Nothing. You never do anything. And you never will.
I walked over to my work cube and sent him a message.
“Would you mind if I worked from home the remainder of the day? I can email the documents I’m working on from there.”
After a few minutes he messaged me back.
“Great idea. See you Monday.”
My phone beeped. David. I pressed ignore and called the car service and packed up everything to take with me and went downstairs. My phone went off again. This time, I answered “Yes?”
“It’s Dani. Jonas said you might be sick?”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine. On my way home,” I stammered.
“I want to come pick you up,” Dani said.
“No,” I said, raising my voice. “Sorry, no. The car service is here to pick me up. Thanks.”
“I can come over for a visit. I won’t hold you up too long,” she said.
“Just…please. I’m fine,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry, Dani, for being rude. But I must go.”
“Okay, Lily. I’ll respect that,” Dani said. “But I’ll still send David to drop some things off to you over the weekend.” Keeping my head down, I left the office and headed for the subway home.
My phone beeped on the way and I took it out to check the messages. One missed call from David, and three texts from Declan.
Today was a wake-up call. I signed up for Anger Management classes like you asked me to, remember? I wasn’t always like this, you know. I need help so thank you for helping me. The rent went up on my shop. I can’t afford to miss work. If I do, I’ll lose everything.
I erased the messages and blocked his phone number. I sighed in relief, though. At least he was going for help.
Arriving at my apartment, I caught a glimpse of Natasha climbing into Ari’s Maserati and realized with glee she would be away at least until Monday. I would have the apartment all to myself.
Pondering their relationship, I absently went inside the building. They had been together at least four months, but she didn’t believe it would go over a year. All that time they shared, gone?
In almost two weeks of knowing Jonas, I was already feeling for him something more than I ever felt for Declan. I didn’t know how I could possibly handle months and not want or need more, and how would he handle it if I did? Would I have to hide my feelings, or would he have to break up with me?
Taking the elevator up to my apartment, I didn’t know what I was to do. But I didn’t have the time to think about it. I still had work hours to make up.
My stomach grumbled as I walked inside, prompting me to immediately go to the refrigerator and eat two of Natasha’s fat free strawberry yogurts. I went to the bathroom and took a couple more pain pills to alleviate the pain. Declan. I let him in and he hurt me. He hadn’t hit me in thirteen months. Why? I asked myself as I took a shower, but no reason came to mind.
Changing into my favorite black tank and shorts, I returned to the living room and set up a makeshift workstation on my couch with my laptop. By 8:00 that evening, I had managed to clear my inbox and send all of my work deliverables to Gregor.
Surfing through the channels on TV, I found a Star Trek marathon on the SyFy channel and grabbed my phone to check it before settling in. My heart sunk. One text message from David regarding a care basket from Dani. But David wasn’t who I wanted to hear from. I wanted Jonas. I decided to call Mary to alert her to the marathon and ask for some advice.
“Updates, please,” Mary ordered as soon as she picked up.
I closed my eyes. “I went to see Declan, only because he said he had the missing photos from the art week. But then he said he forgot them at lunch, and…Well, it didn’t go well. I don’t think he ever had them at all. Gregor kissed me. And Jonas is pressuring me with gifts, but no real promises of anything more. I like him so much, though. I don’t know.”
“Firstly, let’s start with the easiest. I agree. Declan doesn’t have the photos or videos. If he does, he’s the scummiest scumbag in all of scumville,” she said venomously. “He won’t leave it at that. How did you leave it?”
The bite in her tone had my stomach in knots. Mary truly hated Declan and I hated myself for lying. But I didn’t want her to know he hurt me, too. That would only make this worse. “I know now, but I had to find out.” I cleared my throat. “So what should I do about Gregor?”
“Well, even if he likes you, he’s definitely put off by your Jonas. Just act like nothing happened. He would want that now,” Mary said.
I rubbed my chest. “Jonas isn’t ‘my Jonas,’” I said, stretching my legs out on the couch. “I’m just his companion.”
“You like him a lot already, I can tell,” she said.
I sighed. “Yes. I do.”
“That’s what I’m worried about.” Mary sighed. “He’s clear on what he wants from you. So there won’t be more than that from him. You can and will get hurt if you’re getting attached. Maybe you should end it.”
I shut my eyes. “I don’t want to end it, Mary.”
“Just give it some thought, please?” she said. “As far as the clothing. It goes hand in hand with the agreement. If you are bumping shoulders with socialites, you can’t wear cheap threads. You’ll stand out, and not in a good way.”
I looked at the ceiling. “That makes me feel a little better.”
“I want you to feel better, but I have some bad news. I could only get five students to help with the phone-a-thon for the Love Legacy this year. So if you could add more funds to get students to sign-up to do a phone-a-thon., I can spread the word around campus?” Mary asked.
“If I get a raise or promotion, I could. But I’m not sure about that now,” I said sadly. “I still have to pay my own pledge this year.”
“Maybe Jonas could help you? I know that might muddy the waters more, but,” she hesitated.
I paced. “Yeah, he already offered. I mean, he actually demanded to help me.”
“Let him. You’ll work it all out. ‘Salomé’s meet challenges head on,’” Mary said in a mockingly deep voice like my fathers.
I groaned. “Not funny, Mary. But thanks. I’m…I’m listening.”
“I’m always here whatever you decide, my beautiful kept friend.” She hung up.
Flopping back down on the couch, my mind went over all that happened, and where I stood with Jonas Crane. After ignoring everyone about Declan, it wasn’t as easy to sweep my worries away.
The thought of not seeing Jonas ached my chest. But Mary and Gregor were right. This wasn’t me and forming an attachment to a man set on not getting attached was a sure path to a heartache. Searching my heart, I feared too late. Jonas was under my skin, and I wasn’t one to let go easy.
Dozing in front of the TV after five back-to-back episodes of Star Trek Next Generation, my text message alert went off. Jonas.
How are you feeling?
Awful. I swallowed hard. Better thanks.
Get plenty of rest. Bad news. Plans changed. I have to go to San Francisco.
My stomach flipped. So you won’t be able to come back to New York?
He texted back: No. Sorry.
I frowned. I’m disappointed. I’ll miss you. I wish you could change it. I typed, then erased it. Instead, I texted back:
I understand. I hope you can come back before you go back to Texas.
His response came almost immediately. I want you to fly to San Francisco and join me.
My eyes lit up. Jonas wanted to spend time with me during his work conference. Of course I knew I was making more of it than it was, but I still found it encouraging. I replied. Really? Yes!!
I would have to get approval from Gregor, I didn’t think it would be a problem, though.
He replied. Did that put a smile on your face?
I giggled and texted back. Yes it did :)
He responded: I wish I could see it, but I’m at a show with a friend.
My brows puckered. Girl or boy? I wanted to ask,
but didn’t.
I’m curled up on the couch watching Star Trek.
He texted back. If you added naked, I’d abandon my seat to see you on webcam.
I felt a laugh escape from somewhere deep inside. You pervert. I’m not doing that again!
We both know you will do that and more if I tell you to.
My face warmed up as a tremor went through me. Jonas was right. Submitting to his demands thrilled me. When you are here.
He responded: Every night before you sleep, I want you to masturbate. Think of my hands on you. But on Wednesday night, you’re not allowed to come. I’ll take care of you on Thursday.
Heat flooded my body as I read his text. With images of doing his command. How would he know if I did it? He must have read my mind, because he texted
I’ll know the second I see you. You could test me, but you might not like your punishment. Think last time, but more. You tied down.
I thought about how he had denied me an orgasm after the opera and frowned. No thanks.
To the tying down too?
I licked my lips and sent back. Not sure. And I wasn’t.
Good. Talk to you soon. Tiger.
A pang went through my chest as I read the name. Tiger. Shortening it hurts less, though tiger by itself sure didn’t describe how we were together.
More like a kitten with you. Talk to you soon. Miss you.
He wrote back. My little tiger. We’ll webcam this weekend. Get some rest.
My heart squeezed. His tiger. Did he really think I belonged to him? Well as his companion, I did. In more ways than that if I had my way. If I could assert my will, but why push a man that doesn’t want what you want? Mary was right. If he knew the truth I’d lose him. I’m losing him with every conversation, every share, and every dose of his company.
I touched my face and winced. Tracing with my fingertips the puffiness on my forehead. The lie hung in the air and around my neck like a noose.
Weak and stupid. No. I wouldn’t allow Dec to hit me or even speak to him again.
More Lies. You’re Declan’s girl. Forever and always.
I didn’t want to think about that. I had five days before seeing Jonas. Perhaps I could delay and see him later. Give me more time to heal my face and cover my heart. So I could continue lying? “Lies only lead to more lies. Before you know it, you’ve lost yourself in lies,” my father taught me and he was right. Still I became a liar to them and everyone. All for a man that I used to love and couldn’t hate.
My stomach soured as my conscience continued to badger me. When would the lies end? Would I be able to face everyone when they do? Would I be alone? Fear shot through me and I fought back to avoid it consuming me. I can’t deal with this right now. I turned up the volume on the TV to drown out my thoughts and gave myself to the adventure before me.
Chapter 18
My headache woke me Saturday morning. Sharp stabbing pains. I touched my forehead. Swollen, throbbing sharp stabs of agony. Memories flooded my vision and I went dizzy. Declan grabbing my head and my clawing him like a cat to stop him. Bile rose in my throat.
Crawling out of bed, I opened my bedroom door and crossed the hall, making it in time to dry heave over the basin of the toilet. I rinsed my mouth and brushed my teeth, all the while avoiding my reflection and headache that pounded against my cranium. Putting off the inevitable wasn’t working. I eyed the cabinet and pulled out the painkillers, taking three. I sighed and finally met my new enemy, the mirror. The truth of it all right there before me.
Yellow and purples decorated my forehead, the side of my face, and around my left eye. The evidence of Declan’s attack still there. The last time he hit me, it wasn’t this bad. The door chimed.
“Lily!” Natasha yelled. She was extra cranky because Ari cancelled their weekend plans.
“Who’s there?” I called out, my hand automatically seeking to cover my bruises. My heart pounded hard in my chest. I remained fixed, awaiting her response. After a few moments, she responded.
“No one. You have a delivery.”
Pushing my hair in my face, I walked out of the bathroom and into the living area, where I found Natasha pawing through the basket.
“Dean and DeLuca basket. Good taste,” Natasha said, a smile on her lips. “The note said Dani and Jonas.” She motioned to the note on the table. I took a look at it.
Get better soon. Hugs. Dani and Jonas.
I chewed my lip as my stomach turned over. I lied to them. Looking at the bouquet of Tiger Lilies in the glass vase, I frowned. They even went as far as to send me flowers. I noticed a card and opened it. A letter and pictures. My face fell. Declan.
I couldn’t reach you by phone to tell you but I’m checking into rehab today so you won’t be able to reach me. I do love you Lily, but I need to sort myself out. Please forgive me. I didn’t lie, here are some of the photos, but I know you want me to hold on to the rest.
Love Declan.
My vision clouded as I pulled out the pictures from the envelope. He hadn’t lied after all. He had photos. They weren’t the photos from Perchance to Dream, but these were from a Sunday dinner at our Franklin street house in Quincy. My mind recalled taking a couple of photos of Declan with my parents, then us switching so he could take a couple of me with them.
Looking at them, I could see they were smiling in the photo with him, but not with their hearts. The pictures with me were brimming with love. They loved and cherished me, and I them. I had wanted to share that love of family with him. My heart ached. Poor Dec.
“Shit. What happened to your face?” Natasha said between bites of a pastry.
I grimaced. My anger at Declan’s attack flared to life again. Not poor Declan. He hurt me. “I fell.” I gestured toward the basket. “You could have asked before eating.”
“Like you did with my yogurt?” Natasha said, pursing her lips.
I shrugged, but she was right. “Okay. We’re even.”
“You won’t eat carbs anyway. Better not to waste them,” Natasha said as she polished off the pastry. “Running tomorrow?”
“I might have to go to Barneys tomorrow,” I said.
Natasha facial expression reminded me of winners of the lottery. “Oh. This is serious. But you need help. I’ll go with you.”
I bit my lip. I already didn’t want to go, but with Natasha it would be just that much more difficult. “I have a shopper.”
She rolled her eyes. “Stop being silly. This is the one thing I can help you with. You traveling?”
My mouth turned down. I leaned on the counter and rested my head on my hand. “Yeah. San Francisco.”
“Did he send an agenda?” she asked crossing her arms.
I shook my head. “No.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well then, he will have to pay for that mistake.”
I scrunched my face and winced. “Oh no, he will not. I was only getting a dress.”
“Forget it,” she said, glaring at me as she grabbed another pastry. “Do something about your face. I might have some cream that could help. I’ll leave it on your bed.”
I sighed. “If I go, you can come with.”
Collecting the photos I returned to my room and picked up my phone.
I wanted to send a text to Dani, thanking her for the basket.
Thank you. I’m feeling better.
I wiped my face and erased the message. Lying. I keep lying. My body shook as I typed out a new reply.
I’m not sick. I hit my head. Sorry. I didn’t want Jonas to worry. Thank you for the beautiful basket. I pressed send. Still lying. My phone buzzed.
“Lily, you fell? You’re hurt?” Dani asked.
I closed my eyes, the back of my throat aching. “Uh. Yeah.”
“I’ll come over. Maybe you should get checked out by the doctor,” Dani said.
I swallowed hard. “No. Please. I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine,” Dani said.
Tears squeezed out of the corner of my eye. “I a
m. I just fell. I didn’t want Jonas to worry. And I was…I am…embarrassed. I’ll be fine. So, thank you for the basket. I must go now. Thanks again.” I ended the call.
Staring down at the phone, I realized Declan was still hurting me. Every lie felt like another hit. I knew I should report this. Yet I was willing to help him instead. Every lie ate away at me. I’d been lying for years. I didn’t even think. After all, he was getting help. I can’t interrupt that. I didn’t want to destroy his life. Did he care he was destroying mine?
I rubbed my empty stomach. I should eat, but I didn’t have an appetite.
Telling Dani something close to the truth left a window for Jonas. This need for comfort and care was making me risk everything. And it was dangerous. In truth, I wanted and needed Jonas more than he wanted me. He didn’t set out to hurt me. Still, I was hurting.
My phone buzzed and my heart and thoughts raced. Jonas. Pain seared my chest There couldn’t be San Francisco or anymore with him. There was no time left and I knew what I needed to do. What I’d have to do.
“You fell? Get on the webcam,” he said the second I answered.
I swallowed hard. “I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t,” his tone sharp. “Dani said you fell. You never mentioned anything to me yesterday. Now tell me the truth.”
I shut my eyes tight. “I am telling the truth. You say you want a companion, but you act like there’s more. It feels like more. And I can’t do it anymore.”
“Get on the cam, Lily. Let’s talk about this.” Jonas exhaled. “Please,” he added.
My heart ached at the anguish in his voice. “I can’t anymore. I just I can’t do this with you. Please understand. I feel like I want more. I’m getting attached to you. And you said you didn’t want that,” my voice faltered.
“You’re doing this over the phone?” he said in frustration. “Let’s talk this out. We can discuss this.”
I sobbed, “It won’t change my feelings. I can’t do this anymore. It’s hurting me. I can’t handle this companionship. I can’t be your companion anymore. Please understand.” The only sound was my pulse pounding in my ears. My hand gripped the phone tightly as tears poured down my face. Jonas had said he didn’t want a relationship, and I hadn’t left much room for negotiation. After a few more minutes, he finally spoke.
Tiger Lily: Part One Page 19
