Time to Let Go

by Christoph Fischer

  There was a lot of laundry to be done, and the unpacking and settling back in to the house kept him occupied. His wife was with him every step of the way, very affectionate towards him and trying to help. There were moments when the two of them were still a great team.

  Hanna could move back in if she wanted. He would look after her, make sure that she recovered from her shock and found solid ground under her feet again. He might even find her a little flat somewhere nearby when she was ready to live by herself. Clearly, she needed her family right now. His Pumpkin could rely on her father to sort it all out.

  Biddy began reading the paper in the kitchen and Walter went outside to inspect the garden. Everything looked tidy but Walter was not sure if that was his gardener’s work or whether he had done it himself. After cutting the hedge the garden often looked neat, even if nothing else had been done. If the guy had been here at all, then it couldn’t have been too recently as nobody had collected the leaves on the grass.

  He sat down on the sunbed while enjoying the view. It was nice to be outdoors and not having to worry about Biddy, for once. She was going to be busy with the paper for some time.

  Twice in the last year she had managed to escape and ended up being picked up once by a police officer, and once by an acquaintance who had recognised her. The incident with the police he had found very embarrassing. He had been busy with his chronicle and was totally unaware that she had left. She did not get very far from the house before she was no longer familiar with her surroundings and was noticed. Her state of anxiety and confusion had alerted a well-meaning cyclist who spoke to her and called the police when he realised that she was lost.

  The police could not identify her and locked her in a psychiatric ward, while trying to establish who she was. Some time passed before Walter found out she had gone. He looked for her in the area himself before contacting the police. It took another two hours until he was finally reunited with her. The staff at the psychiatric ward were giving him a long speech about his duty of care and urged him to consider finding a more suitable and manageable solution to the problem. He was furious at all the patronising and condescending talk, but was aware that he was not in a position to argue.

  The other time, when his wife had been returned home by the acquaintance, Walter had tried to play the incident down and laugh it off. The man was kind enough to play along; even though the fact remained that he had found Biddy a long way from home.

  Walter suddenly felt nothing but a deep longing for all Korhonens to be together and wished his sons could be a little bit more family orientated and join them on the odd occasion. He had always encouraged his children to become independent and live their own lives, but all three had gone to extremes with their free spirited ways. He could help Hanna with the practical arrangements and sort her out financially, but the emotional support she had usually received from Biddy. Walter saw no other option than to call Henrik and persuade him to come here and support Hanna.

  Henrik was not a very happy man as he answered the phone.

  “You don’t have to worry about Hanna,” he assured his father. “She met Patrick last night. She doesn’t need you or I, and neither of us need to stress ourselves over her emotional safety net. If anything goes wrong it is always Patrick she turns to. I am sure he did a great job and she is perfectly happy now.”

  “How could she have met him? He is on tour!” Walter said with surprise and anger.

  “Well when we say he is on tour, he is not always with his band,” Henrik said, with more than a hint of venom. “Sometimes he gives self-help seminars and they are not that far from where you live. She must have met him there last night,” Henrik said.

  “No. That is not possible. He would drop in if that were the case,” Walter said in disbelief. “He can’t have written us off that much. And did Hanna tell you that she is giving up flying?” Walter asked.

  “Yes Dad but I still hope she won’t go through with it.”

  “Don’t you think it is a good thing?”

  “I know you love your daughter with all your heart. It is what fathers do, but don’t be so bloody naïve Dad,” Henrik said abruptly. “Yes she has not got one bad bone in her body, but can you really see her as the Samaritan who gives up her career to clothe the poor and nurse the wounded, for the rest of her life? She is in shock right now and she is making a hurried, rash and stupid long term decision she will never be able to reverse.”

  “You think it is that big a mistake?” Walter asked, surprised.

  “Of course it is a big bloody mistake,” Henrik sneered. “She will never earn as much as she does now. She is on the wrong side of forty for a new career, at least if she wants to get a decent wage. She will be tired of playing the martyr for you and Mum real soon, trust me.”

  “What do you mean? Martyr for me and your mother?” Walter said indignant. “Isn’t she taking a job writing memoirs? A respectable and well paid position, I hear.”

  “If you choose to believe that, that’s fine; she is coming home to help you. Once she is finished with the bloke, the memoir job will fall to pieces,” Henrik predicted.

  “Help me? I don’t need her help. Hanna is the one who needs help,” Walter said. “And the billionaire has also offered her a job,” Walter said, pleased he could defend Hanna’s decision. “She has options professionally.”

  “She always had those. You know, I offered her a job many times, too Dad,” Henrik threw in. “She just never took me up on it.”

  “Well now the situation is different. She needs her family. Why else would she be here?” Walter asked.

  “Dad. Traumatised people do weird things. They think they have seen the light, or God, or something. They turn their lives around, sell everything they own and travel the world. Well, she won’t do exactly a lot of travelling, I guess, but she clearly wants to make some changes to her life, probably make a difference in the world. I just don’t think she has got it in her.”

  “You are being mean Henrik.”

  “Am I? You think? Well let me tell you: I work in a large company and I have seen plenty of my staff do exactly that. She had no children so she needs to find new meaning in her life by other means.”

  “Well that would not be too bad, would it?” Walter defended his daughter, even though he was starting to understand his son’s point.

  “Usually what happens is that those people come home from their years of travelling when the money runs out, or when boredom finally sinks in. Penniless, they suddenly regret that they blew it all for the experience and their ‘living-in-the-moment’. Then they realise how good they had it before, all along. Then they shift moving boxes for other people or sweep the streets for minimum wage. That is life after their moment of freedom, and few think of it in advance. I am surprised that you, of all people, can’t see that.”

  “With all the back up plans she has, that will never happen to our Hanna,” Walter insisted.

  “Dad, you are missing my point. The jobs she has been offered won’t be the same. She will have to permanently change her lifestyle. Once she is grounded that will be it for her. I don’t think she has the ability to lead that new life she seeks for longer than a few weeks.”

  “Why don’t you speak to her then, and get her to change her mind,” Walter said sulkily.

  “She won’t take my advice.”

  “She won’t take mine either.”

  “Of course!” Henrik said, with undisguised sarcasm. “Anyway, if anyone can stop her it is Patrick, but I doubt that he would, with all his new age hippie ideas. He is probably the mastermind behind it all.”

  “I thought you liked those ideas too? Didn’t you tell me about those conferences and how popular and mainstream they have become?”

  “Oh they are mainstream alright but I don’t buy it. The point is Hanna is making a mistake. Try at least to delay her decision to give her time to think,” Henrik asked his father.

  “I promise I will try but she sounds pretty determined,�
�� Walter pointed out. “Since the guy dropped the charges, she appears to be feeling invincible.”

  “Then tell her: good luck, and if things go pear shaped her older brother can always help.”

  “I wish I could ask your mother what to do,” Walter said drifting between despair and anger. “She could have been a real help for Hanna with her ‘Biddy helpline’: none of us can be a substitute for it. This family is such a mess, you know that? Patrick has written us off, you and Hanna are always moving …”

  “Dad, pull yourself together,” Henrik said abruptly. “It is a bit late for self-pity. You set up the family boundaries this way.”

  “I didn’t want all the secrets,” Walter said.

  “Telling you the truth always carries a risk of conflict, Dad, and that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their privacy. Don’t get so worked up about it. You still have mother and your moments, you said so yourself, and she still has you.”

  “She doesn’t recognise her children properly and she doesn’t even know I am her husband. She has forgotten our history and what I once meant to her: it is so frustrating some days.”

  “Of course it is, Dad. I’ll send you the brochures for those homes today. Have a look. It might be the answer to your problems.”

  “Over my dead body!” Walter exclaimed.

  “Dad, I have to go now, I am about to join a conference call. I will speak to you soon. Pull yourself together and give my love to Mum.”

  Without looking for Hanna, Walter went out into the garden to work off his anger and frustration. He tidied up some of the flower beds and dug over the compost.

  He was just beginning to feel better about himself when he saw an old acquaintance waving at him from the street. Tom was an old but distant friend who had moved to the area around about the same time as the Korhonens had. He was about the same age as Walter, equally fit and slim, although less sporty. The families had never been close friends but had amicably greeted each other on the street, and exchanged the occasional bits of small talk. As Walter got closer he saw that Biddy was standing next to him with her slippers on.

  “I am returning your wife,” Tom said warmly, but Walter was too shell-shocked and embarrassed to show appreciation for the kindness of the gesture. Biddy didn’t seem to recognise him and stared blankly between the two men.

  “Thank you so much for bringing her back, Tom,” he said stiffly. “I had really no idea she had gone.”

  “Don’t worry, Walter,” Tom said. “These things happen. She did not go far; I caught her by the bridge. Now that you know she is at flight risk you just have to make sure she cannot get out on her own so easily. A few simple precautions and you are good to go.”

  Walter stood in silence with his head hanging down.

  “Did you know that there are support groups and helplines for you? You are not the only family with this problem.”

  Walter looked angrily at Tom.

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it, and don’t shoot the messenger either,” Tom said with a warm smile.

  Walter nodded slowly and took Biddy’s hand. His wife responded by taking a step to stand by his side.

  “I just can’t bear to lose her yet,” Walter said, welling up. “I am not ready. Can you understand that?”

  “You can’t allow yourself to think that way. You’ve got to stay practical,” Tom said coolly.

  “That is easily said.”

  “It is also easily done. My sister-in-law has dementia,” Tom revealed. “The family kept her at home for almost six years before it became too difficult. She stopped recognising anyone around her. After a few months of screaming the house down in fear of all these strangers she was eventually put in a home, where her state was not upsetting us on a daily basis. I think you have still a few good years with Biddy the way she is now. Enjoy them and don’t waste your energy with worrying. There are simple things you can do to make life easier, without it impacting on your quality of life, and without putting her in a home: you have not lost her yet. It isn’t time for that yet. You know where I live - you can always talk to me about it. Call me some time or I can guide you where to get the information you need. People have been through this before you and they can help.”

  “Thanks. I will. I just need a little more time. I have enjoyed putting my head into the sand. I am not ready to come up yet.”

  “I understand,” Tom nodded. “I will come round sometime next week and see how you are getting on. Today is clearly not a good time. Get Biddy back into the warm,” he said and turned back towards his home.

  Walter led Biddy to the living room and sat her down on the sofa. Hanna came down a little while later and sat with Walter in the kitchen, where he told her what had just happened.

  “I know it’s hard to accept our help, Dad,” she said firmly, “but you may just have to get over yourself for once and let us in. I am going to be around more often now, so maybe at least you and I can start a new chapter in our chronicle.”

  Walter sighed deeply, then threw her a sideways glance and said: “I’d like that, Pumpkin. I’d like that.”

  Epilogue

  Hanna did quit her job with the airline and never regretted her decision. She sold her flat in London and found herself a small apartment near her parents’ place. She worked with Fariba for three years, during which she prepared two books for publication. Fariba suffered another minor stroke that rendered her incapable of finishing the project. Karim and Hanna joined forces and published both books independently, but eventually found a traditional publisher.

  The two never got together as a couple. Although he always had a soft spot for the stewardess, they seemed better suited in helping each other with their respective problems and formed a working relationship that didn’t translate well into leisure or romance. She remained a great influence on him and vice versa. He eventually fell in love with and married one of the nurses at the hospital a few years after his mother’s death.

  Henrik married Sunita and had three children with her. He rarely came to visit his family, uncomfortable with the later stages of Biddy’s progressing Alzheimer’s disease, and forever sulking about his lack of importance within the family. He took comfort in his own nuclear family and kept sending his yearly email updates about his life to everyone in his address book.

  Patrick continued his therapy courses and music recordings until the age of 55 when he retired altogether and moved to live in India: the mecca for meditation and spirituality. He never officially came out to his father, and Walter and he never discussed his work or anything of importance.

  Biddy’s disease lasted for another four years in a state that Walter could manage. Although he received a lot of help from his new friend Tom, and even more so from Hanna, he could cope with his wife in her increasingly unresponsive state, until she lost so much of her motoric abilities that she needed a professional carer. Henrik had her transferred into a care home. The week after she was moved; Walter had a heart attack and passed away.

  Once Biddy was in her home, Hanna began to help Patrick for a few years in Cornwall, where she also met a man at one of the seminars. She kept her independence and had a long distance relationship with him for as long as she was taking care of her mother. When Patrick moved away, she moved in with her partner and ran a bed and breakfast.

  Hanna found and rescued the family chronicle, put her own touches to it and then published it privately for the family to keep the memories alive

  Biddy lasted for another two years in the home. Despite Hanna’s suspicions and fears, her mother seemed to be well taken care of and happy until her peaceful death.

  The End

  Author’s Note

  My book is inspired by my personal experiences with various sufferers of the disease, especially during the two weeks I stayed with affected families. I exclusively used material relating to a medium-advanced stage of the disease. To protect the privacy and dignity of the patients, however, I have altered all of the events and used both f
irst and second hand experiences and anecdotes. Nothing in this book has actually happened. Apart from vague parallels between my characters and patients I observed, any similarities with real people, alive or dead, are coincidental and unintended. The airline plot is also not based on any real incident but inspired by my own imagination during those intense yearly re-training sessions.

  Alzheimer’s is a dreadful disease, the gravity of which can neither be easily understood, nor the complex, frustrating and far reaching consequences for sufferers and their families. My book does not attempt to be a complete representation of, or a manual of how to deal with the disease. Although patterns and stages of the disease are established, the illness affects every patient differently. My book is intended to touch upon those issues but it is primarily a work of fiction and a family drama.

  As point of first reference and for a more comprehensive and scientific overview of information and help available, I recommend you visit:

  http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/ in the UK

  http://www.alz.org/ in the US

  There are support groups, helplines and many other sources available in most countries. These will be able to advise you specifically for your individual situation. I can also recommend “Because We Care” by Fran Lewis. This excellent book has a comprehensive appendix with more or less everything you need to know about the disease: its stages, personal advice on caring, information, tools and help available in the US.