like the prior profiles that led to dates of past.

  Your initial thoughts are “Hmmm, maybe. Not sure about this one. Dunno. Ah hell, let’s just send out an expression and see what she says. It won’t matter much as I’m not really feeling it but it’ ll be a nice surprise if anything happens!”

  The only issue here is, I have done this with ten others! What has just happened is a mail shot has been sent in essence. The Inbetweener’s normally pop up after the mailshot has been sent out and next thing you know I have become a Juggler!

  It is a tad cruel but, you know there is not much about the person but the fear of being lonely creeps in. You go on dates and have phone calls but still not much. Nothing wrong with the person but there is no spark or chemistry or anything. You feel a tad guilty and then relieved when she starts ghosting you as you then know she has met someone else. Phew!

  10) The Chancer

  There are some that just didn’t bother to read your profile and will be the complete opposite to what you want. They took a chance in case you said “hmmm… yes… okay!” I mean ‘really?!’

  Being UK born and bred, with reference to Indian dating sites, and clearly stating I am only interested in UK profiles, I have now gained an international following in Toronto, Chandigarh and more recently Kuala Lumpur.